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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 11:39am | IP Logged
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Before I take Lent off from chatting with you all I thought I would ask for some suggestions on how to get some order to my days. I was supposed to work on this in the new year but "stuff" just keeps happening.
I do everything in this home, from schooling to bills(not doing well there) to vacuuming--and I need to change that. Ds is 9 and could do more. I hit brick walls everytime I ask for assistance from him. Part of that is the example he has--his dad--who is the play, then work, kind of guy and why stop playing when you are having fun? He is also not supportive of schedules. But that is getting off track.
How do I implement a strategic plan to garner assistance from my kids without it taking ALL day to get some tasks done? What can I expect them to do with help and independently at 4 and 9? How do you make them do what they don't want to do? As it is getting dd's morning brushings(teeth and hair) done is taking me forever. I am not expecting them to clean the whole house but I am hoping for some assistance. I have them to myself all day and should be able to get something done!
My second issue is I am dd's best playmate. She is not falling into the work then play mold--tantrums, etc. I ask her to help me do X and then we can play-it is not pretty. I feel like I am always putting her in Time out. Then ds needs some time from me too and he doesn't want it to just be schoolwork. Add in the puppy and her daily energy release requirements and I am not the mom of the year-I am overwhelmed because it seems everyone and everything(the taxes are over my head right now)needs me and now!
Help, anyone BTDT and have a success story? I feel like I am starting from scratch. Suggestions?
Thanks in advance.
Anne
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MichelleW
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 12:25pm | IP Logged
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Wow! Just reading this makes me feel overwhelmed, I have so been there. In fact, many days I am still there...so take all this as from someone who is still in the trenches and doesn't have it all together by a long shot. 
Ok, on the daughter's brushings, we just had my dd's hair cut. It was painful for me because she had such beautiful long blonde hair, BUT it has helped so much. She can care for it all by herself, in fact I do nothing with her hair in the morning any more. And hair grows back. When she is older she can grow it out if she wants.
On the taxes, (I am the finance person in our home too), I collect the tax papers into a folder all year. Just file any tax related paper into the folder without analyzing it (or even opening the envelope sometimes, if I know for sure what it is). Then I ask for a day to do it. Sometimes dh takes a day off from work, sometimes it is just a Saturday, but I ask him to take the kids out for a WHOLE day and I get up early and finish the taxes in that one day. I do nothing else that day. I do not plan to get any other house work done, etc. It is just tax day.
I can't do bills without help either. I ask for 2-4 hours in the first week of the month when I am completely relieved of household duties and can concentrate on bills. Dh might make pizza for dinner, feed kids, get them ready for bed and then read to them. This alone can take 3 hours. During this time he doesn't come in every five minutes and ask where something is. We pretend I am not in the house.
These things evolved. I had to sit dh down and explain how overwhelmed I was, and ASK for help. He was willing to help once I ASKED for it and EXPLAINED EXACTLY what I wanted him to do.
I will get back to you on chores for ds. I have have several ideas, but I need to get back to school right now...
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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Lorri
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 12:36pm | IP Logged
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You might really benefit from Managers of Their Chores. It's an excellent resource for establishing a chore system. It's not a chore chart - it actually helps you determine which chores need to be done, how often, and by whom. There is a "chore library" to give you a start with some of the chores, plus examples of how other families have assigned chores in their families. I used those lists to help me determine which chores my dc are capable of. But it goes further than that, addressing how to teach children to do chores and meet your expectations, how to deal with attitude problems, etc. I can't recommend it highly enough. I thought that I had the chore situation in my house pretty squared away, but things got SO MUCH BETTER after implementing what I learned from this book.
Here's a link:Managers of Their Chores
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Lorri
mom to   
The Mac and Cheese Chronicles
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 1:20pm | IP Logged
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Not sure I can help with much here.. but on the bills
I also do the bill paying.. and I can do it fairly easily BECAUSE I sat down at one point and made a list.. on this paycheck we pay these bills and on the next paycheck we pay these other bills (we get paid every 2 weeks) it makes it soooo much easier because I'm not having to figure that part out.. I just sit down, write checks or pay online those things that I know have to be paid with that check.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Anne McD
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 3:14pm | IP Logged
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Anne,
Maybe its the name but I know exactly how you feel! (excpet for the bills. I finally sat my husband down and said, hey-- I do everything else, and YOU WORK IN FINANCE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! ). I'm afraid I can't offer any help but support-- I was going to put order in my days and my days in order come '07, and I'm beginning to feel like my oldest is always in trouble, never gets any one on one time with me, and I just want to get this darned house picked up!!! 
(deep breath)
Okay, back to laundry, and getting a shirt for dd who was playing in the toilet. And I think ds still wants pickles. . . .. 
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Anne
Wife to Jon
Mommy to Alex 9
James 8
Katie 6
William 3 1/2
Benedict Joseph 1
and baby on the way! 10/14
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juststartn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 7:38pm | IP Logged
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Hm. Well, if you are the primary parent (meaning, you spend the most time with them, esp during the week) you CAN set an agenda. If need be, set it so that things get done in the morning. Life does not begin as the dc know it til the morning chores are done. That's how it works around here. I'll tell you what my 6.5 yr old dd does...and then my 4.5 yr old.
6.5 yr old:
-makes own bed
-tidies bedroom with sisters (she shares it with her two sisters--there are Rubbermaid tubs to put toys in)
-takes out any trash that needs to go out to the can (be that from the kitchen, or the smaller cans scattered around the house)
-deals with the laundry--the dc are responsible for loading the washer (I add soap and start it, and have it pre-sorted before they get anywhere near loading it), changing the laundry from the washer to the dryer (we have a top loading washer, too--they use a step ladder), starting the dryer, unload the dryer, fold the dry clothes, and put them away. The ONLY things that the dc don't fold regularly are sheets of any kind. They put dhs and my things onto our bed, and are responsible for the towels, washcloths, etc, as well as their own clothes.
-sweeps the kitchen floor, incl using the dust pan and dust broom
-vacuums as needed
-helps clean the yard--putting up the toys, as well as getting the sticks/pine cones, etc into the yard trash trash can
I'm sure that there is more, not including her school work. But those are the usual things. OH! She's just recently started helping put the dishes away. We don't own a dishwasher (that would be "me", lol), so once they are dry (we air dry in the sink, so no towel drying done around here), she helps to sort out and put things away. Mostly, it's just flat ware and utensils at this point--no really sharp knives or anything like that, but she sorts and stacks the bowls, plates, etc, and puts up what she can.
As for my 4.5 yr old:
-makes bed--still requires some help occasionally
-helps tidy room
-dusts
-scrubs the kitchen table as needed
-helps sister with the laundry and takes care of her own things, as well as folding the washcloths, dishtowels, etc.
-sweeps in little amounts
-takes out the trash from the smaller cans scattered around the house as needed
I'm sure that there is more that she does....I just can't think of it right off of the top of my head, since I'm so used to them "just doing it".
One of the things I would consider doing, is instituting a chore CHART. With pictures. Since your DS is old enough to be reading well, I'd make a list, step by step of what he needs to do for each job. That way he can't say he doesn't know what you want him to do.
It is going to be ugly, since this is retraining him, not training from day 1. No, he is not going to like it. And you will have to stand over him, til he gets the hang of doing the chores, period. Don't help him do them--just be there, and make sure he is staying on task, not drifting off to do whatever.
I'd also recommend removing any and all cords from any tvs, video games, etc. Those are confiscated til work and school work are done. That is assuming that your ds/DC have access to those. It is NOT going to be fun....it is NOT going to be easy. But it IS something that you HAVE to make sure they both learn. As you have learned, having a spouse for whom having fun comes before taking care of their responsibilities is NOT a good thing. It will make life harder for their future spouses.
Now, since your DH is not likely to be supportive, you may need to point out that when we have real job, we have no choice but to do our WORK first, and play later. And we don't always ENJOY our work. It's great if we do, but it isn't a guarantee. And besides, the sooner that we get our work done, the sooner we can play.
Then again, we have a "no worky, no eaty" policy around here. Every member of this family makes messes, so every member should be cleaning up to the best of their ability. They are not at a hotel, this is not Burger King, they CANNOT have it their way. You are going to be the mean parent for a while. Maybe figure on getting things done all week, during the day. It limits the amount of "dad interference" in getting the program in motion. Expect to hear complaints issued to dad, and then to you from dad. But when he's gone, you run the house. It is, in effect, your ship. And if that means that there are chores, well, so be it. You're not beating the children, you're not denying them something that they NEED. You are teaching them to PRIORITIZE. You are teaching them RESPONSIBILITY. You are teaching them how people work together as a family. And no one else is going to teach them that. It rests solely (at least the last two) on you and your DH....
As far as the bills, I'd see how much of it you can set up to handle automatically. I have several things that are withdrawn automatically on a set date each month...a set amount (things like the mortgage, storage unit fees, car insurance--stuff that isn't going to vary from month to month). I also do the rest online, except for two bills (the car, and a storage unit fee). I pay some things early, because I know if I wait, I will forget later in the month as time passes... But we only get paid once a month, on the first. So that works out well for us. I have a file in my "favorites" online that is "Banking and Bills". No websites go in there other than just that. I have separate ones for shopping, etc. If nothing else, write bill paying days onto a wall calendar, or onto the refrigerator on a white board calendar. And refer to it regularly! Scheduling yourself will help schedule the dc.
I also recommend decluttering as much as possible. I don't know what your housing situation is, but I know I can never get rid of enough stuff. Of course, DH has a TON for his job (he's in the army, so he has aLOT of equipment he has to keep at the house), and that makes things "interesting"...1100 sq ft and five people? And considering the bibliophile nature of most homeschoolers? Ouch, lol. But decluttering makes cleaning easier. It makes tidying up EASIER. It makes the dc maintaining their things easier. and institute a "if something comes in, something else goes out" policy, and stick to it (and if you donate to charity, get the receipts! You can write it off on your taxes next year!).
Someone else recommended a file folder for nothing but tax receipts. Amen on that one! A good many of your DHs work related expenses, charitable contributions to the Church, to charity, etc, all of that can be deducted. It pays to look into itemizing!
If your dc are play-motivated, maybe tentatively schedule a BIG fun day out, after they've fulfilled their chores regularly for a set length of time (explained BEFORE the chores start being implemented). Make it a short interval. The next reward, comes at a little bit longer interval. Etc, etc.
Don't know if any of this will help you at all, but I hope so.
((HUGS))
Rachel
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Lily 3/11/00
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Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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MichelleW
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| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 8:39pm | IP Logged
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Ok, this is controversial, but here is what we did when we decided our kids needed re-training in the chore department due to sloppiness and excessive(!) dawdling:
1. I made up a schedule that I could live with (I hate schedules, but I finally admit we do better with one. Anyway, this one is loose enough for me and tight enough for them).
2. We broke EACH chore down into tiny parts and I typed up the entire list of parts for each chore.
3. Starting with one chore at a time, we re-taught the parts carefully and checked for understanding and mastery on the day we taught it.
4. We discussed how silly it is to be paid for doing something you should do anyway (like cleaning your room), and then we assigned a point value to every tiny part of the chore and told the kids we would pay for a correctly and swiftly done chore for 4-6 weeks.
This has worked amazingly well. Each child knows what is expected and how to do it. Since I am paying, I only pay for a job WELL done and I have high standards. By the time the 6 weeks is up, the habit is formed and they each take such pride in knowing they can really do it and do it well.
I have a child with hypoglycemia, so I can't do "no work, no eat." This is what we have come up with and so far, so good. Though, we are only on our second chore, so next year I'll either have more credibility or another idea...
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Feb 14 2007 at 6:39am | IP Logged
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THank you all for the wonderful suggestions and pep talks. I know I HAVE to do this. I know it won't be easy. I know I am going it alone(sigh). I pray for the energy and discipline to make it all work. I do get tired of fighting daily.
I would like to implement the work then play mantra BUT it seems all we do is work--jobs in the am and then school(very hard to get to school after directing them to things they DON'T want to do for most of the am). And dd, who is only 4 just wants me to play house/dress up/or babies with her after we finally get teeth and hair brushed(and she is getting it cut soon as we are healthy enough to go out).
Do you think a transition period would work? Get jobs done and a small playtime and try to start school--though by that time the puppy is bouncing off the walls and needs to go out and play or a walk. See, everyone needs me but they don't fall into the routine I need! HELP!
I LOVE routines. How do you determine yours? HOw do you deal with it being flexible? Do you have priorities and do them first-I am thinking of our "out" days--and we do have quite a few-almost every day-even if just for 2 hours-1 hour class and 1 hour of travel time.
Off to get my bills organized-some great and simple suggestions there-thanks!. And while I am at it, anyone have any hints for balancing a checkbook that hasn't balanced in about a year? I am ready to open a new one and start over-just embarrassed to go to dh and tell him
Anne 
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Donna
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| Posted: Feb 14 2007 at 7:03am | IP Logged
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MichelleW wrote:
We broke EACH chore down into tiny parts and I typed up the entire list of parts for each chore.
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One thing I did, Anne, was to make each child's chore chart their own. When Aaron was younger and not yet reading, I copied and pasted pictures from the internet onto his chart that corresponded with the chore. eg. for brushing his teeth I put a picture of a toothbrush on the chart, a picture of a bed for making his bed....etc. then added a box for each day of the week so that he could place a check mark, or sticker, in the box when the chore was complete. I would lay each child's chart on the kitchen counter each morning and there were no privileges that day (tv, x-box, etc.) if the chores were not completed.
I used the same method for getting my kids in the habit of brushing their teeth without being told to do so. I hung a chart in the bathroom, and each day had two boxes to be filled in. After their teeth were brushed, they would place a sticker in the box. They loved it. In the beginning I would give them a little present for remembering to brush...if the chart was totally filled in at the end of the week.
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Donna
DH, Keven
Jason, Stevie, Marie, Jackson, Clara, and Aaron
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Grandbabies Leigha and Elsie
Moments Like These
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: I need a mentor
