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Dawnie
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 12:11am | IP Logged
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Can I get some advice on a tense family situation I'm dealing with?
Okay, I'm a convert to Catholicism. I was raised Methodist. My mom has always been pretty anti-Catholic. She's become even more so, since my dad converted to the Church after he divorced her and married a girl my age (really), and had his marriage to my mom annulled.
She wasn't happy when I joined the Church, either.
During and after my conversion, I spoke a lot about my new faith around my family. Apparantly, I came off over-zealous and my mom told me that I was making everyone "uncomfortable." So, I've been sticking to weather and funny kid stories as topics of conversation around them. My relationship with my mom has felt very strained and superficial for a long time, but I had been hoping that over time, my living example of the Catholic Church would soften her heart.
My 7yod is very strong-willed and stubborn. This past summer, she decided to try to talk to my mom about the Catholic Church. The first time she did it, she just said, out of the blue, "MamaMil, you should be Catholic!" My mom smiled politely and said through clenched teeth, "Why should I do that?" 7yod didn't know what to say to that, but when we were home later, she asked me how to respond to MamaMil's question. I was preoccupied with something else and said (without thinking about the ramifications), "Oh, just tell her that the Catholic Church is the one, true church." This teaching was even covered in dd's Catechism shortly thereafter. Well, I didn't think she'd really say that...but, of course, she did. For the past 6 months or so, everytime we've got together with my mom, 7yod has brought it up..."MamaMil, you should be Catholic...b/c the Catholic Church is the one, true Church!" I could tell that my mom was getting progressively more annoyed by my daughter, so I talked to her and told her, "Hey, I don't think MamaMil is ready to talk about the Catholic Church right now. We should focus on praying for her and being a good example." My 7yod (did I mention that she is strong-willed?) just kept right on. I've talked to her about this again and again...the only thing left to do is threaten to punish her if she does it again. And I do not want to punish my dd for attempting to share her faith with someone she loves.
After Clara's baptism, my 7yod again told my mom "You should be Catholic...the Catholic Church is...." I was sitting nearby, nursing Clara, but I witnessed my mom say "I think you've been misinformed." to my dd and then stalk off. She didn't come to the party we had after the baptism and I haven't heard from her since then. It's been 6 weeks now, which isn't all that unusual during the school year (my mom's a ps teacher) and she's dating someone, too. We tend to see and hear from her a lot less when she has a man in her life.  I talked to my dd about the "misinformed" comment. She didn't even know what "misinformed" meant. But, she's too stubborn to let someone else thinking that she's misinformed affect her beliefs. I guess that is where stubborness is a good thing?
About 2 weeks ago, 7yod asked me if she could call MamaMil and tell her that she was sorry. We had been talking a lot about how the way she was approaching MamaMil about the Catholic Church was making her angry and encouraging her to try to talk about things they have in common, like favorite Bible stories.
So, I let dd call.  She told my mom that she was sorry, but also tacked on, "But I'm not misinformed." My mom must have thought she was calling her just to try to talk to her about the Church again and said, "Well, I don't need to hear that from a 7yo child. It's none of your business. I have to go." And hung up. I was kinda shocked and didn't know what to do. I was afraid that if I called her to try to explain things, we'd get into a heated argument and that I might say things I shouldn't. I talked to dh about it and he says that I need to set some boundaries with her, tell her she can't tell our dc that they're "misinformed" about their faith. I don't know what to do. I know I need to step in and try to smooth things over, but I don't know how to do that without denying my own faith, relinquishing my responsibility to educate my dc, or getting into an argument with her. She's a very hard person to talk to. I'm afraid that when I bring this up, she's just going to start going off about every little thing she hates about the Church, every little thing I've ever done wrong, every little thing that's wrong with homeschooling, etc, etc. I don't want to get into an argument with her. I would like for her to understand that this whole thing was my 7yod's idea (I didn't put her up to it), that said dd is very strong-willed, and that the whole reason she brought it up was b/c she wants MamaMil to go to church with us so she can see her more. My dc see my dh's parents once a week or more at times. They see my parents once every couple of months.  And we all live in the same city. I want to tell her that she just can't say things like "I think you've been misinformed" to my dc about matters of faith. I've been hoping that it will all just blow over, but I don't think that dd will stop bringing it up. Our relationship is so strained, I'm afraid that if I set up a boundary like "You can't say things like that to my kids." that we won't have a relationship at all anymore.
Sorry this is so long...anyone have any advice? I feel like I've really screwed up by not doing anything for so long and now I don't know how to fix it.
Dawn
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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JennyMaine
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 5:38am | IP Logged
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Hmmm. . .this is a difficult situation. Since I just posted about problems with my sister, I can sympathize with your family situation so much.
First, the thing that stands out to me is the fact that your mom would assume that there is some kind of bad intent behind all this. In other words, if my Baptist friend's 7 yr old son were to come up to me and say, "Auntie Jen, we wish you would come back to the Baptist church. Your church isn't any good, " I really think I would just grin and say, "Hey, I think it's awesome that you are so happy at your church and that you want to share Jesus with me. I love my church, too, and I'm just glad we both have Jesus in common that we can talk about." KWIM? The very fact that you mom would assume you put her up to it and become mad. . .right away, something is wrong.
I can't help but understand how she can feel bitter toward a church that would allow your dad to marry someone else with the church's blessing. I'm sure it doesn't help her anti-Catholic sentiments to have that salt poured in the wound! Now, do you really think you were over-zealous when new to the faith -- or is that just her perception?
All things considered, I'm trying to think of a way you can diffuse the situation -- to let your mom know that you love her no matter what denomination she is (of course, you'll privately keep praying for her conversion!) Can you first send a letter or e-mail telling her how much you love her and that you are sorry things have taken this turn? Or visit her alone? It seems to me that while you are letting her know that you love her and you are sorry she's uncomfortable, she needs a gentle reminder -- if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, she's going to have to come up with a better strategy for discussing faith differences. Your daughter's Catholicism isn't going to go away and it will come up again and again over the years. How can you help your mom and daughter both learn to disagree to disagree with love?
I'll be praying for you today. Family struggles can be so hurtful, and it is so frustrating to be misunderstood. When it involves the hearts of our children, it is even worse. I'm thinking about how Jesus felt when His extended family rejected Him and thought He was crazy. We know He can relate to what you're going through. Be sure you ask Him for His advice!
Jen
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--JennyMaine, Mom to Catherine (17) and Sam (15) "The countenance is a reflection of the soul. You should always have a calm and serene countenance." -- Therese of Lisieux
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 5:43am | IP Logged
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Dawn, my immediate thought was maybe to write a letter to her instead of calling, and then both you and your dd could put your thoughts down, especially that your dd wants to see her grandmother more than she does.
I think you did the right thing with your dd by telling her that grandma isn't ready to hear these things now. And you are right, you don't want to punish her for wanting to share her faith. How wonderful!
Sadly, maybe you won't be able to have any contact with your mother at all. That would not be the fault of you for converting, or of your dd for trying to talk to her own grandma.
I'm praying for all of you involved in this difficult situation.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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msclavel
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 6:47am | IP Logged
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I started putting in a whole bunch of advice, but changed my mind. I will be praying for all of you. And give that daughter a big hug from me. If only I were as bold in sharing my faith with my difficult family members (like my own sister). And I love her tenacity "I am not misinformed" What a tremendous job you've done in passing on the faith.
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MrsKey
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 9:32am | IP Logged
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I'm in a very similar position. My mother had a very bad childhood experience with religion in general and the Catholic and Anglican Churches specifically. As a result she is at best an agnostic and at worst hopelessly rebellious and vehemently anti-religion.
Neither she nor my father were particularly happy with our decision to convert.
I finally had to simply ban all discussions of the faith between my parents and my daughter.
What I realized was that my daughter, no matter how well intentioned and no matter how sincere, is not old enough or educated enough in theology to be engaging in such discussions.
Given the black and white manner in which most children see things their delivery tends to be very blunt. Not always the best approach.
So realizing that my daughter isn't yet prepared to engage in apologetics and that her "in your face" delivery was offensive and an affront to my parents ... In the interest of protecting my daughter's faith and honouring my parents I just banned all such discussions.
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stacykay
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 11:15am | IP Logged
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Dawn,
this is hard. I am sorry you have had to go through a tough time with your mom. And for your daughter, too.
Carole had good advice  . I'll add some more, fwiw!
My background, very quickly. My mum was raised Baptist, was married to a Lutheran, whom she divorced for her and my sisters' physical safety. She mentioned that while she was married, she knew a woman who was deeply grieved, as her children were now "illegitimate" due to the fact that this lady's marriage was annulled. (A misperception on both this lady's and my mum's part, but many who aren't Catholic, especially in day's of old when illegitimacy was an embarrassment, at the least!, think that annulling the marriage makes the children illegitimate.) As a result, when my mum's first husband sought an annulment to remarry a Catholic, she refused to fill out the paperwork. I never knew my mum had all these worries and concerns about the Church, until only about 5 years before she died. She never gave me a problem about converting. She was the type to always keep her opinion to herself, and I am glad, because I was never tainted against the Church when I was little. After my conversion, I also never tried to convert my family (I am very uncomfortable in confronting anyone about much of anything, and there have been times when I have really needed to do this!) I don't know where your mom is coming from, completely, but there may be many misunderstandings on her part, about the church? Or maybe she thinks your dd doesn't respect her?
I would probably go a letter route, too, like Paula suggested. That way you wouldn't get drawn into the other issues that bother your mom. I might suggest to your courageous dd a letter along the lines of "Dear Grandma, I am so sorry for anything I said that hurt you. I love you very much and was hoping to find a way we could spend more time together. I am sure you have some ideas of things we can do to have fun together. Please forgive me. Please call me. Love, ...."
I would also probably add a letter of my own, again, along the lines of dd's, but in more "grown-up" talk.
Then, I would probably not discuss any faith matters with her, again. And I would clue in 7 yo dd to the new limit in conversation, while preserving her respect for her grandma. And if your mom ever does bring up faith issues, again, I would just say something like, "I love you, mom, and I would rather not talk about it," unless she says, "I want to join the Catholic church!"
I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I will pray for all of you.
God Bless!
Stacy in MI
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Topic: Catholic dd vs. Protestant grandma
