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Ruth
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Now that we've narrowed down who called SS on us, where do we go from here? This is a non-christian family with only one child, who happens to be over weight. We know we must be charitable to them, and pray for them. But, I have all these crazy ideas. I want to get all my grocery receipts and mail it to them. We had Dominoe's for dinner last night, and we were joking about dropping off some leftovers  We could send them a fruit basket.
My husband told the kids that when the little girl comes over and asks if they can come over to play, they should say that they're about to eat, and can't come out to play. They are not allowed to go over there again. It's going to be so hard knowing they're right across the street from us in the cul-de-sac.
So, any advice on what to say to them? Do we act as if nothing ever happened? The little girl always runs home upset when my kids can't come out to play, which is what happened Saturday morning. This is probably why they did it. My girls finally stopped going over there after they got tired of her asking my girls if they wanted a drink, or popsicles, and then she would go to her mom and say, "Mom, the girls want to know if they can have..." whatever she just offered them. They got tired of being embarrased.
Am I making any sense? I'm rambling on. I just wanted to know what you all thought.
God bless.
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Ruth
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Paula in MN
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Ruth,
I know you are hurt by what happened. I don't think you should make their child suffer. If anything, she needs to know what a truly Christian and charitable family looks like, how they act among themselves and towards others. You don't need to be overly friendly to the parents, but, who knows? Your example may teach them something.
Just my 2 cents...
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 Paula
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humanaevitae
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I don't know if I would want to leave my family open to any more calls. I would not let my kids go over to play but might be open to having their child play at my house.
Would you ever be able to write the neighbors a letter or talk to them about the situation? Kindly suggest if they have concerns, it would be more respectful to discuss it with you? I think I would tend to be direct and need the matter to be discussed in order to move on with those neighbors. Why did they call? Why didn't they feel comfortable talking to you about it? How this makes you feel...
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Lisbet
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Ruth, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a very deep and painful violation when someone does this. It terrifies you right to the core.
I was 4 weeks postpartum when it happened to us. We knew right away who did it, we've had issues in the past with these neighbors. We always tried to be an authentic Christian example to them, even when they were mean to us. He actually had the nerve to put a letter in our mailbox stating his reasons for calling. He said at one point "You two need HELP, you keep having kids without caring for the kind of life they have." and "There is simply no way for two parents to take care of that many children properly."
I will admit thought, we stayed up late a few nights thinking of all the things we could do to them. Sounds horrible, I know, but it allowed us to blow off alot of steam because it always turned hysterical!
Luckily those neighbors moved. But before they did, each time I or the children went outside, he would come out with his telephone in his hand and stare at us. I truly think he was a bit, um, loopy. His wife worked during the day, he was a teacher out for the summer, and my husband was gone all day. I spent most of last summer either holed up in the house with the kids or out. It was awful.
Even though they have moved, I'm still very paranoid. I know what people are capeable of and that scares me. All of our neighbors find us very strange. If we don't sell our house soon, I worry about the kind of summer we will have this year. I am simply not comfortable letting even my older kids, 12 and 10, out to play without me right there.
It might just be my personality, but I have had a very hard time getting over it. It's way less of an issue for me now, but it still really stings when I think about it.
I hope you find peace with it all very soon.
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Alice R
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I read your post about them calling on you. I might have missed another one.
To be honest, I wouldn't be hanging out with them any time soon. 
They could've talked to you or handled this a million other ways rather than do something so serious and drastic. Calling SS is VERY serious. Your children could've been removed or a number of other horrible things. 
I would not cut contact to be mean but just as a matter of keeping my family away from someone who could hurt us so badly.
I know that you want to show a good Christian spirit and heart, which is VERY admirable. But I'd be wary of "friends" or "acquaintances" who do something so serious.
I'm so sorry that you went through all that.
Blessings,
ALice R
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chicken lady
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There is NO way I would have involvement with them again. SS is VERY serious in todays climate. Wave, smile and pray!
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Anne McD
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I don't think I'd have much to do with them, either. Maybe the kids could play together in the cul de sac when the weather gets nicer (that's what we do with our neighbors), riding bikes and such, but there's no reason for the kids to go to each other's homes.
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Ruth
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Thank you all, for your advice. The more I think about it, the more scared I get. I want the girls to be charitable and play with her, but if they can do this, they're capable of accusing us of something else 
I wonder if we should get a lawyer and prepare for another attack of some sort.
She came over yesterday and asked if the girls could come over to play, but the girls told her they were about to eat I felt so bad about turning her away, so I had the girls call her and invite her over for a little while. While she was here she said she was hungry, and that our kids are always eating. It's just too weird for me.
I'm looking forward to the weather warming up, so they could just play outside in our view, but in the meantime, if we keep turning her away, I'm afraid of how they'll react. We think the reason why they finally lost it was because of dd's 13th birthday. She didn't have her over for the sleep over, for many reasons, and the next day when she was supposed to come over for the party, we unexpectedly had to cut it short, so she missed out on it.
Maybe I'm thinking too much. I just don't know what they're capable of, but we're torn between being charitable, and being cautious.
Our girls are not allowed to go there ever again. We'll definately keep praying for them. I feel sorry for that little girl.
Just my thoughts for this morning. God bless you all.
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Servant2theKing
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The whole sitution sounds as though the family that called SS either misunderstood your circumstances or took things out of context. You have no reason to believe that the same thing won't happen again. This is a valid basis for keeping your children away from their child or home. You would simply be doing so for the sake of protectiing of your own children and family from further incidents like you've already experienced.
It may seem difficult, or nearly impossible, but if you can pray for the family who made that report, you will have greater peace with the situation. We experienced a very difficult situation with a fellow HSing family, which has still not been resolved...when I pray for them, and offer up my own human anguish over the situation, I am much more at peace! Praying for those who persecute us truly brings grace to seemingly impossible situations!
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hylabrook1
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Ruth -
As you said, "It's just to weird for me." I think that says it all. I think I would be asking myself how much contact I would want my dc to have with this little girl even if her parents HADN'T *turned me in.* In other words, the whole thing sounds pretty weird to me, too, even absent the DSS thing. The family/child don't sound like people I would feel comfortable being very involved with anyway. Calling DSS is just a symptom of whatever *weirdness* is part (a large part?) of who they are/how they operate. I don't mean to condemn this family; I certainly don't know them personally. But even while maintaining a charitable attitude (not gossiping about them to the other neighbors, sending them food if they are sick, speaking to them in a kind and friendly manner, etc.), I wouldn't encourage them to play in one another's homes or ask them to babysit my dc (even for just a short while). It seems to me that you have an intuitive sense that something isn't quite right there. As a mother who is protecting her dc, which is your vocation, does it make sense to go on as if you don't know that something is amiss with this family? I really think the sense of discomfort you are getting is something that you should obey.
Just mho, so please process and take it with a grain of salt. Obviously, you are the one who is there and who knows whether what I've said really fits the situation.
Continuing to pray for you.
Peace,
Nancy
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hylabrook1
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I was typing while Servant was posting.
Peace,
Nancy
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guitarnan
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I'd err on the side of caution, were I in this situation. I probably would have the kids play outside in groups only and not invite the girl into my home again. This would lead to a discussion with my own dc about why they can't invite her in...and me giving them some words to say if she complains to them about the new policy. (Words like, "My mom says that you should have your mom talk about this with her, please," so that the dc aren't forced to explain or relive the upsetting situation...)
And there is no way I'd leave my dc alone with those parents for any reason. Indoors or out, I'd want to be there if the parents were out.
The bad part is that it limits you and your dc, while the people who caused you such pain get to do whatever they want.
The good part is that you know you're following your heart, your instinct and your vocation...and in the end, I know you'll receive the blessings that are your due.
If you've already talked to HSLDA (I think I read this in another post), you've already called a lawyer. While they limit their defense to homeschooling situations, they tend to interpret any calls to DSS as serious and will undoubtedly continue to advise you. If something, even a small something happens again, perhaps you should call them ASAP and let them help you decide if you need other legal advice.
Honestly, if the parents would take such drastic action because their child is upset about a cancelled birthday event, they have serious issues and you should be very cautious around them, IMHO.
Hang in there. As you say, the warm weather will help this blow over (as much as it can). Meanwhile, cuddle those darlings close!
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MrsKey
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I suppose I, too, am overly cautious.
I would not allow my child(ren) to play with this little girl. Not out of a sense of spite but out of a sense of protecting my family.
Children often tell their parents things about play dates. And as we all know children are often not very good observers or reporters and often misrepresent things. Even though such a misrepresentation would be completely unintentional ... the risks involved if the parents of this child take it the wrong way are just too severe to be ignored.
While I might feel sorry for the child the need to protect my own family is paramount and outweighs my feelings of sympathy.
Prayers going up for you in this difficult situation.
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Martha
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I wouldn't have anything to do with them and wouldn't allow the kids to play together.
Everytime their kid was at your home or your kid was at their home - you'd be a nervous wreck wondering what they will make of this or that and every other little thing said or done.
Why inflict that on your family?
They have to know that you wouldn't want anything to do with someone who would so recklessly endanger your family like that. They'd be very simple-minded not to understand. And yes, calling SS on someone is endangering them. Sometimes it is a lesser danger than the family situation, but still it's not a good thing.
I also question that they were genuinely concerned about food. If I was that worried about a neighbor, I wouldn't let them go hungry while I called SS to check into it. I'd take them food!
If it helps any, all of our children are very skinny too and many people think they don't eat enough. They see the kids eat like horses just in from a desert and think they don't get enough at home. They compare them to other kids and think ours are abnormally skinny.
What they don't know is the kids are just like I used to be and dh has always been and that they ALWAYS eat like that. What they don't see is that my kids are not abnormally skinny compared to others, others are abnormally over-weight in our society. Those who really know us don't think anything of it because they know this. 
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think when someone goes through this, they probably never feel fully secure as a parent again. It's such a helpless thing to know that you are at the mercy of some SS official that can swoop in because of some phone call and take your children from you. Scary I can only imagine.
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Jen L.
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This helped me when a similar situation happened to us:
I wrote a letter to the person - free form, no wordsmithing or editing. And then, I DID NOT send it. I ended up (probably a few weeks later) ripping it up.
Basically, it was a form of journaling and it really did help me heal.
It is so hard. I am praying for you,
Jen
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Anne McD
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Also, Ruth, you said a couple of times that you want to be charitiable, but keeping your kids safe from a family you cannot trust is not uncharitable. You are doing your duty as a parent.
I might be tempted to be blunt with the mother of this child if she comes over again. Just say sweetly to her that your children can't play right now, but you'll discuss with her mom when they'll be able to get together again. Then call her mom and tell her that unfortunately, someone in the neighborhood recklessly (sp?) and cowardly called SS on your family without coming to you first. Now, you have been forced into a situation where your trust in your neighbors has been ruined, and you will wait until the warmer weather for your children to play outside together, where everyone can be fully supervised.
You are not the bad guy in this- who ever called is. I agree that praying for whoever did this to you and consciencly "letting go" whenever the anger arises will help you to move on, but let them know that it was their actions that ruined things, not yours.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this!! It stinks b/c its just won't "go away".
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Sarah
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Alice R wrote:
Calling SS is VERY serious. Your children could've been removed or a number of other horrible things.
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This is what I was thinking, too. These people have some serious problems and I would still be charitable from a distance, but there would be NO CONTACT whatsoever with them. I know that's easy to say. I am so sorry. . .
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Sarah
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PS I think you would be wise to get legal help ready because if they feel slighted they might get angry. Document everything you've told us thus far!!!!
It was a very serious run-in with neighbors that sparked me to have the kids only play in the backyard and put up a privacy fence at our other house.
Within the next two years, we moved.
Not that we all should run away from everything, but we felt we were in a very "unsafe" neighborhood. . .like we were being watched and the children had threats that if they continued their "behavior" their "daddy could lose his job." Two weeks before we were to close on our new house we found out a childless neighbor watched us from her upstairs window. She could see into our "private" backyard. We found this out from the threatening neighbor who said this other spying neighbor told us what goes on in our yard. (Uh, kids (BOYS) just playing???). Wacko.
Be careful. Ask St. Joseph what to do. He had to protect his family and I'm sure the Flight into Egypt was terrifying.
I'll offer up my day for you. . and it looks like a hard day ahead.
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humanaevitae
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Are you absolutely sure it was this neighbor? Can you trust that your other neighbors are telling the truth when they say they didn't do it?
I would ask the new neighbors point blank. If they did then kindly explain that obviously they don't consider you a fit parent and someone who is capable of supervising their daughter so no more playdates.
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JodieLyn
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Do you even really know the parents? It seems to me all this "communication" is going through the little girl and she's obviously less than truthful (manipulative) even to her own parents. Sometimes people will think to call the "authorities" because they don't know how or can't for some reason approach the person involved.
NOT that I wouldn't want to hole up myself.. and would likely do just that 
But sometimes it's the not knowing people much that leads to this type of situtation and the solution would be to know each other better.. not less.
But it seems that it would make most sense to go one way or the other.. either break all contact so that the stories stop.. or increase contact so that the stories stop holding water and the parents feel like they can contact you to verify said stories.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: So now, what do we do?
