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Anonymous
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| Posted: Jan 23 2007 at 7:56pm | IP Logged
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I'm looking for advice about my mother. Sorry, sorry, this is very very long.
Here's the story. My father s*xually abused my siblings and me. He eventually got found out and was sent to prison. Meanwhile my mother stuck by him, visited him in prison. So did we children for a while, until gradually we got brave enough to say that we didn't want to any more. When challenged by me, my mother said that she would not leave him even if the abuse started again when he came out.
When he was released from prison, he wasn't allowed to live back at home, so my mother divided her time between his place and our home. She was was frequently away for several days at a time.
My father was sent to prison for a second time. While he was in prison my mother met someone else and married him.
When my father was released, he was friends with my mother and stepfather.
Meanwhile my mother was increasingly absent. For a while after I had children she was interested, and came to stay with us a few times. But gradually the contact decreased to almost nothing, to the extent that I hadn't even spoken to her to tell her I was pregnant again.
Then my stepfather died. Meanwhile, my husband told my mother that if she took up with my father again, that would be the end of any contact with her grandchildren. She said that wasn't going to happen.
About 18 months ago, I learned she was in contact with my father again.
We didn't speak to her for months and months. She sent money to the children for this last Christmas. In my Christmas card I told her our news and encouraged her to phone me. She hasn't phoned. In my thank you card I said that I was sad that she hadn't phoned and that I can't be the one who always phones her. I haven't heard from her.
I just don't know what to do. I strongly suspect that she is now living with my father again. Maybe he's screening her mail. Maybe she hasn't got my cards. Maybe he's told her not to be in touch with us. Maybe she knows how angry and disappointed I'll be if she tells me that he's back.
Jesus tells us to forgive 70 times 7. I don't think I've forgiven her for everything that's happened. I don't think she's asked for forgiveness. Does she need to? Should I try to make contact again? I'm scared of speaking to my father (who I haven't spoken to for 20 years). I feel totally rejected and unloved by my mother. I can't imagine treating a child of mine like she's treated all of us. Then again, there's a real possibility, given her martyr complex, that *she* genuinely feels hard done by.
I'm also really, really fearful of my father having any contact with my own children -- seeing their pictures, knowing their names, anything. There is no way I could let my mother see them if he is even vaguely in the background. I could not trust her not to let herself be manipulated by him. In this context, is there any way at all I can even think of having a relationship with my mother?
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Taffy
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| Posted: Jan 23 2007 at 8:29pm | IP Logged
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I remember an Oprah episode that I watched years ago (back when I had the time to watch daytime TV  ) about a man who'd been horrifically abused by his mother.
This man was inspiring to watch as he obviously had forgiven his mother for everything. The things she did to him were truly cruel and life threatening, yet he found the strength to forgive her. She didn't seek his fogiveness, but he came to the conclusion that if he were ever to recover from his past, he needed to forgive.
That said, he was later asked if he keeps in contact with his mother. His reply was that, no he did not. While he did find the strength to forgive her, he came to realize that she was never going to change. He also realized that he didn't have to subject himself to being hurt by her anymore.
You can still love your mother, but you don't have to allow her to continue to hurt you. And you certainly don't have to risk your father harming your children. I think that you've been very gracious, it's up to her to accept your forgiveness and your attempts towards reconciliation. The same goes for your father.
Is there a spiritual advisor you can access? Maybe he/she could provide you with some concrete help.
Praying for you...
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
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Erin
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| Posted: Jan 23 2007 at 9:58pm | IP Logged
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What an amazing person you have turned out to be considering all you have endured 
I have no answer as to why your mother is like she is. It is totally unfathomable but I'm afraid she is not the first. 
Considering the circumstances there is no way you can allow any contact of your father to filter through. No doubt he still denies it all and admits no wrong.  Obviously your mother is still in denial as well.
To forgive truly takes time, it is not an overnight thing and just when you have forgiven one thing a fresh one crops up. I used to wonder 'how can I go to communion when I have not truly forgiven, I am so mad' but then I thought of the graces that I would receive from communion and Our Lord knew it all. So I received and made sure that at every consecration I prayed for those whom I needed to forgive. As Our Lord was elevated I prayed for them. As time went on my hurt was slowly healed and I could think of them without my stomach going in knots and could in fact remember even some nice things about them. Forgiveness come one prayer at a time.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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Jenny
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| Posted: Jan 23 2007 at 10:32pm | IP Logged
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Meanwhile, my husband told my mother that if she took up with my father again, that would be the end of any contact with her grandchildren.
I think there is your answer. You are blessed to have such a loving & protecting husband.
You can & should forgive any injury. A good spiritual director can help you through this process.
But if you think your father and mother will not abuse your children, you are fooling yourself. I added mother b/c if she knew/knows his behavior & did nothing, she was part of the abuse.
The only way to know if an abuser has changed is to take the risk of being abused. Is that a risk you are willing to take?
You are not "required" to see them or have contact w/them...you are required to pray for them.
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: Jan 23 2007 at 10:58pm | IP Logged
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4mothermary wrote:
You can & should forgive any injury. A good spiritual director can help you through this process.
You are not "required" to see them or have contact w/them...you are required to pray for them.
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I think that this is an important distinction to make. Jesus does tell us to forgive 7 x 70, but forgiveness does NOT mean that you have to have contact or a relationship with a person. The risk to your family is too great. What you must do is prevent your heart from hardening against your parents, and try to pray for them.
This is a trying hurtful situation, and I'm so sorry you have to suffer through it. You have my prayers!
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Noreen
Wife to Ed
Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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Dawnie
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| Posted: Jan 23 2007 at 11:18pm | IP Logged
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What a difficult and heartbreaking situation.
I also have a very strained and superficial relationship with my mother, for reasons that are different and less serious than yours. One of the greatest JOYS of my life, though, has been getting to know our Heavenly Mother, Mary. Our earthly mothers should point us toward Mary and when they don't (because of abusive or neglectful behavior) it is very painful, because we know in our heart of hearts that it shouldn't be like that. I remember a great consolation that took place in my own life when I was praying before the Blessed Sacrament, grieving over one of the hurts my mother caused me...while I was praying, I asked Mary to be my mother and I felt a great sense of peace and acceptance after that prayer.
Some things are very very difficult to forgive. There is a person in my life who has hurt me many times and it has been VERY difficult to forgive this person. The only way I could do it was to take a leap of faith by just saying it, first of all...telling the person that I forgave them, even (and especially) if I didn't FEEL like it. Forgiveness has to be an act of the will in some cases. Forgiving someone (to me) means that you continue to love the person in spite of what they have done to you. But to love your mother and your father, you do not need to expose yourself and your children to the risk of being abused. You can love her and still protect your children.
I'm so sorry that you're having to suffer through this. I will be praying for you.
Dawn
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Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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Mary G
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| Posted: Jan 24 2007 at 7:29am | IP Logged
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Please know that I'll be saying a novena for protection for your children and forgiveness in your heart for you....all have said everything that I would have said, but know that we are all praying for you and will try to help in any way we can....
blessings and hugs and prayers
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Jan 24 2007 at 8:32am | IP Logged
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We will also start a novena for you and your children. My heart aches for you and all you have suffered. It is clear that you are trying to do what is best. I agree with what others have said, and add that you need to do for your children what your parents could not do for you -- guard and protect them at all costs. If you do not, who will? It is just not worth the risk.
Praying for all of you, including your parents.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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msclavel
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I know how difficult these situations can be. We are experiencing something similar with my husband's family. Its rough. But the bottom line is that we will not sacrifice our children's innocence to make someone "feel" better (in this case, an older cousin). Forgiveness is not an altar to offer up your children on. Work on forgiveness, definitely come to a peace and understanding in your heart. But sin has consequences and your mother may have chosen to take the side of sin. I have a taste of that pain with my own mil. And it has harbored a coldness in my husband's heart that pains me even more.
Many prayers for you in this trial especially that Our Lady will draw very close to you and comfort you.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 24 2007 at 11:00am | IP Logged
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You are doing so well under difficult circumstances. My heart aches for you and your family as our family has faced similar difficulties. Over the years, through prayer and God's gentle love, we have learned that we can honor and love our parents while also setting them up for success and, most importantly, protecting our children.
I am sorry for your sorrow. Know that you are not alone. Your heavenly Father loves you. Your heavenly Mother loves you. And we love you and will pray for you and your family as you grow through this difficult time.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Dawn
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Friends, I don't mean to interrupt this important conversation, but I'd just like to clear up any confusion there might be here. The moderator who originated this thread was posting on behalf of a member who wished to remain anonymous. That moderator is not the member with this particular concern.
Thanks, and please let us continue offering our thoughts and prayers.
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Dawn, mum to 3 boys 
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nissag
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| Posted: Jan 24 2007 at 1:10pm | IP Logged
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Oh dear... I was abused by someone close to me. There is a forgiveness without further contact. Forgiveness happens in your heart. You don't have to do anything more. Forgiveness does not mean you allow the opportunity to hurt you again, or anyone whom you are protecting.
I would leave well enough alone. We still have contact with my abuser, but I keep a hawk's eye on him and my children, which is extremely stressful. The worst was having to explain to our oldest daughter... But we had to in order to protect her.
I'm so sorry, sweetie...
I'm praying for you!
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Nissa
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alicegunther
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Offering many prayers for you and so sorry to read about your terrible suffering.
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Love, Alice
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Brew yourself a cup of tea, and come for a visit!
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1floridamom
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There isn't anything that I can say that hasn't been said. We'll keep you in our prayers.
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Monica in FL
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Nina Murphy
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I second what Noreen said, 100%.
All I can do is pray....
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God bless,
~~Nina
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and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Anonymous
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| Posted: Jan 26 2007 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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I just wanted to express my heartfelt thanks for everyone who has responded and prayed for me, it is overwhelming, yet welcoming and I'm so grateful for how much everyone cares. Please accept my thanks and gratitude as I continue to sort through this difficult situation.
Anonymous
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Can Anyone Help Here?
