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Diane
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 7:29pm | IP Logged
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Tonight after basketball practice (on a team where all of the other players attend the American school), my 13yo and I had a teary exchange about homeschooling. She knows that going to school is not an option here, but she is just so tired of feeling different. Our time in Belgium has been hardest on her. She has only a few friends who are homeschooled (none Catholic), and she sees them only about once a month since they don't live close by. Her best friend lives in VA, and they call and email often, but it is not the same as having someone right here with whom to share her life. She is an extrovert and has always wanted to experience school. Accepting our decision to keep her home was so much easier for her when we were surrounded by wonderful Catholic hsing families in the US.
We have not followed a traditional curriculum, and she often questions whether she is behind her peers, even though I've tried to reassure her that she is not and that education can't be measured by grades and having your day separated into class periods. Personally, I believe she is far ahead academically and socially, more a result of her gifts than my efforts. I have given her lots of freedom and time to delve into her passions, but somehow I have failed to light a fire beneath her. She definitely lacks the confidence that this is a good and worthy way of life. And that breaks my heart.
Truth be told, my three oldest (13, 11, 9) would all prefer to be in school. Even my 6yo, who is very attached to me, has expressed an interest. It is so disheartening and suggests to me that I must be doing something wrong. I do not at all doubt our decision to educate them at home and have no desire to send them to school. But surely, they should find more joy in being home, because they are basically very happy children. If only I were more organized, more disciplined, more creative, more energetic, more passionate.....sometimes I feel like such a failure.
So, I'm wondering, why have my kids not embraced this lifestyle that I love so much? Is it that I fail to show just how much I love it? (Real joy would be contagious, wouldn't it?) Do your children enjoy being at home or do they sometimes look longingly at the greener pastures on the other side of the school gate?
My heart is so heavy for my daughter right now. I would appreciate your prayers for us.
__________________
Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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kristina
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
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Diane,
Count on my prayers for you and your family.
Blessings,
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kristina
yesterthoughts
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lapazfarm
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It could be just a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I think we all go through this from time to time. It's only natural.
Even as adults we can fall victim to this-those who live in the country miss the opportunities available in the city, those who live in the city long for the relaxed country life, etc.
Even if we know our choices are right, there are always things that are attractive about other choices that can some times tempt us to forget the many good reasons we have chosen the life we lead.
My ds loves being home educated, but does sometimes miss his friends from public school. Even thogh he occasionally expresses a little longing to go back to school, when it comes right down to it, he knows he is better off at home.
Could be that since your dd is feeling particularly lonely rigt now she is just fishing for some way to help in that area, and going to school seems like it might do that for her. But she has no idea, really.
Remember, 13 yr old girls are not operating on logic most of the time. Emotions RULE this age group. You must be the voice of reason and reassurance for her. You have made your choice to homeschool for good reasons. I am sure you will find ways to help your dd through a rough patch like this.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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ALmom
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 10:47pm | IP Logged
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Diane:
Prayers, understanding and hugs. We've been there (not overseas but in a region of the country with very few Catholics and not any other Catholic girls her age that were homeschooling) with a 13 yo girl, extrovert worried about how we were preparing her and longing for friends to do things with and wanting to be in school and tired of always standing out as different. It was a very difficult time.
For what it is worth here are some of the things we did or helpful advice we received:
try not to become emotionally wrapped around the axle with them. Listen but do not feed the fire of dissatisfaction.
try to find out what, exactly, they do not like about homeschooling without prolonging the litany of woes and feeling sorry for themselves. This does become a clue of real needs that you may have to try and attend to in creative ways.
Acknowledge any real difficulties with the homeschooling (nothing is perfect after all and this is life) but then take it one step further - how do we make this the best that we can and elicit suggestions from the oldest. Then, together, try to follow through on these ideas and see where it leads. Many times our efforts led to dead ends - but then we simply tried something else (matter of factly and not in an emotional panic that life would fall apart if we didn't solve this problem in a hurry)
Don't give up in looking for ways to meet her needs or in your conviction of homeschooling. If nothing else turns up, take her out on special outings with just you as you begin to see her more as a young lady and less with the younger crowd at home.
A few things my daughter really needed was a chance to be in a large group of people where she could shine and someplace where she was not the odd-ball homeschooler. Our avenue for this turned out to be a community youth orchestra. She didn't feel like an odd ball because music was her passion and the orchestra drew from schools all over the city. It was much more difficult for her to feel accepted in things that drew from only one school - ie then she was the outsider all the time (this included almost everything at the parish as all the kids in the parish either went to one public school or the local Catholic high school). While she did not meet any real friends in orchestra or get invited to social events, it did alleviate her angst as she focused on something she loved and discovered that she was perfectly able to converse and work with and be a part of this - being highly liked and respected. My guess is that activities that only draw from the American school are going to always make her feel like an outsider simply because they have bonded together in all the other school things they do and 13 yo do tend to be clickish. Is there anything that draws on youth (American and Belgian) in a region pursuing a common cause or working towards something your dd has a particular interest or talent in? Maybe look to take advantage of where you are and make the best of it. Is your dd proficient in the language enough to participate in community activities as opposed to American based ones? (Just beginning ideas but you with your dd will know best what might be realistic - brainstorm and think outside the usual. When we thought orchestra - my 13 yo did not play any orchestral instruments, but her lonliness was a huge motivator to learn and she loved music).
In our communication, we did learn that our dd did want a bit more structure at this time and we tweaked things a bit till both of us were comfortable. You do not have to give up your flexibility just because you draw on a set of more structured lesson plans.
We also found that our daughter's angst was alleviated somewhat when we got a couple of tutors. Mostly it gave her a chance to see what someone else would say about her work and gave her the confidence that it just wasn't mom's prejudice that told her she was an excellent writer, etc. I also think there is a real need for affirmation coming from outside the immediate family - and tutors provided for some of this as did music teachers and orchestra conductors. A compliment coming from outside meant more and built her confidence more.
If it is any reassurance, this daughter is now in college, very happy and grateful for her years of homeschooling though she will still tell you that there were some very, very lonely, tough years.
As for the others - is it perhaps picking up on the dissatisfaction of the oldest?
I know that what works for one isn't always what works for another - but just continue being the mom and supporter that you are and realize that you may be walking by faith without sight for a while. Our prayers are with you.
Janet
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Rebecca
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I will pray for your daughter, Diane.
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Marybeth
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We will be praying. I think this age is by far the hardest (I know it was for me). I think anything perceived as different at this age is hard to understand when you just want to go by unnoticed. Meaning..not standing out unless you want to...
Could you possibly show her some different curriculums? Maybe she would feel better if she saw and thought...we did this, we do this but in another way, or maybe she would like a math curriculum or LA one were she could be evaluated by someone other than yourself?
Mb
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Marybeth (Mb)
http://held-together.blogspot.com
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Dawn
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Diane, I will pray for your daughter, too.
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Dawn, mum to 3 boys
By Sun and Candlelight
The Nature Corner
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kjohnson
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Diane, I will be keeping you and your daughter in prayer. I think it's probably a "grass is always greener" type of thing. My 3 oldest went to school last year when I was too ill to homeschool and they realized quickly that it wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. They still blow raspberry noises when we drive by the neighborhood elementary school.
This too shall pass and in the meantime we will pray for your strength and peace. 
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In Christ,
Katherine
Wife to Doug and Mother of 6
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Erin
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kjohnson wrote:
They still blow raspberry noises when we drive by the neighborhood elementary school.
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Too funny 
Diane
My little sister (who was hsed) went through a stage at this age of wanting to go to school in the end my parents caved in and sent her for a term. She became sooo obnoxious, siblings are a pain, disrespectful to parents etc. that my father (who was anti-hsing) said she had to come home. 
It is a difficult time but ask her does she think she would be any happier in school. The reality is that she would be different to everyone anyhow, your family would have different values etc to everyone else. This would be worthwhile pointing out to her (then again I'm sure you already have  )
Hang in there sounds tough for you
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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Diane
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| Posted: Dec 06 2006 at 6:51pm | IP Logged
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Thanks so much for your prayers, your words of reassurance, and your helpful ideas. I am so thankful to know that I can come here, unload my worries, and be so supported and encouraged.
I think that my dd really just needed to release some built-up emotion, and her release fed my insecurities. It did give me a chance to stop and reflect on ways to improve our time together. I think she'd prefer more structure, so I'll work on that for the new year. And today we planned a get-together before Christmas for her hsed friends---we'll try to do that at least once a month.
She's been involved in a middle school play production during the last month, and this week basketball started. I really do not like the changes I notice in her when she's been spending more time with her friends who attend school (can you say, ATTITUDE?)....and honestly, I don't think she likes them either. I think she feels very torn, and the emotions escalate. I appreciated your advice, Janet, not to get caught up in that emotion myself and will try to follow it better.  She really is a sweet, beautiful, and pure young woman, and I would like to keep her that way. I'm so thankful to spend each day with her.
This morning she made some comment about wishing for another baby in the family. I reminded her that I would have even less time to structure her schoolwork if we had another baby (thinking of last night's discussion with her). She said, "who cares about schoolwork if I could have another brother or sister?" Words that soothed this weary mother's heart.
We'll be moving back to the US in about 6 mos, so it's really not that long before our situation will change completely. I'm praying we'll find ourselves in a supportive homeschool community, because I know that will make a huge difference for all of us.
Thanks again for caring---I don't know what I'd do without all of you.
__________________
Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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teachingmom
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Hi Diane,
I'm chiming in a bit late here, but I wanted you to know that I can sympathize completely. My oldest is 12 yrs old, and I go through the same issues every so often. In fact all my school age children would love to at least give school a try. It's extra difficult since their best friends attend school. I think each of my dd's have expressed that they intend to send their own children to school someday. That is really hard on my self-esteem. I believe so firmly in homeschooling that I wish with all my heart that all my grandchildren would be homeschooled too. And I wonder what I am doing wrong that makes my girls continue to see that grass on the other side as so much more green.
Just the other day my 12 yo was in tears asking if she could go to school. God's grace must have been with me because even though the defensive feelings rose within me, I managed to stay peaceful and ask her exactly why she thought school would be better. She said that she could focus so much better and get all her schoolwork done. She said that our house can be so distracting and it's hard to do her work when I ask her to do other things in the midst of her school day. (The way she described our house reminded me of a thread here or on the CCM list quite awhile back about a teenage boy -Cay's son, I think?- feeling like he lived in a barn. ) I felt convicted in that I tend to rely so much on her to help here and there during the day. I hadn't realized that she saw my requests as interruptions in her lessons that made her school day drag on into the afternoon. I told her that I would make a concerted effort to let her do her lessons in peace and not to interrupt her with chores or requests for help as often. I also reminded her, however, that she does have a bedroom to retreat to for peace and quiet. Her completely extraverted personality makes her want to stay in the midst of the rest of us, even when it is counterproductive to completing her assignments at times. She seemed much more at peace after we talked, so I am hopeful that her reaction was based on pre-adolescent emotions on a frustrating day during which she felt like she wasn't accomplishing anything.
Objectively, the girls see the benefits of homeschooling and in general accept our decision to homeschool. It's just that, like you, I wish they could completely embrace it for themselves.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Topic: Do your kids like being educated at home?
