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amyable
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 3:06pm | IP Logged
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Can we talk about impulsive children? I'm sure many of you have one or more of these. 
I'm lucky that my oldest (9), while impulsive, is not *too* dangerously impulsive, yet in the day to day, it is still difficult to live with her impulsiveness. When all day long you are saying, "Didn't I *just* tell you not to do that??" or (nicely, in private) "Do you think if you had thought about it first, you would have done the same thing?" ...
Are there methods of dealing with this in children? Getting them to think first, act/say later?
What about discipline? I feel like her behavior deserves some kind of consequences, but she is rarely doing something to be truly mean/disobedient... it's just that she didn't think before acting, and so did what she *wanted*, not what she should have done with a little more thought. The discipline and/or punishment I'm using doesn't seem to be making a dent, anyway! I allow a lot of do-overs, but the physical and emotional damage to her younger siblings is already done. My second oldest is especially sensitive and they find it difficult to live with each other! (In all honesty, I'm a lot like my 2nd dd, and I don't blame her!)
She comes across as if she does not care about others, but as she says, "I *do* care Mom, but I just can't seem to help myself". 
Help! I want to help her, but I don't know how.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 8:23pm | IP Logged
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giving her lots of chances and not enforcing consequences.. means that she doesn't HAVE to stop and think the first time. The consequence isn't about "making her pay" for doing something bad.. but a means to make her stop and think before acting. When there's a consistent consequence EVERY SINGLE TIME.. even if it doesn't make a lot of impact in the short term (though it does need to be somethign she wants to avoid whether she admits that or not).. the consistency should get her to think about it over time before she does it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Willa
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| Posted: Dec 06 2006 at 3:53am | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| The consequence isn't about "making her pay" for doing something bad.. but a means to make her stop and think before acting. When there's a consistent consequence EVERY SINGLE TIME.. even if it doesn't make a lot of impact in the short term (though it does need to be somethign she wants to avoid whether she admits that or not).. the consistency should get her to think about it over time before she does it. |
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I think that's very true.
It also allows the mother the privilege of being sincerely regretful that she has to impose those consequences YET again. Because usually it's no fun for the mom either especially on Time #20.
Also, if she really would LIKE to change it might work to brainstorm with her about what consequences would be effective? Having ownership of the situation might help remind her? My kids would just say "I don't know" but I've read about this method in parenting books, so I thought I'd throw it in FWIW. That's all I can think of in addition to what Jodie said!
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 06 2006 at 7:00am | IP Logged
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One book that I have read that addresses this is "Raising Your Spirited Child". My ds (6) is very impulsive and we are trying to get him to think before he acts. I can tell he feels bad when he impulsively does something wrong, his face shows that he is disappointed in himself. This makes it hard for me to discipline him so I am not very consistent. Some things have natural consequences and it's much easier. I can just say "do you see what happened because you did such and such without thinking? What can you do differently next time?"
Just an example of his impulsivity: One day last summer I was fixing dinner in the kitchen. Next to our kitchen is what we call the "sunroom". It is a room that is mostly windows and it looks out over a very steep hill in a wooded area with the river at the bottom of the hill. The windows were all open on this day as it was hot and there were screens in them. Anyway, my then 5yo went running by me. I turned around to tell him to stop running through the house (again) just in time to see him take a huge leap and go flying through the window, busting the screen out with him. It was like watching a movie in slow motion. I could hear him yell "MMMMOOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYY" as he flew through the air. My heart stopped and I ran to the window to see him roll down the hill and thankfully be stopped by a tree. When I managed to get down to him I yelled "What on earth were you thinking??!!" "I don't know" came the tearful reply. He was quite scratched up from sticks and stuff but no broken bones. I know he will never do that again. I told my husband that I'm going to have a heart attack before I'm 45 with this kid. I love him, love him, love him, but sometimes I just don't know what to do.
I have read that impulsivity is one of the symptoms of ADHD. (This doesn't mean your dd has ADHD though.) My ds has other symptoms as well so I am reading all I can to help me understand him and teach him to think before he acts. It's a long stuggle though. I'm sure God has big plans for these kids. It's just hard when they are young!
Blessings and prayers!
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
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Carole N.
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Becky,
What you said is true. God does have big plans for these children. We have an impulsive child as well (ds 11 yo). His impulsive behavior is part of a greater problem that resembles ADHD. But the labels are not important. Many of these children will outgrow these behaviors and become responsible adults.
And that is the key to raising these children. As my dh says, "We are not raising children, we are raising adults." We try to keep our eye on the goal (Heaven), love our child not matter where his impulsive leads him, let him suffer natural consequences (ie, the fall from the window is enough), and guide them lovingly along.
When they become older, it becomes harder because you feel as though you are failing as a parent!  But perservence is the key to success. Natural, consistent consequences will help you. Believe me, Amy, I know how you feel. It can be very frustrating. But with God's grace you can accomplish the task! 
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Carole ... in Wales
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Angel
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| Posted: Dec 06 2006 at 3:57pm | IP Logged
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I'm trying to figure out what to say here, since we deal with impulsive behavior all the time here, and I'm not sure I have any right to give advice! After all, my ds is 10 now and we're still having problems. But along the way I think I have learned a few things.
1. Impulsivity is a major component of ADHD. Some kids have frontal lobes that are different from others. What this means in practice (in our house at least) is that you can give a million consequences, and sometimes it only makes the behavior worse. We have tried time outs, spanking (yes, spanking), taking away priveleges, sitting... we have tried sticker charts, bribes, etc. But none of these things havbe really worked.
2. Natural consequences are another thing entirely, however, as Becky noted. At our house, if you throw a book at your sister's door because you're mad at her and make a big hole in the door, you either pay for it out of your allowance or fix the door. If you get mad and throw rocks, you a)have to leave the situation, then b)have to think of something nice to do for the person whom you have wronged. If you cut your mom's funny rubber silicone bundt pan in half with a knife because you wanted to see how if it was really that flimsy, then you pay to replace the pan out of your allowance, or you work for the money. I think there's a distinction to be made between consequences that teach and consequences that are only intended to make the offender feel bad.
3. We try to lead my son (and all the kids) through better, less impulsive ways of thinking -- after the fact, before the fact, all the time. It can take a LONG time before this process bears any fruit, but I think it's absolutely necessary. So, for instance, before we go into any public building, or over to anyone's house, etc., I *still* go over the rules for behavior with my 10 yo beforehand. After he's done something wrong, I always make a point of getting him to try to imagine how the other person feels, if he's done something to hurt people or someone's property, and then we go through ways that he might have responded differently. (And one of our favorite sayings around here is: "When someone says STOP, what should you do?" This has always seemed pretty basic to me, but apparently it is actually REALLY COMPLICATED.)
I'm not actually sure that he's getting less impulsive. I *think* he is, but I don't know if it's because of what we're doing, or just the fact that he's growing up.
One of the books I really liked was "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk."
--Angela
Mom to 3+2 
Three Plus Two
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Dec 06 2006 at 4:43pm | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
I feel like her behavior deserves some kind of consequences, but she is rarely doing something to be truly mean/disobedient... it's just that she didn't think before acting, and so did what she *wanted*, not what she should have done with a little more thought. The discipline and/or punishment I'm using doesn't seem to be making a dent, anyway!
She comes across as if she does not care about others, but as she says, "I *do* care Mom, but I just can't seem to help myself".
Help! I want to help her, but I don't know how. |
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Oh my! My eldest son is the same way. He hurts the kids' feelings. And he can't let his parents talk without saying something under his breath. It drives me to distraction.
Don't have time for more just now, but I'll think/pray on it and post more later.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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Topic: Impulsivity
