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momwise
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| Posted: Dec 01 2006 at 7:26pm | IP Logged
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If you feel comfortable about it, would you give me all of your advice? First of all, I have never been this tired!! I know it was time for me to be tested anyway...thyroid, hormones, iron, etc. now it is pretty urgent.
I am trying to find out the name of a very easy (on the stomach) iron supplement that was described to me as: "little colored balls" and is found at the health food store. Do you recommend any other supplements? I'll probably get to Vitamin Cottage tomorrow.
And... I am feeling happy to have a family member in Heaven now... and whenever I look around me, I feel so much more appreciative of the gift of life! How did you help you other dc (especially teens) adjust to the news?
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Bridget
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| Posted: Dec 01 2006 at 9:05pm | IP Logged
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Oh Gwen. No real advice, My physical recoveries have been fine accept for low iron. I just put a TBSP of black strap molasses in my tea each day. Prunes are high in iron too.
My kids are always sad at our losses and we cry together but are matter of fact about it. They love remembering the names of the lost babies in our family litany.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Christine
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| Posted: Dec 01 2006 at 9:26pm | IP Logged
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Gwen, you are in my prayers. I don't have teens, so this might not be helpful at all. When we lost our little one, my son took it very hard. He was 3, but the questions he asked and the sadness he expressed were incredible. We visit Mary Frances' grave and the children include her in their prayers after the Rosary each night. They also like to remember her in a special way on the day I delivered her (her birthday).
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Christine
Mommy to 4 girls, 5 boys, & 2 in God's care
Memories of a Catholic Wife and Mother
Pretty Lilla Rose
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 12:08am | IP Logged
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Oh Gwen, I'm so sorry for the loss.  I only had one miscarriage and my children were very young. The pregnancy was new, I was only 7 or 8 weeks along when I started to bleed. I didn't know what was happening to my body and I believe that I flushed my baby. It pains me to even think that I displayed such disrespect of a human life. Gee Christine, why'd you have to go and make me cry?  You *do* realize I'm only teasing you, right?
At the time, I told my children that we made an angel in heaven. Someone on this board, I believe, corrected me and said that humans can't make angels, but we can make saints. We named her, though I don't even know whether it *was* a her, Gabrielle. It's amazing to me how much a couple can plan and dream for a little life in such a short time.
As regards the energy level I had, it took a sudden swing for the better (I believe) just after the baby passed. When you asked about the iron supplement, are you talking about Colace?
God bless you and take you into His tender care,
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 6:30am | IP Logged
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Gwen,
One thing that comes to mind from my own experience is that it is okay to mourn this loss, and it is okay for your children to mourn it as well. Sometimes I think that when we have a miscarriage people expect us to just go on as if nothing happened. That is not true. This was a child that was a part of your family, even for a short time and even if no one really saw him or her with their eyes. So let your older dc know it is perfectly fine to feel this loss and mourn for a while. (Sometimes knowing it is normal and okay relieves some of the burden.) Also, and you may be doing this already, start including a prayer to this new little saint for your family in your daily prayer. It is so comforting and encouraging for my children (and dh and I) to know that we have a special saint praying for us! We also picture Jesus holding our perfect little baby in Heaven! Blessings and prayers for you.
Sorry I can't help with the iron. I just took Feosol which did upset my stomach but I didn't know I had other choices. One thing that helped a little is taking it at night before I went to bed.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 6:31am | IP Logged
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Gwen, I'm so so sorry about your loss.
I have suffered 5 miscarriages, all between 6 and 9 weeks, each one at home with no complications. I'm always tired for a few weeks afterwards, very tired. The worst was my last one 3 months ago, it was also the one where I bled the most. I'm not sure what supplement you are trying to find, it doesn't sound familiar with me. I always take (pregnant or not) Shaklees Basic strip with Iron. For the 2 years I've been taking these I have no longer been anemic.
My kids are only aware of 2 of our losses. It was hard on them and they still talk about those babies. I hope they always do. The other 3 they didn't know about the pregnancy. (2 of them I had just found out the day before myself!) I always waffle back and forth about telling them when I'm first pregnant. I don't have teens.
Take care of yourself. Call on your little intercessor in heaven too!
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Christine
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 10:06am | IP Logged
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Gwen,
I thought about your question a lot last night and thought back to how my mom responded to her miscarriage when I was in 9th grade. What struck me was her honesty and openness. She let us see her emotions. We saw her cry and we knew she was hurting and we wanted to comfort her. We knew how excited she had been to be blessed with another little one in her womb and how upset she was to lose the baby. We knew that if the baby was a girl, she and my dad wanted to name her Bernadette (they had not agreed on a boy's name). We also saw that my mom put complete trust in God and turned to him for support. May Mary wrap her mantle around you.
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Christine
Mommy to 4 girls, 5 boys, & 2 in God's care
Memories of a Catholic Wife and Mother
Pretty Lilla Rose
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Michaela
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 2:35pm | IP Logged
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Gwen,
I'm sorry for your family's loss.
I don't remember being tired after my micarriage, but we were sooooo busy moving from Vegas to WA that my energy level is a blur. (I'm ALWAYS tired anyway though. LOL)
We do talk about our baby in heaven. My children have always spoken up when someone asks how many children I have. I answer three (thinking there's no need to go into details with a stranger...or at that moment), and they correct me by telling the person we have four...one baby is in heaven.
Sometimes I shed tears, sometimes they ask questions about our baby....we are open & answer honestly. The effect is they know how precious life is. They know even though they couldn't see or get to hold our baby....it was a BABY not just cells.
It affected my children more than I thought it would.
They didn't cry at first and it's been over a year.
However, we went last week to buy a few things for this baby. Nicholas is my sensitive, thoughtful child. First, he asked timidly, if we have to keep the receipts.....in case something happens. Shocking at first, but I knew he was just nervous and remembering the loss of our baby. THEN, when we got home & pulled out the little clothes...he just cried & cried....the loss and now the gift coming all mixed up in emotions.
The honesty and openness to talk about this is the best thing we've done for our children. I see the good from it.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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ALmom
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 3:27pm | IP Logged
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Gwen, so so sorry about your baby. Prayers are with you all.
I have had several miscarriages - some very early and some at about 10 weeks. I typically get very, very tired to the point of barely being able to lift my head off the couch (in one the midwife wanted me to have my various blood iron levels checked just to make sure there wasn't any internal bleeding - there was no problem with my iron levels so it must have been wild hormone swings). I never had extreme bleeding but was always advised to have someone with me during the process in case there was a sudden change in weakness, etc.
The thing that I was most unprepared for the first time was the immense intensity of my emotions - I went from extreme sorrow to extreme anger and back. Looking back, I really think some of the emotion was normal grieving and some was the result of the wild hormone swings occuring after miscarriage and not completely controllable - though of course God's grace always sustains you to do what must be done for the sake of those needing your care. I would sometimes close the room door so I wouldn't shock anyone and I shredded magazine after magazine while crying and praying through it. (I know my poor, dh was really frightened until he could talk to another dad and realize that this intensity was OK and he could just hold me while I ranted and cried). Eventually there was peace - but it did help me to know that the intensity was not abnormal and that things did not just snap back to normal in a week. It takes time just as any grieving does.
I did have someone else there to help with the children when I just couldn't cope. You operate in a blur for a while and find yourself being brought to tears at odd reminders and even later at anniversary moments - but the pain does go away and peace takes it place even as you always remember and miss the child that you never held.
It really helped my dh to know that it was OK for me to grieve in my own way and in my own time. It is hard, too, because my dh was quiet about the whole thing. Looking back, I know he was being strong for me - but at the time it felt like he just was so matter of fact - why wasn't he missing our baby too? Anyways, after that it was easier knowing that my dh and I grieve differently and we can be a support to one another.
As far as helping the children - they certainly saw me cry and we talked about how much we missed the baby and listened to their concerns (they were all young, though some of ours were pre-teen with the last miscarriage). They helped with memorials, etc. Somehow, God gave me the strength to listen and let the children cry on my shoulder at times - or us cry together without going totally out of control. We really did all help one another through one of the most difficult times in our lives. But, in order to be there for the children, I did also have to have some support for me - another adult that could give me moments to myself to get all the emotions out when I knew the emotions were too intense and frightening for the dc or some quiet time in chapel where I could ask God all my whys and work through some of the grief too.
I did also get someone to help me with making sure that mine and the children's physical needs were met - house cleaned, dishes done, meals prepared, laundry ... I just did not have the energy to cope with much beyond prayer and grieving at first and my mom helped me work gradually back into this during the first week - though the grieving itself extended beyond that.
Anyone that acknowledged that we had a real reason to grieve - sympathy cards, home cooked meal, etc. were real ministers of God's love. Someone who would understand that sometimes it really did help me to talk over and over about the baby and sit in the midst of the baby clothes we had been getting ready, etc. while I cried and remembered were likewise appreciated. Having a few moments every day of real silence and time to myself were much needed - then I could be there for the children.
It was, unfortunately rare for people to acknowledge the grief, and we were confronted with the general mindset of our baby not being a baby because it was the first trimester. That created another set of hurts to deal with - and a real fear that letting go of the grief would be equivalent of forgetting the baby. Of course that isn't the case and we learned to let go and entrust our children in the capable hands of God the Father and Mary, our mother (I remember asking her to rock the babies I never got to hold). Emotions were raw and I found these very hard to deal with. Be sure to have really good meals - even if you have to get someone to plan and cook for you, etc. This was extremely hard to do in the midst of grief and yet good nutrition at that point was essential. It also helped to have someone who would listen to me talk about the baby and was not put off by the extreme emotions - so I could get this out and be emotionally supportive for the children.
Janet
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 5:30pm | IP Logged
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Oh, dear Gwen -
Miscarriage is a very difficult thing, I think. After both of mine I felt very tired and physically and emotionally depleted. My OB said that it was physiologically like giving birth, it's just that it happens at 8, or 10 or however-many weeks, not at 40 weeks. Somehow when we give birth, we are free and encouraged to rest, take it easy, stay in bed or sitting a lot, nursing the baby. When we lose a baby early on, many other people don't want to acknowledge the physical aspect of the experience. And then, on top of the physical side, there is such a deep sadness, rather than the joy that carries us through the weariness after a birth. I've even had some people act as if the whole thing was a "non-pregnancy", which is very hurtful and, on top of everything else, just increases the fatigue and discouragement.
As my wise OB also said, you've had a death in your family. Some people die when they are 80 years old, others die 8 weeks after they are conceived. Please feel free to mourn, not to hide it, even if others don't always understand. This is a healthy response and, in the longer run, allows you to heal.
I am very sorry for your loss and will hold you in prayer.
Peace,
Nancy
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Karen E.
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| Posted: Dec 02 2006 at 7:55pm | IP Logged
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Dear Gwen,
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I've had five miscarriages, at different stages, though all were in the first trimester. I had to have a d&c each time, as my body does not seem to know what to do.
I'm afraid I can't help as far as the iron. I kept taking a prenatal vitamin for awhile, and I did my best to eat well, rest and take care of myself. The experiences always wiped me out.
I had two young children to care for with three of the losses (the first two were before we had our oldest) and so, of course, on a certain level, I had to just carry on. But, our oldest (7 at the time) also understood about the loss, and so she grieved with me. And, they were young enough that I didn't have to stress too much about not schooling, and things like that.
It's definitely a huge loss, and I can second all that Janet said about the intensity of the emotion. And the grief will come in waves and stages -- there is the physical loss, and then a new stage of emotional adjustment once "that part of it" is over.
You've gotten such wonderful, compassionate advice ... I agree with all of it, and agree that those who minister with food and acknowledgements of the grief are so appreciated .... I hope someone has done that for you!
My children like knowing the names of all their brothers and sisters in heaven, and even tell others about them. We like knowing, as you said, that there are powerful prayers for us in heaven, and I can't wait to meet my big family one day.  Still, it's hard to be the one left behind, and I've tried to acknowledge that sadness in my children when they ponder a loss. We're happy for the babies, sad for us, but look forward to the day when we will all be unspeakably joyful together.
Again, I'm so sorry for you and for your family. You're in my prayers.
__________________
God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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momwise
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| Posted: Dec 03 2006 at 4:43pm | IP Logged
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I don't know how to put this any more eloquently but I am really, really appreciative and touched by your willingness to put it all out here to help me. I'm sorry for each of your losses and inspired by your strong faith and trust in God AND your common sense. I'll be including all of you in my Advent prayers.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Erin
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 1:51am | IP Logged
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momwise wrote:
| How did you help you other dc (especially teens) adjust to the news? |
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Gwen
My mum lost a baby when I was in grade 8 and I'm afraid to tell you that I grieved for that sibling for years Having a name for my little brother helped, in fact my brother and I made her call our next sibling the same name Dominic we called him. Also we, my brother and I bought a teddy bear for the baby, after we lost him and that was always his. It takes time and being able to talk about it helps. My love to your dc it is hard on everyone 
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: After a miscarriage
