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alicegunther
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| Posted: Nov 14 2006 at 7:57am | IP Logged
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Dear Friends,
I do not have time for a long post, but have been wanting to come to this forum for quite some time to mention something to all of you dear friends.
It is about my poor daughter Agnes (12)--so many of her lifelong friends have been lost this year, either to school, or relocation (far, far away), or just plain busy-ness. It seems as if seventh grade has been a real turning point for most of the friends we have always treasured. Agnes is more often than not the oldest child in the room at any homeschool gathering, often all alone or pushing little ones on the swing. So many of her cherished companions are gone, leaving a void impossible to fill.
I'm blathering, but it is such a difficult thing to see these old friends disappear just when she is becoming a young lady and needs them most. I also think it is disappointing that many families opt for school at exactly the time I see home education as most valuable, not only for their developing intellects, but for their innocence as well.
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Love, Alice
mother of seven!
      
Cottage Blessings
Brew yourself a cup of tea, and come for a visit!
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Mary G
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| Posted: Nov 14 2006 at 8:29am | IP Logged
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Alice,
This may sound trite, but maybe God is calling Agne to find new folks -- to influence new kids -- to play and bond more with her own family, maybe y'all need her to be with you more right now ....
I'm a firm believer in God's being in control of all things and that these trials turn to good later. Maybe it's important for the girls she's ifluenced to go out and influence others (like a dandelion losing it's seeds to the winds). Maybe it's important for Agnes to have long-distance friends who she can still "play" with over the internet or by phone and maybe can go visit when she's a little bigger?
It's so hard to be a mom and see your kids go through tough times (especially socially) but trust me, all things do work out (this from a mom who has moved her children from North Carolina, to Austria, to South Carolina and now to Colorado in the past 8 years!  )
I'll keep Agnes in my prayers ... and you too dear friend!
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Donna
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| Posted: Nov 14 2006 at 8:32am | IP Logged
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Alice,
When my daughter, Stevie, was in 7th grade she, too, was the oldest at all of our homeschool activities. I noticed her need for companionship and began to pray daily for a friend to be led her way.
God was faithful! He sent her a really good friend and the two began to do a science class together including weekly experiments. It was perfect. They remained friends for awhile and then went their separate ways some years later.
God knew what she needed and provided it.
I will pray for your daughter, that she will be supplied with all she needs...especially the gift of true friends.
Love, 
__________________
Donna
DH, Keven
Jason, Stevie, Marie, Jackson, Clara, and Aaron
Jacob, Sam, and Regina with God
Grandbabies Leigha and Elsie
Moments Like These
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KC in TX
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| Posted: Nov 14 2006 at 10:40am | IP Logged
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Oh, I feel for your Agnes. My oldest daughter is the opposite in that she is the youngest girl of the older group and the oldest in the younger set. In her Little Flowers group, she sits there all alone with no one to talk to. It breaks my heart.
I will pray for a friend for Agnes as I pray for my daughter.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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jdostalik
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| Posted: Nov 14 2006 at 12:52pm | IP Logged
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Alice,
It is so hard to watch our children bear the cross of loneliness. I will pray for Agnes to be able to meet some new friends very soon...
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God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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MacBeth
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| Posted: Nov 14 2006 at 12:54pm | IP Logged
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Ahem... 
Annika just reminded me that she is (a bit) the older than Agnes, and that we haven't moved, but you did...  .
Anyway, I know what you mean. The kids do drop like flies when they hit their teens, but my girls are still home. Of course, "still home" doesn't mean much when they have so many other things to keep them "busy". You know, Alice, how art and music classes keep them (and us!!) occupied.
Maybe we can arrange a special hike for older girls one nice afternoon.
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God Bless!
MacBeth in NY
Don's wife since '88; "Mom" to the Fab 4
Nature Study
MacBeth's Blog
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marihalojen
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| Posted: Nov 16 2006 at 11:00am | IP Logged
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Marianna is frequently the oldest in homeschool gatherings too. I've been of two minds today as to whether we should even bother going to our monthly meeting today. Hanging out with moms whose only children are still in diapers but call themselves homeschoolers because they don't like the people in the preschool group doesn't do much for my 6th grader.
We'll go though, there is always the possibility that another age appropriate girl may show up, we are on the web and in the papers. Once we had a family of 6 stop by while they were vacationing from England! That was pretty cool.
I feel like I'm deep sea fishing for (appropriate) friends for her most of the time.
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~Jennifer
Mother to Mariannna, age 13
The Mari Hal-O-Jen
SSR = Sailing, Snorkling, Reading
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ALmom
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| Posted: Nov 16 2006 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
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Alice - and all the other moms:
I don't have any easy answers except to say that this was what made things hard for my oldest- and the lonliness became particularly pronounced when she was 12 and 13. She never really had any homeschool friends as all those her age either went to school or if they continued homeschooling, they were involved with another co-op that we didn't feel free to join and bonded with those people and she was left out. They became involved in their own activities and our dd was excluded. The other side of it was that our family had stricter rules than many others (we have never allowed spend the nights and have found this has been a very wise decision - however, it meant that this daughter stopped being invited to anything at all).
We managed through the 4 years by allowing her to be very heavily involved in things of interest to her (music) and this kept her busy and among people, though it was sometimes exhausting for the littles and I. She never had friends really, though she worked with some others to practice and perform in chamber music. She was friendly and liked by all - but not in anyone's "in group". She was not ever invited to any social events. It was tough.
We did many different things to try and organize things for older homeschoolers, we invited, we tried anything anyone suggested or that we could think of but...it just wasn't meant to be. Sometimes I required her to join us for homeschool functions - which was mostly toddlers and early elementary, but that got to be too much for us. Basically we tried everything, and for whatever reason, this was a cross that God intended our dd to carry for her high school years.
This dd is now in college and had looked forward to being a part of something - only what she has discovered is that, because of her values, she is still the odd ball. Many people respect her, she communicates well with all types, but she does not have anyone close to her.
She learned to lean on God and remain true despite pressures during those lonely high school years. Perhaps those lonely years were the best preparation for "real life" and God formed her by it to be able to be a witness for Him in a very odd place (a secular university that thinks they are doing the kids favors by telling them how to underage drink and they hang c*** on dorm room doors). So far she has written several letters to the editor, she posted chastity information in opposition to the co***, she has written personal essays reflecting courtship model as opposed to the typical American dating scene. She seems to have intrigued several people. There are a few young men in the piano department who seem totally relieved to just be friends with a girl. She seems to be everyone's little sister - but she still does not have any really close friends and does not do a whole lot socially. This campus - social life is centered around drinking and football. She went to a couple of football games and learned the game at a beginners level - but found the cursing and obnoxious behavior of the students something she didn't really want to be associated with - plus waiting 3 + hours to get into the game and avoiding drunks on the way home just wasn't worth the time. She goes out to eat with a few people now and then and did find a group that prays the rosary together and a ride to get there so it isn't all totally bleak - but it is natural to want to find a close friend. She thought that having a bigger pool to draw from at University rather than at homeschooling would make a difference. It really hasn't.
I guess I say this because the pain is so real - and at 12 our dd are very vulnerable - but homeschooling in and of itself is not the problem. There may be solutions that help you facilitate friendships for your dd - and communicating and listening to her and her needs and making efforts to come up with solutions certainly mean something to our children. But try not to get too emotionally wrapped around it yourself, and don't think either of you is missing something if nothing comes together for her. Pray and seek God's help and for the grace to make the best of the circumstances that are part of her path. I think the hardest part for our daughter was the loss of confidence and thinking she just didn't have social skills - when, in fact, she was a very poised and wonderful young lady. She eventually regained her confidence in her leadership roles with her music. She never had close friends, but she learned to be happy in her circumstances and poured a lot of time and energy into becoming a better musician.
Looking back now, I think we can both see how the lonely high school years were simply part of God's plan for her (at least in his allowing will as He never intervened and sent a friend)and good things did come from it. I will remember your daughter in prayer as I do know this is very, very difficult for both the child and mom.
Janet
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Sarah
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Oh Alice,
This made me cry. Being lonely is so hard.
Its not the same thing, but my oldest son (10) has no one. All the hs kids within a year or so of his age are girls.
And then there's a pack of teenage boys he tried to befriend and they've been ruthless. He'll walk up to them and they'll take something of his and play keep away, poke fun, etc. He's the youngest altar server and at practice he'll sit alone at a table and no one invites him in. It has broken my heart.
We moved to an acreage this spring and he lost a couple neighbor friends which was not a bad thing in my eyes, but made him feel even lonelier.
We long for some boys to move into the group that are good nice friends.
I am so sorry and I'm glad you shared this Alice. I'll pray.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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marihalojen
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Beautifully said, Janet.
As a homeschooled high schooler myself I never had any close friends either. Homeschooling older children is pretty counter culture even within the homeschool culture itself, I'm afraid. I always hoped for a 'bosom friend,' a Diana and Anne relationship, you know. It doesn't seem to happen outside of books in my life though!
Marianna was the eldest at the meeting again, though a boy only two years younger showed and they always have a great time together. And a new homeschooler came today who just adopted her son aged 6 from Russia. So that was pretty nifty!
Alice, I agree that this is the age when homeschooling is most needed. It is very sad that this is the time when so many opt out. To preserve innocence is one of the reasons alot of the potential friendships have died a little death (at my hands, I must admit)! But just to be 'socialized' with another girl is not reason enough to deal with underage drinking and super inappropriate behavior. 6th and 7th grade is an awful time for loss of innocence and I feel it's a battle I have to fight pro-actively.
The last bit looked like Christmas between  and  so I eliminated them. Just know it makes me ill and mad as a hornet!
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~Jennifer
Mother to Mariannna, age 13
The Mari Hal-O-Jen
SSR = Sailing, Snorkling, Reading
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Erin
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Alice
I discussed Agnes problem with my dd13, Chiara is often in the same situation. This week at our group other than her little sisters, 5 and 3 she was the only girl. This is generally the case. It is understandable that she is longing for a friend but although she may not appreciate it she is very lucky to have sisters close in age. My mother always stressed to us that "friends come and go but family are always there." perhaps not something that Agnes appreciates at the moment and I understand that. I didn't it either when I was crying because I didn't have friends because like Janet's dd I never fitted in.
Here hs teens are few but for those that are here (3 children much older than my dd)they have received their friendships via email. This network of friends has come about from our yearly camps and the children keep in constant contact throughout the year via email and 'three-way chats' on the phone. Perhaps you could foster here keeping in close contact with the friends who have moved away.
It is hard watching our dc go through this.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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St. Ann
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I was just thinking the same thing as Erin.
Maybe there are some moms here with 11-14 yr old girls who would like to connect them with other girls via email.
Set up some kind of questionaire of likes and dislikes...
Something like CatholicMatch except for young girls.
It would be a beginning and then maybe with time the families could meet together on vacation and see what happens.
Just an idea.
But I really feel for your daughter. I will tell my 10yr old dd about her and ask her also to pray for her.
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Stephanie
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doris
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My dc are much younger, but going through a similar thing after a house move. I'm thinking that it might be good to go on a camp -- eg here there is a pilgrimage to Walsingham organised by the National Association of Catholic Families. That way we all have time to get to know people.
Offering prayers for you all
Elizabeth
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Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
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Margaret
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Alice,
I will pray for you and your dear Agnes.
Love,
Margaret
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Where have all the flowers gone?
