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MarilynW
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| Posted: Oct 11 2006 at 9:16pm | IP Logged
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Hi everyone
I am sitting here feeling very sad - it seems that there are so few families that get on with each other. I come from a large family where siblings do not really get on together and where despite a Catholic upbringing many of my siblings are non-practicing or not faithful to the teachings of the Church. I am an oddity for wanting to have more children, for homeschooling... for.. the list could go on and on. But it is not just my extended family - all around me I see Catholic families with little charity or peace in them.
I want my family to be different - that is one of our reasons for homeschooling. How do we make sure that our children will be best friends with each other - that when our kids are all grown up with their own families that there is a charitable attitude and closeness between them?
Please share your ideas. And if there are any of you out there with grandchildren and children that have branched out - please share how things have turned out.
It would just break my heart if my kids did not get on with each other when they are older - they are best friends now and such a joy.
Blessings
Marilyn in VA
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Bridget
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| Posted: Oct 11 2006 at 9:36pm | IP Logged
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You might think this is nutty but I think strong relationships come from the top down.
I don't have grown children yet, but I think that if the parents enjoy each other and respect each other, THAT relationship sets the tone for all the children's relationships.
Family fun, work and prayer is vital. A cheerful home is vital. But if mom and dad do not enjoy each other and prioritize their marriage, I've seen it cause a disconnect in the children that is hard to overcome.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Diane
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 2:03am | IP Logged
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Bridget wrote:
You might think this is nutty but I think strong relationships come from the top down.
I don't have grown children yet, but I think that if the parents enjoy each other and respect each other, THAT relationship sets the tone for all the children's relationships. |
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Not nutty at all, Bridget, but very insightful (as usual  ) and right on in my experience. My dh and I both come from large Catholic families. I'm the oldest of 9, and my siblings are exceptionally close, I think. My 4 sisters are my dearest friends, despite the fact that we live all over the country, um, make that world. Sadly, two of my bros have left the Faith, but we all still manage to get along, even with different worldviews. My parents had a great marriage, and they were very open about their love for each other. I say "had" because my mom died 13 yrs ago, when we kids were 9-26yo. My dad has never really recovered from that, but I think it has brought us siblings even closer.
Dh's family, otoh, has not fared so well. All of his siblings are good, kind, and loving individuals; all of them (except one) still practice the Faith; but they just cannot get along. Small disagreements easily escalate into major battles. Two of his siblings live in the same town and have not spoken to each other for a couple of years. Unimaginable for my family.
I have always wondered why, and Bridget's response seems to nail it. His parents, who are again both good, kind, and loving, have always struggled in their marriage, and they have not been discreet in this. Their has been the threat of separation several times, but they have managed to stay committed through 45 yrs of marriage. In recent yrs, their relationship has mellowed and improved, though some of the old scars and patterns emerge from time to time. Unfortunately, their lack of respect for each other in the past seems to have trickled down to their kids and affected their relationships with each other. They are actually all getting together this weekend (first time in yrs) for dh's niece's wedding, and I know they would appreciate your prayers for a harmonious and healing visit.
Your comments, Bridget, encourage me to look at ways to make my own great marriage even stronger and to be a bit more discreet in the minor disagreements we do have. And also, to work harder at making my home a more cheerful and upbeat environment. Not much would pain me more than being in my dmil's shoes, loving my dc so much and watching them not be able to get along.
Great thread, Marilyn---thanks for bringing it up! Very timely for me as my dh heads "home" for the weekend.
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Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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Erin
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Marilyn
I'm the oldest of eight and we are all close. Funnily enough my parents did not have a good marriage but the children (us) are super bonded. some of that is the result of the bad times. We stuck together, but also to answer your question of what can you do, my mum made conscious decisions to foster the bond.
'Family came first, friends come and go but family are always there.' was drilled into us. It was stressed repeatedly that our siblings were our best friends. We spent more time with our siblings than with friends, we very rarely did sleepovers, siblings were not shoved aside at birthdays etc. My very young sibilings were at my 16th. If we wanted to go off with the neighbourhooed kids we often had to take some of the younger ones. We didn't always appreciate it but we did it.
Mum bonded each older child with a younger sibling. I got two brother who are also my godchildren. I would bath them, dress them, hear prayers etc. Not to say I didn't do it with the others but I was conscious of an extra responsibility with them. You do have to be careful here as in fact I had too much responsibility. there is a balance needed.
I'm first with a brother 13months younger. then a seven year gap and the rest are all two and a half years apart. Youngest is now 14. Not all are practising however I know they all look up to me (I'm afraid they have me on a pedestal  ) and I am confident with enough prayers they will all come back to their Faith.
When dh and I married we included all my siblings and his (he has six) in our wedding with various tasks. We both see family as important. To this day dh insists on family being godparents for our dc. We are now 'recyling' practising members. 
Many of these habits I am instiling into my dc, I make sure they don't overdo the friend thing, even though their friends are great Catholic hs children. Family is still first, they have each other to play with first. One thing that annoys me with some other families is when the children exclude siblings when they get together with friends. Bedroom doors are not permitted to be closed upon siblings except at times of changing. (rule from my mum carried on) I realise that occasionally older children need to be able to do things without little ones but it is not encouraged nor permitted often. They find it a pain sometimes (as did I) but it is not a bad thing. Too much emphasis doesn't lead to close bonds. I also think it important for siblings to share bedrooms, I shared with my sister although she was 8 years younger, it was our special time. I played with her hair etc.
I remind them to be kind to one another and to look out for each other, they are not perfect but I perservere.
I have also fostered the bonds between dc and my younger siblings in particular. Because most of my siblings were still young when I married they have all lived with us for various periods of time over the years. In fact lil sis14 is with us at present. As my dd13 is only 18 months younger they are like sisters.
Its late and I ramble. Hope I'm making sense.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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JennGM
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My family can't fit into Bridget's plan...although I would agree with it. There are 7 of us, and for the most part we really get along. My 4 sisters are my best friends, really. And there is quite an age difference with some, but it doesn't matter.
My parents had a rocky marriage...they are still together, but it was really tough. But three factors that really were key to us.
My mother really stressed getting along. CHARITY was her mantra. 1 Cor. 13 was posted on a bulletin board at all times. She sang "Where Charity and Love Prevail" quite frequently. She didn't let us "work things out" but worked on having peace and reparation immediately. Fighting was stopped when she knew it was happening.
We did things together as a family unit whenever possible. We shared interests, movies, outings. When someone was on sports team, we were there to cheer them on. We ate dinner together almost regularly and we prayed together as a family. Sounds sappy, but it's the shared times that really help in later years. We homeschooled for a few years, and that was really a wonderful time.
Oh, and my mother prayed really hard for this. We all found husbands/wives that share similar goals, all practice the Faith, all open to Life...in short, share the same goals my parents had.
Life wasn't perfect, and we still have little feuds and misunderstandings and hurts...but we also try to talk it out and heal things over.
For my parents, their one joy in life now that we are grown is that we all get along. If we don't at times, they want us to work it out.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Family in Feast and Feria
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JennGM
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 8:22am | IP Logged
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Erin wrote:
I'm the oldest of eight and we are all close. Funnily enough my parents did not have a good marriage but the children (us) are super bonded. some of that is the result of the bad times. We stuck together, but also to answer your question of what can you do, my mum made conscious decisions to foster the bond.
'Family came first, friends come and go but family are always there.' was drilled into us. It was stressed repeatedly that our siblings were our best friends. We spent more time with our siblings than with friends, we very rarely did sleepovers, siblings were not shoved aside at birthdays etc. My very young sibilings were at my 16th. If we wanted to go off with the neighbourhooed kids we often had to take some of the younger ones. We didn't always appreciate it but we did it. |
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Makes sense to me, Erin! Your post reminded me of similar approaches my mother did. For all our weddings we had our sisters and brothers in our wedding party, too. Also godparents within the family, and now we choose our siblings and in-laws for godparents for our children.
I forgot something else similar to your mother's approach. Mom would always remind us that we needed to see Jesus in the other person. Simple concept, but hard to get when you're mad. 
And it was more important to get along with family members than people outside of the family. Family was first. I don't think my parents had a saying, but it was a similar approach to your mom's, Erin. Family is the one that will stick with you after your friends fade, leave or change. So make sure you get along now.
When we made friends, they usually fit with our family outings and get-togethers. Yes, I did things outside of the family, but we did tend to come back and bond with the family. So usually one friend or boyfriend would be befriended and loved by the rest of the clan.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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ladybugs
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 10:10am | IP Logged
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Marilyn,
We're trying to the same things here!
Unfortunately, as soon as I think I've learned something to help my relationship, I realize there's something else to work on!
I think apologizing in our family also helps to forge bonds...
And always expressing what the goal is even if we don't always live up to it....
I'm hoping, anyway.
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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MarilynW
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 7:05pm | IP Logged
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Hi everyone
Thanks for the posts - really encouraging stuff. I have spent so much time analysing my parents and my siblings and figuring out why things are sometimes so tough - I guess one reason is that my 5 older siblings all went away to Catholic Boarding School and were in a different country to my parents (they worked abroad where they were no schools) - they were away from 7 years old to 18. By the time my sister and I came along there were schools and we got to live at home. I had a brief stint boarding in my senior year of high school - and it was horrid. I think the "Catholic" school my brothers went to was really quite awful. In addition I never did spend time with my siblings growing up. I guess that explains a lot. My parents tried their best and did what they believed was best, but it retrospect it was not a good thing.
I loved the quotes (sorry I do not know how to quote within a message) about husband and wife setting the tone for the family. I think that is so important.
We pray pray pray for our children and we have read some great books such as "Raise Happy Children Raise Them Saints" and "Raise Happy Children through a happier marriage". It is fascinating to read about families such as the Martins, the Escrivas etc - and how their family lives were.
As though to test me today - my kids who usually get on well with each other have been irritating each other all day - so we gave up on lessons and spent time doing team building activities where they had to work with each other - puzzles, board games and clearing the dishwasher!
Thanks again for all the posts.
Marilyn
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ALmom
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Setting the tone in your own relationship with dh, prayer, time together - these are probably the main ones and despite any number of years of fighting growing up, my siblings and I are close for the most part.
I do think that you can try to help the process some by teaching the children to interact with each other - respect each others belongings, communicate their needs or dislikes, give and receive forgiveness. All this means we are around to parent them.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Peaceful loving families
