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stefoodie
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| Posted: Sept 24 2006 at 11:00am | IP Logged
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I apologize in advance for the probable lengthiness of this post.
My brother is 32. He has been living with us for a month.
When he was little he contracted asthma and had to stay home for 2 months. As a result he got behind in school and this was the start of his troubles. The teachers didn't have patience for him, and sometimes my parents lost it too because he just couldn't catch up (though I think he's very smart and talented). And then we moved to the US and my mom had to work too. By then he was 12 and that's when he needed our parents' time the most and it's also when they were busy trying to make it here. Short story, he went from school to school, public, Catholic, boarding school, special needs school, etc. until he graduated from high school, with a smoking degree -- a habit he picked up from the special needs kids (mostly ADD-diagnosed; I'm guessing a bunch of them were mis-diagnosed).
After that he went from college to college, thankfully with a great scholarship from my mom's workplace (university). He majored in Broadcasting, then Fine Arts, then Broadcasting again, going to 4 different schools. He still hasn't finished his degree; his last attempt was at a 2-year college. He's also jumped from job to job to job.
A lot of his problems stem from the fact that he is not disciplined and has very low self-esteem. But also it's that when he and my parents talk now, he wants to be treated like an adult and yet he acts like a teenager. There's this push-pull dynamic between him and my mom (my dad too but to a lesser degree). Half of the time she's wanting to push him away and get him to become independent so she leaves him to make decisions that he can't/won't make, and then at other times she treats him like a child, gets on his case, tries to impose her will on him and of course it fails.
So he can have a breather (and my parents too), we offered to have him live with us for a month or so. However, plans changed when my mom decided he needed to look for a job while he was here so he can make good use of his time. I said I didn't want to force the issue but that if he wanted to do so we will support him (this we decided without thinking long-term.)
He has a job now, from 2-10 pm at a local grocery/supercenter. I take him to work each day because he doesn't drive. Hubby or I pick him up from work each night, and sometimes he doesn't get off work 'til 11 or 12, for reasons still undetermined (he claims the other workers leave him with a bunch of work still undone). [Here I'll inject a small prayer request that we are able to deal with the stress of all this in addition to our regular commitments and homeschooling.]
My main problem right now is that two Sundays in a row I've been having difficulty getting him to attend Mass with us. My parents have let this go on for a while now because they are trying to avoid having a row with him. Their thinking is that they've done their part, they've prayed for him and continue to do so, taken him to Mass when he was younger, put him in Religious Ed. class, etc. and that it's up to him now. To some degree I agree with this. However, my thinking is that we are making a commitment to him by supporting him with our time and money. My husband and I have been coaching him on proper dress, planning, budgeting, life skills, etc. All I'm asking is that he give the Lord thanks on Sundays for all the blessings that he's received, esp. his job.
Should I be even attempting to discipline him now? Teach him about the faith? Or should I just leave it up to God and be the best example I can be? I don't want to bully him into following God's laws, and it would be a great relief to me to just let him be and let him find God/let God call him in his/His own time. But at the same time I don't know if what he needs is for us to impose rules (e.g., I'm committing to take you to work and back each day, you need to commit to me that you will attend Mass every Sunday).
Short term plans include having him take driving lessons and eventually getting his own car and hopefully apartment. Long term plans include my parents moving to Ohio (sometime next year) when my mom retires. But all this is up in the air, esp. since we don't know how long he'll want to hold on to the job.
I've been praying about this and reading the Bible for inspiration. And sometimes I feel kinda like Moses, who in some ways was a reluctant servant and made mistakes, while shepherding a bullheaded and ungrateful bunch.
I'd appreciate any thoughts/advice you might have.
Please pray that we will be blessed with wisdom on how to deal with all this. Thank you so much.
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stef
mom to five
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Cheryl
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| Posted: Sept 24 2006 at 11:12am | IP Logged
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Did you have an agreement with him when he moved in with you that he would attend Mass with you?
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Cheryl
Wife to Bob ('97)
Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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Taffy
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| Posted: Sept 24 2006 at 11:25am | IP Logged
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My thoughts...
I think, at 32, your brother has to make up his own mind about attending Mass. We have a similar situation in our family - unfortunately, his parents weren't willing to give him the push he needed. But, I digress.
I firmly believe that the best way to lead someone to God is by living out our faith. Your brother is living with you. Presumably, he's observing how you and your family live out your faith in your daily activities and home educating. He needs to take ownership over whether or not he wishes to pursue a simliar lifestyle. After all, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Sorry, I don't mean to sound trite, it just seems to be the best way of saying what I'm thinking. 
Continue to invite him to attend Mass with you. Let him know of any Church functions that you feel may interest him. Continue to pray.
FWIW, my father was always against catholicism until he was on his death bed when he asked to become Catholic. What caused him to change his mind? My father was a difficult man to get along with. My mom stuck with him through it all and lost friends over her refusal to leave him. She prayed for him and with him, especially during his last days. My father was a stubborn man, but in the end, he knew that mom's faith and love were more real than any other. I believe that's what made him finally become Catholic.
I've debated over keeping that last paragraph in. I hope it's all right to leave it there. 
It's up to God to convert hearts. Our jobs are simply to follow God's orders.
Good luck and I'll be praying...
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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Angie Mc
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On a practical note, stef, I would encourage you to get a third party involved, perhaps a priest, family counselor, and/or life coach. Ideally this person can gauge what can be expected of your brother. This person can help you to come up with an agreed upon plan that is respectful of all involved. A doable plan can help avoid misunderstandings and help us to be the real help we desire to be, as opposed to enabling bad habits through our good intentions.
You and your dh are so kind and generous. Yet, your moral obligation to brother is in many ways different from that of a parent/child or husband/wife. You are already giving so much already. I would hate to see the burden of responsibility for sorting through so many issues solely on you as well! As your friend, I want to see you and your dh and children set up for success, too.
So many of us have been in similar challenging situations with our beloved extended family. We are cheering you on and praying  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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krygerzoo
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Dear Stef, God bless you! You are SERVING GOD! What a cross you are carrying right now. Having a special needs brother can be quite a challenge. I agree that you should seek a priest/life coach to set up goals. Being a loving example really is the most important thing to do for him.
I don't believe in "no strings attached", though. Afterall, we don't receive our Lord if we have not gone to confession, etc. He IS showing responsibility by having a job! woohoo! What a great first step! I think there needs to be some checks and balances that you could get from a coach...
We will pray for you all....
In Christ, Katherine
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JodieLyn
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Patrick Madrid's book "Search and Rescue" might give you some ideas that would help with bringing him more fully into the church.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Patty LeVasseur
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Stef,
I know this can be a difficult situation. I will pray for you and your brother.
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Patty
mom to four blessings
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Leonie
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I think the idea to get a third person, outside the family, involved is good. Perhaps a priest?
I feel it may be best to continue to invite your brother to Mass, not to compel, and to continue to pray and live as an example . I think God will bless your generous efforts.
Saying a prayer!
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Sept 25 2006 at 5:34pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.
Cheryl, before he moved in, we told him that we had certain household rules that he would need to follow, and he said he understood. Going to Mass wasn't talked about specifically, but since this is one non-negotiable in our household (and he's known that since it was the same rule in our home growing up and it's only when he officially became an adult that he started defying our parents' wishes), I didn't think I'd have to. The good news is that he did attend Sunday (at the last minute we drove separately and my hubby and boys -- plus my brother -- arrived 15 minutes late and he didn't sit with us), my hubby has had a long talk with him and I think we have a clearer agreement now. And my brother does acknowledge that he's been greatly blessed, not just with the job. He joins us for family prayer most evenings, and regularly expresses his gratitude. I admit to having been a bit too impatient and frustrated with his attitude yesterday, but the situation is actually better than any of us had hoped for.
Right now the closest thing we have to a third party/coach is my dh -- he is objective and fair and has known my brother for 18 years, and this is his "specialty", even at work -- dealing with difficult people! He knows when and how to be "diplomatic", for want of a better term, so whenever I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words that fall gently on brother's ears, dh is there. Since he just moved here there isn't anyone else who knows the situation, though I plan to talk to my spiritual advisor about this soon. Maybe we can initiate an introduction as well.
Jodie, thanks for the book suggestion. Will check it out!
Thank you so much, all of you. Your words and affirmation and suggestions really do help and I wish you could be here so I can give you all a hug of appreciation. God bless!
Thanks too for your prayers! Will keep you posted.
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stef
mom to five
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Topic: Need advice about my brother
