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Sarah
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| Posted: June 10 2006 at 9:32pm | IP Logged
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This has happened to me several times now, and I'm anticipating it even more in the future. How would you handle it?
Your child signs up to play soccer/baseball/whatever and is put on a team where he knows basically no one. You know them even less because you're on the sidelines.
A few weeks later, the phone rings and its a mother of one of the kids. You've NEVER met her, you have NO IDEA who she is or who her child is. You know NOTHING about their home situation, but she's asking for your son to come over to swim, sleepover, play at their house, or go with their family to a semipro game.
I do my usual fumble, try to sound nice, and tell them I'll call them back (so I can think of an excuse NOT to have my kids go with people I've never met before).
Okay, am I weird? Would you let your child do these things? This has happened enough to me over the past few years that I just need a canned response here. I have some horror stories of things I was exposed to at houses of people that my mother did not know well. She was WAY TOO loose and my innocence was affected. Now with the internet and older teenage siblings . . .
At the risk of sounding stuck up, many of the people on their teams we have very little in common with--we're different religions, we have different ideas on clothing, our kids are educated differently (PS vs. home). You know what I mean, right? I'm not judging anyone, here.
Any thoughts?
PS- my oldest will be 10 this summer.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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Meredith
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| Posted: June 10 2006 at 9:49pm | IP Logged
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Sarah wrote:
Okay, am I weird? Would you let your child do these things? This has happened enough to me over the past few years that I just need a canned response here. I have some horror stories of things I was exposed to at houses of people that my mother did not know well. She was WAY TOO loose and my innocence was affected. Now with the internet and older teenage siblings . . .
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Sarah, your are NOT wierd and not off base here. We do not accept ANY invitations of people we havent't met the parents yet, and then sometimes we ALWAYS decline.
Remember, YOU are the parent. It may be a little painful for the child at first, but how about suggesting a playdate at your house first, or the mom over for tea/coffee/whatever. We tend to be a little more on the conservative side here personally and I know you'll get some great responses from more experienced moms, but I wanted to offer my two cents here. No one will think you are being judgmental, it's up to you to keep them protected from situations that you as the parent are not comfortable with until you have the appropriate information.
HTH!!
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Meredith
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Rebecca
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| Posted: June 10 2006 at 10:28pm | IP Logged
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Sarah,
I think you are right to be cautious. This usually happens once or twice a summer (each child) here. My oldest son was consistently being asked to go play at someone's home. The child played on my son's baseball team. The mother was known for screaming cuss words at her son when he did not field a ball to her liking and she freely admitted that CFS came to take her son one time because she was suspected of child abuse.
As you can imagine, I declined each and every invitation they offered to have my son play over their home. I felt bad for the child and thought about having him over our home but my husband and I agreed that we did not want to encourage that relationship to grow because, inevitably, if they became better friends the invitation would come up time and time again.
Maybe some might think this was uncharitable but I did not know what to do at the time, other than decline and then decline some more. I am not good in a pinch and never came up with a canned response like you mentioned. I just said that I was sorry but he could not come to play.
Other people who are not nearly as frightening as this woman have asked my son to play before we knew them very well. I usually tell my son that he and the friend can play outside for a half and hour or so while I "visit" with the mother in the yard. This seems to please the kids because they usually want to run around anyhow and yet I can keep an eye on them and know that they are not exposed to anything impure/frightening/sinful in the house.
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ShawnaB
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 1:04am | IP Logged
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I think you have some very good suggestions. I'll add a few more...although they are borrowed! 
I learned from my friend Chari that its OK to say "We don't allow our kids to do sleepovers." Wow! What a concept! I shudder when I remember the things I was exposed to at sleepeovers!! And when its a family policy, it doesn't seem like a personal judgement towards any particular family.
Before I knew my friend Tracy very well,I offered to have her boys over for a playdate while she packed her house for a move. She homeschools and lived only blocks away. We attended the same church, but since we were only acquaintances, my offer put her in one of those awkward social situations. (oops) However, she very sweetly and politely said, "Oh, I prefer my boys stay home and help...its a good learning experience. But 'we'd' all love to come over sometime soon and visit. We've been wanting to get to know your family." And she did. And we found that we are very like-minded friends and now our children do share the occasional play-date. Her response was so gracious and wise and tactful though, I shall never forget it.
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Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
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mumofsix
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 3:29am | IP Logged
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Sarah, I don't think you are being uncharitable. Your first duty in charity is to your husband and children: they are your nearest "neighbour" and you have a very specific duty within the sacrament of marriage to help them towards their eternal salvation, which over-rides your duty of charity to anyone else. You are simply being protective towards your children in a very appropriate way, which is a living form of charity towards them.
I think the best response is the "we always" or "we never" one that Shawna references. It is true and it is charitable, as it avoids making any specific judgements about individuals.
Until recently I was very prudent as regards non-Catholics or even Catholics if they were more, shall we say, liberal than me, as I knew our values differed. I was wide open to any other "faithful to the magisterium" Catholics, however, and got badly burned in 2005. One of our children really suffered, and they all were affected adversely in one way or another. The situation began with my allowing my two teenagers to "hang out" at the other house at a time when I truly did not really know this family. 
Even loyal Catholics can have untreated mental health problems which make them a risk to your children, or a very difficult and unresolved past which impacts the present (or both). You are very wise to be careful with your dear children, as I am now, with all new aquaintances, of whatever persuasion. I would now much sooner risk offending someone (though I try not to, obviously) than risk exposing any of my children to evil.
Jane.
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aussieannie
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 5:02am | IP Logged
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Sarah, good on you! Don't feel you need to question your 'gut instincts' - we live in a culture that has the afront to make us feel that should question them!
Those instinctive murmurings of the heart are in my opinion, the workings of the Holy Spirit and it is better for those mums that you don't know well, to think what they like, and you suffer a little from the effects of that, rather than try to 'patch up' the damage your children could be exposed to, that ultimately cannot be taken back and may effect them for the rest of their lives.
(This seems crazy, I know but terrible things can sometimes happen even when we DO think we know them - I have heard so many sad stories over the years.)
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aussieannie
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 5:06am | IP Logged
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shawna wrote:
| And when its a family policy, it doesn't seem like a personal judgement towards any particular family. |
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Good one Shawna!! That is our policy too! I 'turn and churn' my belly over telling people such things but it has to be done and I always think that people should be less offended personally by such a 'blanket policy' and so maybe that is the best thing to say when you are faced with these things in the future - I am not confrontational by nature and so it can feel like death to say these things but my experience is that they do understand and ...wait for it...respect you to boot!
...actually eveyone's comments are great, you are so supported in your wise decisions Sarah.
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Sarah
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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Thanks so much ladies for the responses. It truly made me feel better to know that it wasn't just me. My mother never knew the terrible things I was exposed to at other people's houses and I think it permanently affected me enough that I am a more vigilant, non-naive mother.
You said so many good things. 
Rebecca wrote:
I felt bad for the child and thought about having him over our home but my husband and I agreed that we did not want to encourage that relationship to grow because, inevitably, if they became better friends the invitation would come up time and time again.
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This is exactly how I feel. If you extend the invitation to your house, they may want to reciprocate. Some of the people aren't exactly the type that we'd like to get to know better because of their way of life, personal views, language choices, teenage brothers and the things I've heard them say at games, etc. As Rebecca encountered above, some families have a little more "baggage" that you are able to deal with without ruining your kids' innocence.
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Sarah
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 8:23am | IP Logged
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aussieannie wrote:
Those instinctive murmurings of the heart are in my opinion, the workings of the Holy Spirit and it is better for those mums that you don't know well, to think what they like, and you suffer a little from the effects of that, rather than try to 'patch up' the damage your children could be exposed to, that ultimately cannot be taken back and may effect them for the rest of their lives.
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This is great! I like to think of me suffering quiet humiliation (because you know they are thinking you are weird) RATHER than the "patch up" work with your children. Perhaps we could use this as an opportunity to offer suffering for the growth of our children. They have such a battle ahead of them in life.
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Karen E.
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| Posted: June 11 2006 at 9:54pm | IP Logged
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Sarah,
You already know that your instincts are correct, and you've received great advice -- just wanted to weigh in ... one more voice saying, "Stick to your guns." 
We also don't do sleepovers (except with cousins and some friends who are like family, and will host an occasional slumber party here with those same kids) and the blanket policies make that so much easier.
And, I also do the "invite the mom and kids over and get to know the whole family" thing when it looks like there is potential for a good friendship. If the friendship looks damaging from the start, I'd rather risk being considered a snob than put my child at risk.
I did the family-get-together thing with a new friend a couple of years ago and we quickly found that we are both extremely cautious, protective, careful moms. We ended up continuing the "family playdates" because she and I so enjoyed one another's company as well as having our kids become great friends.
I never just drop my kids off at the home of someone we don't know, or don't know well. But I'm astounded at the number of parents who are willing to do that.
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Karen E.
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Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: June 12 2006 at 8:48am | IP Logged
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We've always had a "meet the parents" policy before my children go to another's house to play. No exceptions. For a sleepover they would have to be VERY close friends.
As others have said, having a blanket policy makes it easier.
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Tina P.
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| Posted: June 12 2006 at 9:25am | IP Logged
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I agree with Theresa and Karen on the VERY close friends or family sleepover deal, but I would take it even one step further. I don't allow my kids on sleepovers at other kids' houses who have the opposite sex siblings, if that makes sense. For instance, Alex had a friend in England whose house he could not sleep at unless the friend's sister was sleeping somewhere else that night.
Just $0.02 more to add to the pot.
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Sarah
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| Posted: June 12 2006 at 3:57pm | IP Logged
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Tina P. wrote:
| I don't allow my kids on sleepovers at other kids' houses who have the opposite sex siblings, if that makes sense. |
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That does make sense and its a very good point. I would agree there.
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