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TryingMyBest
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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Hi everyone, I've been at home now for about 4 months. I'm still working a few hours a week from home so I get to chat with my co-workers over the phone or through IM but I'm starting to feel really isolated.
My moms tells me that back when she had little kids in the 1960's and 1970's all the moms were at home and they had coffee groups at each others' houses during the day. They did dinner groups at night with other couples from church or the neighborhood.
I feel like I don't even know how to make non work friends anymore. There are a few kids picked up from school at the same time as DD and while the kids play a few minutes I chat with the SAHD and other moms but then we all go on our way. And truth be told, the other families in this school are not really like us. The moms from church don't live close to us or work all of the time.
And this will sound petty but it seems like in coffee hour I spend most of the time watching my kid and the other little kids while the other moms/dads chat with each other. I've never been asked to watch the kids but I have to watch my own kid (4 years old) all of the time and if I'm the only adult there I feel like I need to keep my eye on all of them.
How do you avoid loneliness? How do you meet other like minded mothers? I think there are some homeschooling groups in the area but I'm a little nervous about them. My experience with church things is that sometimes there's a lot of gossip and judgment. Honestly at some point I just really shut down to women in a non professional setting because of some bad experiences in the past which makes this a lot harder for me.
Jenn
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LeeAnn
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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My suggestion is to invite the mom of any child your child gets along with over to your house for a coffee & playtime. Make the effort to do the inviting, rather than waiting to be invited. Or meet somewhere neutral, like a park. Most of my friends I have met by volunteering to do things at church or by getting to know them while our kids were involved in the same activity (sports or enrichment clubs/classes). You only need one good friend to not feel lonely. :) Maybe the church is full of judgmental gossipers, but maybe not. There might be a kindred spirit there just waiting for someone to be friendly to her. Looking back to when I only had little kids, it seemed a lot harder to find good friends. Now that my children are older (16, 14, 10, 7) the problem is making time to get together with all the good friends I've made.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 3:43pm | IP Logged
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When my kids were young, we moved every two years, so I certainly understand your feelings of loneliness and your wish to find some like-minded friends. My first suggestion would be to contact some groups - at church, in your community - and ask to sit in on one of their meetings/events. That way, you can find out what they do without committing to a calendar of activities. Look in several different parts of your community, and base the search on things you like to do and the types of people you like to be with.
I'd also give it time...military families (we're Navy) tend to forge friendships quickly (we have to, because of all the moves), but most other folks do not, in my experience. And by time, I mean a long time, not a few weeks. A co-op or playgroup or moms' book club that's been around for a while will likely be welcoming, but individuals might take a while to reach out with invitations and such. You might find it easier to get to know people if you come prepared with a few questions about the group and its members; that way, you have a reason to talk with people. If people don't reach out to you, perhaps you could suggest an activity at your home, or at some fun place (museum?) so that everyone needs to contact you about that event. Be patient; some people have a hard time expanding their circle of friends, even though sixth grade was a long time ago for them. 
On another note, I hope you'll reconsider your aversion to "non professional" settings. Many of the ladies in these groups are just like you, people with careers who have set them aside for a time to be home with their children. Some might work part time, like you. Some may have always been stay at home moms, but perhaps they're the people who know where to get the best deals on children's clothing or which parks have the best playgrounds. I've met market researchers, math teachers, nurses, and all sorts of other people in homeschool groups...an amazing array of people choose to stay home to raise their children!
Most of my own closest friends (and they are few) live far away from me; I have some friends at my daughter's dance studio, but we don't do much outside of dance-related activities. A lot of this, I've discovered (soul-searching is tough!), is about me, not them. I'm introverted and don't like initiating social activities, even though I enjoy going to them. I need tons of recharge time, too. It's not my friends' fault (or mine, I suppose) that I'm this way, but I know I have to really, really push myself to move a potential friendship past the hello/small talk level. The result: I don't go shopping with other women regularly, nor do we meet for coffee or anything like that. I join a church study group about once every five years. (I like them, but the investment of time and emotional energy is hard for me to sustain.) When I look back, I'm amazed at how long (years!) it took me to figure out how I work!
My final suggestion would be for you to sit down with yourself and ponder what types of friendships will sustain you as you settle into your new situation, working from home and having more time to spend with your child. From there you can think about places to find those types of friendships and decide how best to move forward.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 3:57pm | IP Logged
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I think you really do have to be willing to stick your neck out, and also experiment. When we were first homeschooling, we went to lots of homeschooler events, most of which we'd gotten wind of through our city's main homeschooling network (a sort of umbrella clearinghouse/subsidiary of our state network, which covered every conceivable group of homeschoolers in our area), and most of which weren't that fun. That first year I spent a lot of time not being talked to at various skating events. It was honestly a lot easier to figure out where I didn't fit than where I did.
It probably didn't help that we weren't Catholic -- we were Anglican, so not Protestant enough for the Protestant groups, but too Christian, ultimately, to fit comfortably into the secular unschooling group that was our other obvious alternative. It was a good two years into our homeschooling life that we began to think seriously about the Catholic Church, and that I thought, "Wait, I think there's a Catholic homeschooling group."
One of my best friends to this day was, at that time, the listmaster for our local Catholic homeschooling support group's email loop, to whom I sent a rambling email saying that I thought we were going to become Catholic, and I really thought my kids needed some Catholic friends, and I didn't know what I was asking for, but could she help me? And the rest is history, as they say.
She's about 15 years older than I am, and her kids were all grown long before any of mine started to be grown up, and we now live ten hours apart, but we chat on Facebook and via email all the time, and I thank God for her daily. She was my first real homeschooler friend, and I eventually made other friends through her.
My other strategy has always been to join the parish choir. It was how I made friends in England, and got out of the house, when my husband was all caught up in his doctoral work and I was at home with little children, feeling very much a stranger in a strange land. I did the same thing when we moved back to the States, and again when we moved to our current town. In fact, one of my closest friends and I now direct the choir together which is only notable because when we met, I don't think either of us thought we would be friends. Our personalities are very different, and we spent a lot of time in the first year of our acquaintance walking on ice around each other. I can't remember what changed that -- some moment when we were both disgruntled about something and exchanged glances and thought, "Wow, she's thinking what I'm thinking."
Obviously not everyone wants to sing in choir, but I think you could substitute just about any parish endeavor and reap similar results. Not that you make friends instantly, but doing something together with other people over time does tend to wear down whatever barriers are there.
I do think that gossip and judgment are just what you encounter in any experience with the human race -- my own workplaces and grad-school environments have been as bad in that regard as any church environment I've ever been in, and by this point I've been in a lot of church environments. People are people wherever you go. I think you just do have to risk being a part of some kind of group, on at least a trial basis -- making friends is so much a networking kind of thing, and it generally doesn't happen overnight, though sometimes it does.
I was thinking about this just today, as I was sitting in a fast-food restaurant (not my first choice of social environments) with a group of mothers from my kids' YMCA gym and swim class. We're in a small town in a rural county in North Carolina, so suffice it to say that I'm the only Catholic in this group, and though the women are really nice, we don't have that much in common, and it's kind of hard going conversationally sometimes. Today I ended up sitting at one end of the table with a new mother, whose son my son had mentioned as a "newbie" in the class. She was very chatty and friendly and interesting -- is Jewish (so I was like, where on earth do you live, because it can't be this town), teaches second grade at her Temple (I'm the First-Communion catechist in our parish, so: second grade!), has lived a lot of different places -- anyway, we had this great conversation and wound up exchanging phone numbers and emails before we left.
I had been dragging my feet about going to this after-gym-and-swim ritual at the fast-food restaurant, because I really don't enjoy it that much and only do it because socializing with these other boys from class is my son's lifeblood right now. But boy, am I glad I did go. I don't know whether this woman and I will end up being besties or anything like that, but we fell right into conversation, and our boys like each other, so I'm definitely going to initiate some kind of get-together over the holidays.
So, you never know. It's just trial and error. And serendipity, and grace.
Sally
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 5:11pm | IP Logged
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How about seeing to start a monthly homeschool group at church? Monthly may be good to start (or weekly). You could keep it very open ended at first - if you get folks interested then you could see what the group should be.
Barb
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Mareth
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 7:56pm | IP Logged
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I am enjoying this conversation as this has been something on my mind as well.
Something I don't want to repeat anymore is if I act too quickly after meeting someone and invite them over and then realize, whoa, this isn't exactly a good match friend-wise, how do I extricate myself? The pressure gets to me and so now I am pretty hesitant about new friendships.
I am friendly and like to go out but I am cautious. Maybe I put a lot of pressure on finding a perfect friend match and me being a perfect friend. I find it hard to be super social and friends with everyone. I, too, get very drained after social things (melancholic temperament kicking in). Sometimes I am in a spot in life where having/maintaining close friendships is one more thing to worry about.
Praying for you, Jenn, and thanks for starting this conversation.
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SallyT
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I know what you mean, Mareth. I'm very introverted, and too much face-time with people is very draining, so I tend to be cautious about committing to get-togethers, particularly if I already know that the conversation is going to be kind of laborious. It's worth it if the kids are my kids' friends, and the only way they're going to get to socialize is for me to socialize with the mother, but still . . . not always easy. There are women whom I really like -- I mean, they're good people, they're nice, they have nice kids, we basically agree on basic things -- whose company I can't take in huge doses, for whatever reason. There are friendships that are sustaining, and then there are acquaintances which are nice, but exhausting if you're a person who's depleted, rather than otherwise, by too much social interaction. And sometimes I have to pursue things a little before I know which way a given acquaintance is going to go.
I've occasionally distanced myself from people just by being busy, or not calling that often, or whatever. Often enough, I think the other person also feels disinclined to be best friends, so a little benign neglect of the acquaintance is probably kind of welcome on both sides. I don't want to be uncharitable, but if it's really not a good friendship match, I just won't put the effort into pursuing it that I would if it were. And again, it's my intuition that that would probably come as a relief to the other person as well. Not only does everyone not have to be my best friend, everyone probably doesn't *want* to be my best friend!
I am at a stage of valuing time at home -- trying to guard my writing time, mainly, as my kids get older and I'm able to have more of it. Of course, at the same time, having older kids means having kids who want to go out and socialize all the time . . . so I'm not nearly as isolated as I often wish I were! Hm, how green that grass looks over there . . .
Sally
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TryingMyBest
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Thanks everyone for the advice.
Follow up question - like I wrote above I feel like I often get stuck watching all of the small kids at church while the other moms and dads chat with each other. No one ever asks me to watch all of the kids but I end up doing it by default because I'm often the only adult in the play area. I'm there because I believe my 4 year old daughter needs to be supervised during coffee hour. I don't know if the other moms think their kids are in a safe place and don't need to be watched all of the time or just assume I'll watch them (even though they don't ask). I suspect it's the former and they're just naive. Maybe I'm overprotective? But coffeehour is filled with all kinds of people which is as it should be. A church should be open to anyone but, IMHO, that means that young children should be watched.
Should I say something to the other moms or to the priest?
To give an example, there is one little boy (about 2) who I have followed around coffee hour. I see him walking around and notice that his father (mom doesn't come to church) is chatting away and no one appears to be watching the little boy. And then I feel an obligation to keep an eye on him so I follow him around from a distance to make sure he's okay. I've even kept him from opening the door and walking outside by himself. I've debated saying something to the father but I don't want to be *that mom* who tells everyone else how to parent.
There are two issues here. One is a safety issue. The kids need to be watched. The second is that I'm beginning to resent everyone else. I'm feeling like I'm excluded. That I'm not interesting enough to chat with but they're perfectly fine with me watching their kids. (yes I know that sounds like a pity party - I'm probably not included in all of the chatting since I'm distracted watching my kid, not deliberately excluded.)
Some of the issues are that the moms tell the dads to watch the kids and some of the dads don't. Do the moms know that the kids aren't being watched? Should I tell the mom that her husband isn't watching the kids?
Sorry for the rambling questions.
Jenn
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SallyT
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| Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 10:27pm | IP Logged
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I have been in that position. In my case, the situation was a group of homeschoolers (including us), who had habitually met for a particular Mass weekly, and then spent time hanging out together afterwards at the church. All fine, until everyone but me joined a new apostolate that involved a long meeting right after the noon Mass. Older kids could be part of the apostolate, but younger kids were stuck with nothing to do and no lunch until the meeting was over. Generally I was the only adult hanging around outside the meeting, and I felt responsible for all those kids. And yes, I resented the other adults (and also the implied pressure that I should join this particular apostolate, but that's another story). Finally we just quit staying after Mass, because the other kids were running wild, and if something got broken or messed up, I at least didn't want my kids involved in the destruction of church property.
I did speak to the pastor about my concerns, and he moved the meeting time to before the Mass and, presumably, spoke to the other parents. These are pastoral situations, in my view. They're also liability situations, with which the pastor and/or parish staff should be concerned. Not that it always does that much good -- in our parish there are repeated appeals to parents on Sundays to supervise their smaller children at coffee hour. I have to say that this year there's not nearly so much loud little-kid traffic outside my classroom door during CCD, so maybe it's working.
In your situation, perhaps the priest could suggest a play-area rota? That is the kind of thing that goes down better if it comes from Father -- some kind of speech about how small children on church property need supervision, followed by a call to sign up on the rota to be the parent on duty during coffee hour. That would be my approach, anyway.
Sally
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JodieLyn
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If you're feeling resentment, then that's not a good time to speak to anyone. It'll come through. Perhaps these other parents have been there long enough that they're keeping a bit of an eye from a distance. We do know everyone and I will chat and let the kids run around.. but I do a periodic check on them.
If you can keep from feeling resentful, then if you catch the 2 yr old trying to go out the door.. take them back to mom or dad and let them know he was "trying to escape". Don't have an attitude about it or you'll be met with defensiveness. But it's a conversation opener.
Also you might back off from feeling and acting responsible for all the kids and see what the dynamics really are. It may be that they're used to doing a bit of redirecting as needed but with you there in the forefront, you're short circuiting that and everything is falling to you instead of multiple people.
Also, don't think that every person you meet needs to be a "be all" friend. Maybe this person will just be a good to chat with when you see each other around town person. And that's ok.
Mareth - perhaps you need to work on finding some middle ground activities.. rather than going from aquaintence to close friend activity. Maybe find somewhere you could meet rather than inviting them over for instance.
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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pumpkinmom
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TryingMyBest wrote:
To give an example, there is one little boy (about 2) who I have followed around coffee hour. I see him walking around and notice that his father (mom doesn't come to church) is chatting away and no one appears to be watching the little boy. And then I feel an obligation to keep an eye on him so I follow him around from a distance to make sure he's okay. I've even kept him from opening the door and walking outside by himself. I've debated saying something to the father but I don't want to be *that mom* who tells everyone else how to parent.
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I've been in this situation and it is all about attitude and tone of voice. I won't watch someone's kid unless asked. Unless the kid picked up a knife and start running then I would step in and take care of that. I just calmly with a smile (and sometimes a laugh) say that there little one is making an escape or is messing with something and ask if they want them to do that. If the parent takes off to get the kid then you know you aren't expected to be watching the kids. If the parents says no I don't want them doing that but doesn't move then you know they think you are the official babysitter for the event. If the parent stumbles on their response then you know that they think nothing of the kid's action but feel guilty that you said something about it or think it's know of your business. In the last case I completely ignore that parent and kid and keep my distance. 
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Loneliness & the Homeschooling Mom?
