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Courtney
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| Posted: May 17 2006 at 9:11am | IP Logged
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What kinds of consequences do you give for these behaviors? My 8yo dd lied to me this morning (first thing) and disobeyed.  Last night she asked if she could read (it was 10pm). Dh and I said no b/c of the hour (she'd been in bed since 9pm). She pleaded a little, but we made it clear she was to go back to bed and just try to go to sleep. This morning I found a flashlight and book next to her bed. When I asked her about it, she initially lied and said she'd used it during her private time yesterday at 2pm(I knew the light wasn't in her room all day like she said b/c ds had put it in the playroom at bedtime). So, she then admitted that, yes she did get it and use it after we told her to go to sleep. Her rationale was that she didn't read, she wrote.
I told her that she lied and disobeyed. She apologized. I told her I'd have to think about her consequence. I can't stand the outright lying and disobedience!!! Usually we take away a privilege but I'm thinking that's too simple. I thought about having her look up and right down the definitions of honesty and obedience.
Dd isn't usually outright disobedient, but she does try to work the deal and I see her being manipulative of her brother now and then. She does have a sweet and loving heart and I try not to let things like this really throw me. However, I want her to see the seriousness of lying and disobedience. Any suggestions?
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Courtney in Texas
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Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Victoria in AZ
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| Posted: May 17 2006 at 4:34pm | IP Logged
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You have the right idea about consequences. I have had the children write out scripture specifically about obedience and truth.
Ephesians 6:1
Proverbs 30:17
Philippians 2:14
Proverbs 1:8-9
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 11:37am | IP Logged
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It has helped me to keep a log of disobedience. The goal is to find patterns and ways to help each child figure out where they are vulnerable. For example, when my dd was 8 she was very tempted by...books and staying up late. When these two things collided, it was very difficult for her to avoid disobedience. We worked out different ways for her to get her reading time in and realized that she was a night owl who also needed a bunch of alone time.
These logs also help me to not over/underreact and feel like I'm failing as a parent. I'm HYPER senstive to certain disobediences and not diligent about others, sigh, which gives ME something to work on too.
Love,
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: May 19 2006 at 7:05am | IP Logged
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I really like the scripture ideas Victoria. Do you have any more verses related to misbehaviors you could share?
Becky
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Courtney
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| Posted: May 19 2006 at 7:17am | IP Logged
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Thanks, Victoria and Angie. I had her write sentences and she lost her cd player. We talked about it a bit as well. I like the idea of keeping a log. Thank you!
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Courtney in Texas
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Mom to Candace 10/97,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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KC in TX
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| Posted: May 19 2006 at 7:39am | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
| It has helped me to keep a log of disobedience. The goal is to find patterns and ways to help each child figure out where they are vulnerable. |
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What a great idea!! I think I'm going to have to start that. I'm like Angie, hypersensitive in some areas and not diligent enough in others. Sigh.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 19 2006 at 1:57pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
| It has helped me to keep a log of disobedience. |
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A quick clarification...I'm not walking around with a notebook and pen at the ready to write out all disobedience at every given second...Yikes! It really is something more casual and positive. The log is especially helpful when our family is going through tough times...you know, when everyone is messing up all at the same time. It also helps when Dad is away and wants to keep on top of what's going on at home.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Willa
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| Posted: May 19 2006 at 2:48pm | IP Logged
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I do a log, too, but usually only when something is already registered as a problem in my mind. For example, say I'm stressed because "everybody" seems to be tuning out my voice. So then I start recording details -- how often, what circumstances, who's involved, what's changed recently, what's going on with ME.
I try to do that BEFORE I start planning how to counteract. Sometimes the problem starts with me or is magnified by my state of mind at the time. But if it is a real problem, logging it helps me think and plan instead of reacting.
To me, it seems that a one-time unprecedented act is rather different from a habit. One of my children lied to me once when he was about 8. He told me he had done his housecleaning job when he hadn't, because he wanted a certain privilege dependent on getting the work done by a certain time.
He lost the privilege and in consequence had to spend the time very differently. We talked about it quite a bit -- not scolding and shaming, but trying to figure out strategies for preventing it from happening again. I wanted him to take it seriously, but for his own sake because of what it does to his spirit, and to his reputation and integrity.
I learned something from that too..... it is a priority for me to prevent disobedience and dishonesty from becoming a temptation too strong to resist. I had misjudged his maturity level and helped provide "a near occasion of sin". The next time, I would be more proactive in keeping the situation from coming up in the first place. St John Bosco calls it "preventive discipline" -- trying to make it as easy as possible for the child to do well. "tempering the wind to the shorn lamb". Of course I don't always know ahead of time what will prove to be a temptation but once I DO know, I am careful to be proactive, try to figure out ways the kids can do what they want legitimately (if it's not a bad thing in itself, of course), as Angie said in her post.
Anyway, I watched very carefully after that to make sure a one-time thing didn't become a habit. He has not lied since. Oh, and I made extra sure he included it in his next confession! The ultimate values clarification tool, as Elizabeth said in an article once!
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Willa
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Topic: dishonesty and disobedience
