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Maddie
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| Posted: April 30 2006 at 6:52pm | IP Logged
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I would like to know if anyone else has "guest rules".
We often host little get togethers with other hs families. I always make my children wash their hands before eating, (we live in the country with farm animals) and I make them wash upon leaving the table. I always politely request all visiting children do the same. I also do not allow food in certain areas of the house, we get ants in a heartbeat!
I insist when we go visiting that my children help pick up toys, clear the table, and in any way assist the host in cleaning up after our visit. I often suggest anyone visiting us help clean up a bit before leaving. With anywhere from 20-30 children visiting, it can be an all day job the next day if I don't ask for help.
My question is, is this being rude and petty? Some of the families who visit have been offended that I ask everyone to wash and help pick up. Is it bad host manners to make these small requests?
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Christine
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I believe it's rude for children not to pick up before leaving and I appreciate when other parents reinforce proper manners. You are doing the right thing.
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Christine
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amyable
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I think you are doing the right thing - you have extremely valid reasons for making the requests you do.
Maybe what came across as being offended really was embarrassment on the visiting parents' part for not having thought of those things in the first place?
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humanaevitae
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We also enforce our family rules even when we have guests. I really try to make sure that my requests are said kindly and not just demanded (I'm sure you do to!) After a meal I will 'remind' my children to start clearing the table,etc... I don't ask the other children to help if their parents are present as I figure that is their choice if they want to ask their children to help mine. I only ask visiting children to do something if it concerns health issues(washing hands), safety issues, or goes against general house rules (eating in inappropriate areas).
While it can be nice to have the visiting children help pick up I have also emphasized to our children that they are responsible for all the visiting children's messes. I've noticed that this cuts down on the mess as my children encourage clean up throughout the visit and it teaches them that being hosts means more responsibility. They are also more likely to clean up while visiting themselves as they don't want their friends to have to spend the next day cleaning and wishing they hadn't had friends over!
However there have been a few times when visiting that we haven't cleaned up before leaving. Sometimes we've overstayed our welcome/kids fall apart before we've noticed and left time to clean. In that case I feel like we would be more a headache than a help! Next time I definately pay more attention to my kids emotion levels!
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Maddie
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humanaevitae wrote:
While it can be nice to have the visiting children help pick up I have also emphasized to our children that they are responsible for all the visiting children's messes. I've noticed that this cuts down on the mess as my children encourage clean up throughout the visit and it teaches them that being hosts means more responsibility. They are also more likely to clean up while visiting themselves as they don't want their friends to have to spend the next day cleaning and wishing they hadn't had friends over!
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Perhaps the picking up should be done by example, not by request? I'm thinking maybe I have been too rigid in this case. As hostess, I should be willing to accept the small "inconviences" associated with entertaining. I so love having other good hs families over to visit and want to make it as pleasant as possible for my guests. It's such a fine line to walk! Some parents appreciate the reinforcement and others scoff it.
The hand washing is a must! Before we eat is a given, but after everyone eats I really need little ones to wash their grimy hands!
I'm really not that uptight about my house, I have loosened up a great deal in the last 5 years!
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Erin
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Maddie
I don't believe you are being unreasonable, the trouble is that different families have different rules.
I have a group of friends who meet regularly and it is difficult when not everyone has the same expectations. In fact what has happened is that one family has 'lowered' the expectations of the other families. No longer are we as particular with our own children about picking up.  This is not good.
humanaevitae wrote:
| While it can be nice to have the visiting children help pick up I have also emphasized to our children that they are responsible for all the visiting children's messes. |
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In our situation this would be unfair to the children, although it is often what happens. When suggestions are made about cleaning up often the mother does it. The result for this family is that their children have little respect for their belongings or others.
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Katie
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We have poople over here a lot, and that often includes kids, sometime lots of them. If we're having a sit-down meal, I usually shout "J****** kids wash your hands" and then the other Mums and Dads generally follow suit. I usually don't let guests do dishes or do more than help clear off the table unless they are house guests staying for more than a day or so.
I don't require adults to remove their shoes, though if it's terribly muddy outside most would, I think. I have mats inside the entryway that catch the worst of it.
I never request that other people's children tidy up toys, but I am always very praiseworthy if the Moms or the children do make a point of helping to tidy things up a bit. Unless I am very old friends or family, I feel generally weird asking other people's kids to tidy up or help when they are guests in my home. More often than not there is some attempt to help, so as I said
ii ususally praise that and express my appreciation.
As another poster mentioned, often tidy-up time coincides with naptime, bedtime, or a whole lot of tired and over-excited kids. The last thing those Moms need is a battle over picking up toys. If they do it, great, if not, that's fine too.
My oldest is 8, so most of my experience is with the younger set. Just another take.
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rivendellmom
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In our home after meals everyone clears their own dishes, washes them, and puts them in the drainer. We rotate who cleans the serving dishes and any pots/pans. My kids actually enforce the rule with guests. I can't tell you how many kids like it! I've had 7 year old girls say they aren't allowed to help at home! I've also had 15 year olds who have never washed anything by hand before. So far, only adults think its a wierd system, and I would never ask another adult to help. Usually everyone just sees the system in action and follows along. I also have kids clean up any toys before they leave.
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lapazfarm
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rivendellmom wrote:
| In our home after meals everyone clears their own dishes, washes them, and puts them in the drainer. We rotate who cleans the serving dishes and any pots/pans. My kids actually enforce the rule with guests. I can't tell you how many kids like it! I've had 7 year old girls say they aren't allowed to help at home! I've also had 15 year olds who have never washed anything by hand before. So far, only adults think its a wierd system, and I would never ask another adult to help. Usually everyone just sees the system in action and follows along. I also have kids clean up any toys before they leave. |
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Exactly the same rules and experiences here!
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Christine
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I was thinking about this a little more and I realized I was responding to play date situations and not a group of children coming over. When I host Little Flowers at my house, I do the following to keep things from getting out of control:
1. I ask two of the girls to clear up after the snack.
2. I occasionally ask the girls to each put five things away after the craft.
Most of the time, my children and I clean up the mess from the craft after the girls leave. I do not mind, as it gives me a chance to reflect on how things went and to thank God for the opportunity to have all these children in my house.
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ALmom
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I generally don't ask for help with clean-up but do enforce family rules like if I see a child eating in a room other than the kitchen.
That being said, I also do a few things to help keep chaos and mess down if it is a homeschool function like a play practice, or activity for older dc where lots of littles will be around or where there will be tons of dc that I would not be able to adequately supervise if they went all over the house. I make sure that I have some buckets of toys in one room downstairs for the littles to play with and then remind dc that there will be lots of young, dc coming. We generally lock upstairs br before anyone arrives so that littles don't wreck havoc (or get injured on tiny older dc toys) if they slip away. It keeps everyone downstairs where there are adults supervising and protects special items that my dc have worked hard to create and do not want messed up - while still sharing appropriate toys. Clean up is then quite easy - play food and dishes in bucket A, blocks in bucket B, duplos in bucket C and brio trains in bucket D. After everyone leaves, my dc and I tidy up in very short order and then we get the screwdriver and reopen bedroom doors. Sometimes moms and their dc help, sometimes not. I figure it all depends on the energy and emotional level of dc and sometimes it is much appreciated when everyone simply gathers their dc because the activity for olders took longer than expected and all littles are beyond the tolerance level.
I try to remember that in such large crowds (each family with 6 - 10 dc of varying ages), parents do not always see everything and if I see someone's dc putting their food on the piano or walking around the house with it, I will gently remind the dc that all food and drink stays in the kitchen or on the patio and offer to help them find a comfortable place to eat or store their food for safekeeping. I will also notify a parent if dc slips outside (I don't mind if the dc play outside, but I don't know if you saw so and so go outside) because we are near a busy street with lots of rocks, etc. and I want to make sure dc are supervised appropriately.
Janet
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Mama Moon
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I think many people feel like you. Wouldn't it be great if every guest could willingly adapt to the needs of the host.
I just have one thing I don't like about the shoes business. We always offer to take our shoes off when going into someone's home. But it is not so nice when you are without shoes and other guests (who are there at the same time, or the one's who have just been before) keep their's on....I feel as if I am cleaning the floor with my socks!!
I had a eye opening experience with my dds. At home they always help in all aspects of everyday life. I have never had to ask them to help because we did Montessori from birth so it is just natural to them, and they do more and more as they grow older.
However, when my eldest dd was about 5 she stopped helping out when we visited other people. When this went on for a time I asked her in private why she chose not to. She replied that thought that when you visited you were not allowed to clear up, as she had taken the example of kids coming to our place who did not. In order to resolve this problem, if we don't know the hosts very well, I always offer to help on behalf of the children so that they can be sure they are allowed to.
I have also noticed that when they are with kids who are not so polite, they change their behaviour too. They will argue for a toy and use a tone of voice that just doesn't happen when in our own home. I have come to understand that in their own way they are being "polite" by acting the same way as their childen's hosts (even if the result is not as I would prefer).
As they grow older, they realise that they are not expected to model this type of behaviour, but sometimes they can't help it! Although they understand it is not desireable, it is like an invitation to have an excuse to try something new out.
It just goes to show that children are examples to others (so your own children helping should be a very strong and positive image to give) and they also take examples from what they see around them (so if they do see something you don't accept, make sure you tell them!)
Blessings
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Mari
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Hi everyone,
I have this problem about behaviour (UK Spelling  !!)
There is one family that we see from time to time. They have one child who hurts mine. She normally does it when they are alone. Just in the last two times, I saw my elder dd get a huge scratch down the cheek once and I was told that the little one got a bang on the head just because she was tired and didn't want to play any more. Another mother also told me that she had seen my children being hurt by this child. The child's own mother doesn't seem to realise.
I don't know what to do. I appreciate this family but now my girls are hesitant to play with their children just in case it happens again.
What should I do? I can be really vigilant and my kids can stay within my sight when the other child is around. Otherwise, my kids could explain to the other child that they don't like this behaviour (which they say thay have already done). I would feel like a bully if I confronted the child and I really don't want to hurt the mother's feelings either. She is already over-streched with dealing with her kids.
Does anyone have a magic formula?
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ALmom
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When there is a problem such as this, we generally require our dc to play in my sight and not go into un-supervised areas. Actually this is my rule when we are with any families we do not know as well, very large crowds, or when all dc are under a certain age. My view is that all dc need a certain amount of supervision, and this is one way to make sure I provide it for my own. It is very, very tempting to degenerate into a mom gab session when it is really a children's play date.
We also try to limit the time and go when everyone will be at their best. If it is still a problem, then keeping play activities in neutral territory where children are easily seen and supervised may help (especially outdoors where there is more space - crowded conditions seem to bring out the worst in some). In one case we simply had to avoid the child for a little while until the child grew a bit (happened naturally because by natural consequences my dd no longer wanted her hair pulled and she wasn't fond of being bitten). While this may be a very normal cross in the family - and I could certainly understand this- there seemed to be no effort to supervise the child or to prevent injury to mine even after it came to the mother's attention (not through me but through it happening in front of the mom because we told our daughter quietly and privately to play where we were).
Having dc play near you is a technique we use even in our own home. When there are some difficulties getting along between siblings(especially where there is a younger prodding the older to blow up), we certainly insist on no tattling and no punching the sibling in the nose - but then what is the older to do when the younger has learned their power. By simply moving the game to where I am as soon as the younger is pulling out their tyrant behavior, the older can count on me to notice what is going on and I can correct what I actually see. The older has a way to defend themselves when patience and reason isn't working and doesn't learn to tattle while the younger learns that they must cooperate and play nicely too. They cannot just start to scream whenever they don't get their way or continually knock over a siblings carefully built castle and then when the older breaks and shoves the younger - the older is in trouble too.
It is a very useful technique in our house anyways.
Janet
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Cici
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| Posted: May 16 2006 at 7:31pm | IP Logged
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Mari wrote:
I would feel like a bully if I confronted the child and I really don't want to hurt the mother's feelings either. She is already over-streched with dealing with her kids.
Does anyone have a magic formula? |
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No magic formula .
My very good friend has a boy who is just 5 months older than than my dd 4. Whenever he comes over there is sure to be some sort of bruising/mauling of my daughter (FWIW - I used to attribute this to "boys will be boys but as my own son - admittedly only 19 months now - matures I already see a difference in attitude and respect toward others and have since dismissed this excuse for the boy). Lately it has been Power Ranger karate chops and kicks and once a chokehold. 
Did I mention that this is the son of my best friend? At first she chuckled, then she would "make him apologize" which usually resulted in a temper tantrum from him and then they left.
Finally, it happened again - maybe the chokehold that broke the camels back? - I pulled him aside and quietly spoke to him and explained that in this house we treat others....and we don't.... I got the evil glare from him, a nervous smile from my friend and he rarely comes over any more.
At first, I felt like a bully. But I have since decided (and have had to act with others) that I need to protect my child. I truly am sorry that more parents can't teach (treat their own child with) respect but in our house that's the way it is done. If their own parent won't speak up, then I have no problem voicing my concerns. Especially my children and their ages - being kicked/punched/karate chopped/pinched/"indian burned"/choked just isn't done or allowed in our house - wrestling with dad is of a completely different nature - and my children don't know how to respond to the outright violence.
Sorry to ramble. A recent sore subject with me. 
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Mari
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Mama Moon wrote:
I just have one thing I don't like about the shoes business. We always offer to take our shoes off when going into someone's home. But it is not so nice when you are without shoes and other guests (who are there at the same time, or the one's who have just been before) keep their's on....I feel as if I am cleaning the floor with my socks!!
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Oh, those nice organic cream white socks that are used as floor polishing cloths!  That is my pet hate too. There is one house we sometimes go to and even if everyone has their shoes off, including the hosts children, the host is parading round in her everyday shoes We sometimes go as a group of mothers and everyone noticed this. Since she has never cottoned on to this, from now on I'll take slippers and get my kids to take off their socks. Otherwise it is an extra job to get the stains out (shoes bring in so much muck) when we get back home. Last time I asked dd why she went outside without her shoes on
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Mari
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Thanks ALmom and Cici,
I have tried a mixture of what you suggest. The problem is that this kid does anything to get my dds to move out of adults view.....
Then I got a chance to say something to the child, but it didn't feel like confronting. My dd just came and said she'd been pushed and fallen and the other child was standing right by listening. So I just said "you know, dd doesn't like being hurt. She wants you to stop hurting her." The other child was not surprised and just said OK.
So even if this doesn't do the trick, at least I know the child has been told.
I hinted to the Mom that there had been a little incidentm but she looked annoyed and started ignoring me. Maybe us parents send off messages unconsiously that our kids pick up, the only problem with the negative messages is the kids here them loud and clear and act accordingly.
Anyway, after that time with the child dds spent 2 days getting back to normal. So I think I shall just have to avoid this family, at least when it is politely possible .
Thanks for supporting me with this problem!
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Mari, mother of 2 loving daughters aged 8 and 10
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Good Behavior
