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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: Nov 14 2011 at 3:39am | IP Logged
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in the span of 2 days last week, 2 of my long-time IRL homeschooling friends announced they had enrolled their kids in school. I floundered a bit, I admit; I tried very hard to express support for their decisions and sympathy for the circumstances that led them there. (although in one case I was screaming "WHAT?" inside my head, so I don't know how supportive that makes me.  )
is it OK to vent a little here? and maybe ask for a little advice on the, oh I don't know, etiquette involved? I want to believe it's possible to stay friends but it feels like a gap has opened up, at least in one case, and I'm just wondering, do you try to bridge that? or is it too big?
one family lives here and our kids have played together very well for years. I said "maybe we can still get the kids together," and she dribbled off in that "maybe ..." sort of way that reminded me of a bad breakup. 
the other family I'm not as worried about; they are dear friends who already live too far away to play (NY). in her case I just feel a little ... lonely, I guess. she and I shared so many of the same trenches. I know it's illogical to feel abandoned, but maybe I do, a little bit.
anybody here been there, done that? or have any advice for a flounderer?
ETA: wow, I sure am glad for all of you to ask this question of! when I think of how lonely I was when I started homeschooling and hadn't discovered this site, WOW! can't even compare! 
gosh, I feel better already ...
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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Servant2theKing
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Dear Viviane,
We have been in the same situation many times and it is never easy! We've experienced several "parting of ways" throughout more than 20 years of homeschooling and there's always a type of grieving that follows, which can be difficult, but also in surprising ways, enlightening. Such times can help us redefine our own lives, giving us renewed commitment to embrace the life God has led our family toward even more fully ~ gently, slowly replacing our sense of loss with a new sense of joy and commitment to all that He has blessed us with in the way of life He has guided us toward.
It can be helpful to liken such things to peer pressure ~ life choices, such as homeschooling (or formal schooling), ought never be based on the actions of others, but rather a prayerful decision based on God's perfect plan and will for our own individual family. It may be helpful to remember what led you and your family to embrace this way of life in the first place and ask God to renew those intentions in your heart, mind and soul.
Something that helped me accept and understand others' choices was to imagine how families we were close to must have felt when we chose to homeschool ~ certainly they experienced a similar sense of grief, loss and separation as well. It can be very painful and difficult when friends choose a different direction than we are taking, but sometimes God has a more perfect plan in allowing those separations to occur. In our case, God was often lifting us out of situations that were not always the most healthy for our own homeschooling life, helping us refocus our attentions more fully on things we needed to be doing as a family.
Some things that helped us overcome sadness over friends taking a different path were to look for ways to celebrate and strengthen our own homeschool life, as well as to pray for the families who were going in a different direction than our family was traveling. It has been our experience that God always brings new blessings our way when such times occur, especially when we remain faithful to His plan for our lives and offer such things to Him in prayer!
Praying for you and your dear family, asking God to bless you abundantly with renewed hope, trust and strength in the life God intends for your family!
Sending you much, much empathy, wrapped in many hugs and ongoing prayers!
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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MaryM
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| Posted: Nov 14 2011 at 9:55am | IP Logged
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KauaiCatholic wrote:
is it OK to vent a little here? and maybe ask for a little advice on the, oh I don't know, etiquette involved?
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I'm glad you did come here and vent - that is what we are here for. It's a very pertinent question. Many of us face this with our friends/fellow homeschoolers if are homeschooling ourselves for any length of time. I don't have time to go into our experiences right now, but will come back later.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Nov 14 2011 at 11:32am | IP Logged
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At times like this I always have to remind myself that things change... families change, needs change, circumstances change. Everyone is looking for what is best for her own family and kids. It can have that shake-you-up effect, which is hard, but I try not to take it personally.
I enjoyed reading Servant's wise words. God will provide in many joyful and unexpected ways.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Erin
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| Posted: Nov 14 2011 at 1:56pm | IP Logged
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Servant2theKing wrote:
| We have been in the same situation many times and it is never easy! We've experienced several "parting of ways" throughout more than 20 years of homeschooling and there's always a type of grieving that follows, which can be difficult, but also in surprising ways, enlightening. Such times can help us redefine our own lives, giving us renewed commitment to embrace the life God has led our family toward even more fully ~ gently, slowly replacing our sense of loss with a new sense of joy and commitment to all that He has blessed us with in the way of life He has guided us toward. |
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Servant, How beautiful, thank you  
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Erin
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: Nov 14 2011 at 7:34pm | IP Logged
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oh, such balm for my soul! I KNEW I could come here for the best support possible! thank you so much, ladies.
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Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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LLMom
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| Posted: Nov 15 2011 at 9:20am | IP Logged
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Well, I can give you a perspective from the other side. I put all 5 of my children into school this year after 16 years of homeschooling. It was an agonizing decision and I worried a lot about friendships because most of my friends homeschooled. My close friends have all been very supportive, but there is a sense in the homeschooling community (behind peoples backs, usually) that somehow you have failed or aren't a good mother is you choose to put your children in school. (not saying anyone here does this, its just something I have read about and seen)
Also, for the mom putting her children in, it can be similar to an identity crisis if she has homeschooled a long time. It is a sad and lonely place for many. Yes, it is sad for homeschooling moms to loose long time friends, but I wanted to share that it works both ways. People may be having many thoughts and feelings that others don't realize,
BTW, my 4 youngest are coming back home after Thanksgiving. . I know that homeschooling is my call, but I needed some perspective. I got the break I so needed (another post sometime) and I feel much healthier physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: Nov 15 2011 at 5:33pm | IP Logged
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Servant, I keep re-reading your post. thank you for all that wisdom!
Lisa, I'm so glad you offered that perspective. it really helps to look at it from the other side. I appreciate your insight!
this has indeed provided me an opportunity to look at what exactly was bothering me. the NY friend is easier, because our friendship was long and deep and already long-distance. in that case, I am mostly mourning having someone with whom to share ideas (especially for our dyslexic sons). it helps that she sounded at peace with the decision. I can fully support someone doing what they believe is best for their family. and if I miss them, I'll take solace here.
the local friend is a little tougher. it appears to be a decision made out of great brokenness (sp? that looks weird) and marital struggle. so I hurt for the situation, too, and am feeling incredibly guilty that I wasn't more supportive in the time leading up to this decision. so that's a separate issue, really. added to that is the logistical question I posed: how exactly do you maintain those relationships when the main component has changed? it makes me look at my own response with fresh eyes.
on the bright side, this is inspiring me to find ways to reach out to other HS families. our Christian HSing group has field trips but no ongoing support or community building. I'm trying to think of a way to do do more of that ... dunno how yet. (this mother blamed part of her decision on feeling unsupported. unfortunately, she was also getting a lot of pressure from teachers they knew socially and public-schooled friends, which makes me  and yet makes me ask, what was I doing to help? )
there's also a fear factor. for example, that local mom was the one who assured me it was OK to take 2 years to get through 1 SOTW book. she was always so mellow, always assuring me "it'll all work out in the end." and now, it appears it DIDN'T work out in the end for her. which can derail me into a panic if I let it ... or if I didn't have all the good advice here as a counterbalance.
in the meantime, I am thanking God for those relationships and praying for their new journeys, while hanging onto the lessons I learned from them.
and, of course, I am INCREDIBLY grateful for all of you here. and I am lifting all of you up in prayer, wherever you are on your own particular journey!
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Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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JodieLyn
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Viviane, I kept meaning to come here.. it's hard to lose anyone in our homeschool group for any reason.. there's so few of us. So I do understand it being hard to "lose" someone.
But I also wanted to point out that sometimes the real reason isn't the reasons given. The reasons given may just be excuses with the real reason remaining unspoken so you really can't judge the reasons by what is said. Sometimes it's a much more private issue than what people will willingly discuss.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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JodieLyn
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And don't discount sharing ideas. Just because someone isn't actively homeschooling doesn't mean that they won't talk about ideas or have ideas that would help. They may be getting new ideas from working with the public schools too. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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mamaslearning
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JodieLyn wrote:
| And don't discount sharing ideas. Just because someone isn't actively homeschooling doesn't mean that they won't talk about ideas or have ideas that would help. They may be getting new ideas from working with the public schools too. |
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I have a dear friend with similar aged children that go to our local school. I'm always asking her about what they are doing in school as a gauge on my own educational map. She also keeps me updated on parent seminars or other resources that I might not have heard of in the homeschool circles.
I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch. It's difficult when any relationship changes, but I always try to remember, Reason, Season, Or Life:
Quote:
When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. S/he has come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
S/he is there to meet a need.
Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, s/he will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes s/he dies. Sometimes s/he walks away. Sometimes s/he acts up or out and forces you to take a stand. What we must realize is that the need has been met.
When a person comes into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. S/he may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. S/he may teach you something you have never done. S/he usually gives you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. You must accept the lesson, love the person/people anyway, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
Source: Anonymous |
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: Nov 16 2011 at 2:52pm | IP Logged
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oh Lara, that is so beautiful!! and relevant to much more than this discussion. thanks for sharing that!
and Jodie, you're so right. I originally had written something like "it doesn't really matter why" but it sounded too cavalier, like I didn't care for her suffering, and I didn't have time to rewrite so I deleted. but I do understand reasons are very private and really none of my business. it's all about me in this case.
I am indeed planning on trolling for information. the friends in NY are in a Catholic school (which is funny because she and I grew up in the same church but she fell away when she married; I'm praying that this is a positive experience for the entire family  ) and her dyslexic son is going to get a lot of specialized attention. (that's the positive way of looking at it; the negative is that they insisted on putting him 2 grade levels above where she'd been teaching him so he'll essentially spend most of his time in what is no longer called "special ed" but basically is.) so. curious to see what educational techniques they provide (the specialist is full of ideas and excited to work with such an involved parent); praying there isn't a socialization stigma for a very sensitive boy.
thank you, everybody, for your input from all sides. I truly hope I haven't hurt the feelings of anyone who has made these decisions. it's just good to have somewhere to go where people understand the dynamics.
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Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: when homeschool friends stop
