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jillian
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 6:05pm | IP Logged
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Okay, so after so much soul searching I have realized that I am scared of the faith. I am scared that I won't be a good enough Catholic, that I will let God down, that I will not be happy. I know this sounds crazy right? I don't know why I feel this way but I do and it makes me so anxious. I never really learned my faith well (something I intend for my daughter to experience, I want her to know her faith well). Even in the Sunday school and Catholic schools I went to it was more like read this passage in your workbook and answer some reading comprehension. We never really learned it and understood the beautiful mystery that is our faith. I also really struggle with if I backslide into some of the more destructive habits/sin-like behavior I have that I want to give up and say I can't do this.
I want to understand the faith and understand what I believe (I have been away from the faith for awhile and don't want to be anymore). Catholicism has always registered with me. I feel the tug to go and be involved. I just for so long was able to deny what I believed and see the secular shades of gray in big things.
Sorry I just don't know where to go or what to do anymore.
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 6:20pm | IP Logged
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Sounds like Satan is really doing a number on you. Don't let him! 
NONE of us is "good enough" if you really want to get down to it. We are all called to be *saints,* but in reality we are all saints in the making. God in His infinite mercy and wisdom lets us struggle through this life, wandering away and then back again, loving us through it all. Do not question His love for you! You can *never* let Him down. He is LOVE. You are His creation, His child, His beloved. Reject those negative thoughts and be gentle on yourself. Don't kick yourself for feeling the way you do, just turn those fears over to God. Pour your heart out to Him and let His peace cover you. He accepts you as you are. He is calling you home. Don't ignore Him or let Satan trick you with his excuses and lies. So you don't know the faith? Well, pick up a book and read. Learn alongside your daughter or one step ahead of her. So you're afraid you'll slip back into an old habit? Try to set up hedges of protection around yourself (set things up in a way that make backsliding difficult. For instance, say smoking was one of these habits. Don't have cigarettes around, don't keep cash, don't go to the store without your daughter or dh.) Actively do your part, and then leave the rest to God. He's not going to leave you high and dry or lead you astray.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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jillian
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 6:22pm | IP Logged
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I'm just sitting here crying because I feel so lost. Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate them more than I can say.
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 6:41pm | IP Logged
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I meant to add that I am praying for you!!!
Keep telling yourself, "Jesus, I trust in You!" He is Mercy. Perhaps Saint Faustina's book would be a good place to start for encouragement? A couple of years ago a wonderful priest recommended everyone read it as a New Year's resolution. It is long and I've not finished, but am so glad I started.
Don't look too far in the future. All you need to know is the first step on your path. Pick one thing, one book, one good habit. Then you won't need to feel lost. You can build slowly.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 6:45pm | IP Logged
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The Catholic faith is huge!! absolutely gigantic.. people with much more time than any homeschooling mother has can spend a lifetime and still learn more.
The Catholic faith can be very small. We summarize it every Sunday.. "I believe..."
I'm a convert.. 12.5 years now.. One thing that I think helps a lot is if you partly concentrate on learning about the authority of the Church. It gives you a handhold.. lets you have a security blanket of sorts.. that we don't need to know everything ourselves.. that the Church is there to help us along, to have the answers when we don't.
Then from that point you can learn along with your daughter as Janette says.. but you can also investigate individual things as you feel a need for yourself.
A good enough Catholic is simply the one that tries again. That's really what the Sacrament of Reconciliation is all about.. a new chance. And there's no limit to how often you may go. Would God have given us such a wonderful chance to start again if He expected us to be perfect and not need it?
And don't feel like you have to dive into learning with heavy texts.. I started learning about Catholicism from children's books. They're so much simpler and give you a framwork that then the more involved texts will build on.
And I found great comfort in stories of other converts.. like the Surprised by Truth series. Not only did I pick up information easily in the story format.. but I didnt' feel near so alone in figuring it all out to read about others that have had to do the same thing.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 6:53pm | IP Logged
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Perhaps it will bring you some comfort to know that you are in good company.
Here is an excerpt from the life of St Teresa of Avila (whose feast day it is tomorrow)
------------------------------------------------
(Teresa)was convinced that she was a horrible sinner. As a teenager, she cared only about boys and clothes and flirting and rebelling -- like other teenagers throughout the ages. When she was 16, her father decided she was out of control and sent her to a convent. At first she hated it but eventually she began to enjoy it -- partly because of her growing love for God, and partly because the convent was a lot less strict than her father.
Still, when the time came for her to choose between marriage and religious life, she had a tough time making the decision. She'd watched a difficult marriage ruin her mother. On the other hand being a nun didn't seem like much fun. When she finally chose religious life, she did so because she though that it was the only safe place for someone as prone to sin as she was.
----------------------------------------------------
And as we know Teresa went on to become one of our greatest saints, a Doctor of the Church!
We ALL fall short, every day! I know I do! But stories like this one give me hope, that even I, a great sinner, may one day become as close to God as I long to be!
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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jillian
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 7:49pm | IP Logged
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Thank you. I will check out some of the books/resources listed.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 7:56pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Jillian-
We can never be good enough, not any of us - but luckily for us, Jesus fixed it up so we don't have to be.
Whenever I feel anxious or overwhelmed by all that being "Catholic" entails, I like to think of the disciples. They lived and worked with Jesus- got to talk to him face to face every day and witness his great miracles. And yet.... how many were there at the cross with him? One. ONE! Out of 12.
And yet Jesus didn't come back and say, "Well, Peter, you're no good after all. I'm taking back the keys to the kingdom, thank you very much. Next!"
No- Jesus is all about forgiveness and working with us. His mercy and grace have no limit, and he's going to pour it out whenever we ask. He's got you covered- he sees your struggles; he knows!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 7:57pm | IP Logged
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St. Therese
Quote:
| "I am but a weak and helpless child; yet it is my very weakness that makes me dare to offer myself as a victim of Your love, 0 Jesus! In earlier times only pure and spotless holocausts were acceptable to the strong and mighty God: perfect victims were needed to satisfy divine justice; but the law of love has replaced the law of fear, and love has chosen me for a holocaust, weak and imperfect creature as I am! Is this choice not worthy of love?" |
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 8:09pm | IP Logged
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jillian wrote:
| I am scared that I won't be a good enough Catholic, that I will let God down, that I will not be happy. I know this sounds crazy right? I don't know why I feel this way but I do and it makes me so anxious. |
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Jillian,
I would echo some of the encouraging and affirming words of (edited to say:) all the others! (I was cross-posting with so many wonderful thoughts!)
I'm so glad you invited a frank discussion - I wanted to encourage you not to rely too much on *feelings*. This is actually a great mercy - we need not rely on how we *feel*. You may *feel* scared of the faith, or discouraged, or not good enough, but these emotions can sometimes be misleading and can actually paralyze us. Emotions can be good (especially when they motivate us to act justly, or toward right action), but they cannot be relied upon to define a situation, nor can they be the best motivator in every situation. If emotions are left unchecked your imagination can get to work and really do a number on you...and before you know it your peace is completely gone - snuffed out.
What God asks of us is an act of the will. Blessed Mother Teresa often spoke of not *feeling* God at all. Someone very close to me had an amazing and rich faith, yet spoke of the deep void of not *feeling anything consoling* about God!! We may think that faith is a consoling, warm feeling that descends upon us and makes us feel good, confident, loved by God (and we ARE sometimes given this blessing and consolation of feeling this way)...but faith is actually choosing to act on the truths of the Catholic Church. As a Catholic, I believe. In faith, my choices are grounded in, and based on those beliefs...without needing to feel anything. Period. It is an act of the will.
I hope these thoughts don't seem in any way harsh, Jillian. I am actually quite a passionate and emotional person and must work very hard to keep my emotions and feelings balanced and in their proper perspective in order to guard peace and joy!
******* *~* *******
** Trust that God's grace and mercy are infinitely bigger than weakness. "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9 ** Seek out the sustaining and nourishing source of grace made available to us in the Most Blessed Sacrament! Sit before Him. Receive Him: body, blood, soul and divinity. You must receive Holy Communion not because you are Holy, but because you wish to become so."
St. Peter Julian Eymard
"Come to Me all you who labor and are burdened, and I will refresh you."
Matt 11:28 ** The Sacrament of Confession grants grace to overcome particular sins. Go often!
** Read the story of the Prodigal's son. Every time you fall - every.single.time - God's mercy is waiting. Go back to Confession.
** Be patient with yourself!
** Learn about the beautiful, deep, mysterious Catholic faith alongside your daughter. God mercifully meets us right where we are!
** Every time you start *feeling* discouraged, unhappy, not good enough - GUARD your thoughts, and pray, "Jesus, I trust in you." And get busy. And move on.
** GUARD PEACE AND JOY by keeping the imagination reigned in, thoughts focused in positive directions (I may have failed at *x*, thanks be to God for His mercy. I will try again!), and keeping hands, heart and mind busy and working on something good and pleasing.
** Get in the habit of calling on your guardian angel often to ask for help.
******* *~* *******
May the peace that surpasses all understanding be yours, Jillian!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 14 2011 at 9:13pm | IP Logged
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Jillian, we've all been in the place of doubt. And when your precious children are learning the truths of the Faith, it is totally normal to want to do your best for them and worry that you are not.
Father Robert Barron's new book "Catholicism" is amazing...if you're looking for a book that will help you understand the basics of the faith in a gentle and welcoming way, this is it. The simple prayer, "Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief!" is also a great consolation.
My children are now 19 and 13 and they have brought new dimensions to my own faith from the time they were very young. It is okay...and beautiful...to learn from your
daughter. Jesus Himself told us to look to children to find the way to Him. (My son even brought my mom back to the confessional after many years...wow!)
Please be gentle with yourself. If you want to rebuild your relationship with God, He will welcome you with open arms! Go to Mass, learn with your daughter, go outside and rejoice in His creation (teach your dd to skip rocks!), and take baby steps back to God. He is beyond time, so you don't need to do everything right now.
One final thought. One of the greatest homilies I ever heard was about the Lord's Prayer. If we say it honestly, every day, we are asking God for all the things we need, and He will listen and grant us the grace to find our way to Him. It's such a familiar prayer that we tend to say it without reflecting...but we should indeed so reflect.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 15 2011 at 8:24am | IP Logged
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Jillian,
I'm a convert of almost 5 years, and I know that "inadequate" feeling all too well. How come I didn't know X? What, Catholics also do Y? Another prayer that I don't have memorized? Why am I so clueless?? Why does it seem so hard?? Etc.
One day at a time. That's the only way to take it. And a piece at a time. I've found that as I've added, little by little, things like Daily Mass (easier when your youngest child is 7 -- I did not go to Daily Mass -- daily, anyway -- when my youngers were preschoolers), weekly or bi-weekly Confession, and a Holy Hour, it's been easier to "settle" into the faith. Does that make sense? What I love about Catholicism is that there are things to DO, actual concrete steps to take, on this walk towards holiness -- if there weren't, if it all depended on how faithful I *felt,* I'd implode. Letting the Mass "pray me," at 8 a.m. when I really don't feel like interacting with anyone, including God, has been the most salvific thing I've been able to do.
Saying the Angelus daily at noon (or noon-ish -- we sometimes pray it in different time zones from the one we actually live in) has also been a powerful thing in my life. I started praying it as an Anglican, and I'm convinced that that prayer was a force for my conversion. Just having to say to God, with Mary, "Be it done unto me according to Thy word," every single day, re-orients the will towards obedience.
Homeschooling has been a grace, too. We were homeschoolers before we were Catholic, and over the two years that we were coming into the Church, which is its own very long story, I educated myself alongside my children. The books I read with them nourished me. Even now, I'm reading Marigold Hunt's Saint Patrick's Summer aloud to my 7- and 9yos (the 7yo will make her First Communion this year), and though I've read it before and used it as a resource for my First Communion class at church, it still feeds and teaches me. (also, being home so that everyone can say the Angelus, in whatever time zone, before we eat lunch, is a great thing.)
And yes, the Sacrament of Reconciliation is there. Use it often. I always have to draaaaaag myself, and I always stress out about it a little -- nothing like having performance anxiety about Confession! -- but it's a means of grace, and I go even when I can't think of that much to confess (probably because I'm not trying hard enough, not because I'm so good!), to make a "Confession of Devotion," in which I ask for the grace to cultivate virtues I lack. I can't tell you how much this helps. It also helps to realize that most of us confess many of the same sins over and over -- we all have our particular besetting sins, and no matter how firm our purpose of amendment may be at the time of Confession, those sins will be back to visit us, which can feel very defeating sometimes. But every Confession is a new birth -- you get to walk out a remade person. And every time this happens, you have renewed grace and strength and will to strive against sin, as well as the hope that somebody else has really done that work for you. All you have to do is to claim it through the Sacraments.
I also recommend St. Therese and The Story of a Soul. Her Little Way is so beautiful -- again, the idea that you can DO concrete things and offer them to God as gifts of love is one of the things that really blew the top of my head open about Catholicism. I'm not that good at all the beautiful living-the-liturgical-year stuff that so many people do -- I manage appropriately-colored tablecloths (last year I scored a thrift-store purple damask dry-clean-only shower curtain that fits my kitchen table for Advent and Lent!), but that's about it. Still, those little things . . . little concrete things . . . they are something, and they are offerings, and they do make up the fabric of a life in the light of the faith.
By the way, I'm kind of laughing at myself here. I'm going to be on Colleen Carroll Campbell's Faith and Culture show on EWTN sometime in the new year, talking about homeschooling, and all of this is what I *wish* I had said when she asked me, at the taping last June, about homeschooling and the faith. Most of the segment is taken up with me blah-blah-ing on about what a homeschooling day might look like, but in the last 90 seconds she asked me, "What about the Faith?" I managed to blather that it's nice to get to go to Daily Mass, even though we don't all always go every day, but some of us go most days, and then we were out of time.
So if you should happen to see me, what I just said above is really what I wish I had had the presence of mind to say then! As it is, I think I came off looking like a person for whom the faith is a total afterthought, which now that I think about it is probably sadly an all-too-accurate representation of too many of my days . . .
But one day at a time, right? And there's Confession this afternoon . . .
__________________
Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
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