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3Giftsathome
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| Posted: Aug 30 2011 at 3:41am | IP Logged
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I wasn’t sure where to post this. I’m in a bit of a difficult situation and not sure how to handle it.
About a month ago we sold our home and moved in with my MIL so we can pay off our debt and save for a new home. My MIL works and recently got married to a pastor who lives 45 minutes away. Since she isn't home very much we are helping take care of the place. In addition, it's is a nice arrangement for me to homeschool, so I thought.
As a preschool/kindergarten teacher she struggled with the idea of her grandchildren being homeschooled. I have always stood my ground. A couple of years ago she quit asking us to send our children (now ages 6, 4, and 3) to her school. I never thought she accepted the idea; however I thought she got the point I wasn't giving in.
This past weekend, I was away with the kids at my parents and my MIL and her new husband sought the opportunity to (corner) talk to my dh about putting our two youngest in her school. My dh said he wasn't sure how much was coming from his mom since it was her new husband that did most of the talking. He offered to pay for the tuition stating how invaluable going to school would be for them. My dh thought his mom would eventually bring the subject up about not placing our children in her school, but instead of defending our decision to homeschool, he simply said I’d talk to Mary. My MIL left town before I had a chance to talk to her. She’ll be home in the next day or so. I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I don’t want to talk to her and her husband in front of the kids and I want my dh to be there so they know it’s not just my decision, that he too supports homeschooling. Furthermore I’m worried they will say something to the kids and now concerned about our living situation.
I don't expect to change their feelings on homeschooling. I just want them to respect our decision as parents.
Yours in Christ,
Mary
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Bridget
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Dear Mary, you are right that it would be best if you and your husband speak to them together. There are hundreds of good reasons to homeschool and it's easily defensible, but they may not 'hear' you until they see how well your children do in the coming years.
When you and your husband speak in private before speaking to his mother, make sure he knows that you are not angry with her and appreciate her concern for her grandchildren. He does not want to feel stuck between his wife and mother, so if you are loving towards her it will be easier for him to present a united front.
Gently and lovingly stick to your decision. It sounds like they are speaking out of love and the new husband offering to pay tuition is incredibly generous and kind. Make sure to thank them and let know you see how generous their offer is.
Homeschooling is a different world for most people. Lead them in with joy and love. I think it is one of God's greatest gifts to families!
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Aug 30 2011 at 7:17am | IP Logged
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As mentioned before, I would be sure the discussion does not happen with your children in hearing distance. I would also ask with kindness of your MIL and FIL not to go against your parenting and talk to your children about it.
I would be positive, and thank them for their love and willingness to even help, but still express that you have many many reasons for homeschooling, and that that is the option you still choose. It must have been hard for your dh to feel pitted between the two sides. It's hard to be put on the spot as he was, without you there to help him in the discussion. Sometimes our dhare overwhelmed by work and all they do throughout the day, and not being there to see the homeschooling in action all the time forget all the good points that you know off the top of your head. Like Bridget said, it'll be good if you can both talk to the In-laws together, but after getting a chance to talk it all out yourselves first, so you can be ready and on the same page with what to say to them. 
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 30 2011 at 7:34am | IP Logged
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Also, take some time to pray and ask for guidance and protection. The Holy Spirit can really inspire you to speak with love, gentleness and truth.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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KackyK
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Maybe ask them too where, what appears to be a fear of homeschooling, comes from. Maybe, especially as a pastor who I assume knows many families, they are thinking of a bad situation that they have seen involving homeschooling. Maybe they don't understand how legal it is, that was one of my parent's worries, that the state would get involved. What are their specific concerns? Maybe by answering them directly on this appoints that would be helpful?
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Bridget
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KackyK wrote:
| Maybe ask them too where, what appears to be a fear of homeschooling, comes from. Maybe, especially as a pastor who I assume knows many families, they are thinking of a bad situation that they have seen involving homeschooling. Maybe they don't understand how legal it is, that was one of my parent's worries, that the state would get involved. What are their specific concerns? Maybe by answering them directly on this appoints that would be helpful? |
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Oh that is a really good approach!
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JodieLyn
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Along with what Kacky said.. I find the fact sheets that NHERI has to be very helpful. People honestly don't know that there is real studies done that refute the presumptions of things like socialization issues that others *think* the public school does and homeschoolers don't.
I'm not thinking of using this as a confrontational issue.. but rather as a.. I know you're worried but there's information out there that should reassure you.. and here's some. You may never convince them, but having the information available, will make you feel less threatened (you could answer back, you just choose not too).. and you can gently start sharing data about homeschooling with them if they're open to that. So that they understand it even if they don't agree with it.
My ILs managed to move from homeschooling is bad to.. it's ok for you but most people shouldn't be doing it. 
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3Giftsathome
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Thank you for all your wonderful advice. I now feel more confident on how I will approach them. Giving them a chance to voice their concerns is a good idea and having the link to those facts is quite helpful. Thank you Kacky and Jodie!
I talked to my Dh to get his feelings on the situation. Just as some of you mentioned, I didn't want him to be caught in the middle. Come to find out he was upset they brought the subject up. He said he completely supports homeschooling and trusts my ability to teach the children and wants to make if very clear to them.
My MIL still hasn't come home yet and we will be talking with both of them as soon as we can. I pray for the Holy Spirit to help us through this time.
Yours in Christ,
Mary
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KC in TX
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Everyone else has chimed in with great advice. I still get this type of stuff from my inlaws. Prayers for a peaceful understanding conversation.
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guitarnan
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I'm praying for you, too. And remember, time is the great healer. I think if your MIL sees her beloved grandchildren learning and thriving, she'll come around eventually.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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MommyMahung
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Hi,
I hope what I have to say will help you. The best way to get your point across is to back it up with facts. It is difficult for people to argue with facts. You could say all you want about how you feel, but the if you have nothing to back it up, then you will be in constant turmoil. Here is a site that I found through a very quick search that lists a few facts.
http://knol.google.com/k/homeschool#Homeschooling_Statistics
Here is a link to a book that hopefully you can find at your local library, before you have this challenging conversation with your MIL and FIL.
http://www.deepershopping.com/item/brian-d-ray/worldwide-gui de-to-homeschooling-facts-and-stats/72380.html
I hope this helps you. I find that whenever my beliefs or anything I do is challenged, when I show facts, people get quiet.
God Bless,
Laura
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3Giftsathome
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| Posted: Sept 06 2011 at 2:27am | IP Logged
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 It went horribly, horribly bad. She attacked me, criticized my family, even my dogs. I cried uncontrollably for an hour after we left the room (at one point I thought I was going to pass out). I can't believe this is happening. It was so so horrible. She accused me of talking inappropriately with her several times (my Dh couldn't believe she did since I never raised my voice, attacked, or criticized her). She got in my face many times with her finger, belittling our parenting. Actually she made sure to accuse just me. My Dh kept telling her it was our decision to homeschool, but she wouldn't listen. She said she feels so adamant about it. My MIL feels academically we can handle it, but she doesn't believe we can handle them thriving socially. She believes they will just end up weird. Can she do anything about it? Could she actually force us somehow to send them to school?
May the Lord comfort and protect us...
Yours in Christ,
Mary
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KauaiCatholic
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oh Mary, I am so very sorry for what you are going through! I have no advice but I just saw this and my heart is breaking for you. I am lifting up your entire family in prayer ... may Mother Mary wrap you in her mantle of love tonight and in the days to come as you deal with this difficult situation.
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Carole N.
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I am so sorry this went so poorly. I have no advice to offer. Just remember they are your children. You and your dh have the right to choose how you will educate them. And although it may be hard after such a difficult meeting, try to appreciate their concern. And I will pray for you and your family.
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guitarnan
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I'm so sorry, Mary. It sounds to me as though your MIL has dreamed for a very long time of teaching her own grandchildren and doesn't want to give that up.
She can't force you to enroll your children in her school.
She can, of course, make your lives miserable. She can threaten to evict you or call CPS (even though they would find nothing wrong...) if you don't do things her way. This is probably the worst that could happen (since the children are so young, she can't accuse you of neglect...no one can force you to send them to non-mandatory preschool). If she does threaten to call CPS, you might wish to consider joining HSLDA so that you can refer CPS to their legal counsel and get them out of your hair.
If I were in your place I would make a contingency plan to deal with whatever the worst possible outcome might be, get resources in place to execute the plan if necessary, and then refuse to talk with your MIL about this issue again. All of this, of course, needs to be a true team effort with your husband. Otherwise your MIL and her new husband will try the divide-and-conquer approach on him again.
You are in my prayers.
PS - You don't have to follow my advice at all, of course! I tend to try to figure out what I might have to deal with it, make a plan and get on with things, because knowing what I'd do if something went wrong helps me stop worrying.
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jawgee
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Continued prayers.
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ShannonJ
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Oh, I am so sorry this went so terribly wrong. I really don't have any good advice on dealing directly with the issue.
Perhaps a wonderful hand-written letter by you highlighting the importance of the relationship between her and your children would be in order? It might give you a chance to say things in a loving way that otherwise might not be heard. Perhaps in this way you could also invite her to participate in their education in some small way. My mother loves to send magazines, go on museum trips, and do nature walks when we visit. Anyhow, suggesting something that she could participate in when things cool down might help her to see the value in home educating.
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Aagot
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I doubt that this is just about homeschooling. If she is directing all this anger at you and bringing up extraneous things like your dogs, she has a problem and i would get out of this living arrangement asap. BTDT, even down to the doggie details!
If moving is really impossible, is there any way all of you can just be out socializing the kids each and every time she comes back?
My prayers for a speedy resolution.
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Michaela
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Mary, I am so sorry to hear this!
3Giftsathome wrote:
| Can she do anything about it? Could she actually force us somehow to send them to school? |
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Legally -- Compulsory attendance age in Washington state is 8 years old. There is nothing she can do to force enrollment in any school.
However, as Nancy already mentioned, she can make your lives miserable especially because of the living arrangement. If she isn't normally so ....vocal...living under her roof may embolden her. The relationship dynamics have changed. Of course I don't know, but imagine since her son is under her roof she may believe she has the right, the authority to be more vocal in matters.
Personally, I would never discuss homeschooling with her again. Knowing that she went off on you like that, bringing up things that have NOTHING to do with homeschooling, will be the elephant in the room until another discussion occurs. Maybe it won't happen anytime soon, but now there is a heavy cloud in the air. Prepare yourself.
If God brings you to it
He will get you through it!
I pray your able to quickly save what you need to move out. Realistically, this will take a little time. I pray for your immediate need of protection & peace in this stressful situation.
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JodieLyn
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Talk to your dh and find out how he wants you to deal with this. There are some things that we have found when dealing with dh's parents it's simply much more peaceful that HE talks to his parents about it. And I refuse to discuss the topic. Sometimes if you're the spokesperson you end up under fire as "making your dh" do whatever it is.. especially from his mother. So as long as your dh will step up himself and take you out of it.. it can get better. Especially if he refuses to listen to the ugly things said about you "I'm sorry mom, when you're ready to discuss the topic and not my wife we'll talk" and then get up and walk away.
And sometimes refusing to talk about a subject is the clearest answer to give for "this is not your decision".
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Topic: Defending Homeschooling..please help
