4Real Forums: Terminal illness of a parent

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Topic: Terminal illness of a parent

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Becky J
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Joined: Nov 06 2007
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Posted: Feb 01 2011 at 11:30am \| IP Logged

Hi -- I would love to hear from those of you who have had to cope with the terminal illness of a parent, particularly in situations where you had a lot of time to prepare for it.

My mother was first diagnosed with cancer 17 years ago. The cancer was dormant for about 12 years, but it reappeared about 5 years ago. The doctors are no longer fighting it aggressively, just trying to slow down the progression of cancer throughout her body as much as possible. A week ago, she learned that the cancer had spread since her previous scan 6 months earlier. So I imagine that in 6 months from now, it will have spread further, and eventually her prognosis is going to be very limited.

I sense that we are at the point in this struggle where I need to prepare myself mentally for my mother passing away. I particularly want to feel like I have done my best to prepare her spiritually (she is not Catholic) and to make sure my relationship with her, in this life, ends on the terms I want it to end on.

I would be very grateful if there is anyone out there who would be willing to correspond with me about their own experience, preferably privately. If so, please send me a message via Private Messenger, and maybe we can then switch over to e-mail.

Thanks!

Becky J
California

Servant2theKing
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Joined: Nov 13 2005
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Posted: Feb 01 2011 at 11:47am \| IP Logged

Becky, I'm very sorry I don't have anything to offer by way of help, advice or encouragement. You and your dear mother will certainly be in our prayers. No matter what the circumstances surrounding the death of a loved one, I think there will always be grief and times when we question whether we could have done more. God has blessed me during such times with an understanding that we can only do our best, with the circumstances God has given at the time, then we must leave the rest in His Almighty, All-Merciful Hands. I have known several people whose loved ones were ill for very lengthy periods of time before their eventual passing...in each of those cases I think God allowed them to say Good-Bye gradually, day by day. Having this time together can be a grace and a blessing. I pray that it is for your entire family. May Jesus and Mary keep you all close to their Sacred and Immaculate Hearts during this tender time.

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Betsy
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Joined: July 02 2006
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Posted: Feb 01 2011 at 12:23pm \| IP Logged

I have had to deal with a similar situation when I was 25 with my Father and my MIL. Both were diagnosed with cancer before we were married a year and pregnant with our first child. It was a crazy time. We also lived 6 hours away from each of them (in opposite directions) so we spend a lot of time away from home.

One of the hardest things for me was not being able to help as the end grew near for both (and selfishly that no one on either side cared that I was pregnant!) For my Father this was not as much of a problem, because he was so young (50) and my Mother was able to do most things. On the flip side, my dh's family was very nasty to us about this issue. Dh's father was working full time and dh's sister was left to care for my MIL full time. They did hire someone as well, but it was well known that my dh was expected to be there every weekend. We were also harassed for him to take leave from work to care for her. Our hearts broke over this extra stress, which we felt was needless.

I don't know if any of my experiences help, but if I had one piece of advice it would be to have your mother make as many plans for her funeral, what she wants to give family from her possessions, ect. while she can. With dh's family this was also a HUGE issue, that we got thrown under the bus with as well.

PM me if you have more questions.

LucyP
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Joined: Aug 05 2007
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Posted: Feb 02 2011 at 8:39am \| IP Logged

My experience is from my grandparents (whom I adored) and my fil dying, from terminal illnesses. I will be praying for you, knowing how hard that was and unable at this time to even begin to think seriously about losing my own parents. The only bit of advice I have from experience is to allow time to just be with the person, with no expectations, allowing them to talk about their fears and not necessarily trying to "fix" it. Some of my best conversations with our loved ones were when they started to share their dread and fear, and we were able to have deep spiritual moments together. It was very hard for me, as the looker on, to see those deep emotions but one of my greatest comforts is knowing we had those difficult conversations about death and the afterlife.

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