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Michaela
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Lets say there is a person very high in the family category  (don't want to specifically say her title, but it will be clear) who deserves respect, love....all the above.
Well, we haven't been speaking since just before Thanksgiving. It's actually shocking because I don't know what I did, but it's been brewing for a while....especially since Anthony was born. (She didn't even visit me in the hospital) Well, the slap in the face to my invite for Thanksgiving sent me downhill into a depression...a bad one. I was heading there any way, but she kicked me over the edge while I was hanging on with one finger. If it wasn't for my husband, we wouldn't have had Thanksgiving because I literally spent the entire week crying. He cooked everything....God bless him. 
This person is VERY VERY prideful. Her 5yo grandson didn't say he loved her when getting off the phone and she hasn't spoken to the family in 15 years waiting for an apology. That's just ONE example of hundreds. She has told me it's all about her pride. Like she would never say hello to someone first....they must say it to her. Once, she actually started crying DURING MASS and handed my son a birthday card because I wasn't having a birthday party but instead taking him to the fair. She made a grand exit during the consecration. That's who she is and I can't change it.
Soooo, I really do forgive how I've been treated since moving back here. It hurts, but I forgive what happened over Thanksgiving, BUT does that mean I have to swallow my hurt and make the begging for forgiveness call since I'm the Christian? Apparently she can drop me like a hot potato  . Not that she isn't stewing over something, but it's so shocking that this is coming from her.
This morning I was listening to Mother Angelica talk about forgiveness and how Christ forgave sins even when people didn't ask for it. I get that....but the person lowered through the roof to Jesus came to Jesus....I don't see Jesus chasing anyone who wanted him to get on his knees.
Honestly, I can't live like this forever. Slaps in the face and smile. I do turn the other cheek, BUT it wears on me and my attitude towards my immediate family (venting on them...grumpy...sad) is bad. I don't get how to respond when combined with my depression it sends me overboard...downward.
Does Jesus really want us to be what I feel is a punching bags to show we are Christians? Turning our back to who hurts us isn't Christlike.
I'm going to put my little one down for a nap...no time to edit errors. I've rattled on, but I would love your advice. I could talk to my priest, but he is sooo busy. He isn't feeling well either.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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hylabrook1
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Michaela
It sounds as if this person has deep problems herself. It isn't you at all. Balanced people do not act this way.
There is a huge difference between forgiving someone and allowing them to continue to abuse you. It is not unChristian of you to keep yourself out of the line of fire. Especially when the effects of this kind of treatment are so painful to you (which is normal), you need to care for yourself and your family by finding a place where you can honor this relative without being available to be beaten up by her.
I would really encourage you to lay all of this out to your confessor or to a Catholic therapist. Are you in therapy for your depression?
You are in my prayers.
Peace,
Nancy
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Michaela
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Thank you for responding, Nancy. Tears of thankfulness...
Yes, I am saw a counselor. That horrid Thanksgiving week, I couldn't stop crying during my regular physical appt, I was sent directly to talk to a counselor.
That's a part of the hurt...I was so low and she stopped talking to me. Thinking about herself. She has no idea what has happened to me. Now, I'm supposed to just beg for forgiveness when I didn't do anything to her.
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Michaela
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JaysFamily
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Michaela, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!
I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
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Jaysfamily
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guitarnan
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It's a great book. I have used it.
I have a thought for you, Michaela. Your depression is a health condition. You are in treatment for it. Say, for example, your health condition was not depression, but diabetes. Would you be caring well for yourself if you went out and ate 200 marshmallow Peeps? Of course not.
Similarly, you don't need to aggravate the condition you do have by deliberately exposing yourself to depression triggers.
I know you will have to work with your dh and extended family to figure out boundaries and stick with them, but there is nothing wrong with caring for your own well-being. Your family needs you and wants you to be healthy.
Setting boundaries is hard, but it works. It takes time (sometimes a LOT of time) and sometimes requires explanations. ("I'm not able to discuss this topic with you right now; dh and I have already decided that this is how we're going to celebrate Child X's birthday, and we're going ahead with our plans.") Then, the reaction belongs solely to the other person and she's responsible for it.
I am praying for you with TONS of empathy!
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MaryM
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Tagging on to Nancy's helpful thoughts. I agree setting boundaries is important. Setting boundaries does not mean turning one's back on someone. Being respectful and loving someone doesn't mean letting them hurt us. We can still be respectful and have boundaries. I hope Angie chimes in, too - she is so good and objective on this topic.
No you shouldn't beg for forgiveness. If there is something to be sorry for, then by all means offer that, but you can't be responsible for her change of heart/attitude to accepting that or needing more. You can on your part forgive her in your heart for the pain she has caused to help with your healing and letting go of the pain.
Praying for you and offering .
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Angie Mc
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I'm sorry for your hurt, dear . The ladies here have shared helpful options from the heart. In addition to what has already been said, I'll add...
Your primary responsibility toward others outside of your dh and dc is to pray for them. Offer up past and present suffering you feel in connection to this strained relationship, for the salvation of the other's soul. Prayer and trust in the Lord's perfect will is your main spiritual path to healing pain in your strained relationship.
Praise God that your primary responsibilities are rightfully to your dh and dc. Do what you need to do to make sure that no other person undermines your vocation. Next time you are tempted to cry because of someone other than your dh or dc, give yourself a limited time/space to do so. Cry in your pillow for 10 minutes if you must...but then **do what is right for your dh and dc and yourself.** Over time, this will be the MAIN behavioral way that you break the unhealthy habits/emotions that bind you to the past and/or current entanglements.
I don't doubt for a second that you have forgiven and will continue to forgive 70 X 7 times! Continue to forgive! Yet, forgiving can often be a one-way street. I can forgive, but I can't force someone to see that they need my forgiveness...or I can ask for forgiveness but I can't force someone to forgive me. I'm very grateful that I can forgive and ask for forgiveness, but that can only go so far to repair or make anew a relationship. Healthy relationships are able to use forgiveness as one tool toward making full mutual amends. Amends move beyond asking for and giving forgiveness to expending time, energy and money to make things right, fix what is broken, pay due costs, give gifts, offer sacrifices, change ways.
We can honor a loved one in many ways that are healthy and truly loving. These ways may look different from what we would like or what we expected, but we can trust that God wants the salvation of all of our souls and that, somehow, our suffering is purposeful and HE will make straight our path.
Be patient and gentle with yourself, Michaela. May God bless you for your desire to do right before the eyes of God .
Love,
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Chris V
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What tremendously wise women are here to help  , and I simply couldn't agree more with the notion that it is not unChristian of you to set healthy boundaries for yourself, taking good care to place before you your own balance of matters, rather than hers above yours. You are truly following the footstep of Christ in your kindness toward her, your forgiveness of her, and your deep care for a relationship in which (it seems) unspeakably pains you.
Praying for you, Michaela!
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lapazfarm
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Once when I was having trouble forgiving a woman who had hurt me deeply, a wise priest said to me:
"Forgiveness means only that you wish her no ill will. It doesn't mean you have to invite her for dinner or be her best friend. You have forgiven her. Now let her go."
Sounds to me like this relative of yours has serious problems of her own, way beyond your capacity to help. Like Angie said, your responsibility is to your dh and dc. You have forgiven her. Now let her go.
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Erin
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I'd really second this, immensely helpful!! Bottom line; you, your dh and your dc's needs come first, if another's behaviour is adversely affecting you to the degree that you can't function in those roles you have to set really healthy boundaries. We can't change the behaviour of others only how we react. I've had weeks like your Thanksgiving week boundaries make a HUGE difference.
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kingvozzo
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lapazfarm wrote:
"Forgiveness means only that you wish her no ill will. It doesn't mean you have to invite her for dinner or be her best friend. You have forgiven her. Now let her go."
Sounds to me like this relative of yours has serious problems of her own, way beyond your capacity to help. Like Angie said, your responsibility is to your dh and dc. You have forgiven her. Now let her go. |
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Yes, yes, yes! This is so true!
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CatholicMommy
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kingvozzo wrote:
lapazfarm wrote:
"Forgiveness means only that you wish her no ill will. It doesn't mean you have to invite her for dinner or be her best friend. You have forgiven her. Now let her go."
Sounds to me like this relative of yours has serious problems of her own, way beyond your capacity to help. Like Angie said, your responsibility is to your dh and dc. You have forgiven her. Now let her go. |
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Yes, yes, yes! This is so true! |
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Total agreement here as well!
(this may have been said, but it bears repeating and different words may give another insight into the concept) I would also add that is absolutely *not* Christian to allow someone to wallow in their sin.
It's like asking a child who is a chronic lie "Did you break the lamp?" You're setting him up for failure. Instead, you change the situation so that only the truth can be revealed.
In your situation, I would spend lots of time in prayer, then set those firm boundaries and remember that your duty is to your family *first*. You can forgive by not holding any malice in your heart, and I myself might send a little card with a *very* brief message "I am sorry there is something disturbing you right now. I will pray for you." Something like that.
There is a time for confrontation, and there are times for other quieter ways of exposing a person to their own sins (in my family, it meant less extended family time and on my terms - without malice, it's just the time that we had/have - they got it). Jesus did/does not allow us to continue to sin (we choose it for ourselves). He forgives freely, but we have to come to Him to receive it.
Natural consequences work well for both children and adults. Natural consequence in my extended family to sarcastic comments, undermining authority, and the like, is less time with my part of the family, under very controlled circumstances. Now we've come to a point where I can lighten up again - but as soon as those old attitudes appear, we suddenly only have a short time left for our visit because I need to get home for something work-related (they can't argue with that).
Another book that is quite interesting is called something like "Codependent No More" - I've not read it in years, but it gave me lots of food for thought when I did read it.
We'll be praying for you!
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Anne McD
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Hi Michela,
I only have a minute, and I haven't read what everyone else wrote, but I wanted to share something I heard. There was a priest talking about this on EWTN a few months back, and I found it facinating. Please forgive me if I mess this up--I'm paraphrasing and from memory.
He explained that in Jesus' time, when someone struck another person, it was always with the back of the right hand. You hit with the right, and the inside part of the hand was considered unclean. If you were to turn the other cheek to them, you aren't offering the other cheek to be hit-- it would have to be done with the inside of the right hand or with the left hand, both of which would not be done. When you "turn the other cheek," you are standing up to the person and telling them, "No, you cannot treat me this way." This response is to be used, instead of the other two extreams we usually see, either you hit me, so I'll hit you back, or you hit me, and I'll let you use me as a doormat b/c I'm called to be a peacemaker and if that means letting you walk all over me without ever standing up to you, then so be it.
In terms of forgiveness, it seems to me that forgivness is almost more for the forgiver than for the forgiven (except in the case of Jesus and us!). When we forgive someone of something they did to us, they don't have to care. However, it releases us from the pain they inflicted on us. They don't hold the power, just because they hurt us. When we forgive, we say, "I'm not going to let this ruin my life any more. I'm not going to let your words/action be a part of my thoughts all day long. I'm not going stew and resent you. I'm moving on with my life." That person still may have work to repair the relationship and build your trust, but you are not allowing them to steal your joy anymore.
It is so so so much easier said than done, I know!! But its almost seems like you have to say, "my family and I deserve to be treated with more respect than you are treating us. I forgive you for the way you have treated us, but until you can act in a way that is charitable, we can't be around you because you are hurting us." As a friend of mine pointed out to me in a similar situation, I had to essentially say, "I'm the mommy, and I said no." Sometimes, you have to treat adults like four year olds. 
God bless, and hugs- this can be so tough to shoulder!!
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Elena
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I have a friend that is a little bit like this - it's amazing hurtful that cold shoulder can be isn't it!
How I have finally come to deal with her is to extend invitations once and if she turns them down, so be it. That's her decision. Other than that I treat her normally like I would anyone else, and if she doesn't like it - oh well. That's her problem.
i feel sorry for the person you described. Those types of people usually die alone and lonely and if they are remembered after passing, it's not usually in a good way!
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KauaiCatholic
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oh Michaela, my heart hurts for you! my mother went through decades of something similar with her very strong-willed mother. 
I just typed a whole bunch of details and then deleted it all; not sure it's helpful to hear about someone else's struggles and how they turned out. and you got plenty of great advice from others, so I'll leave it with what I started to say: I know some of what you are going through, and I will be praying for you.
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albeto
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CatholicMommy wrote:
I would also add that is absolutely *not* Christian to allow someone to wallow in their sin.
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Refusing to speak to a child who doesn't end a phone conversation with "I love you, Grandma!" isn't the behavior of a mentally stable person. There is a difference between "sin" and mental health disorders. To the OP, I would only suggest that you remind yourself that logic does not play here and although it feels hurtful (and it would to anyone), it's not meant to hurt nearly as much as it's meant to express hurt. Your [unspoken family member] sounds to me to be terribly anxious and frightened in general and that's a terrible burden for anyone. I would also encourage prayers for her and prayers for you to know how to "take" her abuses in imitation of Christ - returning offenses with love for the sake of love and love alone.
It's a beautiful thing you're doing to show her love in the face of adversity. I think it must bring you closer to Christ, fwiw. I think we must pray to be closer to Christ without realizing the brutal pain that comes with True Charity.
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Michaela
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Thank you all for responding. I was so confused believing that as a Christian I had to be the one to constantly chase her down (calls or visits) to keep the peace. It's challenging to change the mindset of always being a light for Christ to others. We are supposed to help others, especially family.
I do pray for her to soften her heart. I have taken her abuses for the sake of our relationship and of course for Christ (!) and returned every slap with love and attention (she thrives on attention). Now....I am trash to her...so be it.
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Michaela
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Michaela
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Just wanted to share an article I found online that along with your feedback has helped me to understand and have some peace over how this situation is playing out.Are You a Doormat Christian? Learn About the Two Sides of Love
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Michaela
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Forgiveness ...turning other cheek
