| Author | |
dolorsofmary
Forum Pro
Joined: Jan 17 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 210
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 8:28am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I never could put my finger on it before, some times it takes me quite a while to articulate things. we have a once a month preschool playdate with our catholic homeschool group. I try to attend it, Its only during the school year. I think because now that I am much more calm about homeschooling since I am actually doing it now (my son is 5 now) that I am able to pick up on other things. It was startling to see how there were 2 newbie moms to the group and myself who I guess you could say was never been in the clique and then there was a core group. And the core group kept to itself. I would go up and talk to a few here and there about this and that and then they would go right back to talking to the core group members. Amazing! I always recall going to a different function where they would discuss outloud the play dates they would have with each other. No one has ever ever ever ever asked me for a playdate ever ever ever ever. I always have to the do the asking and I have been in the group since my son was born. I have achieved playdates, 2 mom's, one who has chosen to put her kids in catholic school (but she comes from a big homeschool family so who knows) and has stuck up for me in the past and felt that others snubbed me and another who is a newbie. I was amazed at how fast the newbie got playdates with others but I have to beg for them. I am older, mid to late 40s and only have 1 child. the others have similarity in age and in some cases are townies and went to school together. Of course I cannot force friendship but what they are doing is rude. I guess I am blowing off steam. Any advice? I know be generous and take whatever scrap of generosity they give me. Like the house the playdate was at (its at the same house every time and she gets a stipend for it and its nice and big, my house would be too small for that amount of people) I swept up the floor after the craft, etc. to help out. I really feel left out when it comes to friendship. Very very left out. Its amazing and funny really. I also brought a nice snack and drink to share that the hostess really appreciated. But of course they still have their clique. There is no other catholic homeschool group in the area so I'm stuck. Oh well.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
dolorsofmary
Forum Pro
Joined: Jan 17 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 210
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 8:32am | IP Logged
|
|
|
actually I am very tempted to go to the next playdate and just sit on the couch and have a good cry and see what they do. Of course that would be manipulative unless I really really really felt like doing it. I would not manipulate them like that.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Cay Gibson
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 16 2005
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5193
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 9:50am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh, dear! I'm so sorry... 
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KackyK
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 22 2007
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1811
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 1:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Can you arrange a small field trip? Maybe a little grocery store tour or something? Something where you aren't in a home, sitting and gabbing. It's during these times that although can be really enjoyable, really great in promoting friendships, they can do the opposite too! But maybe getting a couple of moms out, out of their little congregating element, maybe that would mix it up a bit.
I understand how you feel. Where we lived 2 houses ago I experienced something very similar! It's an odd feeling, feeling like you don't really belong anywhere...feeling like saying "hello!!! why do I suddenly feel like I'm in middle school here???" Stinks. It's these times when I remember that saying "this too shall pass".
Probably not very helpful!!!! Sorry! 
__________________
KackyK
Mom to 8 - 3 dd, 5ds & 4 babes in heaven
Beginning With the Assumption
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 1:30pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I do have advice.
Be responsible.
Being responsible looks like this...
Be kind.
Give benefit of the doubt.
Pray.
Focus on your vocation.
Don't blame others.
Be generous.
Serve.
Work hard.
Have a cheerful attitude.
Be reasonable.
Avoid excuse making.
Ask for help.
Protect yourself.
Preserve the dignity of yourself and others.
Be grateful.
Know when to stop.
Learn how to be a friend.
Have courage.
Each of these thoughts (and many others over the years) has helped me, at one time or another, to keep my focus on my own immaturity, sinfulness, and willfullness, because the only person that I can rightfully control, is myself. I hope a thought or two will be an encouragement.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 4:17pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Beautiful advice Angie. Perfect. I have run into this myself so much over the years. I have never felt like I 'fit'. If I could echo Angie's words "Give benefit of the doubt." Maybe these ladies are very much in a 'comfort zone' with one another and some of them may not be good a meeting new people.
Also, be comfortable with who you are. If you don't feel like you belong, don't assume that something is wrong with you. Be genuine, authentic, and you will form genuine, authentic relationships.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 4:52pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Wonderful advice, Angie!
It has taken years for me to develop strong friendships with the ladies in my homeschool group, and sometimes I STILL have to lasso my inner middle schooler in order to avoid feeling petty if I'm not feeling "popular." That's my own particular temptation, but I think the solution is probably universal--and it is on Angie's list--be a friend!
We make friends by giving of ourselves, not by taking or expecting. It is really hard to continue to reach out to people when we feel snubbed. I don't mean we should pester! I just mean, continuing to pray for, offer help to, smile at, be gracious to, etc... It can take years of this and lots of trial and error before we find those people that we really connect with and start to have a common history with.
Finding new friends as a mom can feel an awful lot like dating. But, while I had to wait a while before I found my husband, it was worth the wait. I can say that the same is true of my current friends. They were worth the wait!
I do think that a good way to begin to make friends is to continue to serve the group however you can. Bring nice snacks and/or hostess gifts to the monthly meeting. Stay long enough to help the hosting mom clean up her trashed house, even if you are the only person cleaning while everyone else still finds themselves gabbing. Take meals to any moms who have babies or are otherwise struggling. If anything, it will give your suffering purpose so that you can grow in holiness in spite of your loneliness. 
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Michaela
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2052
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 5:30pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
You've received sage advice.
dolorsofmary wrote:
| I have been in the group since my son was born. |
|
|
Has your son formed any friendships in the group? Maybe not close friendships, but do you notice that he plays well with any of the children?
If so, that could be your jumping off point.
Instead of feeling that you have to invite the entire group to your home, you could ask (maybe email privately) 2 or 3 families over for a playdate.
Even having them over once could be the ice breaker.
(I've experience what you described and decided to come out of my shell by starting a relaxed co-op in my home for my then 5yo to get to know a couple of children he played well with at homeschool park day. From that act of boldness, I formed a very close friendship with one particular family...and she introduced me to other families. Now even though it's not natural or easy for me... I am the person who always introduces myself to a new face in the group because I know the feeling of sitting back alone watching everyone else talk up a storm.)
__________________
Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amarytbc
Forum Pro
Joined: July 06 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 323
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 6:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've seen this in our own group. There is a core group, I'm in it. Newbies are on the fringe and people rarely welcome them. It amazes me. I go over and talk, introduce them to the others and try to draw them in. Most of the "core" are seeing old friends that they rarely see, so they aren't super welcoming. I love Angie's advice. Month after month I have to go over and talk to the new people and wish they would just pull up a chair at the table of someone their age or with kids their age and jump in the conversation. People seem cliquey at these groups, but they really aren't mean spirited, just a little self-absorbed sometimes. And don't feel rejected when they plan their play dates in front of you. They are oblivious more than they are exclusive.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 7:46pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
amarytbc wrote:
| I've seen this in our own group. There is a core group, I'm in it. Newbies are on the fringe and people rarely welcome them. It amazes me. I go over and talk, introduce them to the others and try to draw them in. Most of the "core" are seeing old friends that they rarely see, so they aren't super welcoming. I love Angie's advice. Month after month I have to go over and talk to the new people and wish they would just pull up a chair at the table of someone their age or with kids their age and jump in the conversation. People seem cliquey at these groups, but they really aren't mean spirited, just a little self-absorbed sometimes. And don't feel rejected when they plan their play dates in front of you. They are oblivious more than they are exclusive. |
|
|
Same here. Sometimes it's a matter of ages meshing well with families. It's not necessarily mean spirited. One lady who had been part of our group was feeling very left out a couple of years ago. We were not meaning to leave her out, but did so. I try very hard to not exclude people especially when we are in group situations.
One thing for me is that if a group of children don't play with my son, I won't have them over exclusively. He already as a child with autism, has trouble with social situations so I can't put him with children who bewilder him or hurt him.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through a big period of loneliness in my life. Many people prayed for me and gave me wonderful advice.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Nov 05 2010 at 7:47pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
One other thing. As a part of the core group, we are expected to do the planning. Maybe you could plan a group field trip. I always love it when people take a bit of the load off my shoulders.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: Nov 06 2010 at 12:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
KC in TX wrote:
| One other thing. As a part of the core group, we are expected to do the planning. Maybe you could plan a group field trip. I always love it when people take a bit of the load off my shoulders. |
|
|
I was going to suggest the same thing. The way to make friendships is to get active. And don't just offer -- pitch in. Friendships start with chit-chat during activities. Start washing dishes or picking up trash. Conversation happens there.
Planning the next events or locations also affords conversations. I'm making friendships just helping out with the nature club in our homeschool group.
Talk about the china -- do you have something similar, like that color, etc? Know a great place to get bargain paper plates and trash bags for next time? Heard about a great place for an outing to bring the kids? Coupons? Start an initiative to do a swap for date nights?
Looking for books for boys? Audio/videos? toys? Something your sons loves and you want to recommend?
I'm not always good on the chit-chat, and prefer one-on-one conversations and deeper sharing, but it has to have a starting place. If you don't have little talks beforehand, how can you even find if there is anything in common to build a friendship.
I also want to recommend Alice Gunther's book I highly recommend Alice Gunther's book, Haystack Full of Needles, A Catholic Home Educator's Guide to Socialization for ideas.
For me, her advice for people in existing groups to reach out to newbies is priceless, and always a good reminder for me to read (although I can't remember where I loaned my book....), but the book is full of other great ideas and advice on all levels.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Nov 08 2010 at 8:03am | IP Logged
|
|
|
JennGM wrote:
[
I also want to recommend Alice Gunther's book I highly recommend Alice Gunther's book, Haystack Full of Needles, A Catholic Home Educator's Guide to Socialization for ideas.
For me, her advice for people in existing groups to reach out to newbies is priceless, and always a good reminder for me to read (although I can't remember where I loaned my book....), but the book is full of other great ideas and advice on all levels. |
|
|
I try very hard to reach out to newbies. This is a wonderful timely reminder.
I've been thinking over this post all weekend long. You've given me a lot to examine. I hope I reach out, but I know that I'm not always succeeding. Sometimes the burden gets too much for me when there's so much going on in my life. Which can be a whole other post on it's own. Big hugs and prayers for you.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: Nov 08 2010 at 8:11am | IP Logged
|
|
|
KC in TX wrote:
| I hope I reach out, but I know that I'm not always succeeding. Sometimes the burden gets too much for me when there's so much going on in my life. Which can be a whole other post on it's own. Big hugs and prayers for you. |
|
|
I think this also falls into the "benefit of the doubt" category mentioned above.
I don't want to make excuses for anyone or myself, but it is definitely more draining to try and converse with and make plans with someone you don't know as well. I think most homeschool moms are perpetually drained, and it can be really hard to find the energy to see beyond one's own needs for recharging to recognizing and assisting in another's.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
alicegunther
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1992
|
| Posted: Dec 13 2010 at 8:45am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I am an old 4Real veteran who has been away too long and hope you won't mind my chiming in on this thread. I actually found this discussion when googling "homeschool cliques," but couldn't resist responding because DolorsofMary's story speaks strongly to my heart. (Many, many thanks to my dear friend, Jenn, for recommending Haystack Full of Needles in this thread. It was so nice to see!)
First of all, DolorsofMary, I am sorry you are going through this and speak from experience when I say there is a great sorrow when you are on the outside looking in while others form relationships and have fun together. It makes you feel like a "Little Match Girl," standing barefoot in the snow and looking through the rich family's window, able to see the tree and warmth and presents, but never being invited in or finding an open door. For a mother, this pain is ten times worse, because you feel it through your child, who seems to be missing out on so much fun.
Most people who are in cliques are completely unaware that any "clique" even exists. (I say this from experience too.) They are so comfortable and well established that the way others may be feeling does not occur to them. This is understandable, particularly for busy homeschooling mothers, yet, it has always been my thought that we mothers should try to develop a sensitivity to the needs of our homeschooling sisters. If we believe in the importance of homeschooling, part of our vocation is to encourage others along this path, and we should reach out in friendship and concern whenever possible. [At the very least, we should have the goodness not to mention playdates and fun in front of other mothers unless we end with, "and we would love for you to join us next time" ! :)] But this is a separate subject from what is needed at the moment--ideas for what to do when feeling outside the clique or unable to form deep friendships within a homeschooling group. Some of the suggestions below may or may not work, but might be worth a try.
First, and most important, take the Blessed Mother as your best friend. Talk to her every day and ask her to help you and your little boy find lasting friendships. You, like the Blessed Mother, have an only son, and she understands perfectly the pain you are feeling when your little boy is left out. Pray that God will help you in your vocation to homeschool. If it is His will that you home educate your son (and I am sure it is) He will give you the graces you need to do it, including friendships. Ask Him to open doors you find locked or send at least one new homeschooling family to be your friends.
Second, continue to do what you are doing--which is very good. Bring a nice snack, help with clean up, be pleasant and cheerful. Keep a close eye on your little boy and teach him to put away toys and to thank the hostess at the end of a gathering. ("I had a lovely time, Mrs. [hostess], and thank you very much for having me" is charming.)
Third, and this is the advice that may or may not work. It truly depends on the women in your group. Consider confiding your feelings to one or all of the mothers. This must be done with great delicacy and without any hint of accusation or bitterness. If there is a woman who you particularly like or who seems especially charitable, talk to her privately and tell her how much you yearn for deeper friendships and more playdates. The right woman will take you under her wing and do what she can to include you. She may be the "open door" you need. Alternatively--and again, this is a delicate situation and could backfire--talk to the other mothers in general about how much you and your son like them all and how you would love to see them more often and join in their playdates. Try not to cry, even though it will be hard, because this is an emotional topic. Keep it light and upbeat, remembering that most homeschooling mothers are very good women, and, if they are women of God, they are very likely to respond with charity, understanding and action. [Above all, and I should have said this first, pray a Novena before beginning any conversation about this.]
Fourth, offer something to the group if you are able. Anything really--a Rosary and playdate, a Lego club, an art class, a day of playing in your backyard. If you do not have room to open this up to everyone, invite the first five families who respond to sign up. Or, organize a park day, preferably after daily Mass. (Catholic homeschooling mothers are at their happiest when a day revolves around Mass, the Rosary, or Living the Liturgical Year.) Or, just invite the mothers over for a "Mom's Night Out," -- Rosary and Tea in your home (with moms and nursing babies only). Or plan a Mom's Night Out at a local restaurant with a price fixed menu that is affordable to all. (If that is too expensive, a dessert night at a bakery or "Panera." There is always something!)
Fifth, and here we come full circle from the prayers for friendship at the beginning. Offer up all this pain--and it is very painful--while you wait for the sun to come out. Offer your loneliness on behalf of your son and for his future so that none of this suffering is wasted.
When my eldest daughter was five, I knew almost no local homeschoolers and felt completely alone, but God, in His time, sent dear friends. To some extent, this is not as painful as being outside a clique, but I mention it to give you hope that things can change. You have only just begun!
Meanwhile, you and your son are in my prayers.
Love, Alice (whose signature below is now joyously out-of-date and should read "mother of eight and new baby due in April 2011.")
__________________
Love, Alice
mother of seven!
     
Cottage Blessings
Brew yourself a cup of tea, and come for a visit!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: Dec 13 2010 at 11:18am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh Alice, so nice to "see" you! I'm glad you popped in! Missing you, and taking notes for myself.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stellamaris
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 26 2009
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2732
|
| Posted: Dec 13 2010 at 11:34am | IP Logged
|
|
|
AliceGunther wrote:
| Most people who are in cliques are completely unaware that any "clique" even exists. (I say this from experience too.) They are so comfortable and well established that the way others may be feeling does not occur to them. This is understandable, particularly for busy homeschooling mothers, yet, it has always been my thought that we mothers should try to develop a sensitivity to the needs of our homeschooling sisters. If we believe in the importance of homeschooling, part of our vocation is to encourage others along this path, and we should reach out in friendship and concern whenever possible. [At the very least, we should have the goodness not to mention playdates and fun in front of other mothers unless we end with, "and we would love for you to join us next time" ! :)] But this is a separate subject from what is needed at the moment--ideas for what to do when feeling outside the clique or unable to form deep friendships within a homeschooling group. Some of the suggestions below may or may not work, but might be worth a try. |
|
|
I do think this is quite true, Alice. I also think there is another dynamic that is very dominant in any gathering of homeschooling moms. Each mom is spending ALL of her time serving her family and when these moms get together it is their only chance to spend a few moments on their own needs. This creates a somewhat desperate need on the part of many of the mothers to socialize, to have their emotional/social needs met in this short time of interaction. So, rather than reach out to new moms (more service), they use the time to "re-fuel" themselves. I'm not making a moral judgement here, just trying to state what I think may actually be happening that appears to be "clique-ish". Perhaps it might help you, dolors, to realize it is not a conscious or intentional rejection of you. Some of these moms are growing weary of serving and so cannot see with the eyes of charity (I don't think they see that you are "outside" at all).
I think it is very important for us as homeschooling mothers not to discount our own needs and to try to provide for time for ourselves to pursue some of our own interests/activities so that we don't come to such a desperate place of need that we can't reach out to the stranger in our midst. This in my mind is one of the greatest challenges of homeschooling.
CrunchyMom mentions this above, too:
CrunchyMom wrote:
| I think most homeschool moms are perpetually drained, and it can be really hard to find the energy to see beyond one's own needs for recharging to recognizing and assisting in another's. |
|
|
ETA: CrunchyMom's remarks and fix formatting 
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Dec 13 2010 at 11:35am | IP Logged
|
|
|
JennGM wrote:
| Oh Alice, so nice to "see" you! I'm glad you popped in! Missing you, and taking notes for myself. |
|
|
I've missed you as well, Alice.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stellamaris
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 26 2009
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2732
|
| Posted: Dec 13 2010 at 12:00pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wasn't reading too carefully...
alicegunther wrote:
| Love, Alice (whose signature below is now joyously out-of-date and should read "mother of eight and new baby due in April 2011.") |
|
|
Congratulations!!!!  
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kristie 4
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 20 2006
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1508
|
| Posted: Dec 13 2010 at 12:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I find what helps tremendously in our little coop is when one of the dads brings the kids for the day- a little break in the estrogen by some male energy can do wonders with the 'cliqueness'!!
__________________
Kristie in Canada
Mom to 3 boys and one spunky princess!!
A Walk in the Woods
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: clique @ the homeschool preschool playday
