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MamaFence
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
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*sigh*
We just moved two months ago to a new AF base, live off-base, and are home-schooling our oldest who is not yet 6, but "doing" 1st grade.
My girls--nearly 6, and 4--don't have any playmates yet. I've met a few "potential" friends in the local home-school group, but have only met them once or twice. And by local, I mean they live in the next county 18 miles away. Our small town has less than 3000 people, and one elementary school, so I assume that even if we weren't home-schooling, friends might be hard to come by. Trin was in school for two years (preK and K) in NY and really only had one friend, who was our neighbor's grandson and coincidentally, in her preK and K class. Anyway, because she's quieter, making friends doesn't come easy to her anyway.
But I feel like she and my other daughter should have friends. I want them to have friends. I don't want to sound desperate and crazy calling people and saying "PLEASE come play." I feel like I would be cluing them in to how desperate I feel for them. :/
And of course I have the two boys, so I feel like some people are flat out turned-off by us, because we're so many, and so little.
T will be 6 next month, and I'm really tempted to call up the few moms I have exchanged numbers with, and plan a casual birthday party (no gifts) for her with other girls to come and celebrate and play. Would that be awkward? "Hi, I know we've only met once, but when we did, our girls got along really well and I'd love for you to help celebrate T's birthday with us. Please come and be our friend." That's what I *feel* like. Nevermind that I am also desperate for friends. I'm grown-up and can deal with it, because I understand, I have great friends in other parts of the country to talk to, and my husband is really my best friend. But little girls love friends. They need friends, right?
Help me through this. How do I seek out and help my girls form friendships?
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:24pm | IP Logged
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Small towns can be difficult. Many of them just are tentative of including "strangers" and you're a "stranger" if you haven't been living there for YEARS. 
But a small town certainly does NOT mean that you can't make friends because there's not enough people.
Consider as well what you're looking for for "friends". If you're looking for best friends who are calling each other up all the time.. well that can take quite a while.. but if you're just looking for friends to play with.. start looking around. Is there a storytime at the library? The ladies here would go to storytime and then go out to lunch at a park or fast food play area afterward (I'd pack pb&j and buy one large french fry and waters). And the kids could run and play while the moms visited. None of those kids are my kids close friends. Those ladies aren't my close friends but it was still nice to get out and "go play" with them.
Or maybe something through your church? Does a preschool or headstart or such have a play day?
Is there an activity you can do that would get you to meet people? Something you can do occationally? I've sung in the choir at various places depending on how the kids are doing and how things are set up (and if my dh is around or not due to work).. but it's been a great place to meet people. Anytime you do something you enjoy you're likely to meet others that you have something in common with.
Just about any place we go we hang out after Mass at least a little. And smile at people. It may only be the older people who stop and tell you about how they were one of 15 or about their grandchildren. But they're also a source of some of the best encouragement out there.
And don't let yourself be restricted by age too much. My oldest daughter has only in the last 2 years found that close friend her age. And we've been here 9 years. But she also has friends who are much older than she is or younger.
Your children have each other to play with.. this is good and they may like other friends but they are certainly not a desperate *need* when they have siblings to fill that space.
For that matter as an adult it's my sister that I'd say is my best friend.. since she's moved here I've had someone to call up and go and visit or invite over or say hey.. let's run away and have a coffee (or hot chocolate).
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:35pm | IP Logged
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I have a few thoughts, but not necessarily full-blown solutions. I was just thinking this week about my friendships; I have very few local friends. I do things with my local group, but because I'm keeping an eye on the activities and my children, I never get to really have a good conversation. I'm suspecting it doesn't happen but rarely until the children are much older. So there are days when I wish I could have friends, but I think what I really want is time to foster a friendship! 
I think the word "friends" has been misused, abused, and overused, especially Facebook and such. For my personality, there are different levels of friends, and the kind of friendship I like to have are those that we share commonalities, deep thoughts, etc. I have friends that I can have a good time with, but not usually on my call or write list of intimate levels.
I never made many friends; I prefer few and deeper friendships and one and one. I don't do well in crowd situations. That might be your oldest's personality.
At the younger ages, I think you are looking for playmates, which can possibly result into friendships. But this time of life is hard, having littles, nursing, nap times, homeschooling -- all isolating factors. And adding transient military life is even harder.
Are there any local homeschool groups that have activities/parties/PE that your daughters can join? I think the idea of a birthday party is a good one.
But one more thought...my most solid friendships, through thick and thin are with my sisters. I'm just old-fashioned and never do things like Playdates or such. It feels contrived to me. I grew up in a house of 7 children, my mom was busy homeschooling, raising babies, etc. We didn't have many friends outside the home, nor any playdates, but that was okay. When I read the Little House books there wasn't a lot of outside contact and friendships.
But like the Little House experience, not providing outside sources almost forced us to get along and get closer to my siblings.
To have a 4 and 6 yo is close enough to form a nice tight bond. I like to see my boys playing together, preferring to be with each other. It's nice to have diversion, but someone who is going through all the thick and thin right along with you is the best person for friendships.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:51pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Jodie, I see we crossposted, with similar thoughts!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 4:13pm | IP Logged
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We had a tough time with our last move, too. It takes a long time in some areas to connect, so be patient. We live in an area where people have lived for most of their lives so are "outsiders." They all have family and lifetime friends, so it has been hard to "break in." Things are better now but it took so long!
We moved here from a state college town where it was pretty transient, so people were open more quickly--within 2 years we had many nice friends and I never wanted to leave.
Being military I would think, I could be wrong, you would have more resources for meeting families. If you could find some activities on base perhaps it would be a more open, welcoming environment. Is there a homeschool group there? People will understand the frequent move thing?
Just thinking, I really have no idea.
Be patient, pray, enjoy your kiddos--they are young, and do things YOU like to do and you will meet some friends, in time. I found that seeing the same faces over and over, over a few years, while we did our thing, helped people get to know us and friendships formed naturally after that. It did take a long time. I was sad for my kids. I missed my "girlfriends" for chatting but once I got myself over the fact that friends weren't going to be instant here, things fell into place.
Hang in there!!
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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MamaFence
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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Thanks so much for the encouragement! I was feeling so down all weekend about this.
And then, God is good. We took a walk to the park this afternoon, and ran into TWO homeschool families. How amazing! Things are looking up.
There is a local-ish group, but most events and people are 15-20 miles away. We participate, but it gets to be tedious to drive that far, IMO.
I know, it takes time. Still praying and hoping, but your encouragement helps. So do the fortunate meetings today!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 6:23pm | IP Logged
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I agree with Anne - it is easier to make friends on base than it is in the surrounding civilian community. It took eight tours of duty before I finally realized why - people who have lived in the same place all their lives don't want to watch their friends move away. Often that means they choose not to make friends so they don't suffer future loss. (I know that sounds odd, but people have actually told me this.)
If your base offers youth sports or fun activities (bowling, Christmas party, etc.), why not give some of those a try? All military kids have been new in town at one time or another, so they tend to be very accepting of new children on base.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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MamaFence
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| Posted: Nov 06 2010 at 4:43am | IP Logged
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Nancy, you're right, too. I plan to sign my girls up for some base activities at the youth center, soon.
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mamasue
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| Posted: Nov 06 2010 at 11:22am | IP Logged
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Does your homeshool group have an yahoo group? If not can you offer to set one up for them? After we set our hs group up on a yahoo group it was so much easier to plan and invite everyone to activities!
If you are able to invite them to your house (I know they live faraway but they might make the drive, you never know!
Some ideas:
girls nature club- meet once a month, go on a nature walk, do nature crafts, activities, games! A lovely way to get some fresh air and socialize
rosary playgroup- the ladies with younger children (like oldest is 7 or 8) meet twice a month and open the playgroup with a rosary said by all (yes it does get hectic but it's super cute!) moms bring a snack for their own children and rotate to bring tea for the moms
walking group- meet weekly in a centrally located park to walk around a track or path. Moms bring strollers, slings, etc and older kids bring bikes, skates
little flowers girls club- lovely club which instills virtues and friendship in our girls!
Ice cream social- probably better in the warmer months, but you provide the ice cream and everyone else brings a topping
science club- meet once a week to do simple science experiments and socialize
There are so many ideas I can't list them all but if you invite them over and your kids spend time with them it'll become evident which kids they have a true bond with and their friendships will flourish from there. After that you can ask the mom to the child they are bonding with if maybe they could get together to play or if you two can exchange childcare.
Good luck!
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 06 2010 at 12:25pm | IP Logged
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I highly recommend Alice Gunther's book, Haystack Full of Needles, A Catholic Home Educator's Guide to Socialization as a good place for ideas. Spearheading some activities would be brilliant. Perhaps there are more like you, military, homeschooling and living off base that would like to band together.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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MamaFence
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| Posted: Nov 09 2010 at 3:27pm | IP Logged
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Mamasue, what great ideas! thanks.
Jennifer, thank you for the book recommendation. I'll see if I can get that.
I was supposed to have a playdate today, but the other mother ended up sick. :(
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 09 2010 at 4:13pm | IP Logged
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a simple pot of soup can be nice to take to a sick mom.. she gets soup to eat AND she doesn't have to make dinner.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Finding and forming friendships
