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4 lads mom
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I am curious, my friends, what you would do in this situation. I got a phone call from a DRE today from the church we have been going to for a few months. In the three years we have lived in this state, we have yet to find our “home” at church  . The DRE said there was a problem....and proceeded to tell me that Lily’s appearance with her metal appliance had so disturbed one of the children there, that said child refuses to go to Sunday Mass now, and will only go to Saturday evening Mass. I am not quite sure what the family wants from me.....the DRE said maybe I could “talk” to the little girl and explain more of what is happening to Lily. I sort of feel like maybe the parents should have come up to us and made a point of introducing the little girl to Lily.....and asking if there is anything they can do for Lily.....the DRE said the little girl was very concerned about Lily being in pain, and it pained her to see Lily. I would guess this girl is between 5-8. So....I told her that it was a moot point, because Lily gets her appliance off next Friday...and we’ll go somewhere else this weekend. I have never felt very welcomed there...the priest is a very nice guy....but people tended to stare at us, vs. introduce themselves and welcome us.....pretty sad. That has really been our experience everywhere here. I guess I bring this up to also say, if you ever see a new family show up at your parish...and they obviously have a special needs child....introduce yourself.....see if they need anything....welcome them, make them feel they aren’t alone.....because we sure have felt isolated since moving here. Having special needs children is already tough and can be isolating....it would be nice to have a parish community that really acts like it cares, instead of ignoring us.
Pity party over.  I hope that for those of you who have seen my posts over the years, you know I am not one to wallow....and I usually have a good attitude, I try really, really hard to have one at least....but this has hurt me. If I was in their shoes, I would have insisted on the child facing their fear....and make it “Okay, if you feel that sorry for this little girl, let’s do something for her!!” BUT....I also know that maybe this little one truly has an anxiety issue, and I don’t want to disparage anyone and get my own hormonal “I’m newly functioning on just one ovary” mood get the best of my judgement. 
Anyone? Be gentle....I’m prone to tear puddles lately.
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
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guitarnan
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Oh, dear. I'm sorry the DRE took the approach she did. I think you're right, the parents of the child should talk directly with you if they want to learn more about Lily's health situation.
There are many special needs children (and adults) in my parish and it seems to me that they receive a warm welcome every week.
I am sure the child was having trouble understanding why Lily would need her appliance, but an in-person introduction and polite request for information would have been more appropriate, and that would have given you a chance to introduce the two children.
And, just my humble opinion...the parents of this child should talk to her themselves. Really. It's not your job to calm her worries, it's theirs, because they know best how to do so.
I'm praying for you...with empathy for the hormonal part, too!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Gracesmom
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Okay...so i already wrote something, and then deleted it....but then changed my mind again.
I haven't been on here for very long, but I just had to tell you that from the little time I've been here I think you are a wonderful mom! From having to deal with everything with Lily, which I'm sure not many people could handle with the positivity, patience and kindess you have, to appendicitis issues with your son. Along with many moms on here, I truly am inspired by you :)
With that, in my opinion, it is not your job to make people feel comfortable with their surroundings. It is the parents of that little girl! They need to teach her how to understand with compassion, and empathy, amongst other things. There are disabilities, illnesses, disesases, etc everywhere you go...they can't possibly "shelter" their daughter from everything!
I would continue to go to church and maybe if you are able, switching parishes might be the best option. If I were you, I would probably just go on living how you are, like you said she's going to have her appliance off soon anyways, what's the point in explaining anything to people who don't even bother to ask?
Does your parish have parish activities? Picnics, ladies group? Maybe getting to know some of the people would help you feel more welcomed...?
I hope your day gets better :)
Reena
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JodieLyn
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Thank the DRE for bringing it to your attention, and let her know that while you will not approach the family/girl (it's their issue and they may be sensitive about that) you will welcome contact from them and would be more than happy to talk about the appliance and what it's for and why even if it can be painful that it still needs to be done.
That lets them know (gives them permission in a way) to approach you and that you don't need them to ignore it.
They may have gone through the DRE simply so that they wouldn't get snubbed by asking questions or something.
It's like the whole feminist "don't hold the door open for me" issue.. awfully hard to tell if you'll be thanked or scolded for doing it.
Some people wouldn't thank someone for coming up and asking questions.. they might even be offended that you'd *notice*.. if they knew someone like that they would react to that than to anything you do or don't do.
That said.. your reaction, the hurt, is only natural. It's hard when you do go to a Church and walk out, slowly, trying to meet eyes and smile and are ignored.. people can be so myopic and not even notice.. or sadder still are afraid to welcome someone new.
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Chris V
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Sending ((((Hugs))) your way 
It's unfortunate that this has been turned into your problem. Certainly, the mother of this child should have gingerly approached you, perhaps pulled you aside and had a warm talk. Introductions should have been made, and heartfelt concern voiced directly to you. ...just as Nancy said, it isn't your job to calm her worries. Goodness, (sigh), if only they'd considered how this might make you feel before they placed this upon your shoulders.
...I'm at a loss for words of wisdom to help you through this. I'll be praying for the best possible outcome for your feelings of being welcomed into the church community, and finding a home there amidst the faces.
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Chris
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hylabrook1
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Dear, dear 4 lads mom! I am biting my tongue to avoid saying uncharitable things about other people! This is decidedly the problem of the family with the young child. Of course people have different comfort levels with *differences*, and it does sound like the little girl is concerned out of genuine empathy for Lily's possible pain. But, really, doesn't she have parents? It is their job to help her understand about people and their special needs. I can understand asking the DRE for advice on how to explain things to their daughter, and I could understand the DRE asking you if you would be comfortable talking to the family a bit about Lily's particular needs.
I am so,so sorry that anyone would make you and your family feel unwelcome over something over which none of you has any control. Lily is a darling, brave girl, and you are wonderful mother!
Prayers for you all - as I pray for you daily - but especially right now.
Peace,
Nancy
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Bridget
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I have a plan. Drive 3 hours to MY parish. 
Seriously, I am so sorry, that really stinks.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Angie Mc
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Showing my cyber-auntie bias here...
Mistake 1: The family should have taken responsibility for their own concerns in private or approached you politely and have been willing to accept whatever response you gave.
Mistake 2: The DRE could have listened to the family, reassured them, then directed them to deal with their concerns in private or approach you politely.
Mistake 3: The DRE shouldn't have called you. She placed herself within a relationship triangle, with no real relationship to you or proper authority within her job description to do so.
We all make mistakes. Their mistakes (whatever their intentions) are their responsiblity, not yours. I'd better stop there .
Now, forgive them, smile and nod, move on. Get back to doing what you do best...loving up all that sweetness in your home  .
Praying for you
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4 lads mom
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I agree with what everyone says....I feel better now, and I am going to let it go, assuming the best of everyone involved. Like Jodie said to me in PM, I need to assume they are making these decisions based on past experiences, or maybe just no past experiences...and they are stumped. This is a very rural parish...I DO NOT say that disparagingly....I grew up way out in the sticks...but I do think there is a lack of diversity and probably not many kids with special needs in the community, since it is shrinking every year, or tends to be more of a summer lake community. So this might be rather new for everyone involved. I take it for granted that everyone has seen others with trachs and such...
I said before, I feel awfully fragile given the last several weeks after my surgery, ( I was back in the ER last TH night for IV fluids and antibiotics...again...) this recovery has been bumpy...and this latest just threw me for a loop.
Thanks, Ladies, for listening.....you all are the best.
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
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guitarnan
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You know, I am guessing you will never see the fruits of your labors here...you won't know how many children will head off to school and look at assistive technology and think, "Hey, there's a girl at church who has something like this!" and reach out to that child in friendship.
We don't know, so very many times, how God's call to us will affect others. I am reminded of the many times in the Narnia books where Aslan says, "That is not your story." We really and truly never know all the good God intends for us to accomplish in His name.
Having lived in a rural parish or two, I can say that being a newcomer to such a parish can be a challenge. We'd love to find a place where we're instantly welcomed, but I think those parishes only exist on tiny overseas military bases...sometimes. The rest of us mainstreamers bring our fears and worries and needs and concerns to Mass and so does everyone else. And, sometimes, mistakes are made in spite of the best efforts of everyone.
Whether you decide to stay with this parish or move on to a more compatible faith community, you have brought good things to this particular parish. God is within you and your entire family via the sacraments and He knows that some day in a future only He can see, your presence (with Lily...she sounds like such a wonderful little bundle of energy and joy!) will have made a difference.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Paula in MN
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I agree with everyone's thoughts on this subject. I don't understand the DRE ignoring the obvious...asking you what the parish community could do for you.
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Paula
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Willa
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4 lads mom wrote:
| I guess I bring this up to also say, if you ever see a new family show up at your parish...and they obviously have a special needs child....introduce yourself.....see if they need anything....welcome them, make them feel they aren’t alone.....because we sure have felt isolated since moving here. |
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Hi dear Lily's Mom,
That is a very good reminder.
Also, I am in agreement with everyone else. Way to make the already burdened family feel even more out of place and "on task"! The DRE may have meant well but was way out of line in putting it on you and Lily.
I think those times are Jesus especially touching you from the Cross. I know you've had more than your share of that recently.
When Aidan first came back to our parish from San Francisco, he was on oxygen, bloated and with a mustache from heavy-duty meds. Our parish is mostly retirees and vacationers and though kind, are not much involved in the "community" aspect of the church. However, over time we've seen how Aidan touched peoples' lives -- a lot of the tourists that come up to our church occsaionally have come up and talked about him and been very happy about how much he has progressed.
The point -- you do not know who you are silently touching -- you and Lily and your lads!
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Willa
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Kathryn
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Trying to get kids ready for bed and really no wonderful words of wisdom but lots of .
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MarilynW
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Dear Lily's Mama
I just logged on after weeks away - and I am totally horrified - and angry that this would happen to you..and really just speechless....
I am so sorry with everything else going on that you have had to deal with this.
No advice (too cross for that!)- but lots of hugs to you and sweet Lily.
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Marilyn
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SeaStar
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Makes. My. Blood. Boil.
Not to mention they could have gone to church somewhere else and solved their own problem.
I'd better stop there.
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juliana147
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4 lads mom,
Just sending hugs. Everyone else has given you such good advice, I do not have anything further to add. But I will keep you all in my prayers. I am so sorry that happened.
-juliana
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Cay Gibson
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Angie Mc wrote:
Mistake 2: Mistake 3: The DRE shouldn't have called you. She placed herself within a relationship triangle, with no real relationship to you or proper authority within her job description to do so.
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First of all thank you having the courage to bring this to our attention. I have just recently taken on the DRE position in my church parish.
Knowing about these scenerios and people sensitivities is something I need to be made aware of so I don't make the same mistake.
At last month's meeting one of the DREs shared her own personal experience when she became part of a "relationship triangle" which Angie mentions. She honestly thought she was doing the right thing...serving two parties and smoothing the water between both. Yet it came back on her and she felt badly. She shared her experience so we would hopefully avoid "triangel relationships."
This is a great learning curve for me as I often try to be the peacemaker and it doesn't always work for the best.
We all make mistakes. I think Angie's advice is weighed and worthy of following.
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Cay Gibson
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JennGM
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Angie, I'm glad you summarized so nicely, because all I could think was that this isn't your problem, and why is the DRE making it yours? Like Melinda said, my thoughts exactly. "Makes my blood boil!"
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CrunchyMom
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I keep thinking about your post, and Angie did indeed summarize so well. And as Melinda also expressed so well, it makes me livid. 
But, I think that the last part of Angie's advice is the best: smile, nod, and move on.
I don't know if moving on will need to be emotional or physical for you. That will require some discernment.
My brother is severely handicapped with cerebral palsy and has been in a wheel chair all his life. We lived in a small town and he still goes to the same church my family has attended since before I was born. It is a Baptist church, but a Christian community all the same.
Anyway, in my experience, there will ALWAYS be people who are completely clueless and act that way, and the people who are able to deal with such visible signs of a handicap that they do not understand are in the minority. Even though my brother has attended the church his entire life, many people never really got "used to it."
However, there are also many people like Willa described who are quietly supportive and I think are just unsure and very shy because they don't want to offend or hurt.
I do not recall an incident quite like what you describe, but for instance, my sister who was closer to my brothers age and therefore in the same activities at the same time was often confronted by "well meaning" adults insisting that she should have a "life of her own."
They were referring to things like her always getting a plate of food for him at a youth pizza party and always sitting with him to make sure he was included. Basic things that allowed him to participate with the other children his age. Of course, these people never offered themselves to go and get my brothers plate or sit with him or anything so that my sister could "have her life." They thought my parents should always be there to do it instead. Fortunately for my brother, my sister is remarkably loyal and stubborn
That's just one example, but I could go on. In many ways, people in the church have helped my brother and family tremendously and were (and are) such a blessing. But often, they failed in what would seem like the most basic ways. I (and more so, my parents) had to learn to accept people's intentions as good and just reconcile ourselves to the fact that few would ever really understand.
And yet, I'm not convinced there is another place where things would have necessarily been better???
I know that was really all about me and not you. I'm sure that there are many mothers of children with special needs who can relate so much better. Its just that your post struck very close to home, and while I hope I'm not a cynic, I just feel that wherever you choose to go, you might face the same sort of thing. It must be heartbreaking as a parent , but I wouldn't judge a community because of this one incident.
I went to a parish for years and was very involved for that time and never felt we belonged. A few years ago, we found another parish which fills our needs for community very well, but, well, it isn't perfect. So, I can't tell anyone else never to move because I did once, and it was a blessing! But, as much as I love it, there are those who will act in the most inconceivable ways, and that is true everywhere.
Many hugs and prayers for you as you discern!
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Lindsay
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Angie Mc
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Cay Gibson wrote:
I have just recently taken on the DRE position in my church parish.
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Oh, Cay, your parish is so fortunate to have you in this position. I'm confident that you will be a wonderful blessing to others and that you will be blessed in return.
CrunchyMom wrote:
smile, nod, and move on.
I don't know if moving on will need to be emotional or physical for you. That will require some discernment.
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Thanks for clarifying for me, Lindsay. This is what I meant.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: What would you do?
