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stefoodie
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 9:00am | IP Logged
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and this seems to be the favorite response here these days...
do you simply make the choice/decision for them? or just tell them what to do and then if they don't do it go to consequences....
What are some other appropriate responses?
Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated? I'm quite sure our first teen (now 18 and wonderful all around  ) went through this phase too... I just can't remember anymore how it all went and how I responded and what worked best.
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 9:57am | IP Logged
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Teens? My 5 year old does this! 
Don't take the bait (and don't ask "why" something was/wasn't done - sometimes they really can't answer, as there was no thought process that went into the decision) - just explain the expectations and the consequence ("the dishes must be washed by 6 pm so that we have clean dishes for dinner or you will not be eating dinner"). Calmly. If it isn't done, proceed with the consequence ("you chose for us not to have clean dishes; we will be using paper while you wash the dishes (and no dinner))" or something along those lines - I made that one up as I went (isn't that we all do all the time????) 
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LeeAnn
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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I remember having this argument with my dad when I was about 15.
Dad: "Do you want to go on a walk? We're all going."
Me: "I don't know. No."
Dad: "Come on, let's go."
Me: "No."
Dad: "Come on, let's go."
Me: "Are you asking me or telling me? If I am deciding for myself, my answer is no, I don't want to go. But if you are telling me to go, I will get up and go."
Dad: "Oh. OK. Bye."
My oldest is only 12 but generally if she says "I don't know" then I say I will do (or choose for her) whatever is more convenient for me. If she doesn't like it, she can put forth the effort to change the situation.
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JodieLyn
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"I don't know" can also be a way of trying to avoid making a decision. But it very often IS a decision.. because if you don't make a decision you may lose the window of oportunity.
do you want to go see Movie A or Movie B at the theatre? an "I don't know" means you get to see neither because it'll be to late.
So maybe pointing out that "I don't know" *is* making a decision.
Do you want to go with me or with dad. answer: I don't know. So then you say.. well I'm leaving right now so an "I don't know" means you will be going with dad, so you might as well just answer that you'll go with dad.
Maybe they will get the clue that an "I don't know" isn't getting them out of the decision.
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TxTrish
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 12:02pm | IP Logged
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How about when it is "why didn't you do _______?" or "why did you do________?"
Something obvious, that they know needs to be done and either "forgot" it or it was done poorly.
My 18 year old is the culprit here.
It drives me totally INSANE! 
I don't usually get rip roaring, steam shooting out of my ears mad anymore, so at least one of us is making progress
But, seriously - anyone have any ideas?
I'm wide open.
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ekbell
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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TxTrish wrote:
How about when it is "why didn't you do _______?" or "why did you do________?"
Something obvious, that they know needs to be done and either "forgot" it or it was done poorly.
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I tend to agree with CatholicMommy, it's generally not worth trying to force your child to admit the 'why' of something.
I've found that the most likely result with my younger children is for them to either tell me what they think the adult wants to hear or say 'I dunno'. I've also found that my children's natural desire to say what I want to hear can quite easily lead them to fudge matters or even make things up, particularly if the truth puts them in a conflict with me.
Hopefully a secure teen is less likely to fudge matters, so logically I'd expect to hear more 'I dunno'.
Further thoughts-
A person who isn't very introspective is fairly likely to have no idea WHY they did or didn't do something past 'I felt like it'/'I didn't feel like it' and most kids quickly figure out most adults tend not consider that answer as any more acceptable then 'I dunno'.
Very few people really want to admit it when the true reasons are 'I didn't bother to think about it at all' or 'I was feeling lazy and/or self indulgent'. *I'm* not eager to admit it when these are the reasons I fail to get around to things or do a slapdash job.
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Martha in VA
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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I have a chronic "I don't know" answerer. For dd, I am continually having to discern if she truly does not know - which is often the case - or if this is her way of being passive aggressive - which is also an issue she deals with. Depending on the context, I will sometimes press her for a more detailed answer. As she is getting older, Dh and I are pressing her more and more. Sometimes, if it's a matter of indecision, it helps if we give her two choices from which to choose.
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Lori
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| Posted: March 09 2010 at 6:41pm | IP Logged
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When getting down to the "why" of something, when I get "I don't know" as a response, I offer suggestions:
"Did you skip washing the dishes because you did something else first, or because your homework took longer than you expected?"
Or, "When you decided to hit your sister, did you stop first to think about how you don't like her to hit you? Or how much trouble you would be for hitting her?"
Some might see that as "leading the witness" a bit, but I generally have a good idea of the "why" in the first place, so asking it is really to get them to think a little deeper, or remind them to think deeper before making a decision/course of action.
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Chari
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| Posted: March 10 2010 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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I have six kids who rarely say "I don't know"...but they spend lots of words telling me WHY......over and over and over, ad nauseum .....I was just chuckling at the opposite side of the coin
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: When your teen says "I don't know"
