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Kathryn
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 7:58pm | IP Logged
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My step-dad is terminally ill. Really, he's the only father I've known and he's my kids' Papa. We found out about this terminal cancer just 3 weeks ago and we knew it would be swift and the kids have seen him at home, in the hospital bed and they know he's "very, very sick". I haven't had the courage to tell them he's not going to get better, may be part of me was holding out some glimmer of hope that it wasn't real. But it is. The hospice nurse has said he prob. only has a few days left as his body is shutting down. Should I prepare my 9 1/2 and 11 year olds?
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:00pm | IP Logged
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I think I would.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Mackfam
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:07pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Kathryn, that's so tough.  These would not be easy conversations, but I think I would begin preparing the kids. 
I'm praying for you and your family during this time.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:07pm | IP Logged
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To clarify a bit..
I would when it's pretty sure that it's a matter of days or hours.. We did when my grandmother was dying and we knew she couldn't get better.
But my dad is fighting cancer and while he's not in remission, the treatments are still making him "better" so while the kids know grandpa is sick.. it's just way to long away to talk about grandpa not getting well.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:30pm | IP Logged
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I'm sorry your family is going through this. While I haven't gone through this with grandparents, I did have some experience with this is October '08 when my brother died very unexpectedly and quickly (within 2 days). While encouraging the children to pray, I also tried to be frank with them about the likelihood that Sean wouldn't survive. I think it was very helpful to them to have that truth.
I will keep you in my prayers as you deal with this.
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Noreen
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MaryM
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:33pm | IP Logged
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I think my thoughts are close to what Jodie has shared. I would prepare them knowing it is that close and inevitable (barring a miracle). My father was diagnosed this past summer, but fortunately right now his prognosis is stable, he has responded to the treatments. But while we were waiting, not knowing I thought about what I would do and what I would tell them. My kids know that he has cancer and they know people can die from cancer. The youngers just know more when they have older siblings. Obviously I have older children and we have talked with them from the beginning with more detail because of their age and maturity. But my youngest is about the same age as your two. It is going to be hard for them no matter what, but I do think knowing ahead will help them with some of the sadness earlier. You are going to have so much to help your family with arrangements and such when the time comes that having been able to talk with and prepare them some, would in my mind be easier because you can focus on them right now. If that makes sense...
Have they ever experienced anyone close to them dying before?
Ironically this fall when we went out to see my dad, one of my aunts who has also been battling cancer, died. My 10 year old had only met her a couple times, but he took it really hard. I'm glad we were there then and he went to the funeral. I was able to see how he is going to react to death and it helped me to prepare for helping him when it is someone who is much closer to him, I think,
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Mary M. in Denver
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MaryM
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:37pm | IP Logged
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And I wanted to add, I am so sorry and will be keeping your family in my prayers this week especially.
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Mary M. in Denver
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 8:55pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I'm so sorry...
Please do tell them. It will be very hard and sad. But, they will appreciate that you were honest with them when they are older.
I was 11 when I lost my grandfather. My (other) grandma came and sat with me and let me cry and then she said the Rosary with me for him. I've never forgotten the comfort that gave me...perhaps this would comfort your children, too.
My heart goes out to you. I will be praying.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Martha
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| Posted: March 04 2010 at 9:22pm | IP Logged
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Yes. That is what we did when a great grandparent died. My oldest was especially close to her and although he wasn't old enough to understand alzheimers, he knew what death meant. I took him aside and explained what was happening, what would happen afterward.
What to expect at the funeral, no we don't believe she will become an angel, but we hope she is led to heaven, no she isn't sufferring and yes she will remember him then. And he got a chance to say I love you one more time and to see that it isn't scary, just very sad.
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Martha
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St. Ann
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| Posted: March 05 2010 at 2:42am | IP Logged
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I would also prepare them gently, but that they understand that he is dying.
My grandmother died of cancer when I was 8 and no one prepared me. I visited her in the hospital, but never in my wildest dreams did I think she would not be coming home again and I would spend weekends with her playing paperdolls and eating scrambled eggs with lots of cheese and toast... I was devestated and shocked when she died.
I mean really really in a state of shock and hysterics.
Kathryn, I will be praying for your family!
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Stephanie
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mathmama
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| Posted: March 05 2010 at 5:44am | IP Logged
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I am so sorry, Kathryn. In my opinion, there is way more harm that can be done by not preparing them. When I was 5 my grandfather died. I really didn't even understand that he was sick because no one spoke to me about it. There were plenty of opportunities because he was sick for a long time. When his death was imminent my parents sent me to stay with my other grandparents. Days later when my mom picked me up she told me on the way home that my grandfather had died. I didn't know how to react. It was my first experience with death and I really didn't know what it meant. We were not a family that practiced our faith.
We, on this board, are very blessed by our faith. It makes situations like this much easier. If I were in your shoes I would gently explain what was happening. Then I would remind the children that their prayers are so powerful so they need not feel helpless at all. They can pray for his recovery and although that may not happen they will then be able to pray for the repose of his soul. I believe they will appreciate your sharing the truth with them as painful as it may be.
I will pray for you and your family.
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Beth, wife to Tom and mommy to 4 beautiful girls:
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drmommy
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| Posted: March 05 2010 at 6:45am | IP Logged
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I will pray for you. My children are VERY close to my Dad, so I know it will be hard on them, let alone me.
Peace and strength.
Bridget
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chrisv664
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Sadly, our family has experienced the loss of all four grandparents plus my husband's brother. Three of these losses were sudden and one was when we only had one baby who was too young to understand. But my father-in-law went through a long illness and when the end was near, looking back, I think we could have done more to prepare the children. I had just had a baby and my two older girls were three and five. I was shocked at the intuition of the 5yo, who after I broke the news said "I knew he wasn't getting better. He didn't look like himself anymore". Since your children are older, I would definitely gently prepare them. In their hearts, they probably already sense it.
I am so thankful that in the tougher cases we've faced, where the loss was sudden and there was little or no time to prepare the children, we had the beauty of our faith to guide us. We prayed and talked about going home to our "real" home. We tried to use the time to bring the children closer to God and share how God is sad for our loss, but there is so much happiness in Heaven... of course, we also discussed the possibilty of time in purgatory and the need to pray for the souls of our dear ones, no matter what.
I will keep you all close in prayer.
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Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
Rebecca, Thomas and Hannah
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Kathryn
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| Posted: March 08 2010 at 7:19pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for the encouragement and prayers. I'm not sure I would have had it otherwise. I just didn't know what to do because we haven't ever been through anything like this. It was hard, they did both cry...we all did. We're still waiting for his passing but it's probably now within hours.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Jody
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Oh Kathryn, I'm keeping you in my prayers through this difficult time.
Jody
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 08 2010 at 7:57pm | IP Logged
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It's difficult. Losing someone is always difficult. But how much easier to lose them when everyone is supporting each other and sharing the grief. The kids aren't pushed off to the side confused and sad. Death is a normal part of life.. and sad as it is.. they bring so much to the greiving process.
They naturally will tend to find happy moments, moments to play even during the funeral.. well not the service itself.. but the visiting afterward.. and how nice for the grownups to be able to release that burden for a moment by watching or playing with the kids.
And kids will talk about the person lost in a very natural way that can be startling to the adults.. btdt with my kids. They remember them in prayer, and they'll talk about them going to heaven. Just so you know, it will come up.
We also talked about how once the person died they went to heaven (ok, mine were pretty small, it wasn't a time to discuss purgatory) that they weren't in their body anymore.. that we weren't leaving that person behind at the hospital or in the ground.
And including kids can bring so much to the whole process. We got one of the nicest emails from a friend. She'd lost her son (he was my dh's age) but that one of the best things was having a small snowball fight with my kids at the memorial service.
So really, it's ok for kids to be kids.. it's not that they don't care but just how they deal with it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Kathryn
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| Posted: March 08 2010 at 9:01pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| The kids aren't pushed off to the side confused and sad. |
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It's interesting b/c that afternoon, the kids were outside playing and I asked my son if he mentioned to his friend about his Papa and he said "no, I thought it was a secret." I was shocked! I guess I've been grieving in private for several weeks now which is just typical of me but I never would have assumed then he thought it was a secret. So I am glad they are being somewhat prepared now.
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Kathryn in TX
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 08 2010 at 9:14pm | IP Logged
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It's also alright to take time for your own grieving in private.. including the kids doesn't mean they need to see all of your grieving.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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wamegomom
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Sending prayers, Kathryn.
Mary Alice in Kansas
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Teachin'Mine2
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I'm so, so sorry.
Just a thought, pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet with them. Let them know that while you're going to be so sad to be losing his presence here on earth, that God is preparing a very special place for him in Heaven. I'm sure they already know that, but it's important that they know it will be a time of joy for him too.
Praying for him and for you and your family.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Do you tell kids if grandparent is dying?
