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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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I'm curious, does anyone have a "method" for reconciling with their spouse?
Maybe something like an olive branch or a regular action that can be inferred (ideally for both parties) as "can we be friends again."
BBL if necessary to clarify 
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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melanie
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 6:09pm | IP Logged
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I think you will need to clarify. Why not just an apology? lol...
I'm sorry if I'm being dense, but I don't understand what you mean I guess... 
Is this like a bigger argument, with hard feelings?
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 6:29pm | IP Logged
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No, not a big argument, but just when there is a disagreement.
Idk, sometimes I feel like "I'm sorry" isn't appropriate. I mean sometimes you just disagree and there is tension but no one really did anything wrong.
I mean, I could go and say, "things feel a little tense since we discussed x" but that seems to bring up x again. I guess I'm just such a verbal person, I get myself in trouble and when I mean to apologize and diffuse a situation, I just end up bringing whatever caused the tension to begin with again. I just wish there was some sort of "action" to test the waters. Yk, like flags on a ship, lol.
I probably just want an easy way when there is none cause people aren't easy.
I guess I just don't want to have to talk about it because sometimes its all in my head and if I said, "I'm sorry" when it wasn't clear, he might likely say, "for what?" Oops, what, nevermind. Pay no attention... 
I'm sure if I brought it up with dh, it would probably sound strange and contrived as it apparently did when I first posted it. I just thought maybe someone had come up with secret signals or something, like if I could just say, "The goose flies South in November..." and get a clear response, it would be easier.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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I'm sorry if this is a silly question. I'm just not always good at reading dh, and I don't like to make him "discuss his feelings" iykwim, and that isn't always the answer. I just wish he had lights or indicators or something.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 6:35pm | IP Logged
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How about a hug? you don't have to explain it and it generally difuses tension
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 6:50pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| How about a hug? you don't have to explain it and it generally difuses tension |
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Jodie, always so practical.
It always seems so simple when there is no tension and foggy when I perceive it
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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melanie
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 7:39pm | IP Logged
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I agree, a hug or smooch...I think sometimes things hang because both sides think the other side is still irritated over it and arent' sure how to proceed. Someone has to break the tension with a "we're ok again" action. 
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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sewcrazy
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| Posted: Aug 16 2009 at 10:27pm | IP Logged
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I usually offer him a service, such as make a meal or snack I know he likes, or rub his back or such. He will bring me chocolate!
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LeeAnn
Wife of David, mom to Ben, Dennis, Alex, Laura, Philip and our little souls in heaven we have yet to meet
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LisaR
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| Posted: Aug 16 2009 at 10:53pm | IP Logged
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I think what would help if you knew his "love language".
Dh's is physical touch, and mine is not, so for me to offer a back or foot rub means so much to him, and then he in turn gives me words of affirmation for days later telling me how much it meant to him.
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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juststartn
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| Posted: Aug 17 2009 at 11:59am | IP Logged
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Wish I could get my DH to read that book.... 
But we (I mean, I) usually try to step back and calm myself (even if it is just tension, we can all get a bit emotionally wound up). I definitely then try to provide something in the line of Acts of Service....pamper him a bit.
(I know I'm 'speaking' in *my* love language, but fortunately it seems as though we overlap a bit, DH and I).
Rachel
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Aug 17 2009 at 1:54pm | IP Logged
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For situations like you describe, ours is sometimes just a nudge shoulder to shoulder or arm to arm and a grin just to let him know I'm not mad anymore. It's easy, it's simple, obviously requires no verbage and yet it def. diffuses the tension and helps us move out of "that place".
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Aug 17 2009 at 11:34pm | IP Logged
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Well, I always resort to humor in these situations......
Sometimes, I just make myself look completely stupid and childish..... to sort of "break the ice"....like jumping up and down in front of him, saying, something stupid like "can we be friends again, huh? huh? can we? can we?"
Or, we tend to call each other by our original "hidden" nicknames.....I'll say, "So, hooooow's XXXX?" Which always makes us laugh and that diffuses the tension and let's the other know "i'm making amends" and helps remind of the "newlywed-feeling" that helps to outweigh a heavy heart (hopefully).
And, I've started to say......"You remember, doncha, that I am your ticket to heaven, riiiiight????? (when I know I've done something to annoy him)....... Or, when he does something that bothers me.....I joke with ...... "I'm am SO on my way to heaven!!!!"
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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Hugs and light jokes always work here too.  And yes, a very contrite "sorry", softly spoken -- when necessary -- works wonders.
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stef
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JennGM
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| Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 9:59am | IP Logged
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I do similar approaches like Janette. Or if it's really awkward, we say it in notes. Dh leaves a note in the morning every day, so sometimes it includes "I'm sorry" in various ways.
And I'll do the same, leaving it on his bag or next to his food to take.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Reconciling Rituals
