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insegnante
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 4:54pm | IP Logged
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Ever feel the lack of people to talk to who are at a bit of a distance from the things you would be talking about? Family members including my husband are just too affected by how I feel or the same things that are concerning me to be just "people to talk to." And my husband definitely has the tendency common among men to want to problem solve rather than just listen -- and maybe difficulty understanding how just listening is helpful when you could be trying to "do something about it." (I do have my husband's express permission to post whatever I judge acceptable to post about our family life, because he knows I am very conscientious about this, so I am not posting "behind his back.")
In a certain sense of the word, obviously not the one used by Facebook, I don't have any friends  For a long time I have felt like I am just not in a position to make friends readily. There are various reasons for that. Usually I am okay with it, figuring it's just not a priority at this time in my life, but I am really feeling it lately. I hope no one thinks I am asking for someone to sign up to "be my friend" -- all friends aren't necessarily there for you to discuss whatever is on your mind; it's part of a whole complex individual relationship what is appropriate to talk about when. It can't be like "I need someone to talk to... Better make a 'friend' so I can use her to fulfill that need!" I guess that is one of the major reasons I don't think I'm in a position to try to make friends; I have very little to offer "in return."
I don't even make online friends... not sure how that works for those who do. I did make a few when I was much younger, but the subject matter of the environments where I found them was very different. And my social skills were even worse; I felt entitled to whine and did not seem to be aware of the concept of oversharing back then!
It probably doesn't help that when I get "free time" lately I often spend it on not exactly relaxing reading about political developments. I want to keep up, but it doesn't help with the winding down I try to do late at night.
I don't make nearly enough time to pray. I know I need that more than just another ordinary person to talk to.
Anyway, I figured that this was an acceptable venue for this type of seeking people to talk to. 
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 5:01pm | IP Logged
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I know what you mean.. until my sister moved here I didn't really have anyone I could just say "let's go have a milk shake (I don't drink coffee  ), I need to get out for a bit"
Or whatever.
I do have some good friends online that I can talk to either privately (IM or email) or call on the phone.. but they're not close enough for that.. just wanna hang out or can you come help me with... type of things.
I know there are times that I have to curtail the type of reading I'm doing.. nothing so worthy as keeping up on current affairs but sometimes if I'm reading edgy espionage novels or such like.. I may have to stop for a while if they're effecting me to much. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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MarilynW
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 5:43pm | IP Logged
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Bless you Theresa. And empathy coming your way. No really good advice - except to say that right now I don't listen to the radio, watch tv news or read the newspaper. I don't read or watch anything sad or depressing. Try and focus on something happy or funny. Also (don't laugh!!) but I sing at the top of my voice - Abby and I have discovered some cool Christian music and my kids are laughing because I am singing these new songs all day - all good lyrics.
BTW - are you up for cup of tea with me? (I promise I won't sing loudly  )
Hugs
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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DominaCaeli
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 6:03pm | IP Logged
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Just wanted to say that I know what you mean, Theresa. I have often felt that this just must not be the season in my life to have friends, being at home with these little ones and trying to keep my priorities in order. We have family nearby (including two SILs), but though we love them dearly, we sadly have very little in common with our siblings when it comes down to it. It can be very lonely at times.
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Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 7:34pm | IP Logged
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Oh I can totally empathize, Theresa. Other than my dh, mom, and dd, there's really no one in the world that qualifies as "people to talk to". One comes close, but I can still get very guarded with her sometimes. It's really the people here that come closest to "close friends" who know me well. Is that sad? Perhaps.
The thing is, as I get older I realize that to maintain the kind of friendship that I had, let's say, in high school, I'd have to invest all kinds of time and energy and emotion that, to be honest, I can't see myself investing right now, because that would mean taking time away from who needs me most: my family. I've tried to do the online thing, but it hasn't really worked for me. (Too many intrigues, yikes!)
Even faraway friends that I've known since childhood, people I used to call "best friend" -- we've all kinda grown... apart. So we still keep tabs on each other, say hi every now and then, but there's no longer that deep abiding friendship that's soulmate-like... that's now reserved for my dh. And yes, he can get into problem-solving mode too... I guess that's an engineer trait , so I know what you mean. Sometimes when I really need to just let it all out, and I *don't* particularly want answers/solutions from him, I let him know ahead of time:
"Okay, honey, I just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Just let me vent, but please don't try to solve it for me." And he does.
And no, that doesn't exactly solve the problem of not having friends, but I've come to accept that that's part of my lot. I don't know if that consoles you any. There are days I feel really sad about that, and then other days I am very thankful for that reality.
I guess I don't have any real solutions for you. But I hope that knowing that some people are exactly where you are, and that we understand, may help, even if just a bit.
Praying that you find an IRL friend soon that will maybe fill this void for you, but if not, I'm praying that you will find peace and happiness even in this emptiness. Also, don't forget that our Lord may be calling you to a deeper level of intimacy with Him, and that's why He's allowing this emptiness to remain unfilled.
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stef
mom to five
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Bethany
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 8:37pm | IP Logged
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Theresa,
I know how you feel. Looking back on my life, I don't know that I've ever had friends like most women seem to have. I've often thought there must be something wrong with me  . But I'm also very private and independent. By that, I mean it's very hard for me to accept help even when I need it. I email a few friends from HS through FB once in a while, but so many of those friends are still close after all these years. I've moved all over through my adult life so I have no roots anywhere. When I first joined FB I was a little depressed for a while that so many people still lived in my hometown and had relationships.
My husband and mother are my closest friends, as I think it should be. However, I would love to have a friend living a life similar to mine that would be more understanding of the challenges.
As for the politics? I have to really watch myself or I can sink into despair. I've never felt so troubled or fearful in my life. But I can only do so much, mostly pray!
I'm also not very good at making online friends. I'm even guarded with what I post here because I feel like my true intentions or feelings don't always translate correctly.
I guess this was just a long way of saying, I'm right there with you .
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 9:06pm | IP Logged
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The worst part for me is that I feel like I don't really have time to hang out or chit chat or do whatever is needed to develop and nurture relationships, either. Either I don't have the time or I'm tired of talking (to kids, dh about mostly logistical or practical things). I *need* quiet time, but I also *need* girlfriend time, and neither the day nor my energy level can support both. It's a dilemma I don't feel like I have time to figure out, either. But something has to give, because I feel myself tensing up/stressing out as the new school year gets closer.
Peace,
Nancy
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juststartn
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 9:20pm | IP Logged
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Add me to the club...
Being a skirt wearing, head covering, devout Catholic hsing SAHM with five littles and one car (which DH has nearly every day)...well, living in Baptist-land OK, 20 min from the nearest town of decent size...well, our neighbors are cows. And single men who work all the time. And older married folks who run their own businesses.
Oh. And coyotes. Deer. And more cows. The occasional wild turkey...
All of my friends are online anymore. Oh, I have a few IRL friends--but none live within at least an hour and a half, and most live way out of state (I'm in OK, they are in NC, MO, MD, WA)...not exactly easy to go out and meet for a quick fountain style cherry Dr Pepper before we go to the quilting shop...
IRL, I make friends pretty easily. But things are such that getting out is hard. Shoot, I don't get to go to Mass every weekend. And trying to find people I actually have something in common with...sigh.
I've got one friend I've never actually met IRL, that we've been online friends for...oh..3 yrs now. She's in WA state. So we never get to see each other, lol....
It is difficult. And something I have prayed about...
Sorry I don't have any good advice for you, since I am currently there myself (again).
Rachel
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Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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Booksnbabes
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 12:38am | IP Logged
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Praying in empathy! I know the feelings you describe!
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Wife to wonderful DH, mom to SIX beautiful gifts from God!
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Anneof 5
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 2:12pm | IP Logged
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I can relate, too, Theresa! I have so wished for a close friend I could call at a moments notice to share the ups and downs of life. It has been many years since that has been a part of my life. I have drifted away and the few I had have little in common with me anymore. I see a couple of girlfriends once a year if I am lucky. I guess dh is my best friend and my older girls have become very close as well. They like being with me, going out for coffee, maybe a movie, shopping.I feel fortunate as I never had that type of relationship with my mom. I really don't feel like I fit in anywhere, be it church, homeschooling group, etc. Being online hasn't helped either. At times I can get really down about it! I think I tend to be a rather independent thinker and just do things on my own (go to conferences, workshops, etc.) rather than having to wait to be with a friend. It is hard to meet people at those functions as everyone has their friend with them. I have learned to be alone even though it isn't necessarily my choice of how I would prefer things to be.
You're not alone! I haven't admitted this to anyone outside of my immediate family, either!
Anne
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insegnante
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 3:51pm | IP Logged
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I probably underemphasized the "feeling overly stressed" part since I preferred not to itemize the stresses. I guess it's a vicious cycle. I know that trying to substitute light reading for political stuff, etc., isn't likely to work very well for me, but I think that simply *being with* or having *personal communication* with "friends" would be different from trying to force my attention off one kind of reading to another. That can work even when you are under stress and you aren't necessarily going to be talking about it with the people you hang out with.
When there is a lot on your mind, there is the issue of how nice it can be to be past the "getting to you know you" stage with someone who's not as involved in your concerns as your own family. I used to have a bit more of a social circle, but I basically withdrew from it during a hard time when I started to feel like I had very little positive to share. I was dealing with some particular personal stuff, feeling like I should not even hint at how burdened I felt, not because others expressed "not wanting to hear it," but because it seemed like it would be "oversharing" in the types of relationships that existed or because I really wanted my privacy about some of it. I didn't want to have these one-sided relationships where someone I didn't know all that well might start to feel like she was practically my therapist. We still have some positive voluntary contact with some of those people, but I don't have close personal friendships or even everyday social friendships with them.
So Marilyn, yes, I would enjoy getting together with you! I'm starting to think that even for casual fun things, it works best for me to choose a firm date with up to like 2 or 3 weeks notice than to wait around for what appears to be a "good time" to open up. I mean, remember that lasagna I never managed to pick up or have you bring over after DD was born because I kept waiting for a "good time"? I hope someone was nourished by it before it got freezer-burned!
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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MarilynW
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 5:37pm | IP Logged
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Theresa - I will pm you my #. Let's plan for something the week after next.
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: just lonely and feeling overly stressed
