| Author | |
SarahA
Forum Newbie
Joined: April 12 2008
Location: North Carolina
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 42
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 7:44am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I have a friend in a dilemna--she's been invited to a baby shower for the teenage daughter of friends. She asked me for advice, and I wrote a reply, but then thought about seeking the counsel of this forum. After just reading the thread on husbands (wonderful, btw), I should mention she asked him, and I would ask mine if he were not already at work.
Here were my thoughts:
"As for your moral dilemna, I honestly don't know. I mean, good for her that she's having the baby instead of aborting, but I'm not sure about the shower. I guess it depends on the spirit of the shower. If it's a celebration of the baby (new life, new soul in the world) I'm trying to put myself in your shoes by thinking of teenagers I know and what I'd do if they found out they were pregnant. I think the sad thing about modern day teen pregnancies (that don't abort) is there is so much pressure to keep the baby instead of giving up for adoption. I understand it would be difficult for the parents who do love their kids and do want grandchildren (at a hoped-for later date...) to part with a precious baby.
In thinking about it in the shower the other day (the great philosophical steam, you know), I thought about how teen mothers are so stigmatized, and the only thing they did differently than so many other peers is either 1)not contracept 2)incorrectly contracept, and most important 3) not abort. How many teenagers commit the same sin of fornication without the same consequences? To contracept or abort would be yet another sin, yet because of those two, most teenagers are never "outed" of the sin of fornication."
I don't think I actually gave any advice, as it turns out...now reading my response. What would you do?
__________________
Sarah
Army wife, Mama to (so far...) 2 boys, 1 girl, then 2 more boys
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SarahA
Forum Newbie
Joined: April 12 2008
Location: North Carolina
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 42
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 7:56am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I should add that I don't think ALL teenagers are involved in fornication, but too many are...
and also corrections "I think the sad thing about modern day teen pregnancies (that don't abort) is there is so much pressure to keep the baby instead of giving up for adoption."
I meant it's sad that the ones who make the right choice in not aborting are no longer encouraged to give the baby up for adoption. I say that because I have several friends who have been able to adopt only because the courage of young mothers (whose babies were not taken involuntarily...)
Anyway, just wanted to clarify...my friend could really benefit from your responses.
__________________
Sarah
Army wife, Mama to (so far...) 2 boys, 1 girl, then 2 more boys
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SusanMc
Forum Pro
Joined: Jan 21 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 192
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 8:14am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Wow, that's a really tough one. I'd be likely to send a gift but not attend the shower. That way you are supporting the care of the child but not taking part in the celebratory part of the shower itself. Later, if I was familiar with the mom, I'd take her out to lunch to underscore the fact that you aren't shunning her. As for the gift, if the mom is religious, perhaps a christening gown would be nice or a stack of books including a picture bible.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Matilda
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 17 2007
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1827
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 8:34am | IP Logged
|
|
|
While not a teenage pregnancy, we have had to deal with a pregnant out of wedlock situation in my extended family. I did not attend a shower because it was too far away, but sent a gift later and took the opportunity to tell the mom-to-be in the card how excited I was that she had chosen life where so many others in her situation would have chosen murder. I also thanked her for giving her child a chance to be born into the world instead of choosing to see him as a punishment or a burden. All of that is to say that I think you can focus your particpation on the baby and the mom's decision not to abort without celebrating the circumstances of his/her conception.
__________________
Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11 , 10 , 9 & 5 ) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
Waltzing Matilda
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Mary Chris
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 27 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2175
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 10:18am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think it would depend on how well I know the family. If they were acquaintances I might not attend and just send along a gift.
If they are dear kindred spirit type friends I would definitely attend. The dd needs to have love and support and so does the grandmother to be. The whole family is in crisis. The mother of the girl is also probably losing friends, the younger siblings might be too. This family now has this big mark against them. Yes the teenager made a mistake, all teenagers make mistakes, some are just more obvious than others.
__________________
Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Servant2theKing
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 13 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1505
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
When our family faced this exact situation our hearts were deeply convicted of the need to show Christ-like mercy and love to both baby and mother. The time for teaching moral lessons or passing judgment is already past...the young, unwed mother and her child, as well as their entire family most need, and deserve, encouragement from those around them, especially those who claim to follow Christ. Our Lord always reached out to the fallen and the lost. In our situation, the shower was given by a fellow Catholic...those involved truly joined together in a compassionate and prayerful way to help the mother-to-be and her family experience the Lord's compassion and support during a very difficult and tender time. If we claim to be pro-life, yet turn away in scorn from those who are in desperate situations, which could very well have caused them to seek abortion, we are actually a part of the problem, rather than contributing to a grace-filled solution, as Christ calls us to! I would go to the shower and would show true love for those involved...I would also extend my involvement to showering them with continued prayer in the months to come...they will need much grace to face the challenges that lie ahead.
BTW, to anyone who might believe that unwed mothers would be better off giving their baby up for adoption...know that doing so can cause longterm trauma, very similar to the trauma experienced by those who have had abortions. All situations differ and we cannot possibly know what is best for another person's soul. May God bless and guide all young women who find themselves facing "unplanned" pregnancies... may He help them discern what is truly best for their unborn child and for their own soul.
__________________
All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SarahA
Forum Newbie
Joined: April 12 2008
Location: North Carolina
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 42
|
| Posted: March 06 2009 at 4:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you so much for your heartfelt and Christ-like replies. I'll relay the wisdom.
Also, I didn't mean to say that any woman should or should not consider adoption, just that it doesn't seem like an option much anymore. I know parents who have kept pre-marriage babies, and those who have adopted them, but not any who have given babies up, so it was just an observation...
Thanks again and blessings to all!
__________________
Sarah
Army wife, Mama to (so far...) 2 boys, 1 girl, then 2 more boys
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Servant2theKing
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 13 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1505
|
| Posted: March 07 2009 at 1:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear Sarah,
I didn't mean to direct my words to you...simply sharing in a general way why some unwed mothers may not be choosing adoption...we've had firsthand experience researching the subject and had not been aware of the long-range problems women face after making the difficult choice to give up their babies. If only there were more souls reaching out to young women before, during and after they come face-to-face with this subject this thread might not even be necessary.
Coincidentally, I received a letter in the mail today, from Fr. Benedict Groeschel, who is involved with ministering to unwed mothers through Good Counsel Homes, Homes Helping Single Mothers and Babies. Their website is www.goodcounselhomes.org . It may be helpful to your friend or the friends who are facing a crisis pregnancy.
__________________
All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: March 07 2009 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
If they truly believe that all children are precious and a gift fom Him then there should be no question as to whether or not a celebration is in order. The gifts are for the child. The mother (even though she made a sinful choice and ended up pregnant out-of-wedlock) needs the support and love, (and is JUST as forgieven as anyone else if she has repented of the sinful action - most people just don't have to walk around with a sign of their sinful behavior, but we all have them!) and I would think especially from those of us who claim a pro-life stance. Nor do I think that every teen should be encouraged to put her child up for adoption - it would depend on the situation.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bookswithtea
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: March 07 2009 at 3:50pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I would go and be joyful. Bless the child to be with a wonderful baby gift and also give something that will warm the girl's heart and help her to see herself as a mother. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus would go. He didn't dwell on past sins but extended mercy (mercy triumphs over judgment) and exhorted to do right from that point on out. Hugs and comfort for the parents are also in order. They need to see Jesus in a practical way right now. Believers are those hands, feet, and heart.
__________________
Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Dawnie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 30 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 841
|
| Posted: March 07 2009 at 8:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes, go to the shower.
I became pregnant with my first baby before dh and I were married and even though we got married well before the baby was born and I was in my early 20's (not a teenager), I very keenly felt as if I were wearing "the scarlet letter." My parents were embarrassed and I felt really alone as NONE of my college-age friends had children. The support people showed me by sending gifts for the baby really meant a lot to me. God used that baby to bring me closer to Him and while I regret the sin that led to her conception, I am so thankful that God, in His mercy, BLESSED us with her even while we were sinning so grievously against Him.
I did not see the gifts people sent for the baby as a show of support for the fornication...I saw the gifts as expressions of love for the baby and I.
Just my perspective, having been a young, unwed mother-to-be once.
Dawn
__________________
Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leocea
Forum Pro
Joined: July 14 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 146
|
| Posted: March 09 2009 at 7:00pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well, I have had to deal with this for a very long time. Not only was I *born* out of wedlock, most of my relatives that have had babies were not married to the father at the time.
If I didn't attend, I would not have gone to the last five showers in our family. Only in one instance was it seen as a bad thing that the mother wasn't married, and that was my 14-year-old niece. The other girls were living with the father at the time, just not married.
I am not sure about the stigma anymore. I have noticed that in the Catholic circles I travel in now, the stigma still exists. However, in my everyday travels/interactions with family/long-time friends, there is no stigma whatsoever! Even among the Christian relatives/friends. Noone even worries about the fact that the parents aren't married, and in some cases, never plan to be married!
I think that this is a definite sign of the times. In my own family, out of our parents and two siblings, my husband and I were the only people who were not pregnant when they got married.
In my case, I couldn't imagine not going to support the mother and celebrate a baby who is already on its way. Like I said, I wouldn't ever see most of my family if I never attended showers/birthdays for these children whose parents happen not to be married.
It is hard enough to try to explain to my kids that you should be married before having babies when most of my relatives are not. It is even harder to explain the complexities of the now step-parents and half-brothers/sisters that many of them, including myself, have. Sigh.
In Christ,
Leocea
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CatholicMommy
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2007
Location: Indiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1254
|
| Posted: March 09 2009 at 7:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I would go - emphasizing gifts for the baby, celebration of new life... It's about life - not about celebrating the sin - and I think careful words and actions can be chosen which emphasize the one without encouraging the negative.... It's different in every situation - even within any given family.
Regarding the adoption question - I don't know what the rest of the country and world are experiencing, but I do know that my aunt and uncle struggled for years to have children, couldn't, refused to do anything contrary to Church teaching, and struggled for even more years to adopt - having children in their arms (and my aunt nursing the one litle girl!) only to have the birthparents change their minds. It is a VERY difficult decision - but it is NOT presented as an option as much as it should be, with all the proper support. They had to go to the middle east (Cyprus) and adopt a baby who is actually Lebanese (where my uncle is from). Everyone thinks my cousin looks just like his father 
Flash-forward a few years and I find myself (in my early 20s) alone in my doctor's office with a postive pregnancy test. With tears of every conceivable emotion flowing down my cheeks, my doctor asks me what I'm going to do. I immediately said, "I'm not sure but I'm considering adoption" (thinking of my aunt and uncle - and even thinking that I would offer the baby to THEM).
She INSISTED that I have an abortion - that even going through the pregnancy would ruin my personal life, my school life, my future professional life.... Ok, so maybe it did! But those things, in the manner I had originally planned, were not in GOD's plan! I had to argue with her about it and finally had to force myself to just walk out.
I did consider adoption and had to ruthlessly seek out appropriate places to go - fortunately I located the nearest Catholic Social Services who had support groups for birthparents both before and years after the adoption - and other services. In the end, it wasn't for me, but I just wish stronger support WERE there - not forced adoption (we don't need to go back to that!), but presenting true, valid options.
__________________
Garden of Francis
HS Elementary Montessori Training
Montessori Nuggets
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leocea
Forum Pro
Joined: July 14 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 146
|
| Posted: March 10 2009 at 6:59pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wholeheartedly agree that adoption should be an option for many. My mother is adopted, so I am biased that way. :-)
However, most of the unmarried moms that I am acquainted with/related to are in a relationship, and got pregnant on purpose. Or, they have every intention of living as a couple with the baby. Adoption isn't an option to them because the baby is already a part of the family. The grandparents don't even seem that upset!
Making marriage seem more positive would help, I think. A lot of shows on tv and the lives of celebrities show marriage as a temporary situation to be suffered through. Until marriage is valued again, why would they want to get married? Of course, as Catholics it is a sacrament, but many don't follow the precepts, so...
Sigh again.
In Christ,
Leocea
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
crusermom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 09 2007
Location: New Jersey
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 878
|
| Posted: March 11 2009 at 7:54am | IP Logged
|
|
|
My niece (19 y.o.) had a baby last summer. She was so scared that we would all hate and shun her. The poor girl hid her pregnancy for 7 months. When it finally came out, the family rallied around her. There was a shower and it meant so much to my niece that we were all there for her. She needed the support more than the gifts. So, I think showing up (if possible) is important.
Mary
__________________
Mary
Army wife and Crusermom to 8 wonderful children!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Baby shower for pregnant teen?
