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guitarnan
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 5:17pm | IP Logged
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Okay, ladies - my dh is far, far away and I need to figure out what to do. Here's the problem.
My SIL has two children. One, age 23, is living with my MIL. The other is a teen who lives at home. SIL emailed me to ask, in light of the tough times, could we discontinue giving gifts to each other's children. I said yes.
But...I am putting gifts together for my MIL, other SIL and her children (they live a block apart) and realized that my nephew will likely be home (at MIL's) for at least part of Christmas. With no gift.
Complicating matters is the fact that he's lived rent free for a year (he has paid my MIL about $300 total - she buys food, does laundry and lends him her car every day), not to mention the ridiculous situation with his pregnant ex-girlfriend (he has a new girlfriend) - it's hard to feel happy about his behavior, and I have to confess I feel much less inclined to do the polite "everyone should have something to open" thing.
Do I get him something? Write him a letter explaining the agreement I made with his mom (he is an adult, after all)? Do nothing (seems uncharitable, but...and, besides, every dollar counts around here, too)?
I am open to all suggestions - and I humbly ask for prayers, too, to love my family with a truly giving heart.
Thanks...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 5:32pm | IP Logged
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I didn't know he had a new girlfriend! 
I wouldn't give a gift. I also wouldn't give an explanation.
You are always in my prayers!
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 Paula
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 5:33pm | IP Logged
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This is about an older child (not adult) at home.. but might help you think this out.
http://4real.thenetsmith.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=24925&PN=1
Gifts are not earned or deserved but freely given. I would probably give a small something. But I love giving gifts.. even if it's something like I did one year for my BILs (which they loved btw) I gave them rolls of homemade cookie dough.. directions to bake but used the pasturized egg you can buy so that it would be safe to eat raw 
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 5:57pm | IP Logged
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That's a tough situation, Nancy! Could you give him a Mass card? It's what he needs, a good price, and gives him something to open....
Praying for you!
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 6:16pm | IP Logged
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I would love to, Rachel, but he is not a church-goer, sadly.
And I'd love to send food but we're on opposite sides of the country. Otherwise, Jodie, I'd be cranking out cookies...that is a great idea. He isn't the type to wear knit scarves, or I'd make one...
The complications make it hard - even my children are frustrated with their cousin - and my dh (not home, of course) would probably tell me not to send anything. It's not like he has any hobbies I could subsidize - he spends a lot of time hanging out with friends and he lives in a very small town with little to do besides watch movies and, well, party.
Sigh.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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KC in TX
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 6:17pm | IP Logged
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Rachel May wrote:
That's a tough situation, Nancy! Could you give him a Mass card? It's what he needs, a good price, and gives him something to open....
Praying for you! |
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I like Rachel May's idea.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 6:19pm | IP Logged
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send a book about how much a child needs a real daddy?
And cookies can ship decently, even more fragile ones can be packed with tissue to protect them.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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LeeAnn
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How about something for his new baby? Or a book on parenting/fathering in difficult situations? Assuming (hoping) he plans to be involved in his child's life....
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my four children are 17, 15, 11 & 8 - all now attend public school - we read many 4Real recommended books at home
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Betsy
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 6:21pm | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
And I'd love to send food ...
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I would send a bag of M&M's or something like that. Something to open, but nominal in value.
Betsy
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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LeeAnn, you have a great idea - anyone know any good titles? (Not religious, sigh.) He needs help if he's really going to parent this little girl...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Martha
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no, I wouldn't send him anything
he's not a child so he's plenty old enough to handle not getting something
and if not, sounds like it's high time he learned to.
but we're odd.
we rarely buy for any adults anyways. 
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LeeAnn
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| Posted: Dec 08 2008 at 7:35pm | IP Logged
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The Expectant Father by Armin Brott has been around a long time. "Be Prepared" by Gary Greenberg looks like it might appeal to a younger audience with some humor. Just do an Amazon search for "new dad" or some variant and you'll get a dozen or so titles.
Otherwise, perhaps The Baby Book by Sears or a similar general baby care book that reflects your parenting philosophy (What to Expect the First Year, etc).
You can also search for "babies need fathers" and get results about unmarried parent's rights and so on.
Hope that helps--although I haven't read any of these! Another idea might be a board book or picture book that he can read to his new daughter--"daddy's little girl" might be another term to search with.
Be Prepared
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happymama
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My vote would be no gift but a Christmas card with something like "I'm praying for you"
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Angie Mc
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Nancy, at 23 I would send a card to him like I do to other adults in my life who I care for but don't exchange gifts with. Include an adult note with an update and prayers. Will he recripricate? For next year, would he want to join you and other adults in the family for a gift exchange? That might help keep costs down too.
Praying for you (and still praying for the baby and young people involved in the original prayer request.)
Love,
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Angie Mc
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JennGM
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How about sending a grocery gift card to your MIL and then a card to him saying that he's included in that gift?
I know, be charitable.
I wouldn't send a gift, just a card.
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Mary Chris
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I don't think you need to send him a gift. I do like the idea of sending him a book to read to his new baby. Do you have any duplicates around the house that you can send him? Or maybe pick up an inexpensive paperback copy of one of your favorite picture books.
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crusermom
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I think a parenting book would be great. Could be used. Or maybe there is a poem or prayer for an expectant dad you could print off and put in a card ? I would see if there is something I could do to show that I care.
Mary
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guitarnan
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LOL Jenn! 
I'm still on the fence, with dh hard to reach (but he is buying me lebkuchen, so I cannot complain!). I don't want to add to the tension at my MIL's house, but...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Rachel May
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guitarnan wrote:
| I would love to, Rachel, but he is not a church-goer, sadly. |
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I was thinking of my suggestion along the same lines of Jenn's: a gift with a point that he may or may not take. He won't appreciate it, but he needs it! Think of it like one of those ugly sweaters that you get from a family member that doesn't know you well.
I like the parenting book or picture book suggestions too, though.
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Rachel
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Tina
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I like the idea of a gift for his daughter. A picture book would be perfect. That way, he knows you aren't ignoring the fact that he's in that house, but he's a grown up now and the focus should be on his daughter. You could just send him a Christmas card with the "I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers." sentiment. A parenting book for him is a great idea, but he might resent it, and feel insulted. I don't know him, of course, so I couldn't say. But a book for his daughter is a more subtle way of encouraging him to spend time with her. You could even put a note with it saying "I hope you and your baby girl enjoy this book together."
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Gift-Giving - Ethical Dilemma
