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Dawnie
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| Posted: Oct 06 2008 at 8:16am | IP Logged
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My dh works at 911 as a dispatcher. He works 2nd shift (which is 2:30pm to 11pm) and has to work overtime a few times a week. Overtime means he is either called in 4 hours early or has to stay 4 hours late in addition to working his regular shift.
I addition to working odd hours, his days off are Sunday and Monday, which means that he misses out on any meeting/family function that is held on any other evening or afternoon of the week. Thankfully, we do get to attend Mass as a family. 
His job consists of dispatching law enforcement (or fire or EMS) AND answering 911 calls at the same time. As if dispatching officers and other emergency personnel and being largely responsible for their safety weren't a big enough responsibility, he also has to answer 911 calls. These often involove hysterical callers, belligerent callers, un-cooperative callers, or mentally disturbed individuals.
He is often tired due to the odd hours and I think that the stress of the job also makes him tired. I'm sure it doesn't help that our house is small and once our children are up, it gets rather noisy, no matter where he is in the house.
He is looking for a new job with better hours and less stress, but nothing has come up yet. Right now, I'm thankful he has a job at all and I'm trying to resign myself to him staying at 911 for much longer. I'm trying to get out of a negative pattern of thinking about the stress on our family and on him from this job and get more proactive about making it work for him and for us.
What do you do to help your dh when he has a stressful job?
Thanks!
Dawn
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JSchaaf
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| Posted: Oct 06 2008 at 8:26am | IP Logged
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Does he try to go to bed as soon as he gets home? I found that when I worked 3-11pm I needed an hour or two of downtime to relax and process things that had happened at work. Even if I was dead tired, if I went to bed right away I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling stressed.
Does he exercise? That can help get rid of those stressed out feelings.
As far as sleep, the only thing I can recommend is ear plugs and a fan right outside the room and maybe outside time for the kids first thing in the morning while daddy sleeps in a little longer.
I hope things improve!
Jennifer
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 06 2008 at 8:41am | IP Logged
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I think you have the right idea - make home happy and comforting, so that he can shed the job stress more easily.
One important thing is to thank him often for his hard work and love for all of you - men really like to feel appreciated.
When my dh's job is especially demanding and stressful, I try to serve him extra-healthy, tasty meals (he loves veggies!) and give him time to watch football and do other things he enjoys...he has so little time to relax that this really helps him. I also make sure I don't complain about his exercise time - another stress-burner.
One other thought...it's easy, if you're like me, to get into a habit of bombarding dh with scheduling questions, things that have happened at home, etc. At a time when your dh is rested and relaxed, ask him when the best times are to present those items and issues to him - he definitely needs to hear about them and be involved, but there are probably better and worse times to solicit his feedback on the calendar, activities, discipline, etc.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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juststartn
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My DH has the same job...no joke  So I know exactly what you mean. My DH is currently working the 730a-330p shift(he was on the 1130p-730a and UGH!)...we've got Thur/Fri off...so we can make it to Mass together, thanks be to God...
The best thing I do is get the dc out of the house as much as I can early in the day. Wear them out. That gets them away from "Daddy's home!" and the normal noise and issues...and when we get home, we do lunch and then get the youngest 3-4 to take a nap...
Right now, though,this schedule is GREAT. Even the 330p-1130p shift isn't BAD. But that night shift...UGH!!! I dread it! (early Jan-early March, for us)....the *only* good thing about that shift is we get Sat/Sun off...
I insist DH eats as regularly as possible, and he takes a high quality vitamin twice a day. He drinks as much water as I can get down him. I try to make sure he gets a good bit of sunlight, too.
We just started this job in April...so we're still dealing with the adjustments of it all, on top of moving and making preps should the economy go into a tailspin.
SIGH Its a busy life...we've taken to moving our hsing to the days he is on, regardless of when they are (so yes, we hs on Sat and Sun this shift). We get two days off a week, but they rotate.
Rachel
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crusermom
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I have to respect my husband's need for down time. He does not like coming home to a house where everyone is running to activities willy nilly. I have had to cut back on those things. He likes things neat around the house. I try my best here and it makes me work harder when I know I am doing it for him.
I also put up moving from an area that I loved so that he could work in a somewhat less stressful environment. That was a tough one.
I also try to help him focus on the important things. He is a perfectionist at work and that makes things more stressful. I will pray for him.
Mary
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Mary
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Dawnie
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| Posted: Oct 06 2008 at 10:59am | IP Logged
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JSchaaf: sometimes he goes to bed right when he gets home, sometimes not. He loves photography and sometimes he goes picture-taking after he gets off work.
He doesn't exercise. 
He doesn't really *like* to eat right, either. He'll eat vegetables if I serve them, but he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy. He basically refuses to eat breakfast, even if I make something he likes. He is also totally addicted to sugar and caffeine. I try not to keep too much junk food in the house, but I know he buys it at work and on his way to work. He's an adult--what can I do? I figure how he spends his personal spending money is his business. He knows he should eat better, but he's not motivated to do it. He also smokes. Again--he's an adult. I don't like it and he knows that. I've given up asking him to quit. He doesn't do it in the house or in front of the kids.
I've asked him about what is important to him when he comes home from work, and surprisingly, it's not a neat-looking house. He says what is most important to him is that *I* have a peaceful spirit. I know that I need to work on not giving in to resentment about how hard this job is on all of us and the lack of downtime and free time for me. Any suggestions for breaking out of a "poor me" metality?
I guess I'm looking for suggestions about what *I* can do to make home life happier and more relaxing for him and to try to make sure we have family time and couple time. I know it would help him to exercise, eat more fruits and veggies, quit smoking, etc, but I really have no control over that stuff...I can try to make sure he has opportunities for exercise and serve healthy meals at home...but actually doing that stuff is up to him. And he doesn't appear to be very motivated to do those things right now.
I like the idea about earplugs and a fan...maybe that would help him sleep later and better.
And Rachel--how funny that your dh has the same job!
Dawn
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crusermom
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| Posted: Oct 06 2008 at 11:56am | IP Logged
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What works for me to break out of the "poor me" is to really take a good look at how good I have it. I see so many that have it much harder. Being a military wife that is pretty easy. My husband is here (compared to many army wives I know), we have a steady paycheck, free health care, etc.
Asking him what he wants is so important. I know my husband says he wants me to be at peace, but I know he wants me peaceful in a neat house. Do you get to spend much time doing stuff together? How about just sitting on the couch with him? Also, I have really supported my DH desire to deepen his prayer life which has made such a difference. We have adoration at our parish and he tries to do an hour each week. Often I feel, you haven't been home - I need you here - but I know he needs that time with Jesus more.
I try not to pester him. I don't call him at work unless absolutely necessary. I always let him call me. That is so good that you don't nag him about things he already knows you don't like. He has to want to do those things. I know I need to work on that!
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Bookswithtea
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We've lived with weird work schedules for years and dh's job is a high stress one as well.
Earplugs are a *must*, and a ceiling fan and room darkening shades are a must, too. Dh would tell you that its also a must to not let happy children run down the hallway giggling at top volume while he is sleeping, too! 
Make mealtimes when he is home enjoyable. If he loves meat and potatoes, then serve what he likes and add in the healthy elements in subtle ways. He will love you to pieces for thinking of him, and it will help with stress. On days when he isn't home, make mealtimes easy for *you*. Weird work schedules are also a strain on mom, and this is one area where you can reduce the stress on yourself.
Keep the house generally picked up. My dh appreciates it enormously when he comes home if he is not tripping over toys or stepping on legos. A generally picked up environment is definitely stress reducing.
The other thing is to just set your mind, as Mom, that this *is* normal for your family. I know its hard...especially when so many activities assume that two parents are home in the evenings. (  ...don't get me started...) But this is what God has provided for your family. Choose the activities that work with your schedule and skip the rest. If they don't work with dh's work schedule, then God hasn't chosen them for your family. Honestly, I struggle at times with this one. Its easy to see all the other families who are able to do things that we can't, and to feel left out. But God has his reasons, and when I adjust my brain to what He has given us, I do much better, emotionally. And an emotionally stable mommy is the best stress reducer you can give your dh.
{{{hugs to you}}}. Its a mixed blessing, but there are definitely elements of blessing within it. You can pm me if you want to chat more about this...
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Dawnie
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Bookswithtea wrote:
The other thing is to just set your mind, as Mom, that this *is* normal for your family. I know its hard...especially when so many activities assume that two parents are home in the evenings. ( ...don't get me started...) But this is what God has provided for your family. Choose the activities that work with your schedule and skip the rest. If they don't work with dh's work schedule, then God hasn't chosen them for your family. Honestly, I struggle at times with this one. Its easy to see all the other families who are able to do things that we can't, and to feel left out. But God has his reasons, and when I adjust my brain to what He has given us, I do much better, emotionally. And an emotionally stable mommy is the best stress reducer you can give your dh.
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Thank you, Books...this is just what I needed to hear...I need to accept the limitations of his schedule as God's will for my family. I think that kind of mindset will definately help with the peaceful spirit that dh needs me to have!
One of my friends said that my dh deals w/ hysterical people all day long...he doesn't need a hysterical wife, too!
Dawn
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