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juststartn
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 12:05pm | IP Logged
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My sweetie is doing a wonderful job, supporting and helping me and the girls. But I know he is having a hard time himself. I'm trying to not focus just on me and the dc (who seem to be handling it very well, really--only one is old enough to *really* 'get it' )....
Is there anything that you have done to help your dh thru the losses of dc?
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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KerryK
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 5:31pm | IP Logged
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Rachel,
It's so hard. I know that after my first loss, I was in terrible shock (I was 17 weeks along, and naive - we didn't really know that kind of thing happened). It was hard for me to see how much pain HE was in. I think it's great that you are thinking of him right now. I think all men are different. The first time it happened, my DH didn't really want to talk about it too much. He wanted to focus on what he could do (supporting, providing, etc.) because he felt helpless. With each successive loss, we have grown closer, and have really learned how to support one another. I can say that my experience with this has really strengthened our marriage.
I think it helps my DH when I let him now how much I appreciate his support.
I am still praying for and thinking of you!
__________________
Kerry
Mom to
Matthew (10)
Mary (6)
New baby Samuel 2/26/07!
and 9 angels in heaven
The Eyes of My Heart
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juststartn
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 5:47pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, Kerry.
I know it is a hard subject. I've been trying to let DH know how much I appreciate him (I'm a "Words of Affirmation" type, so that helps). Its just we've never ever faced anything like this...you know what I mean.
Rachel (praying for you, too)
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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LisaR
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yes, when I saw your initial post, I thought "love language". Dh is Acts of Service and also Physical Touch, so last night I rubbed his back for a bit and gave some hugs (even though I really did not feel really "touchy" atm..)
today, a rare day that he was not working out of town, he was up at 6am with oldest two ds's to work on building a bridge (oldest's Eagle Scout project).
I know that being outside and helping to "direct traffic" with lots of Boy Scouts kept him occupied.
I think the evening and early mornings are hard for both of us- when it is quiet and no distractions.
I have not started to lose the baby yet, so I am sure we will face another wave of sorrow.
Please pray for us, we have to give marriage Prep talks tomorrow...I am afraid I might lose it.
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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KerryK
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 6:24pm | IP Logged
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My DH also does best when he keeps busy. It is definitely the evening/night that is always harder for us. We try to do little things for each other to bring each other comfort (in my case, it was Ben and Jerry's ice cream, brought to me in bed last night, I brought him coffee and the kids in bed this morning, his favorite way to start thee weekend)
I will be saying a special prayer for each of you at church tomorrow.
__________________
Kerry
Mom to
Matthew (10)
Mary (6)
New baby Samuel 2/26/07!
and 9 angels in heaven
The Eyes of My Heart
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LisaR
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 6:44pm | IP Logged
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KerryK wrote:
I will be saying a special prayer for each of you at church tomorrow. |
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me, too. 
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 8:52pm | IP Logged
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Kerry, Lisa, and Rachel,
I'm praying so much for all of you right now!
Rachel,
I wanted to post this before the boards closed tonight...
Husbands mourn so differently than we women. They feel the pain so deeply, but express that pain in a very different way, often within the silence of their hearts as a way of protecting us and sparing us any more pain. It can be misinterpreted as moving on quickly, but shouldn't be.
Rob remembers vividly the pain of our losses. His focus was on comforting me in any way he could.
My maternal instincts compelled me to pull my children in to me - to mother. Rob's paternal instincts were to take care of his family - to work. I misinterpreted this as him just moving on, as having put the pain behind him. I felt like everyone left me holding the Cross all by myself. I did not know how much Rob was hurting inside.
How do you help your husband through this? Lots of communication, acknowledging his grief by expressing how loved, how safe he makes you feel by working so hard to take care of your family, and a lot of time on your knees.
Rob tenderly listened to me tell him how hard it was for me to see everyone moving on. I confessed I felt even he had left me holding the Cross all by myself as he went off to work. He broke down. It was only then that I saw how much pain he was in. He explained that he was doing what he knew how to do best - take care of his family. But, he deeply needed me to know that he was hurting. He says in looking back, his primary goal was to take care of me, to comfort me.
I believe God gifted woman with an extraordinary ability to love and a corresponding invitation to suffer. Giving my children back to their Creator, back to the Giver of Life was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In my pain, I was sometimes blinded to the fact that my husband was standing there mourning and offering back right next to me the whole time - always the shoulder to steady me, sometimes holding me up altogether.
I have never been more grateful for our Catholic faith than I was when we lost Matthew and Grace. The communion of saints is not only a reality for me, it is personal, it's family! Never have I lived more the words "we wait in joyful hope..."
Praying for all of you throughout this weekend and beyond.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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seven2hold
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Jennifer this is so insightful...
"Husbands mourn so differently than we women. They feel the pain so deeply, but express that pain in a very different way, often within the silence of their hearts as a way of protecting us and sparing us any more pain. It can be misinterpreted as moving on quickly, but shouldn't be. "
...We lost our little jubilee baby in 2000 at 34 weeks. We knew she was sick and would probably not be born alive. Knowing ahead of time (at 20 weeks) was a beautiful blessing to help me prepare my family for our loss.
The greatest comfort came from the book 'Empty Cradle Full Heart'.
Men grieve very differently. Do not interpret his method of mourning as a lack of mourning. Accept one another's differences in love.
When we left the hospital with empty arms, the brand new love that was created for this little girl flowed out of our hearts and onto one another. It was one of the most beautiful and precious times in our marriage.
I am praying for you to be filled with grace for this very difficult time.
__________________
Kathy
Wife to John
Mother to DD(91), DD(93), DD(95), DS(98), DD(00), DS(01), DS(03), DD(05), and DS(07)
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juststartn
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 9:34pm | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies...your words mean so much...
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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KerryK
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| Posted: Sept 06 2008 at 9:37pm | IP Logged
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Jennifer,
So much of what you wrote has been true for me, as well. My faith has really carried me through my losses. Thank you for your words, all of you ladies make me feel less alone.
__________________
Kerry
Mom to
Matthew (10)
Mary (6)
New baby Samuel 2/26/07!
and 9 angels in heaven
The Eyes of My Heart
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Topic: How do you help your DH w/loss of a dc?
