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Vanna
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| Posted: Aug 27 2008 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
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My best friend is a wonderful Christian woman (not Catholic). She divorced her husband about a year ago because he was continually unfaithful to her and showed NO remorse. She has started dating a man (Catholic). She went to see him this weekend and stayed at his home. She said nothing "happened" but I think it's REALLY inappropriate for her to stay at his house regardless of whether anything went on. She said she agreed but he asked her to stay and seemed like it would have upset him to say no. I told her that if he was a good guy with strong Christian values he would understand if she said no...and in fact would not have put her in that position to begin with.
She says she agrees BUT that in today's world people dont' behave that way and she really wants to meet a good guy...blah blah blah.
Sigh. Should I continue to talk to her about this or just let it go? I want her to find a good guy not another creep (sorry, I'm very UNfond of her ex).
What would you do?
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Marybeth
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| Posted: Aug 27 2008 at 1:23pm | IP Logged
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Vanna,
I agree with you about the overnight. I think you can gently and lovingly say your words of advice. Keep praying for her and this new relationship.
She is blest to have you caring for her and her soul.
God bless,
Mb
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cornomama4
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| Posted: Aug 27 2008 at 9:58pm | IP Logged
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Vanna,
You are so good to care so much for your friend.
Have you met the guy? Is he a real Catholic, or just a Catholic in name only (like anyone can REALLY tell). I would say she needs to hold firm to her beliefs about what is right, and not succumb to what "society" is doing. I'm sure it's difficult when she really wants to find someone.
Better that she expose any "creepiness" early on than get all involved and THEN find out.....of course he may be fine and very understanding and respectful of her feelings if she expreses them...hard for him to tell if she doesn't say how she really feels.
Good luck and God bless you for your efforts.
cm4
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Angi
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| Posted: Aug 27 2008 at 10:23pm | IP Logged
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A priest friend of mine calls it a "sin of scandal." Who knows how many people found out she stayed there, that knowledge alone would be a poor witness to her faith. My priest went to far as to say that it is just as bad as if something DID happen, because to the friends that knew she stayed, would assume something did happen.
ETA: I would explain this to my friend.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 27 2008 at 10:38pm | IP Logged
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And you might want to take any discussion into a non-personal direction. Don't talk about this one man.. but talk about *any man*.. come up with situations that aren't just like the one she was dealing with..
Sometimes you can get more caught up in defending the person than listening to and implementing the principle.
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Aug 28 2008 at 1:06pm | IP Logged
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Your friend's situation reminds me of what you hear a lot about why many teenage girls say they have sex...they don't want to upset the boys. They are made to feel obligated.
I think it's very possible that your friend is feeling very insecure. If I were in her situation, I think I deep down I would wonder what was so wrong that my husband kept cheating even though my brain knows it was really HIS problem. I think I would be slightly embarrassed about being divorced and the stigma. And I might be desperate to find anyone who will take me, even if they are unworthy. It's very hard to find dates these days.
If she is a reader, you might suggest a book like "A Return to Modesty" by Wendy Shalit. It discusses how "people don't behave that way" because they aren't expected to, not because they shouldn't. And how having standards of behavior not only protects you from heartache and bad choices, but how if every woman kept high standards then men wouldn't expect so much physical stuff without a commitment.
I noticed that you have a 12-year-old son, so maybe you could casually mention what you plan to teach him about dating/courtship.
In the end, you might have to sit her down for some straight talk. This exactly what I have said with a recently divorced friend who was jumping in very far, very fast with someone:
"I am your friend and I care about you. I can't tell you what to do. You're a grown woman and you must make your own decisions. However, here are some concerns I would have if I were in your shoes of trying to date again,"
Then you can list things like how delaying any sort of physical affection can really be a litmus test to separate the good guys and the bad guys as well as keeping your emotions from overwhelming your good sense.
You might mention that by agreeing to stay at his house it might send the message to him that he can persuade you past other moral boundaries down the road.
That she needs to define what is most important to her in a spouse: Follows Christian moral code? Enjoys to do what she enjoys? Whether she wants a constant buddy or someone who is content entertaining himself at least half the time? And she needs to define her dating boundaries before she starts dating.
Then I finished with: "Again, I am not telling you what to do. I am just giving you some things to think about. If you want to talk about this I am here, but I won't bring it up again."
I really hope that your friend is able to meet a man who is worthy of her.
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amarytbc
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| Posted: Aug 29 2008 at 8:32am | IP Logged
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Her definition of a "good guy" is different from yours. She thinks he fits that definition, otherwise she wouldn't have spent the night at his house. I think your next move is to let her brainstorm with you about what a "good guy" is and how she'll know when she finds him. Maybe you can challenge her a little bit about the qualities of good as your chatting.
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Vanna
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| Posted: Aug 29 2008 at 8:42am | IP Logged
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Great suggestions everyone! Wow!
I guess my main concern is that she has two daughters (they were visiting with their dad when the overnight occurred). I always have this great fear that some child molester will seek her out because she does have low self-esteem (and btw...she is absolutely gorgeous like model beautiful and doesn't see it at all...sigh). I'm afraid she will unwittingly make herself a target.
I told her last night that I love her and am so proud of the way she is taking care of the girls and herself since the divorce. I told her that I pray she will find a wonderful Christian man who will love and cherish her. I also told her that she has a chance to have the sort of relationship she never had with her ex; one where God is in the center of it all and leads the way. But that she must make the choice to put God into it and make decisions that she KNOWS is pleasing to Him.
I'm going to meet this guy this weekend. I will try my best to be objective...but...I just can't seem to shake this feeling I'm getting whenever she talks about him. I don't know. I'm just going to keep praying for her and the girls.
Thanks everyone.
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Vanna
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| Posted: Aug 29 2008 at 8:46am | IP Logged
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Angi wrote:
A priest friend of mine calls it a "sin of scandal." Who knows how many people found out she stayed there, that knowledge alone would be a poor witness to her faith. My priest went to far as to say that it is just as bad as if something DID happen, because to the friends that knew she stayed, would assume something did happen.
ETA: I would explain this to my friend. |
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Oh! I wanted to comment on this directly. I totally agree!! I belive you completely lose credibility as a Christian woman if you are putting yourselves in situations that have even the appearance of something sinful.
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Topic: How to talk to a friend...
