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folklaur
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| Posted: Aug 08 2008 at 9:06pm | IP Logged
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This is like a cross between a plea for help and a prayer request.
My IL are coming. <You can insert the "jaws theme music" here.>
Here is the problem - you know how we always tell our kids that we love them all equally? How there are no favorites? Well, I truely thought that that would be true across the board.
My dh always said his brother was the favorite. I thought he was exaggerating. How could parents have a favorite?!?!?
He wasn't kidding.
And this visit is going to be with IL and BIL/SIL and their baby. We can't wait to see BIL/SIL - DH and his brother have no issues with each other.
But they will be here over BIL's daughter 1st Birthday.
My F&MIL don't even remember when our kid's birthdays are. I usually don;t even have to worry about it, we don't really see them, but this will be like having their faces rubbed in it. Plus, the fact the ds and dd birthdays are a week later and will probably be forgotten.
I need to have a good attitude. I need to let all the past things go (like how MIL freaked that DH was marrying me in a CATHOLIC Church and made a mini scene at one point during the wedding, but when BIL also got married to a Catholic, it was no biggie. How she wouldn't even attend ds Baptism. etc. etc. etc....oh how the list goes on....many little things - and a few big ones - that looked at alone would be okay but there are just.so.many, of them....)
DH never talks to his parents at all unless I suggest he call. He never has since I have known him. He talks to my Mom about stuff, etc, will call her if something exciting happens. It is like it doesn't even occur to him to talk to his parents.
The whole family is not real big on communicating. Which is so hard and weird for me because my family always was, and dh is until his parents are around.
Do any of you have difficult IL relationships? I know I can deal with it, but I want to be graceful and welcoming, and hopefully not so stressed that I end up spending the entire time in the bathroom due to stress-related-IBS.
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KC in TX
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| Posted: Aug 08 2008 at 10:37pm | IP Logged
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No advice, Laura. Just big prayers.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 12:13am | IP Logged
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Gee, Laura, I find out that we do indeed have more stuff in common   . My dh wouldn't mind me sharing that he, too, wasn't the favorite and I was WAY not the favorite with his family. Oh could I tell you stories!
As simple as this is going to sound, just let your dh handle it and follow his lead. Then, concentrate on 5 things, in this order:
Pray.
Take care of your physical needs (excuse yourself gracefully from activities if necessary.)
Be your best wife to your dh.
Be your best mama to your dc.
Serve your ILs as best as you can.
My hope is that your young children won't notice the slights and your oldest is a wise young lady who can handle the slights. I'm praying for all of you  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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folklaur
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 2:43am | IP Logged
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Oh, they won't be here to even see oldest dd. Their first grandchild. They wanted to be here for BIL and so that meant Sarah would already be gone. They were going to come and to be able to see her before she left for college but BIL had to change his plans - so they changed theirs. (which for BIL I understand, as BIL/SIL were hit with the floods in WA and it has been a nightmare for them living in a trailer with a new baby as they were not allowed to legally move back into their house until it was raised three feet.)
They also 1. told dd that they were giving her a car (w/o even asking us if that would be okay? They just called her. When she was about 15. They said it was for her 16th Birthday. She was so excited. I wish I had intercepted that call (but who gives a teen a car w/o even asking the parents if it is okay? I mean, we have to pay to insure, register, maintain it?!? - but I didn't really believe them anyway. Poor dd did. Here she is almost 19 and ready to head off to college and she never did get the car. But they bring it up all the time. I wish they had never said a thing about it to her.)
Please understand, I am not upset that they didn't give her a car. I would never expect someone to give a gift like that. I am upset that they built her hopes up to dash them again (and I never really wanted her to have that car anyway!) I hope that makes sense.
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msclavel
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 7:23am | IP Logged
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I was about to post a bunch of stuff about my mil issues. Decided it would be better to just say I know exactly what you're dealing with and how it makes you feel.
Angie's advice is THE BEST.
I'll be praying.
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LucyP
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 9:03am | IP Logged
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Laura, I have big in law issues too, and dh has medium sized ones with my parents. I will pray for you.
All I can say is that I take each hurt and *try* as hard as I can to turn it into a teaching moment to be engraved on my heart "do this, don't do that" and pray that my children and their spouses won't have the same issues with us.
As I said I will pray for you, and I know you will come through it beautifully.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 12:57pm | IP Logged
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Thanks everyone. It is nice to know I am not alone.  I hear about some people's relationships with their in-laws and I get a little jealous.
Angie - good advice - and thank you! I am printing up your five things on a little index card so I can refer to them when I need to 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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So, ummm, can you "take control" of the birthday celebration? maybe involve your kids? I think perhaps it would be easier for them if they're concentrating on giving a party for the baby than on being left out of other's thoughts?
And the reason we always stay home at Christmas is not the "apparent" one.. most of the time my ILs are great.. but there is those moments when I have to think on my feet to shield my kids from hurtful remarks and ummm "poor catechisis" it's sorta like walking in a mine field.. not many bombs but you never know when you'll run into one.
And to do that I get to tread a narrow line between letting it pass (how dh's family including dh typically deals with it) and not letting things stand unchallenged (kids often understand unchallenged to mean it was right or ok) talk about having to maintain self control I have to be able to state something and then refrain from arguing.. and in my family we often argue and debate things and you don't just let them "lie", though we also don't disrespect each other's parenting enough to undermine what the children are being taught either.
On a positive note.. my oldest daughter was chatting with a couple of ladies from swim team about hunting regulations and the various programs they have and at 11 yrs old totally stood her ground and could not be convinced she was wrong when she was right. And one of the ladies was nice enough to call and let her know that the lady was wrong and my daughter was right about her information. And mentioned what a good thing it can be to not be convinced otherwise when you're right.
So, I know she can do it.. so I just have to be sure she's taught what's right and we should be good to go even from misinformed (willfully or no) relatives 
Then there's the rest of the kids we need to get to that point 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 7:31pm | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
Angie - good advice - and thank you! I am printing up your five things on a little index card so I can refer to them when I need to |
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I do index cards, too  . Believe me, my advice is something I need to take! I've made so many blunders in this area from which *my plan* evolved...well, at least I know what I'm stiving for now, even if my execution falls short .
You all will do great, Laura .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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mama251ders
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| Posted: Aug 11 2008 at 7:22am | IP Logged
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Hmmmm... I think we may have the same MIL, Laura! My dh's brother is so obviously the favorite and our family is most definitely the black sheep portion of the family. I decided a few weeks ago that I was just going to start acting like my MIL and I were best friends when she was around. They were here for our youngest's b-day party this past weekend and I did just that. I literally gabbed her ear off all weekend. After the first couple of hours she quit looking at me like I was a freak and actually started participating. It was the best visit we have had yet! I think that there was always some tension there just because we didn't know how to deal with each other. Someone had to make the first move.
I don't know if that would work in your case, but it couldn't really hurt to try. She already appears not to like you, so does it matter if she thinks you're nuts too ?
Blessings,
Betsie
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Mama to 5 Wonders
Benny, Braidon, Olivia, Anna and Saragh
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Erin
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Laura
I have issues too, not the same but issues. I also have a visit looming, my mil is due in two weeks and is staying for a month!! I am soo dreading it and trying to be gracious about it at the same time. She doesn't like me despite myself twisting like a pretzel over the years to be the best dil. But she means well in her way but I so find it hard to take the criticisms and digs, in a way I would rather her confront head on so we can duke it out
I rang a friend for advice (she is also a mil) I was feeling so overwhelmed, in the last four weeks of my pregnancy I have my mother's wedding, family coming home for wedding, dd's FHC and a homeschooling camp to run and attend and now my mil coming to stay for the last four weeks of my pregnancy and our house is soo tiny. Friend's advice was to pray, pray that mil shortens her visit, is this a terrible thing to pray for? I don't know but I am praying if it is God's will she will do so as a month is a long time. Besides I am a very private person who needs lots of personal space.
Sorry, didn't mean to hi-jack, just wanted to let you know I'll pray for you, whenever I think of my situation I'll add you. So you'll be getting lots of prayers
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: help, IL, prayers, advice?
