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Lisa R
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| Posted: May 27 2008 at 3:53pm | IP Logged
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that is the million dollar question!  What do/would you do?
A little background....my dh is retiring from the Air Force in 14 months (little dancing emoticon here!) and we are desparately trying to decide where to live. Currently we live in Washington state. We've lived here for 5 years now. The longest we've lived anywhere in our 24 years of marriage. We like it here and have made a life here. We've adopted two beautiful girls here, made friends, gotten our boys involved in some great things, owned and sold our first home (moved on base to afford the adoptions). We could easily see staying here and buying another home and continuing the life we've made.
Problem..our entire family lives on the east coast. It is getting more costly to visit, especially in an emergency like a death or illness. If we move, we would live somewhere in the middle of all the places our family is. Most likely Ohio. We aren't super close to anyone in our families except my oldest sister who I see every year. Either we go there or she comes here.
So my questions are to those of you who don't live near family. How do you handle those emergency trips? How do you reconcile in your mind living away from them? How often do you visit? Are you happy? Do you friends just become your "family"? Do you even think about these things or just think you'll figure it out when the time comes?
Thanks for helping us with this. It's driving us crazy! We just don't want to make a decision we'll regret. Is that even possible? 
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 27 2008 at 4:06pm | IP Logged
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A happy medium can work nicely. Having one of dh's brothers living near his parents takes some of the guilt off because we can't run over to help out as they get older but you couldn't pay my MIL to live near us and my dh can't get a job that would let us live near them so... We're a 6 hr drive. That's not as far as it sounds.. we could leave early in the morning and be there by lunch.. or leave at lunch and be there by dinner etc.
BUT my sister recently moved to town and I am just LOVING having family close. I have someone that I don't feel guilty asking to watch the kids while I run errands.. no good reason except that it's easier without kids than with.. someone else I'd have to be doing something that I couldn't take the kids, ya know.
And my nephews are close in age to my kids and they love how much time they get to spend together.
And something that I never expected.. my sister lived with us for a couple months at first when she moved up here (her dh is a truck driver so gone a lot) and she's bonded with my youngest so that even during the age when my babies don't go to anyone but daddy.. my baby would go to her Aunt. It was NICE. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Leslie
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| Posted: May 27 2008 at 4:22pm | IP Logged
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This is a topic near and dear to my heart. For me, it has more to do when our immediate family has a crisis--that is when I really miss having extended family around. When our oldest was going through treatment for leukemia I very seriously considered moving closer to my family--which would have meant being geographically separated from my dh (who is in the Army). I'm grateful we didn't make that decision. Moving onto a military base made all the difference for me. I feel like we're starting to put down some roots here and for the first time in 7 years of marriage this feels more like "home" than where my mom lives.
I wish I could say we have a plan for how to deal with unexpected trips to be with our families. Other than praying our way through each situation, we don't. There have been times when I've ached to be with a family member in need and it just hasn't been practical. On the other hand, sometimes it has worked out beautifully to be there for a graduation, performance or spontaneous vacation.
You've been at this a lot longer than I have, from the sound of it. But, so far the way I've coped is a lot of phone calls, emails and visits when we can. Somewhere along the line it has started to feel less like making lemonade out of lemons and more like enjoying life! It sounds like you have a great life in WA and this isn't a clear cut choice. I'll be praying that the answer becomes very clear for all of you!
Peace,
Leslie
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Leslie
Mom to Kyler 6, Maddie 4, & Lucas 2
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 27 2008 at 7:17pm | IP Logged
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We are in a similar spot...dh will be able to retire in 2 - 3 years; we are all the way across the country from our families, and my mom's health hasn't been great lately. If my father passes away we will have a real crisis. I spent countless hours worrying about how to cope and what to do, and lately I have just turned it all over to God, trusting that He will show me what to do if things go haywire before dh retires.
Even when retirement comes (bizarre concept), we won't be able to live out West because there's no work. I know dh can get a job in Germany the minute he retires, which all of us would like, but that compounds the problem.
I do try to keep $$ on hand for a real emergency that requires flying west. That helps, knowing I can pay for a trip without adding to our debt.
Yes, my military friends from the last 22 years are indeed my family. I celebrate holidays with them, I invite them to sacramental celebrations, etc. Of course, I invite my actual family, too, but we've gone through dh's career with a core group of dear friends, and I will always think of them as part of my family.
We visit when we can. Dh tries to take leave to see his mom when he flies west, unless his job duties don't allow it. I take the kids out every other year or so, and we fly my m-i-l out here as well. My parents visit at least once a year. It's not great, but it works.
A couple of random thoughts...by being so far away, I have a way to escape daily involvement in the (partially self-created) drama of my s-i-l's life. Were I there, it would be much harder to set boundaries, and I would be the cause of family strife because, while I can and will continue to provide loving support, prayers, advice, etc. when asked, I can't possibly assist in the way my extended family thinks I can, financially. I'm so far away that the question has only come up a couple of times, thankfully.
Also, my brother lives in another state as well, and both he and I have tried hard to show our parents that we do plan to get on airplanes if the need arises. Parents need to know their children will indeed arrive if a crisis occurs.
Whether you live down the street or on another continent, these issues and choices are hard. I think anyone with aging parents needs to pray really, really hard about how to handle each situation that arises.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Loren
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| Posted: May 27 2008 at 8:01pm | IP Logged
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Hi, Lisa. James is also planning on retiring next summer or fall. We are looking at places near our families, but not too close. After moving out to South Dakota, we got used to having our own lives so we want to live far enough away to maintain our autonomy. We also want to live close enough to be there when we are needed (or to call on them if we really need someone.)
We figure that a 4-6 hour drive should do it. Of course that also depends on the job market.
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juststartn
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| Posted: May 27 2008 at 9:41pm | IP Logged
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We moved to the middle distance between where my family will be retiring to (MS) and where DHs family is primarily (KS).
I wouldn't mind my parents moving closer to us, but they have already bought acreage in MS, to build on after they sell their properties in GA. So unless they sell that land, they are pretty much stuck there.
Once they move out there, they will be a full day's drive (a good 9-10 hrs). We're 5+ hrs to DHs hometown, so not too bad.
Rachel
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SallyT
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We live in the same town as both our mothers now, but will soon be moving. Until 5 years ago, when we returned from England, we had been far away for the duration of our marriage and our children's lives, first in Utah, then in the UK. Our families live in Memphis, TN.
We both have siblings here who are quite close to our mothers, so someone is nearby if needed. There have been times when it's been hard to be far away: when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, for example, and I was about to have a baby and couldn't travel, I was no use to my mom, and she was frustrated not to be able to be with us when the baby came (that part meant more to her than to me, actually -- I've always been more independent than she really wanted me to be). Now, when we move, we'll be within a long day's drive, so that if something happens we can be back relatively quickly to help take the burden off the siblings who are here. That's the main thing, in my mind: not to overburden the ones who are close, just because they are close.
Living far away, we have always made "family" of our friends, and made our own rituals for holidays. In fact, that's one thing I've sorely missed, living near family: none of our family is Catholic, and because we're always obligated to go to a whole round of Christmas and Easter dinners, those days almost get lost for us in a way that they didn't when it was just us and our children on our own. I'm sad to be leaving my hometown, in the sense that I know that it makes my mother sad to be losing her constant contact with the children, but I am looking forward to reclaiming some of the family togetherness and unity we had when it was just us.
I do love our family, and I do worry about my mother and mother-in-law as they age, and I am grateful that homeschooling allows us the flexibility to deal with interruptions like family emergencies -- if we need to be there, we can be there. For our own sake, I really prefer NOT being quite so close as we have been these five years, though the closeness has had its blessings. As Nancy says, we definitely pray for wisdom in finding a sacrificial balance between the needs of our children and ourselves, and those of our parents as they grow older.
Sally
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crusermom
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Lisa, that can be a tough one. My DH is in the Army too. We are about five years from retirement so we still have time to figure this one out, but we are already thinking about it.
Over the past 20 years, we have lived near family at times and far away at other times. When a crisis hits and you can't be there, it can be heartbreaking. I would love my children to get to know their cousins better. I worry that I should be doing more for my Mom. When I call "home" and everyone is there - it can be tough.
On the other hand, most of my family has very different ways of raising their kids than we do. The one time we visit each year can be a bit stressful because a few of my sibs are very permissive parents. (As in let teenage nephew go in bedroom with GF and close the door!) I am glad that we don't have to battle that on a year round basis. Being away from family has allowed us to meet and befriend other good Catholic families that we have become very close to. DHs family is very anti HSing. We don't have to listen to that every day. They are also not open to life for the most part.
We visit family one time per year. It is costly. I get tix way ahead. We are lucky that we have been able to afford it so far. I try not to get to involved in any of the dramas while I am there and just visit - esp with the old folks.
One other thing, each time we move it tough saying goodbye - but we have always managed to meet another few great families in our new home/parish. So, if you did move back East - I am sure that you would meet some great people.
We also think about the colleges that our dc might attend. We thought they would most likely be on the east coast. Then they would meet their future spouses in college - potentially. Then our grandbabies would be on the East Coast. Probably hard to think about when your oldest is 13.
Mary
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Mary
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: May 28 2008 at 10:57am | IP Logged
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We live about 10 hours and 16 hours driving time from dh's and my family respectively. It is hard, and it is exhausting to visit and frustrating never being able to take a vacation that is truly a vacation since all those funds and days off of work go towards visiting family (which, I admit, isn't always restful, lol).
One thing, though, that we have noticed in living a distance away is that we feel we get to visit with our families better than some of those siblings living close by--especially regarding my dh's family. He's the youngest of 12 and some siblings live within 20 minutes while others are across the country, too. But, take the families that live a little over an hour away. It isn't so far that they stay overnight or anything; so, it is usually a busy holiday with lots of people around that they are there for a few hours or maybe a few hours on a weekend here or there.
However, due to the distance, we have to make those trips count and usually stay with them for several days. This is draining on one hand, but it also means we and our children get a lot of one on one time with grandparents (which is significant when one considers there are 43 grandchildren so far) during breakfast, just before bedtime, etc...
All those quiet spaces of time not available to those living close enough to make shorter visits seem to make a difference in building relationships and gaining insight (I think that dh and I gained an insight into some of dh's parents current struggles during our long Christmas visit that the siblings close by don't grasp because they only see them during short spurts when they are "at their best" yk?).
Just our observations. We do sacrifice being there for a lot of the family events, and it is hard. We've considered moving to Kentucky which would put us 8 hours from each set, making it a bit easier to make the trip to either. It does seem, though, a rather arbitrary reason to uproot ourselves from a secure job, good homeschooling community, etc... However, if dh were retiring as you describe and were definitely in the market for a new job, we would certainly explore options there--I just don't know that we would be exclusive in choosing to be near family.
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Lindsay
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Mary G
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| Posted: May 28 2008 at 11:45am | IP Logged
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We've lived near (and with ) family and we've lived far from family. There are pluses and minuses with both -- great for holidays to be near unless their philosophies are different, y'know?
I think it really depends on the kind of family you have. My side (7 siblings and mom is still alive) have always lived far from each other since we all went to college; dh's side (3 siblings and both p's still alive) are closer but not in each other's backyard y'know? But whenever we've had an emergency or big family occasion (wedding or funeral -- one you can schedule, one you can't) we've always found the time/money to make it work so it hasn't mattered too much yet.
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MaryG
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Lisa R
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| Posted: May 28 2008 at 3:18pm | IP Logged
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So many good replies and much food for thought. Thank you so much.
I guess there's really no easy answer. We'll miss something or someone no matter what we choose. This is so hard.
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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Mary G
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| Posted: May 28 2008 at 3:28pm | IP Logged
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Lisa, as many will tell you -- we move alot and we'e not even military, so each move has been at our expense.
The only thing we've been able to fall back on is our absolute faith that what we're doing is as near to what God wants us to do as possible ... that we're open to the urgings of the Holy Spirit's help ... and also remember that NO move is ever irreparable or changeable ...
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MaryG
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graciefaith
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| Posted: May 29 2008 at 11:43am | IP Logged
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I dont mind living far away. We're not as far as you are from your family but we'd still have to fly to see them. We're in the military so it's something i've grown use to. My parents and dh's parents will visit us a few times a year. It's cheaper that way. My bro will probably come up when my parents visit and dh's parents will bring along my stepson anytime they visit. We as a family will probably get to visit 1x a year or maybe 2x at best. The kids and I can probably visit 1-2x without dh, depending on cost, and we can stay longer.
We do miss lots of family bday parties and get togethers and thats hard. Also, my cousins children all know each other well b/c of course, they see each other often, so when my girls get into the mix, they basically have to reaquaint themselves with everyone.
I personally would not live in this city again. It's not that it's a bad city. My entire family lives here but well, i just cant see myself settling down here. Maybe later down the road we'll change our minds though. I guess we would aim to maybe live in the same state, if our only goal was to get closer to family.
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Roma
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i vote close to the one sister you are close with. we moved away from all our family last summer. there were a lot of things we didn't like about the location we left, but 10 months later those things seem unbelievably minute to having family nearby, especially during a crisis which we did experience without any family. at 4.00 a gallon and rising it isn't possible for me to go home for a visit like i thought it would be. My DH and I are the type though that only let family or extremely close friends watch our kids, so that has been hard too. I've decided that my children seeing their grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles trumps all the reasons we left. And as it turns out I did not like winter as much as I remembered. Best wishes.
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Katie
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Obviously we don't live near our families. It can be hard, and it's a sacrifice, but for right now we wouldn't have it any other way. We love our life, and we love when our families are able to visit the wild and wacky places we live and get a taste of our lives.
One thing I always remind myself - with Skype, email, blogs, digital photos and video, webcams etc, you can stay in touch so easily, and the kids really "know" their grandparents and extended families even though they only see them every year or two or three.
Your friends do become your family. Crises and illnesses, births and death are hard. I couldn't go to my grandmother's funeral, and no one was able to come and help when my last baby was born, just due to circumstances beyond everyone's control.
Enough late night rambling frm me. I hope you are able to settle your heart on a place to call home!
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Topic: Live near family or not....
