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insegnante
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| Posted: May 07 2008 at 9:33pm | IP Logged
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Maybe I am really in the minority here, but it struck me how I keep thinking/feeling this way and wondered if anyone else does. Just been thinking about this subject because I'm not gaining excessively this time (did with my last baby) and I'm feeling encouraged about postpartum weight loss.
I actually don't like it when most people comment on my (real or perceived) weight loss. It's easy to realize they're well-meaning, so of course I'm not "offended" by the typical "Did you lose weight? You look good!" (Which I have heard a lot because my weight has gone up and down a lot over the years, but I also hear it sometimes when it must just be the person's mistaken perception.) I'm seriously planning to lose a lot of weight after this baby is born, and I actually dread rather than look forward to "compliments" from almost anyone. Maybe I am just really strange, but to me it's like a negative side effect of any significant weight loss that people who are not at all close to me will notice and I'll most likely hear about it. I'm well into the obese category, though not "morbidly" so, and it will be a very obvious change if I get anywhere near my approximate weight goal. But generally if I haven't been talking to you about my weight, I feel uncomfortable when you bring it up to me. (Maybe also if I have been talking to you about it, but it's more understandable that you'd consider it an open subject.)
The most uncomfortable incident was several years ago when my husband and I were at a restaurant we used to frequent. The waitress may have been seeing me for up to three years during which my non-pregnant weight had varied by about 50 pounds. After our first son was born (I'd been obese pre-pregnancy and only gained maybe 13 pounds) I'd lost about 40 pounds in 5 months putting me near the weight I'd been when I first ate there. She commented on my weight loss the first time I was there at the post-baby low point. Then we were there a few months later and I hadn't lost more but she *insisted* I had... and she just kept talking about how amazing it was. She even asked if I'd used some kind of weight loss drug. And really, there was nothing to suggest she was actually trying to insult me, but I was so uncomfortable about her possibly talking to me about it again that we started avoiding that restaurant where we had been regulars.
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Theresa
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mama251ders
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| Posted: May 07 2008 at 9:42pm | IP Logged
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I hear ya! That kind of stuff makes me uncomfortable too and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I wonder how horrible I looked before that they are making such a big deal of it now? I know that' not true, but it crosses my mind. I also think that the good stuff is hard to take. Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe." I think she hit it dead on. For me, this makes it hard to loose weight, because I know people will notice and I'll have to hear about it. The only time is did not make me uncomfortable is when my brother noticed. That made me really happy! Weird.
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Betsie
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 07 2008 at 9:53pm | IP Logged
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My weight varies due to pregnancy.. I usually manage to get to my pre pregnancy weight before the next pregnancy.. so while I haven't gained over the last 12ish years.. I haven't been able to lose that extra I started with 
The ones that sorta bother me are the ones that come up to me when I'm 6, 7, even 8 months pregnant and ask me if I'm pregnant.. umm yeah I am but what have you been thinking for the last 4-6 months when you weren't sure enough to ask 
But I think you could appreciate a favorite story about someone commenting on apparent weight loss when in fact I'd gained from my post pregnancy low.
My MIL always tries to tell me how good I'm looking if I seem to have lost any weight at all. And we prefer not announcing a pregnancy until 6+ weeks.. and it just happened that we had a trip planned and I was in very early pregnancy.. and my ILs hadn't seen me in a while.. but I'd shared with dh my concern that I might be showing and we wouldn't be able to wait until our normal time to announce the pregnancy.. but while we were still unloading bags from the car.. my MIL says something about how THIN I look.. and I think dh and I had to hold our breathes until we got in the bedroom with the baggage to keep from bursting into laughter in front of her. 
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TheresaS
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 4:13am | IP Logged
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I've always thought that it was just me who felt this way, I glad to hear that it's not. I don't like comments about weight loss either, to my mind, if someone says how good I look because they think that I've lost weight then they're essentially saying how bad I looked before. I've had 5 children in ten years and also four years ago had thyroid cancer which has left me struggling to lose weight in the post baby period, as a result I'm quite a lot heavier than before I had children - I can't really see that changing anytime soon, at least not until my baby days are over, to me eating healthily, stay active and mainting a balance is what I need to do during this period of my life, but it's a sore spot for me.
When I had my second child, my next door neighbour came up to me as I came home from hospital and said, "Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant" !!!!!! and I was only slightly plump in those days.
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missionfamily
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Oh, High fives to you for saying it out loud. I hate that because I'm heavier anywway and then have been pregnant or nursing for the last 10 years. My weight has been consistent within 15 pounds or so. I'll get on a great plan for losing it and as soon as I lose 15 pounds, I get pregnant. It has happened three times! Anyway, there are a few people in my life who often compliment by telling me it looks like I've lost weight. It offends me to no end. Usually, I haven't lost a significant amount, so it's false, which makes me feel like the only thing about me worth being complimented would be if I lost weight. It's also very personal to me. I don't really feel like discussing it in public in the same way I would if someone liked my shoes. I too know people's intentions are to be encouraging, but it makes me feel shameful and self-conscious. Thanks for putting this out there. It made me feel so much better that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 8:32am | IP Logged
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Since I made a bunch of changes to our diet, both my husband and I slimmed down a lot and we get tons of comments about it. My husband, especially, gets many comments, but I know that no one thought he was overweight before. I think that's why they make the comments--because they didn't think of him that way before so to realize he had weight to lose and really does look healthier is surprising?
Not sure, but just letting you know that I don't think that the comments are always a reflection of people's previous opinions. They may never have had an opinion until they noticed a change.
I can definitely understand, though, how someone could feel this way, though. I will certainly try to be more aware of compliments in the future. I imagine that most people have really good intentions anytime they compliment someone on their looks and don't realize at all that it could be taken as a slight on their looks.
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MarilynW
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 8:41am | IP Logged
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I personally do not think that anyone should make comments about people's weight..period. We have it the other way - eg a few relatives always make comments on "the baby has really lost weight" or child A is looking thin - does she eat enough? etc etc I was always very thin as a child - and I still remember an adult joking about me being from Ethiopia and being very upset about it!
I don't think whether someone looks great or not depends on their weight - I think it depends on their attitude and smile and ability to show interest in others - that's what I notice about people - I can never remember their size or color of their hair or anything like that.
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insegnante
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 9:10am | IP Logged
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That's a good point, Marilyn. It is a little harder to remember since there does not overall seem to be as much negativity expressed toward people for being quite thin, but it's still a pretty personal subject.
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Theresa
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Loren
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 9:18am | IP Logged
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I don't keep track of my weight. I don't own a scale and don't visit the doctor often enough to keep tabs on it. When people ask me if I've lost weight I always answer "I don't think so."
I also don't pay attention to other people's weight. If you lost a few pounds I wouldn't notice. If you lost a lot I might notice. I guess it would be better for everyone to keep the compliments to "You look really nice today," and leave off the questions or comments about how that miracle was accomplished.
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TheresaS
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 9:40am | IP Logged
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My eldest boy is very thin, but perfectly healthy, I was a thin child too and dh is very slim still, and we've had lots of comments about him not eating enough (ha, ha he eats like a horse) he finds it a bit upsetting, the others are all going the same way as him as they get older so I'm sure that we will have more of this to come. I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves.
My parents on the otherhand have been dieting for as long as I can remember and woe betide anyone who doesn't notice when they lose a few pounds. Funnily enough when it goes back on they wouldn't want anyone to comment. Unless it's my parents I wouldn't dream of mentioning someones' weight, most of the time I don't notice unless it's really dramatic.
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Taffy
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 10:30am | IP Logged
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THANK YOU for posting this Theresa! I used to think I was the only one who felt this way - it's good to know that I'm not as strange as I thought!
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 10:35am | IP Logged
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I guess I'm think a little differently. I've been clinging on to extra pounds for a few years, now have the extra baby weight and I am feeling very low and overwhelemd at ever losing it. I'm very disheartened at my gift for Mother's Day will be new clothes for the summer because nothing fits -- and not the everything-is-too-loose-kind-of-nothing-fits.
When I am successfully losing pounds, I'm thrilled when people notice. It's recognizing the hard work that goes into losing the weight. My mother started losing some weight, actually lost 25 pounds, and had to brag to her children that she was, because nobody was noticing. And I felt bad that I didn't notice to give her positive reinforcement for the great job she was doing.
I only expect the comments from close friends and family, who know me, who truly know the struggle and the effort -- sincere compliments, not just acquaintances or people looking for something to say.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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Oh, I didn't even think about that with this thread.
Comments on thinness.. My kids are very thin as well.. so was I until I was 12/13
And it annoys me to no end to have people rave over how lovely and thin and blah blah blah my daughter is.. because what if she rounds out like I did with puberty.. gets the hips and bust and even when thin looks "plump".. is she going to be able to look in the mirror and see how healthy she is and how she's the right weight? or will she fuss and worry over not being pre-adolescent slim???
We've taken to talking with her about it.. how people change in shape.. we tease her a bit about being so skinny (less positive word than slim or thin or slender or whathave you) but basically, what we're trying to do is to keep the ideas that the world around us is trying to plant in her mind from taking root.. and we're blessed to have several older girls who are not small girls that she looks up to some being strong and athletic and a good weight vs being thin from diet.. and I know that will help too.
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Veronica's Veil
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I understand how you feel and I think, for me, it depends on the person commenting and my relationship with them...the waitress thing is very strange to me. I would be uncomfortable with that also!
However I began my weightloss journey in January this year and have lost 27lbs so far and 6 inches off my waist and would LOVE for someone to notice to give me encouragement to go on! So far no one in our hs group, church, or neighborhood has noticed or said anything. Only my Dear Mom So I think it all depends...
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folklaur
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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In the past year, I have lost about 30 pounds. But because I carry my weight weird anyway, I have only gone down about 2 sizes - actually more like 1 1/2. I think that is dreadfully unfair   . It would be nice if someone noticed and said something encouraging, but no one has....
It is so funny how we all perceive it differently! I would have never in a million years guessed that someone would be offended by saying that they looked nice/had lost weight! Now I feel terrible. I certainly wouldn't be thinking all those additional things (that they looked bad prior, etc.) I wonder how many people I have unintentionally offended by the different things I have said...goodness, sometimes I think I had better not say anything to anyone ever, as I am sure to offend someone..
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MarieC
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 4:44pm | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
| I would have never in a million years guessed that someone would be offended by saying that they looked nice/had lost weight! Now I feel terrible. I certainly wouldn't be thinking all those additional things (that they looked bad prior, etc.) I wonder how many people I have unintentionally offended by the different things I have said...goodness, sometimes I think I had better not say anything to anyone ever, as I am sure to offend someone.. |
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That's just what I was thinking while reading the other comments!
I haven't lost any weight in a long time but I sure like the (what I perceive to be) positive comments.
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LLR4
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 10:04pm | IP Logged
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I see it quite like cactus mouse. I feel that when people mention to another how great they look, or even ask if they have lost weight or something, it is meant in a purely complimentary way. I can't imagine they ever thought before that you DIDN'T look good. It's just more like a MOMENT that the appearance of the 'new you' has hit them. I know I have knowldged people's weight loss with compliments and encouragement such as "Good for you for working on a healthier lifestyle. Many of us can take encouragement from you. Keep up the good work!"......or anything like that. I too would hate to think they actually felt uncomfortable, or offended that I was saying anything negative about their prior state or choices.
I am wondering: If one does not WANT one to notice, why bother losing weight, or getting our hair done, or anything we do for our appearance? If someone says "I love your new haircut!!"....Do they mean they did not like our hairstyle before? I don't think so. I think the new hairstyle just caught their attention, they thoughtitlooked nice, and they said so.
Another (heavier) thought: I once knew a woman who was quite overweight. I also knew that she had been sexually abused as a teenager, and/or had experienced very inapporopriate come-ons from trusted individuals at a young adn confusing age, and it very much effected her life, and her perception of men. She was very spiritual (some would say 'religous'...not sure I like that word). She once confided in me that she had a hard time finding incentive to lose weight, because she did not want men looking at her, and noticing her in an attractive way.
I share that, not to pointedly ask anyone if they might feel the same, but just as 'consideration'. Sometimes we feel uncomfortable about attention on ourselves, and we don't really know why. But just as we should dress in a conservative way as to not provoke anything unwanted, or dishonor our bodies as the temple of God that they are, maybe the positive attention that shedding pounds can bring is similar for some. What we must remember, I think, is that people feel good saying nice things to others, and praising their efforts and accomplishments. And we should do our best to live a healthy lifestyle and care for the 'temples of God' we have been given, as the gifts that they are. Do not feel shame or embarassment over the attention it brings -- You just might inspire others to do the same. Just say thank you, and feel GOOD about it, if you can. That's what the compliments are for I think.
I hope that wasn't more than I should have said. I am new hear, and I just like to encourage people and life them up, as the gifts of life that they are. Sorry if I babbled, as I always do late at night. 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 08 2008 at 10:34pm | IP Logged
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A lot of the time it's not the simple comment.. it's the going on and on and ON about it.
there's lots of reasons to lose weight.. for health reasons, perhaps a diet mandated by a health issue such as diabetes, just normal post partum weight loss, because your clothes don't fit and you can't afford new ones, because you feel lousy and want to lose some to feel better.
It's just not all about looks or wanting attention.
And not all compliments are intended as compliments.. which can also color a person's perspective.. there are some people who will compliment you on your weight loss for the express purpose (often noticed in attitude or body language) of telling you that "it's about time you got with the program and did something".
Just as not all sharing is because someone is excited over something but rather because they think you should do it too.. for instance my MIL was getting into a controlled diet thing that limited her to something like 1400 calories a day.. now my dh is a firefighter and I was pregnant and nursing at the time (plus everything else I do) and both of us because of our activity levels needed 3000+ calories a day to maintain our weight.. but over a lovely steak dinner at which dh and I both ate a whole steak she was busy telling us about this diet and portions sizes and her and FIL both ate a half steak.. now dh and I are used to her and it's water off a duck's back but there are often other motives to many people in what they say than the apparent.
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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CrunchyMom
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JodieLyn wrote:
| but there are often other motives to many people in what they say than the apparent. |
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Its too bad that a few bad experiences can feed our insecurities and make us suspicious. I know that what you say is true, and I have had various comments (not always related to appearance) where I wonder "what did they really mean by that?" But I'd like to think that most people have good intentions most of the time and would be devastated to learn that someone was insulted or hurt by what they meant to be a compliment.
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Lindsay
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Topic: comments about weight loss
