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amyable
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 11:04am | IP Logged
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I was going to say "Who do you debrief with" but then my dirty mind thought it sounded too much like a euphamism. 
Seriously though, I'm curious how all of you deal with talking about things that happen in your day. As an example - you had a bad day with a particular child, or your grandmother called and begged you yet again not to let your dad put her in a nursing home, or even just a bunch of "little things" happened ... or even the good stuff - the new box of curriculum came, you had an interesting epiphany about a problem you've been having, discovered a new bird at the feeder  ...
Is it the nature of women to want to discuss these things? (or is it just me?  ) What do you do? Do you call your mom? Dh? A friend? Email someone? Tell God? Nothing? If you do nothing, is it because you feel no NEED to talk through things with someone or because you don't have the "someone" to work through things with (pardon my atrocious grammar! )
For those that use one of the above outlets, do you worry that you are burdening someone too much by saying negative things (even if it's not all the time)?
Inquiring minds want to know what other women do.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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JennGM
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
Is it the nature of women to want to discuss these things? (or is it just me? ) What do you do? Do you call your mom? Dh? A friend? Email someone? Tell God? Nothing? If you do nothing, is it because you feel no NEED to talk through things with someone or because you don't have the "someone" to work through things with (pardon my atrocious grammar! )
For those that use one of the above outlets, do you worry that you are burdening someone too much by saying negative things (even if it's not all the time)?
Inquiring minds want to know what other women do. |
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Yes, it's in the nature of women. My previous spiritual director would say the women need an outlet to talk out things, so encouraging the husbands to let them have female friends.
And I do all the above, Amy. I talk to my husband, mother, sisters, friends, email friends, phone calls.
It's a sign to me of a good friendship that we can share things, good and bad. It's a two way communication where we listen, empathize, sympathize, rant, cry, laugh....
There are some subjects I don't broach with everyone, or don't do it with everyone at the same time. For example, if I know someone is having many crosses of their own, down in the dumps, I let her do the talking, and spare her all my dirty laundry for another day.
For those that are closest to me I've heard it both ways when we can't handle the extra discussions, due to emotions, etc. It's not always perfect communication, and I don't mean to paint it out to be.
The hard part is making sure it doesn't deteriorate into gossip or worse.
Not sure if I answered your question?
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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amyable
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 11:33am | IP Logged
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Thanks Jenn, that's exactly what I was wondering.
And for the record, this is more of a poll - more of "me being curious" than "me having a problem that needs fixing" (for once )
And here's a question I meant to have in the opening post: How often do you talk to others like this? Several times a day? Daily? Weekly? Never? If it's often, how do you find time - how do you work this need into your other routines/family's needs?
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The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 12:26pm | IP Logged
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Usually I *go over things* with dh in the evening. Often we do this while taking a walk, but that is because our dc are old enough to be left alone. Even when they were younger, though, we would walk and talk and they would ride their bikes ahead of us.
Anyway, at times talking with/at dh isn't the best solution. He also has things on his mind from his day at work; which we also talk about. But when things involve *him* too directly, it isn't always best to bring up how frustrated I am until I've worked through it to a certain extent. I may feel like I need to do that talking through with someone else, but I really don't have anyone to do that with. Mostly I try to get some quiet time, maybe journal and pray. Sometimes, too, if what I need to talk out involves the dc or school, I talk with you all.
Peace,
Nancy
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Mary G
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 12:33pm | IP Logged
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Usually my dh (God bless him!) gets the brunt of my whining or cheering about things ... but then MaryM also can get an earful at times (either pm'ed, emailed or IRL!)
This is definitely a natural thing for females ... and a natural thing for the male counterpart to help us avoid gossip or negativity by listening to us up to a point ... at least that's what dh does for me (again, God bless the man!)
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my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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mary theresa
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 1:26pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for this post!!
Amy, I love how you put things!
Yes, well. I FREQUENTLY resist the urge to call my MOM and complain/vent/whine to her. How much of a baby am I??
Realistically, since i really CAN'T do that to my mom -- she's still got 5 kids in the house--my husband gets the main part, but he really hates it and can zone out. So, yeah . . . I need to figure something else out for both our sakes.
I could write more, but I gotta eat something while my kids are sleeping. Maybe later, cuz dealing with this and figuring out what is necessary/healthy/okay/appropriate etc. as been on my heart recently.
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Mary Theresa
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Mare
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
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I learned in high school how wicked some females can be when it comes to sharing things with them. Things shared in confidentiality became topics of the rumor mill.  Before I met my dh, I journaled everything as a letter to God. That really helped me then.
Now I share everything with my dh b/c I still have a hard time with sharing things with other women. I've tried it a few times and things get passed on to others and then things get misconstrued. 
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Dh gets the majority of my confiding, he knows me better than I know myself. His opinion however is often too biased, he's passionately in love with me so I rarely do things he doesn't approve of. He also doesn't get the benefit of reading blogs/books/ etc that I do so he's not always sure of what to recommend when I have a homeschooling question.
I am extremely cautious when it comes to my girlfriends. I have two very close friends but the relationships have taken years to grow. My 2 friends keep me balanced and are so helpful to bounce feelings/ideas off of. Good friends are rare, I've met some, what my friend calls "Snaps", in my day. You think you know them and then one day it's WHOA! they "snap" on you.
I appreciate a friend who I can whine too and share joys with, one who won't compare herself to me, but really love me with a sincere love.
I have one other confidant, my "little" brother. He is always right there for me when I need to whine, talk, laugh, whatever. I called him recently after having a baby and was going through some major hormonal mood swings. After listening he said, "I heard about this thing, uh, postpartum depression, and I like think, like since you've had so many children, maybe it's like , um, building up inside you, like roll over minutes or something." I stopped crying and just laughed and laughed.
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Michaela
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Everything goes to God and DH. Both know my heart and I can be open without feeling judged and wondering if my words (sharing that part of me) will be understood or twisted.
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stefoodie
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God and DH. After that it's my mom. Occasionally dd if it's age-appropriate. And then I have 2-3 friends that are close confidantes, but since we all live busy lives I try not to bother them too much with what I know is whiny stuff. But sometimes you just have to, ya know? 'Cause that's what close friends are for...
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stef
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Tonya
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This is a very interesting topic. I, too, have found that female friends can be tricky to confide in. Sometimes things shared in confidence can be used against you at a later time. I have found that as I have gotten older, I have become more wary. I do confide everything to my poor husband but he is very good at making the right comments even though he is most likely zoning out!
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Taffy
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Another one who whines to her dh and God too. It would be nice to whine to someone who I can tell is actively listening to me though . I know that God is listening but it can be hard to get a sense of it at times. And dh generally zones out.
I had thought of blogging to do this but repeatedly find that either I can't find time to get to the computer or that things are too personal to share online comfortably (which is why I'm a terrible blogger ). I've thought about carrying a journal around to whine too. It seems to be the best option for now...
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Mary Chris
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Well, I do talk to my dh and God about everything. With dh being gone this year, I am trying really hard to be positive when we talk on the phone. There is not much he can do and he has other stuff to worry about without all the day to day stuff. So, Elizabeth, Irene, Jenn, Rachel, Maryan all of you, and anyone who happens to call are getting the brunt of it.
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Veronica's Veil
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I do all of the above and it somehow never works out anyway, I try to talk to DH but his mind is swimming with work...all.the.time. My Mom doesn't get it, she wasn't exactly an involved Mother and has NO CLUE about homeschooling...etc... and I have no sisters, SIL, or real life friends to talk to...I have some nice acquaintances through our homeschool group but none I really know well enough to share with. I really think this is the HARDEST part of being a HSMom. I struggle with this daily. I lay it all at the foot of the Cross. And in times of rejoicing, I sing praises to Him for the good fortune just experienced.
But I still wish I had another person to talk to 
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Paula in MN
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Hello!!!! I whine to everyone here!!
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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Cheryl
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Amy,
Talking things out is important to me. I think that God works through people. I have three close friends that I trust and can confide in (often for different situations.) I also talk with my sister once or twice a week. I find in the afternoon, while I'm folding laundry, to be a good time to talk on the phone.
I also can call my dh anytime at his work or on his cell phone, but he doesn't always answer. Sometimes he'll call me to talk about his day when he's driving in the car. (It's still legal around here.) And then I can do a short homeschool vent if I want to. We also talk almost every night when the kids are asleep.
I don't consider it whining, usually. If I'm sharing my feelings with someone or talking about choices I have, I think that it's healthy. I think of whining as complaining about things that you have no control over.
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Cheryl
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Who do you whine to?
