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Syncletica
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 3:25pm | IP Logged
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Perhaps I'm being silly, but my husband would like to go out for a romantic night at a hotel, just the two of us. He suggested I start feeding the baby (5 months) bottles. (I'm not sure how to store pumped breastmilk, have never had reason to do it). My silly problem is that I'd feel so worried and concerned about my little baby. Instead of it being a relaxing night I'd be too concerned about how my children are all doing. Dh says he'll keep me too busy to worry about him.  I said I didn't know who would watch them (5 children total) and want to get up with a baby overnight, and he just said let him deal with it. There's almost no one I trust to watch my children. I should be elated to get a break, but with a baby still so young, I feel guilty. WWYD?
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LisaR
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hmmmm. I'd compromise, and bring baby along! It has been SUCH a treat the few times that dh and I have gotten away with "only" one little one overnight .(usually a work related conference for him and baby and I tag along)
At least for us, there still seems to be plenty of time for romance compared to when multiple little ones need you 24/7!
I nurse my babies til they are about 14-16 mo. Even then, it would be hard for me to leave an under 2 y/o overnight.
I am so much more relaxed when baby is with me. Plus, then the "pressure" is off the oldest sibling to try to make an unhappy-missing-mommy-baby happy!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
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I'd probably let him get a trusted sitter for the older 4 and take baby along...I'd feel just the way you've described.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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jdostalik
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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Dear Friend,
You are not being silly. You are nursing your baby and your baby needs you. BUT, your husband needs you, too. Compromise...take the baby along like all the nice ladies here have encouraged and you will still have oodles of time for a nice romantic dinner, etc. Five months old is a perfect time to take a little one out...they are big enough to take a longer nap in the afternoon and small enough to nestle in a sling and sleep through dinner! Prayers for you! 
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Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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Syncletica
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 3:52pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, ladies. I should add, that when I mentioned taking him along, it wouldn't be a big deal, dh said he just wanted it to be the two of us. But, I would nevertheless still feel guilty. So, hopefully he'll be willing enough to accept the compromise without being mad at me and then decide to drop the whole idea. SIGH.
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Barbara C.
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I agree with the others to compromise by taking the baby with you. Here's the thing, if you are not used to pumping, it is not just as easy as hooking up a pump.
First of all, your body has to be told to create extra milk in order for you to be able to store some with out depriving your baby of a meal in the meantime. This usually means that you need to pick a time when you are normally really full and pump before you nurse, and you need someone to keep a hungry and possibly cranky baby occupied while you pump. And then you have to pump consistently for maybe up to a week or two to keep your supply up and get enough to cover all the time you would be gone.
Your breasts also have to get used to the different type of suction from the pump. Hand pumps are cheaper but they take a long time to express, especially when you first start out. In the occasional times I tried pumping the odd bottle, it used to take me about 45 minutes to get 4 to 6 ounces. An electric/battery pump is supposed to be faster and more efficient, but is also expensive. Some hospitals and pharmacies will rent out the basic unit, but you have to buy sterile supplies.
The other thing is that even if you build up a milk supply in the refrigerator or freezer, there's no guarantee that your baby would accept the bottle when you are gone. You would probably have to work with other people feeding the baby a bottle for a few weeks to get him/her used to it (maybe your oldest child). You would need to be completely out of the picture, because why would a baby who is used to the snuggly tap want to drink it from a bottle when the snuggly tap is right there?
And if your baby is not used to being away from you at all that might be a problem in and of itself. We tried to go out with friends when my oldest was about 5-months-old, and Granny came to stay with her. The baby cried and cried and cried the entire time we were gone. She kept signaling for Granny to take her through every room in the house looking or us. She wouldn't eat or be distracted in any way. Granny finally called us after an hour and a half of non-stop crying. As soon as we walked in the door, the baby got a huge smile and stopped crying. My second baby might not have done that, but we never really tested it out.
If your husband insists, you may want to clarify that you will need his assistance and the extra stress it might put on you and the baby. And for me, personally, it would put a damper on the whole romantic evening before it even began. And that doesn't even include the separation anxiety I would feel.
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teachingmyown
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I don't leave a 5 month old to go to the grocery store! Really. You just need to convince dh that the baby won't make that much impact on your time together. Otherwise, I would tell him that you and baby are a package-deal. He either takes the whole package or nothing. 
I know that a lot of people do this sort of thing. We are often encouraged to "get away" without the kids, even when we have a baby. It is a lie of our culture. I can see how one can be lured into believing it, but it isn't the best thing for the baby, or you for that matter. Especially in the case of a nursing baby, I think it is selfish to leave baby behind. The time will come soon enough for that couple time (at least until the next baby!), you just need to convince your dh of that.
Maybe he just really needs to know that you WANT to spend that romantic time together even if it isn't feasible right now. I know my dh feels neglected when we have a new baby. I need to be extra careful to show him that he is still "my guy". Then he is more patient waiting for his turn again.
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anniemm
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I think that you have received some good advice that I agree with. Personally, I would not leave a 5 month old over night. My youngest is 8 months right now, and I still wouldn't. She would consume my mind and my husband would be intensely disappointed! I agree with other ladies' suggestions of taking the baby, and I also understand your husband's hesitance.
I just wanted to also bring up the misery of not nursing all night long if you are used to it. If my baby skips a feeding, I get so full that it is just completely distracting. Also, for a romantic night, I wouldn't be able to focus on my husband if I had to keep pumping or being embarrassed that I was leaking!
I hope you guys get it resolved! I wonder if there is a way for him to "pull out all the stops" on a romantic evening at home once the children and baby are in bed? There would be a good place to put all that creative energy rather than trying to find someone to watch the children!
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SuzanneG
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I like what everyone else has said already.
I think it's great that he's offering to "deal with finding child care," so let him have at it!
I would be excited (even if I didn't think it was the BEST idea in the world ) about getting away with him and say you really want to do it too, but the only way to do it is WITH the baby, as the baby has to EAT!!! Like Barbara said, there is a very small chance that at 5 months, you would be able to get that little babe to take a bottle.
The older four will be fine. It's usually the care-givers I worry about .
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chicken lady
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
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SuzanneG wrote:
The older four will be fine. It's usually the care-givers I worry about . |
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Me too!!
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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It sounds like everyone else has already given you good advice. I would 2nd or is it 3rd, that it is hard to just "stop nursing" even if you are pumping etc. You will just get all engorged and in pain which can actually lead to a serious breast infection. I stupidly left my TWINS home to go to the Seton homeschool conference a few years back. (I knew I could not take both, and I could never decide between the two, (felt guilty) so I would just leave them both with Dad with formula. Obviously, I was sleep deprived in those days.) Anyway, I didn't have a pump, but thought I would only be gone a few hours. We ended up getting lost on the way home and hit a bunch of traffic on a one lane road! (2 lanes, one way each) I was nearly in tears by the time I got home, and I could not even touch one side of my chest I was in so much pain.  I had to have 3 different treatments of antibiotics to get rid of the mastitis that resulted, (this was just one day for about 5 hours, mind you.) and STILL have scar tissue I can feel down deep in there that flars up with each new baby.
So, sometimes husbands don't understand that nursing is a relationship. You and baby have a "deal" so to speak. You make the food but baby relieves all that pressure that can build up if you don't nurse and pumping isn't as easy as it looks and a little less than glamorous. I think they think we are just being silly or making a big deal out of nothing. It is a real physical problem that you would be facing most likely.
I think someone was right about them feeling left out. Start paying more attention to him as far as one on one time prior to the trip so he isn't placing all his hopes and dreams on that one weekend. Then, he will probably be more willing to go along with baby in tow. (Hopefully, he won't think this is patronizing as far as advice. It sounded like I was talking about a kid. Sorry!! ) I think sometimes it is easier for husband to disengage from the baby/kids because they have to to go to work daily. They are not insensitive etc. It is just that they HAVE to do that so they are easily able to switch gears. It is SO hard for me to go out for a few hours without the littler kids. Even by myself, I noticed that I have to have "stages of leaving" which I think drives my husband nuts. If I go shopping or something,I have to give him the "babysitter list" of things to "watch out for" that I feel he might not know since he isn't here as much. (Ex: "Baby has really been into this or that lately so watch out, o.k.???" Things like that.) He is sometimes offended that I treat him "like a baby-sitter", but it is mainly a way of my being able to let go for a few hours and leave in peace.
Anyway, there is no way you can go and just forget about the baby. That is why you are the mother with mothering hormones that prevent that from being possible. There is even that song you can tell him, "Would a mother forget her baby?.....Yet even if she forget, I will never forget My own." See! Everyone knows that it is just impossible because God set it up that way for survival of the human race!!! So, you are going against instincts as strong as his instinct to take care or you and the family etc. I am sure he will understand. Baby probably may be a little fussy out of his/her element, which is always frustrating and may lead to a "see I told you we should have left the baby at home" feeling, but just try to relax as much as possible, and then baby will be happier.
What a treat though! Just tell him you are so excited since it sounds like fun, but you will be relaxed if baby is along etc. I am sure he will not mind after all. What a neat thing for him to want to have you to himself!!  Are you close enough that you could leave baby at home for a few hours the first day and then go and get him/her later??? That way you could have a romantic dinner or whatever and then you could still take the baby later. Just a thought. That way, you can start off with some time alone, but then just pick up baby later and continue with the weekend. That way, you both win!
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Maddie
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Two years ago last summer my dh was encouraging a romantic dinner away but I wasn't comfortable with idea. I was still nursing and we had just moved to a new area and didn't really know anyone I could trust with my babies. I surprised him on our anniversary by cooking a big Italian dinner and setting up a shabby chic looking table with antique chairs in our garden. I put up the tiki lights and set up our CD player with Frank Sinatra playing in the background. I also bought 2 cheap new plates and 2 wine glasses (so it would look different). We were out until midnight talking and enjoying our "romantic night out". I gave the children lots of movies and tons of donut holes to keep them in the house, my oldest was 15 at the time, so I did have that help (they were actually our waiters/waitresses  )We came in at one point and put everyone to bed, then headed back out for more wine and romance.
I did run in the house once to nurse and check on everyone, but it was an awesome night and we plan on continuing the tradition as we enjoyed it so much!
If you had teens or someone you "kinda trust but not well enough to leave all the children with" this might be an option. Then if all babies are in bed after dinner, you could have sometime together.
Just an idea!
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Kristie 4
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 10:11pm | IP Logged
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I would have to say that if it was me I would have to bring the baby. I know that I couldn't relax with out him- but each of us is different!
As an aside....leaking breastmilk all over the place can sort of cut the romantic mood at the restaurant anyways
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Syncletica
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I want to cry. I just got off the phone with him. (he's been working out of town since the end of January with only a couple weekends off.) He's not too happy that I insist on it being the 3 of us. After much silence, he said, "Well, I was trying to plan a night for the 2 of us, now I guess it's 3 of us." I didn't know what else to say, I don't explain myself very well sometimes, and we really lack good communication. It's virtually non-existent for us. Even after almost 8 years of marriage.
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Syncletica
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When I tried explaining things, one of things he said was, "He's almost 6 months old." Meaning that, 'he should be fine to be bottle fed and left alone for the night.
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JodieLyn
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I'm sorry you're having such a problem. Honestly, the baby will be more fine than you would be.
I had to have surgery when my oldest was 6 months old.. she did perfectly fine with my dh.. I on the other hand was having to wake up at night after surgery enough to pump during the night.. and I was still leaking all over the place.. and uncomfortable!
Could you approach him about staying nearby.. so that you could only come and get the baby before you were planning to sleep? So that you'd both sleep better (especially you).. you could even drop baby back off with the babysitter after you get up in the morning so you could go out to breakfast alone or such.
Explain to him that you want to spend time with just him. But that there's physical problems for you that make it very difficult to manage. Not just worry over the kids. That with pumping you'll be getting less sleep than normal, and may need to set an alarm to keep from soaking the bed. That you'll be uncomfortable, perhaps in pain, pumping isn't the simplest thing in the world and doesn't work near so well as the baby. And that it will be anything except a relaxing trip for you without the baby. And then suggest that perhaps you could stay nearby so that you could get the baby for sleeping and nursing at night so that you can avoid the physical problems and still spend most of the time with just him.
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LisaR
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I am so sorry that the communication is not going so well. It sounds like you two have not seen much of eachother lately, and that must be so difficult!
This might just not be the right "season" to be getting away totally alone together, and it must be frustrating for your dh, who has not spent much time with you lately at all, to think in that way.
praying for you!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Michaela
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 11:58pm | IP Logged
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Syncletica wrote:
| he said, "Well, I was trying to plan a night for the 2 of us, now I guess it's 3 of us." |
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I'm sorry both of you are feeling upset over this.
I do not have wisdom and experience many of the moms have here so please forgive my simpleton response....... after reading this twice, the postive thing I see is that your husband really wants to spend this time with you...he didn't say "forget the whole thing"....no, this isn't what he planned, but he still wants it to happen.
I pray that you and your husband have a wonderful time away together.
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Michaela
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guitarnan
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I like Jodie's idea...be close by so you can pick up and drop off baby.
I think Barbara said everything I would say about stopping breastfeeding/pumping; it definitely is not a quick transition.
Prayers forthcoming!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Syncletica
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Yea! I think any grudge holding will be gone. My dh called me this morning to say that work was going rough so far, and that he's going to get a room in the nearest city with a jacuzzi suite..(eta: not that the 2 have anything in common...just that that's what he called to tell me)..and no mention of being upset that baby will be coming! Happy Ending after all...so far!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: what would you do?
