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Becky J
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| Posted: Nov 18 2007 at 11:57pm | IP Logged
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St. Katherine Drexel is famous for saying "Ours is the spirit of the Eucharist - the total gift of self." I think she was speaking in regards to her order, but certainly we as wives and mothers are called to give that same gift. For that matter, our husbands are called to do the same as husbands and fathers.
But my husband and I are really struggling to give more of ourselves to each other in respect to time, and I'm wondering if any of you more experienced parents out there have any advice for us.
We have two small children, ages 3 and 1. Because we have only two children, and are not yet homeschooling, we probably have more "disposable" time than many of you do. Figuring out how to divvy it up fairly is causing a lot of conflict for us.
I used to assume that because a husband was away from his kids all day, he would want nothing more than to spend all his time with them after work and on weekends. But this is not the way my husband feels. He feels like fathering is a second job, just as tiring as his day job. He says he enjoys playing with and caring for our kids, but I get the sense that to him, a truly restful weekend for him would involve him getting to come and go as he pleased, with me watching the kids constantly.
I say that realizing that in the most selfish part of my heart, I am no less demanding: nothing would make me happier than his willingness to watch the kids the whole weekend so I could accomplish whatever I wanted to do.
Neither of us actually does expect the other to do all the work, and we talk over and over about trying to find a balance between his desire for a "break" and my desire for a "break". (We also talk about hiring a babysitter or finding a preschool for our older child -- so either he wouldn't feel bad about leaving me alone with the kids for long periods of time or I wouldn't get to the end of a week feeling so in need of a "break". Neither of those options has worked out so far.) Both of us think we're trying hard to accommodate the other, yet one or the other of us always seems to feel resentful or "cheated."
The only solution I can come up with to this conflict is to storm heaven with prayers that I might become more giving, more patient with my kids, more willing to give that "total gift of self" and be the caregiver for my kids 100% of the time if that's what it takes to make my husband happier. But I am very far from being at that point and wonder if anyone has advice for getting to that point.
Thanks much for your time!
Becky J
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amyable
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| Posted: Nov 19 2007 at 7:36am | IP Logged
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I don't have any great advice, but I wanted to send my support. How I remember those times of having "only" a 3 and a 1 year old. I put "only" in quotes because, boy, was that hard!! It didn't *feel* like only 2. Looking back on my mothering career so far, having 2 kids under 4 was the most draining thing I've ever done. Even having a 4, 2 and 7 week old seems easier in comparison because I have two olders to help (and maybe a little more experience on my side - but I don't think it's just that)! While not everyone feels the same way depending on their circumstances, I have talked to many women who are now moms of more, that have said the same thing.
I wish I had some magic words to help - when I was in your shoes I felt the same way, as did my husband. Basically, we just plowed through none too gracefully. 
I've written and deleted the rest of this post three times now... everything I'm trying to say is ringing hollow.
Basically, since negotiating time off doesn't seem to be working right now, I would try to focus on ways to make your time with the kids less draining. For me, that means less "playing" with them and more getting them involved in my activities - housework, crafting, reading, etc. And juducious use of videos! 
Make sure you are getting enough rest - ask dh which housework he considers more essential to his happiness, and let other things slide if they stress you out. Here, my dh loved a decluttered foyer and diningroom, but could care less if I dust! So that slides for now.
Find what you need as a person - is it lots of quiet? Time out with other moms? Time to do creative things? Exercise? Figure out ways to get those needs met with your kids around. I'm sure we can help come up with ideas here if you need them.
I'm drawing a blank for now (the kids just got up and things are going downhill fast without me!) Hopefully someone else has good ideas!!
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Nov 19 2007 at 11:49am | IP Logged
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Bill and I just discussed this yesterday since often he does let me go out quite a bit on the weekends, but he works long hours and does quite a bit at home too. In the early days I had a hard time not being resentful because--in my mind--he could walk out the door without knowing if or when the twins were fed or had their diapers changed or had taken naps. Even when I was "off", I wasn't off. But that's a reality of parenting I think. Once you've had kids, neither of you will ever walk out the door again without at least some sort of checking in with your spouse. So, we've slowly worked out a system that we are living with, but it isn't perfect.
He loves and needs exercise. I do whatever I can to make that time available to him, and he tries to choose to do it at times that are easy for me too, either by getting up early or going during naps or after bedtime.
I need time to be alone, either to exercise or run errands (not grocery shop) or to see friends. I time my outings during weekend naps mostly.
The weakness has been that I get to go out quite a bit, but he never goes out just for fun (partially his personality). So yesterday we decided we would try alternating weekends for us to go out for a fun activity in addition to exercise. I'm also working on trying to need less time alone, and he is working on trying to not feel guilty that he is sticking me with the kids or a bad father if he chooses to out on the weekend for a few hours after he's hardly seen them all week.
Good luck. I'll pray for you! 
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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SusanJ
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| Posted: Nov 20 2007 at 11:55am | IP Logged
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We also have a 3yo and a 1yo and this issue has been a struggle for us at different times. Right now we each take one kid for all of Saturday morning. I go out for coffee at Barnes and Noble and sit with a book while dd plays at the train table and then we go to the grocery store. I had initially wanted these mornings to be my "time off" and agreed to take dd only as long as I needed (she still nurses a lot). Dd's personality does not seem like one that is going to suffer being left with the boys any time soon, however, so I've changed my attitude and made my Saturday mornings a girl's morning. This simple change of attitude has made grocery shopping with my 1yo seem like a treat for both of us. I find that most of my burnout feelings are a result of my attitude. I don't know your personality or circumstances, of course, so I'm not saying this problem is your fault, but I've spent the last year praying in an intense way about my vocation and I've seen it bear fruit in my attitude.
Have you read Holly Pierlot's A Mother's Rule of Life? Not everyone likes her scheduling ideas, but the last chapter in that book on the vocation of a wife and mother is one of the best things I've ever read on the subject. She also discusses her mother's sabbath. Every other Saturday she takes the entire day off--leaves all the kids with dad and comes home whenever she wants. This idea would not work for our family and parenting style and, really, I don't need that much of a break to feel refreshed. Holly gives her husband the same courtesy the other Saturdays and lets him spend the day exactly as he pleases.
Sundays around here we try to see as a family day (in addition to the Lord's Day, of course). We try to contribute equally to the necessary chores so that everyone gets some rest. We have our big "Sunday meal" on Saturday night and Sunday we eat leftovers so that we have time to go out in the afternoon and I don't have to cook.
I dont' know if any of this is helpful, but I wanted you to feel supported. I'll pray for you and your husband. I know how challenging this can be!
Susan
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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folklaur
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| Posted: Nov 20 2007 at 1:10pm | IP Logged
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This thread has gotten so many hits (over 100!) but not many replies.
I have had it on my mind for a few days, since I first read it.
And so now I am wondering...
is it silly to say that if I have "down time" or "me time" - the person I really want to spend it with is DH? I just enjoy things more if I have him to share it with.
Not that I don't enjoy some time with other moms - but I get that at homeschool outings (pre-homeschooling there were Mom's Groups, but actually, one of the local homeschool groups I belong to has a sub-group just for families that will be homeschooling altho they don't have school age kids yet. It makes it nice, as so often in traditional Moms Groups all the kids start going off to preschool and that makes it so hard for those who choose to homeschool.) But, really, if I have time to go do something fun, or to do nothing at all, DH is really the one I want to be with. It just isn't as much fun to do stuff without him.
Of course, it is always nice to have some time to read or something, but....( I am, as usual, having a really hard time trying to put into words what I am trying to say...)I only usually want that for a short while (even with being a total introvert in personality). I really like doing things with DH. Even doing nothing at all.
Of course, with little ones - that is hard. We are so lucky that my Mom lived close-by and would take the children for the morning or what-not and give us that time to re-charge together. Even just a few hours of adult conversation or going somewhere and then we felt refreshed, and better able to do our jobs/vocations, KWIM?
We never have really done the "trade-off" thing, except for occasionally, maybe. I know his job is stressful, and when he comes home he needs to unwind to really be "here" for us. I remember many many years ago when our oldest was little, and I felt like, "But I never get to 'leave' my job!" Well, yeah, that's kinda true.  But, if he wasn't "out there" working all the time, I wouldn't be able to be home, doing what I really want (being a homeschool Mom!) I mean, I am sure if given the choice, my DH wouldn't choose to drag himself out of bed everyday at 5am, and spend hours & hours away from home.
I think some if it must depend upon personalities too. My dh is hands-on in that respect...he is ds Den Leader, he likes taking little dd to Gymnastics, or going to older dd Band and cheering her on. He is just built that way. I'm glad because - and here is a bit of terrible honesty -- I don't like going to those things. I do when I have to, but - yes I am a horrible Mom - going to those large functions DRAINS me emotionally.
I guess some of the "me time" he gives me is going to those functions, and letting me stay home with the other kids ! Not really "alone time" - but it meets my needs, if that makes sense....
Dh just walked in, and I said, "Hey, if you have free time, no strings, would you rather do something alone, with your buddies, or with the kids/me?"
DH: You guys.
Me: Why?
DH: Because that's just the way I am
So, I do think some of it is just personality, and what the particular person needs emotionally - and that will be different for everyone.
Okay, this has gotten too long, and I know I have not articulated myself well at all, but hopefully you will understand what I am trying to say.
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Nov 20 2007 at 1:27pm | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
| is it silly to say that if I have "down time" or "me time" - the person I really want to spend it with is DH? I just enjoy things more if I have him to share it with. |
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Absolutely not! Which is why I hit this post but didn't reply. I didn't know how to. Me time? What's that? The focus on myself eventually shifted to my family, so imperceptibly I didn't even notice it. Can you do something together or alone when you pop the kids in bed? At the ages your kids are, there should be at least two good hours between their bedtime and yours. And I don't want to scare you Becky, but as your kids get older, they start to stay up later and ... oh boy! ... is your time ever limited then! My husband and I are able to go out now every so often but it is expensive and I like to hang out with the kids more often than not. It just gets a little sticky when we're trying to surprise them.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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SusanJ
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| Posted: Nov 20 2007 at 1:55pm | IP Logged
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I'm glad more replies are coming.
Can I add--though I know this is veering a little off-topic--that my dh and I found that part of our problem was not making space for each other. We are like Laura in that we would usually rather hang out together and we have really missed our kids the few times we were ever out alone.
But we just started ending our evenings thirty minutes earlier and meeting on the couch with tea to just have a few minutes at the end of our day. Between the kids' bedtimes and then we are both free to do as we like (with chores and individual prayer lives this sometimes leaves no free time). I think this conscious giving up of thirty minutes for each other and our relationship has helped with our overall attitudes towards free time.
Susan
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 20 2007 at 2:42pm | IP Logged
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Tina P. wrote:
| Absolutely not! Which is why I hit this post but didn't reply. I didn't know how to. |
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Same with me, Becky. I've tried replying to you several times, but my answer isn't helpful to finding a solution.
Right now, my little one needs my attention. I'll try to come back to post.
One thing I will type is our expections have changed, but it wasn't easy for us either. Now, however, DH and I are similar to what Laura posted.
I get two hours a day of me time....alone time...but it's not what everyone wants to do.
I'll be back.
I've taken too long already, Teresa is getting upset with my slow typing.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Bethany
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| Posted: Nov 20 2007 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
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This is a difficult one. I'm a complete introvert, so any "free" time I might have I want it to be by myself or with DH. I really need time everyday, alone, just to recharge. Spending free time getting coffee with other people would make me crazy. Actually, when mine were that age my down time was nap time. I didn't spend the whole time doing chores or really any for that matter. Nap time is still a pretty good down time for me. I make my 5 yo at least lay down and look at books by herself for an hour or so. If I lost that I'm not sure I would make it to DH getting home.
They also go to bed pretty early, so DH and I both take 30 minutes or so after they go to bed to do whatever we would like. He usually gets on the computer for a few minutes while I get ready for bed and read or knit/stitch. We don't go out alone hardly ever because a) it's too expensive and b) were both homebodies. I have just recently started grocery shopping alone on Saturday mornings, which is a relief and a break for me. It had gotten just too difficult to shop with the girls by myself during the week. I think this has really reduced my stress level all around.
I know my resentment towards my husband has gone down with each child and now is almost non-existent. I think it may just be part of getting used to being a parent. My third daughter was by far the easiest transition. And I'm just beginning to get a little nervous about having #4. But I do think 1 & 2 are the hardest, so far .
I don't know that I offered any great advice, but my experience is that as time goes by and you possibly add another child/children, this kind of becomes a non issue. I think at some point I just accepted that this is where my life is now and it won't be forever. It's like I tell my husband when he's frustrated because their right under his feet, try to appreciate and enjoy this time because there may be a time in the not so far future where they don't want to be near you.
Oh, and also, being the late pregnancy hormonal mess that I am, I've been acutely aware of no matter how hard I try to be conscience of their time as babies and toddlers it's gone before you know it. My oldest is only 5 1/2, which most people consider very young, but when I look at my 2 yo, I realize the time since my oldest was 2 has flown by with life and I'll never see it again. 
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Negotiating "free time" with husbands
