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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 1:58am | IP Logged
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Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with my Mom? She is good at laying on the guilt. Presently it is in regards to being together as a family. She wants some holidays with me and my siblings. We are all married. We all live in different states(NH, NC and OH-parents in VA)I have the only grandkids--sad, but true. I finally realize I am never going to meet her expectations about visiting unless I show up on her doorstep every day.
Impossible, we are hundreds of miles apart.
She grew up with all her relatives in the same state, most in the same town. My sibs and I are all over and my brother is a teacher--so we try to get together at my parents in the summer for a week-but, I go for the week and sis, who lives 1 hour from mom, shows up for a few hours. Brother is usually there almost the whole week. But his wife and mom usually end up not talking the last day because they have a disagreement. Mom now wants a holiday of her very own. I worry if we try to decide on one we will have to deal with her wrath if for some reason we cannot make it one year and the reason isn't good enough for her.  It is really sad to me and I am praying.
I know others have parents that do the guilt trip. How do you handle it?
She continues to give me a hard time because we did not go out this summer for the week. We went for Easter instead and stopped in our old hometown for a few days to visit old friends and the kids got to play. We were with her less time than our friends and that upsets her. In reality, my kids get so bored because they have no cousins and are just hanging with adults the whole time. I thought the trip worked great since they got some serious playtime and we also spent Easter with my parents, and sister(who only stayed for lunch). I also drove myself and with a 4 year old and 9 year old that was hard!!
I am trying to come up with a solution and thinking there isn't one and I should just visit when I can and if the others come, so be it. And not let my Mom get to me.
How often do you see your parents? I also have in-laws and they are half the drive so we might see them a little more. I think she resents that. My parents do come about every 3 months to our place and I thank them profusely for driving and making the effort to see the kids.
I think of putting my kids in school more to have people not take advantage of us and having an excuse for these issues  than for other reasons.
Any ideas would be appreciated...
Anne
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 7:52am | IP Logged
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Have you talked to your siblings about this? Does she lay the guilt on them, too? Is this a problem you can solve together? Seems like your sister gets the sweet end of the deal, as she is allowed to just pop in and out.
I'm sorry that your Mom acts this way. I have a bad feeling that short of re-arranging your entire life you will never please her. You may have to just accept that, or let her continue to make you feel guilty.
Are there any special activities that you can set up for your kids while you are visiting? Trips to a nearby museum or amusement park or some other learning experience?
I am lucky in that my parents are really understanding. We live in Illinois and they live in Kentucky. It's about a six-hour drive. They come up to visit about three times a year, and we try to go back about once a year. But we usually only go for about four days. It's usually a whirlwind trip as we try to work in visits with the immediate family and all of our friends in the city; then we go out to the country to spend the night with my husband's grandfather. And sometimes we try to hit our college town that is another two hours down the interstate to visit friends and former professors down there.
My mom wishes that she could be closer with my girls, but she also understands that we really like it up here and my husband has a good job that just isn't available in Kentucky. My mother-in-law moved to up here a year after we did. On one hand my mom wishes that she could spend as much time with us as my mil, but my mom is also really reassured that we have her up here for support. She has two other grandchildren, but they're both almost grown (17 and 20).
Good luck!!
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 9:46am | IP Logged
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She does it to everyone. i am just more "sensitive."
My Mom does complain about the other siblings too.
i try to "plan" things for my kids when we are there but travel and just their activity level exhausts me. No one can keep up with them
It is much easier for me to just stay home. 
But I keep on trying.
Anne
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aiereis
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 9:50am | IP Logged
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I tell my parents that it is just too difficult traveling with small children, especially in the winter. We always tell them that we would love to see them though so they are more than welcome to come to our house for the holidays. Also, my families traditions aren't the same as my husbands, so we want to start our own family traditions which blend what my husband and I did growing up. I think our parents understand this.
She grew up with all her relatives in the same state and/or town, but if they hadn't all been together she wouldn't have seen them. Most people didn't travel hundreds of miles with children for Christmas. With easier transportation it has become more common, but it is still tough with kids.
Christina
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Maryan
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 10:20am | IP Logged
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Oh Anne, I'm sorry. I have a different situation. Both my dh's family and my family are pretty tight knit (we each have 6 siblings). My folks are also 67, so I live in fear of the day when I won't be able to go see them. My kids are always begging to go see Gramma despite the fact that they hate the 7 1/2 hour car trip- she's just that fun, even at 67.
We personally work it out that we do Thanksgiving and Easter in CT; we all try to vacation together for a week or weekend (whatever each family can work out) in the summer. We do Christmas and other holidays with dh's folks here in NOVA. My mom was gracious enough to say that she never expected us on Christmas because she knows that it's easier to do Christmas in your own home.
As far as advice -- I don't know if the regular plans help my folks that way they *know* they will see us and never have to ask?? But they also never lay on the guilt.
This year due to pregnancy, I unfortunately, won't be able to travel and while they are disappointed, I know they understand and will be down here for the Baptism.
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Maryan
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Martha
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 10:40am | IP Logged
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I think you should discuss less with them.
For example, if you spent more time with your friends on that one trip - I wouldn't have discussed it at ALL with your mother. She can't resent what she doesn't know. 
I wouldn't commit unless I felt I could honestly do it.
Honestly, I think she's a bit impractical. My goodness, it's just my dh and his parents and it takes at least a month ahead for us to get together for a night. They only live 30 mintues away!
People have their own work and lives to plan around and your homeschooling doesn't change that. It seems unreasonable for your mother to expect everyone to cater to her. So if you can commit to a holiday, say thanksgiving or better yet 4th of July, then I'd do it.
As for kids getting bored, well I honestly wouldn't care. Not everything can be fun. I'd let them take a few things, but I'd also expect them to entertain themselves to some degree. 4th of July would be great. It's summer. It's fun and exciting to celebrate for all the kids. No holiday nuttiness to deal with like at christmas.
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Martha
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Mary G
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 11:16am | IP Logged
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Anne, believe me I understand your feeling guilty. When we moved back west, we left all dh's family in NC/SC ... as well as my first dh's parents in Ga ....
What makes me a tad irritated (ok, downright mad!) is that the relatives expect US to go see them! But all the grandparents are retired and have more funds and time than we ... but we're supposed to visit them....
I've tried to explain that my little would LOVE to have them come see where they live ... their room, house, yard everything that makes their world their world. My inlaws say "can't" "don't have time" etc and since my dh is a school teacher, they know we have the summer -- but I just can't do that drive anymore!
So, no advice, but lots of sympathy, prayers and understanding! 
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folklaur
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 11:21am | IP Logged
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My dh's family lives a state or so away, and we only see them a few times a year. If that much. But dh doesn't really talk to them, either, it is just a weird family dynamic there. They do invite us up there (and ask to take the kids, even when they were like 2 years old, up for "a few weeks." Problem is, to the kids, they are basically strangers. ) They also have a "family reunion" every single year. We have never gone (dh doesn't want to...). They will also show up completely unannounced. Once we were leaving for a trip, and they called from a few towns away to announce their arrival, and we had to cancel the trip. It is just a weird situation there.
Now, my mom lives here, about 10 - 15 minutes away. We see her all the time. Every week, a few times a week, we go to church together, etc. Our upcoming move is being terribly hard for the kids, me, and her. Tho she would never say that, she just goes on about how happy she is for us, and how wonderful the opportunity is, etc. But, sometimes, I see her looking at the kids and getting teary-eyed. She is already talking about how she will come up for holidays, etc. She knows it is much easier for her to come then for our whole family to travel (plus dh still needing to work, etc.)Even when my Daddy was still alive, and they were still in NJ while we were in AZ, they traveled to visit our kids all the time.
My Mom always says to me that my dh & my kids are my family, and their needs have to come first. Even when dh got the job in NV, and I was upset, and said something about staying in AZ becasue of her and my brother, she said, "No, you have to do what is best for your husband, and your family."
Even though I know she wishes we weren't leaving...
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humanaevitae
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 12:06pm | IP Logged
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This is my opinion based on my own experience and relationship with our parents.
When we lived 6 hrs away from both sets of our parents, we visited them 3 times a year. Dh only made it at Xmas although we tried to take our summer vacation with one of our parents.
When I was growing up, holidays were all about getting together with extended family. I have many fond memories of playing cards with my Grandma and marbles with my Grandpa.
I always try to remember that someday I will be the Grandma. Of course I will want to see my children and grandchildren.
I think it is great that they come to see you. That is also important. However I personally would make sure to see them for 3-4 days every year. If I didn't have health/money reasons that prohibited me from going more, I would try to do it twice a year. I would bring games for my kids and encourage them to play with their grandparents. Do your parents have ideas of activities they want to do with the kids? If they don't, I would just start scheduling some. "Mom, child 2 and I were hoping you would help us bake those special cookies you always made!"
I think family is important. I hope my children are learning that often our elders are lonely and crave little people to share their memories with. Someday I will be an old lady and I hope my children will put themselves out to visit me and make me still feel important. I would be hurt if my dd spent more time with friends on her vacation than with me. (sorry)
Now I do understand if a parent is impossible to please. I would still make my 1-2 visits to model to my children and give myself a clear conscience. I wouldn't feel guilty because I know I'm doing my duty toward them.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 12:40pm | IP Logged
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You all have some wonderful perspectives.
Thank you for sharing.
Maybe we should go back the the old "rules" we established when we got married.
-we stay in our hometown for Christmas and will visit close family at dinnertime. Right now that means no one
-we travel for Thanksgiving. We were alternating family.
So now we might need to put Easter in the mix. Maybe, since my family is Catholic and it is important to my parents(and me) we could do Easter at their home. Even if it is only a long weekend. Though I do miss seeing our church family for that holiday, but our Easter season is gloriously long. Maybe make Thanksgiving for visiting his family.
It is a start. Thank you all for your help--and letting me know I am not alone in these challenges....
Anne
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: Oct 30 2007 at 4:12pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Anne, you are so not alone!
We live in TX. My parents live in Alabama. My in-laws are in North Carolina.
It's never easy, is it?
The nice thing is that I have three other siblings with children right here in the same town.
Family is important, but it's also important to respect each other. It sounds to me like your Mom is having difficulty respecting your needs, while laying on some difficult demands (Been there with in-laws).
As far as your children getting bored, I DO understand. They're little! Your older child is just now getting to the point where some amusement is possible (reading, drawing, etc.) but your younger one isn't going to understand/accept long stretches of sitting around while the adults talk. It sometimes happens with older relatives that while they *want* the whole family around, they're not all that practical about what the youngest members can or should do--and it's very stressful for Mom in that situation if she feels like any whining or complaining is unacceptable on the one hand, but actual normal childhood play is *equally* unacceptable on the grounds that it's too noisy/messy/distracting to the adult relatives.
Hang in there--and God bless! 
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: The guilties
