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folklaur
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| Posted: Oct 29 2007 at 12:35am | IP Logged
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Oh, please help.
We have lived in AZ for 18 years. We have moved all of one time, across town, when AerynClare was born five years ago. My kids are 18, 9 and 5.
My 5yo dd is a wreck. She is crying all the time. She is begging us to stay in AZ. She doesn't want to leave her Grandma (my Mom, who she sees 4+ times a week and sleeps over at often.) She doesn't want to leave her friends from Girls Club (with our Catholic Homeschool Group). We tell her she will have new friends. She wants her old friends. She will burst out crying suddenly for no apparent reason. She asks dh to please "keep his old job." It is breaking our heart.
My 9yo ds has Asperger's (considered a mild form of autism.) He has not really verbalized anything yet (though he doesn't usually anyway...) BUT he is being very whiny for him, and very sensitive and easy to cry too.
IS THIS NORMAL??????? I am trying so hard to be upbeat and positive, but they are wearing me down...what can I say, or do? Does anyone have any experience with this that can give me some advice?
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MaryM
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| Posted: Oct 29 2007 at 3:13am | IP Logged
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Oh, Laura. I'll be praying for you and the kids in making this challenging transition. I don't think I can really help - we have been in our current location about the same amount of time and I know my kids would have a tough time moving. I did move several times as a child though. My parents always did stress the adventure and new opportunities perspective for the children. My mom worked really hard at presenting the "upbeat and positive" as you describe, though now as an adult she has told me how hard it was for her. I never sensed that at the time. So definitely your mood and attitude can make a difference even if you don't feel like it does.
It was hard and I did miss my friends but with time always enjoyed the new location. I do think it is very normal for kids to react the way you describe. One advantage you have is the distance will still give you opportunity to return for frequent visits. I never lived within 4 hours of my old home. I would stress that part of it and how your friends/family can visit you in this new fun place, too.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Oct 29 2007 at 9:40am | IP Logged
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Here is a resource for military moves with children geared towards kids. Here is another one. Since military types move a lot there are a lot of resources online about how to do it with kids. They may give you ideas about things you haven't thought of yourself or things we forget to share. Good luck!
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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JodieLyn
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First off, I would let them have their grieving times..
"I don't want to leave my friends" I would meet with something more like "I know, it's very sad to have to leave them. What do you think we can do so that we stay in contact with them?"
And at other times.. I would be on the computer with things like "hey look, this new town has a ________ that will be so fun/such a great place to meet friends/ so exciting"
You need a balance in allowing them to grieve the parting.. but also giving them the good things to look forward to.
And being very firm in that "this is our decision and NOTHING you do or say will make it change"
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 29 2007 at 12:27pm | IP Logged
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We made a big move almost 3 yrs ago...2500 miles across the country. It was a very different experience for my kids than it was for me as a child (Navyman's daughter).
Homeschooling made a HUGE difference...mostly because their fears about "everything" changing were overblown. Their daily lives didn't really change that much because it wasn't an issue of new schools. I mention that only to say, it could be worse! 
We talked *very* positively about the new location, about all the wonderful opportunities we would have. We also mentioned some of the negatives of where we were living, not to run it down, but just to help a bit. This one is a judgment call to make...depends on how enraptured your kids are with their hometown.
We stressed the adventure of the whole thing. We packed fun bags for the trip, bought a new game to play in the rooms when we got to hotels...stuff like that.
We didn't talk with the younger ones about the whole thing at once. We just took one step at a time and didn't focus more than about a week into the future (we only had about 12 weeks to pick up and move).
We expected weird, whiney, teary eyed behavior, and tantrums that didn't make sense. Some kids are just more attached to their bedroom, their yard, etc, than others are. Some kids are more excited about change and adventure than others are. We tried to minimize the triggers when we could. And once we had acknowledged what they were saying and offered some encouragement, we changed the subject. Some kids will *dwell* till the cows come home and that's just not healthy. Distraction helps.
We did try to give time for grieving and ask what we could do to make it better, but it was a done deal and we made that clear by stating, "This is what God is calling our family to do. So that's what we are going to do...just like Abraham!"
It was weird to be in a new area...new grocery stores, new doctors, new roads, etc. Its hard on everyone, including mom who is trying to keep everyone stable.  When you get there, be gentle on everyone. Try to keep some sort of routine that is similar to the one you have now. Make comfort foods for dinner or eat at places that everyone recognizes, even if its McDonald's. Let them watch tv (within your rules about what is family appropriate of course) because, well...sometimes a distraction and something familiar is a comfort to little ones. After all, Dora is still Dora, even in Nevada.  Expect a year of "I still miss xxx." I was amazed at how long one of my dd's still missed park days, our old house, etc.
The other thing I did was to try to get involved in the new hs group as soon as possible, even in temporary housing. I did a bunch of online research ahead of time to find the local group and contacted the leader by phone before we moved, when I could. That gave me something to say that was positive before we even left..."Did you know the hs group out there does xxx every other Friday? Doesn't that sound like fun?"
They will recover. I had a traumatic move as a 7th grader, way harder than what my kids went through (at the time their ages were 11, 8, 5, 2, and 7 mos pregnant). I cried every day for 6 months. But it didn't scar me for life. I recovered. I made friends. By the time my dad was transferred again, (end of 9th grade) I was sad to be leaving that place!
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 29 2007 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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Read the Berenstain Bears Moving Day and the Judith Viorst book about Alexander who doesn't want to move.
Often.
More.
The feelings and behaviors are normal; everyone grieves during and after a move. Things are never the same.
Think about giving your children disposable cameras to record the move and print photos for Grandma and friends. (AND DO IT...don't be like me and forget to follow through!)
If finances permit, pack a special new family game for that first night away from the old home. Apples to Apples is hilarious.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Oct 29 2007 at 5:51pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
First off, I would let them have their grieving times..
"I don't want to leave my friends" I would meet with something more like "I know, it's very sad to have to leave them. What do you think we can do so that we stay in contact with them?"
And at other times.. I would be on the computer with things like "hey look, this new town has a ________ that will be so fun/such a great place to meet friends/ so exciting"
You need a balance in allowing them to grieve the parting.. but also giving them the good things to look forward to.
And being very firm in that "this is our decision and NOTHING you do or say will make it change" |
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I agree. All the advice your have received so far is sound and helpful. Yes, all these mixes of emotion are normal...growing pains for sure. There is an art to respecting feelings about moving in a tender way and being strong so that children can feel safe and secure. And this is going to look differently for each family, each child. Just don't be too hard on yourself as the mama, OK? Having moved so many times, I came to find much consolation in the idea that God is taking care of each of us tenderly as we move. I stopped putting too much pressure on myself to "help my children through moves." We are honest and positive and keep the children informed. Yet, I learned that even when I goofed, somehow, God made up for my inadequacies. Here's one of my favorite moving stories about me goofing and the goof being OK...
Our family had just moved from a lovely and active town in California to a rural and remote location in Nevada. We made this move for financial reasons and neither my dh or I were thrilled with it. My oldest was ~4 and we had kept up a very positive front with her through the planning stages and the move. After living in our new home for a few weeks, I was still keeping up my positive approach, pointing out all the wonderful things about our community...but I was struggling. One day, I went for a walk around the block with my dd on her tricycle. All of a sudden, out of no where, she stopped in her tracks and started screaming and crying..."I HATE IT HERE!" Without a thought to proper parenting techniques and with complete sincerity, I hugged her back and said, "I HATE IT HERE TOO!" and we both just cried for a little bit there on the sidewalk, and a relief came over us. Dd stopped crying and looked at me with a smile and we continued on our walk/ride as if nothing happened. It was as if we just needed to get the plain truth with no positive spin off our collective chests! We got back to our positive approach afterward and we went on to love our new community.
You are such a sensitive and devoted mom, Laura. You are also facing a difficult time. I know you are doing a great job...just hang in there...God is taking excellent care of all of you  .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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mom3aut1not
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Laura,
I don't have much in the way of help to offer, and other people here are giving your great ideas, but as the mom of three ASD kids and the sister of another, the more time you give your aspie to adjust the better. Change is very hard for ASD kids. I would find out as much as I could about your new location as I could. Do you have a place to stay yet? You might even want to show him a floorplan of your new home, pictures of the area, and where familiar stores might be. Show him pictures of your new parish. (Isn't google great?) Do you know any hsers where you moving? I have moved -- much smaller moves -- with my ASD kids, and I found that this kind of preparation was extremely helpful. In the last move, we visited the new house every week from ground-breaking to moving. By the time we moved, he already thought of his room as his and was familiar with the area. He adjusted really well even though his language skills were at the baby/toddler stage. I know you can't do that, but the more preparation, the better.
In Christ,
Deborah
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CAgirl4God
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we have made major moves several times, the biggest to here in Puerto Rico.
my girls had a very hard time with this move. they are now 8 and 7. but they said all the same things. esp about their friends.
I was honest with them. that I was sad, scared, nervous excited too.... I was going to miss my friends too.
we talked about why we needed to move (to be with daddy), and how that wouldn't change.
I also looked up tons and tons of stuff on line and shared it with them.
we got books about PR and read about some of the places we would see and things we could do.
I got pictures of the house we were going to move into.
I got a list of kids in our neighborhood (military housing) so they could see there would be lots of kids.
mostly I always tried to be upbeat for them.
honestly I was scared out of my mind, and really didn't want to move here. But they don't know that. all they know is what an awesome opportunity this is for us. and how much fun we will have here.
((((hugs)))))
where are you moving too?
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Home is where the Coast Guard sends us
Jamie, married to John
JC, Nugget, Christina & Judy
Chowder
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folklaur
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| Posted: Oct 31 2007 at 10:44am | IP Logged
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CAgirl4God wrote:
| where are you moving too? |
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 .....Las Vegas.....
Thank you so much for all your advice & experiences. It is very helpful. Last night, after he got the final, written, official offer, I spent the night in the bathroom and having panic attacks. I have no idea how I am going to do this, plus keep up a positive outlook for them.
I just am looking at each thing I have to do "next" - and not at the "big picture."
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: Oct 31 2007 at 11:29am | IP Logged
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these aren't specifically for kids, but may help you in your move. organization helps me to be calm and on top of things during our moves. this is from a military site. and I have used these tips many times! lol. esp the ziplocking one. (including small toy pieces etc...)
good luck.... (((hugs)))
Moving Tips 101 - Before your move
• Buy a notebook with folders and make a list of things to do a head of time.
• As soon as you get your orders, call your new station and have your housing request filled out. If housing is not available right away, ask about temporary lodging and make reservations.
• Check your military ID, Driver's license etc... for expiration dates.
• If you take medication on a daily basis, make sure you have plenty to get through your transfer.
• Buy a file box for: all important papers, shot records, power of attorney, insurance, wills, copies of your orders, taxes, school records, medical and dental records (if they let you) for all, including pets. Keep that with you and put it in your car on moving day.
• Keep all receipts and get a large majority of money in travelers checks.
• Do not close your checking account until you get your direct deposit switched. Most places will not accept a check with a handwritten address and a check number that starts at 1, so always start above 1000 on your check numbers.
• Take your current phone book with you and order a phone book and map for the area that you are moving to.
• Videotape all electrical equipment while turning them on and off, this will document them in good working condition. Videotape your entire household too.
• Write down all the serial numbers to your big ticket items. You can also write down how many video's, cd's and DVD's that you have. Make a copy so the movers will have this available.
• Clean out drawers, cabinets and closets before your move is scheduled. Defrost freezers and don't forget to drain your washer and disconnect dryer hose.
• Call your current cable, electric, gas and phone companies to give them a cut off date.
• The Post Office has free change of address cards. They require you to fill out a forwarding card for any family member with a different last name.
• The Post Office will not open a PO Box if you are not present at your new location, but the UPS Store has boxes and will open one over the phone/fax.
• You can have the Post Office hold your mail until you get to your new address and then send the card forward to them.
• The Post Office will not forward magazines, so you will need to call the magazines individually.
• Use large Zip-loc bags to organize your drawers. Place all your eating utensils, junk drawer etc into these bags or you will have a big mess when you unpack.
• Clean all appliances that aren't used often and place them in a trash bag.
• Place all your clean linens and clothes in a scented trash bag and tie it closed.
• Plan ahead and set aside items that you want immediately at your new house. Items like bed linens, paper products, plastic cups, bowls, and spoons. A couple of videos and small TV/with video player and a few paperback books. Light bulbs, kitchen items and a corded telephone are usually good items for this box. The packers can leave you an empty box and mark it the next day.
• Tape the ends of all board games, puzzles, anything with lots of pieces. Place small toys in Zip-loc bags.
• Knobs and drawer pulls can be removed, placed in a cloth pouch and taped inside a drawer.
• You can take pictures out of their frames, so that you can hand carry them if you prefer. You can hand carry or mail irreplaceable mementos to avoid damage or loss.
• Empty and clean your trash bins, they will pack them, as is, if you don't.
• Set aside uniforms and your children's special blankets, so they will not get packed by accident.
• Plan ahead as to how you want things unpacked at the other end. If you have baskets all over the house and you want them all together at the other end, put them in one area so they are packed together.
• You can have your valuable and expensive items appraised before hand. Do not ship small valuable items, it would be better to pack them in your suitcase.
• You will need to disconnect all your electrical equipment before the movers get there. You can tie the cords and color code them with ribbon- blue for computer, red for stereo etc...place all your remote controls in one area.
• Depends on your mover if they will pack candles. Make sure you wrap them in paper towels and bag them. Seal in a shoe box. They have been known to melt, so make sure you at least bag them.
• You are not allowed to pack: perishable food items, combustible or corrosive liquids,batteries, explosives, flammables, gases, aerosol cans, chlorinated hydrocarbons in decorative lamps and they will no longer ship propane tanks.
• Lawn mowers, air conditioning units and any outside equipment must be cleaned and drained. If you are in an area known for Gypsy Moth's, it is your responsibility to inspect your outside equipment to prevent transporting this bug to other areas. You will have to sign a paper stating that you have inspected your equipment. The Gypsy moth is mainly in the North East states.
• Set aside Professional Books, Papers and Equipment. This includes anything needed to perform military duties. Ex: uniforms, awards, tools and equipment needed by technicians or mechanics, special dive suits or cold weather apparel. These items are weighed but not counted towards your weight limit. This does not include professional items for the spouse.
This should be properly documented on the inventory. You can not declare this after the fact to reduce overweight shipments.
• You can take all the pictures off the wall and clean them. If you have silk arrangements, do not let them separate the arrangement from the vase.
Moving Tips 102 - During your move
• A representative from the moving company will come to your house to see how many boxes they will need. Request that they send upright wardrobes compared to lay down wardrobes. Your clothes will come out much better and ready to hang in the closet. You can use dry cleaner bags to help protect you clothes if you like.
• Let the representative know that you expect a phone call to let you know how much your HHG weighed. They are supposed to do this, but sometimes they do not. Make sure you take down a name when they call for the weight. This will be important so they will not pull a fast one on your weight limit.
• You can ask the representative if you can leave your clothes in the dressers or not. Some do and some don't, but I would still put the items in plastic scented bags just to protect them.
• Let the representative know that you would prefer that they shrink wrap your couch, love seat and chair.
• Ask the representative if you need to have your fridge off for 24 hours prior to the movers coming. Some require it and some don't.
• Watch the movers and be nice to them. If you encounter a problem, do not argue with them, call the transportation office immediately.
• Once the movers get there you will not be able to leave, so plan ahead for lunch. They are very appreciative if you are able to provide lunch for them too.
• Every item and every box should have a tag as it's going on the truck.
• Have small Zip-loc bags and tape ready on packing day. As the movers take things apart, get the small hardware and bag it up. Tape it to the item immediately.
• Make sure the packers box your couch cushions. If they use them to pack the load on the truck they can get permanently damaged or even lost.
• If possible, have a couple extra people around when the packers come. They can help watch the packing. Don't be afraid to check the letters or numbers on the packing sheet, they use these codes to describe your furniture. You can ask them about this.
• Color code the boxes so that you will know immediately which room the box belongs in. You can also color code the rooms so the packers will know which box belongs where.
• Towards the end of packing day, make sure that the last minute items that can be boxed are getting boxed and not just thrown in the truck.
• Talk to your truck driver, they will have some idea of when they will be able to deliver. Sometimes it can really work out and your items will not have to go into storage.
• Before the packers leave, make sure you go through the house to look for anything that may have been looked over. If you have a multi-day pack, ask the movers to leave a large wardrobe for the last day. Therefore, you can pack the items that you want immediately at your new place.
After the move…
• When you arrive at your new place, have a camera available to document damages. The carrier will give you 5 copies of a two-sided pink form. DD Form 1840-Joint Statement of Loss or Damage at Delivery. If they do not have these, notify Personal Property immediately. You should fill out sections 13 and 14 with the carrier. Please view your weight amount before anything is done. It should be already filled out. Make sure it is what they told you before your move.
• They are required to unpack and put together furniture. They can only place furniture one time. They will unpack and put away stuff in any available spot. They do not organize it, but it will be unpacked. The decision is up to you whether to let them unpack. You will be asked to sign a waiver stating that you did not want them to unpack you.
• You can always ask if they can come back and pick up the boxes, but once they leave, they are NOT obligated to come back. If not, some have had success at selling the boxes and making a profit.
• If you are in a hot climate, I would suggest having the packers come very early in the morning.
• It is up to you whether you tip the packers or not. I never did until my last move, they were absolutely wonderful to me with Dh not there.
__________________
Home is where the Coast Guard sends us
Jamie, married to John
JC, Nugget, Christina & Judy
Chowder
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Moving help for children - need help
