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mom2mpr
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| Posted: July 18 2007 at 6:03pm | IP Logged
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I am starting to see my 9 1/2 year old ds grow up and need his space and become a different person. It is hard. I have "sheltered" him so long. He has been very sweet but I see him begining to be attracted to some things in the "world." Some of his attitudes are changing. He now has a radio in his room(dad gave it to him) and loves to listen to all the channels. He can read the paper that lies around(that I never get too  ) and he see's some of what is happening in the world today . We do have occasional discussions, but I am not as aware as I probably should be about what is going on out there. He sees more TV than he used too, with his dad, since he is up later. He reads different books and is not as enamoured with the quality books I'd like him to read. Can you tell I am having a terrible time letting go. Dh is fine with this. He says he needs to learn to navigate his way in the world in our care. I can understand it but am not comfortable with some of the minor changes I see in ds. I also am "mom" and it is my first, of course it is going to be hard 
So, those who have BTDT, how do you make your heart a little happier about them growing up? How do you let go with grace and love and smiles when inside you want to just squish them and tell them not to grow? and not to go? How do you deal with the changes, that maybe you don't like, but are part of growing and learning?
Thanks again!
Anne
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mary theresa
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| Posted: July 19 2007 at 12:05pm | IP Logged
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Anne,
I just wanted to respond, since no one else has, and your post made me feel for you.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I'm such a new mom still. I feel for you though, very much. I can imagine the bittersweetness of it. I'm finding that in a way the letting go starts in small increments the moment your children are no longer inside your own body.
Think of Mary and what she saw Her Son grow into, not understanding all of it. The Finding in the Temple strikes me especially when I think of this. Being human and loving her son, Mary was probably frustrated, worried and disappointed that her son hadn't told them where He was going. Wouldn't that have been so easy for Jesus to do? He was leaving her already, and she still probably saw him as her baby.
I'm sorry . . . this probably hasn't helped. But i will say a prayer for you. God bless you.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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SeaStar
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| Posted: July 19 2007 at 7:55pm | IP Logged
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This does sound very bittersweet... I haven't BTDT, but I'm sure it's ahead for me. I have been thinking about the Joyful Mysteries a lot lately- they are all about a family in transition.
I will say a prayer for you- that the Blessed Mother, who has definitely BTDT, will give you her peace and guidance.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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stefoodie
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| Posted: July 19 2007 at 9:13pm | IP Logged
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I haven't "BTDT" with my oldest boy, he's 11, and still very much a child .... but I've been there with dd, who's 16.... still on that road, still learning how to let go, slowly, gracefully...
One of the things that is helping me along the journey is taking time to contemplate on the blessings that she is/they are to the family -- while I miss teaching her things like tying her own shoes or how to bake, I am really enjoying that she now ties the little one's shoes, that she's baking for us.... I loved (and still do, if/when I have the time) sewing dresses for her, but now am blessed with seeing her make her own creations (she sews dresses and skirts, and even made a skirt for me on my birthday)....
I'm really, really thankful watching her learn to lean more on God and Mary than on me. I think most of all that's what makes the journey easiest. While I miss, most of all, those little arms that surrounded my neck in a child's embrace (now her arms are longer than mine), I love that her arms are big enough now to cradle her little sister, or a friend's baby... I love that she's growing her own faith, by reading, by praying; we'll always be there for faith questions and life questions, etc. but it's so moving (and frightening too) to see her look for answers on her own. There are just some things that I can't teach her no matter how much I want to, things she'll have to learn on her own, sometimes the hard way.... that's the difficult part. It's hard sometimes watching her make choices that might not necessarily be the best, and even when advice is offered it's not always taken.... it's hard figuring out when to demand obedience and when to just pray that she'll remain obedient to God, or that even if/when she's disobedient God will eventually turn it into something beautiful, in His time, always in His perfect time....
It *is* bittersweet, missing the child who couldn't let go of Mom's or Dad's hand, who now is starting to have "her own life".... but I think if I spent all my time looking back I'd be missing what I have in front of me. She's a beautiful girl, so loving and so "together", and so much more devoted to Jesus and Mary than I was when I was her age. So focusing on that blessing instead, seeing that she is growing into her own person, someone who has faith and trust and so much ahead of her.... that helps me get through the feeling of loss.
It also helps to know that our children will ALWAYS need us, perhaps not in the same way as they did when they were little, but in different ways... and I'm eager to fulfill the different needs she now has as an adolescent and soon, a young adult...whereas before the needs were more physical -- food, clothing, shelter, diaper changes, etc. now the needs are becoming more and more spiritual... helping her figure out what God wants for her, what He wants her to do with her life, what she can contribute to the world.... it's an adventure that is sometimes painful, yes, but ultimately, we have reason to believe, very rewarding, in more ways than one.
Prayers for you and yours.
hth,
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stef
mom to five
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All For Jesus
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| Posted: July 19 2007 at 9:53pm | IP Logged
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Hi Anne,
I too, am beginning to experience this with my almost 9 year old son. In many ways he's still a little boy, innocent and unworldly, but I see a creeping interest in "things" too, like music we've never listened to around here, news stories on the radio (he loves drama), and a new interest in television - particularly that "there are so many more channels than we watch mom!"
Believe me I cringe when I say that. Dh and I just looked at each other when we saw that he had the clicker and was parusing the channels. We've since hid the clicker ~smiling evil smile~
My anxious moments are committed to prayer and I am sure that the Blessed Mother is going to see my children through. I just have to do my part and she will take care of all the rest.
I feel your pain!
Lynn S.
Life Is Beauty (www.sacredday.blogspot.com)
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: July 19 2007 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies for your thoughts and experiences. Stef, so neat to see how you find the positives and keep them in the front of your mind. I might need to change my mindset I am in the beginning of this "change" so learning my way through.
One of the wonderful parts of this forum is being able to "chat" with other moms about these things. As a homeschooling mom I never had to watch my kid go off on a bus. Most other moms just don't understand. They love that yellow bus. While some days I long for the yellow bus to give me a break I would miss my ds terribly. -as would dd who missed him by Thursday of his week at day camp.
I am glad to see I am OK and not a strange mom to feel this way. I always thought since I homeschooled I would be so filled up with my kids when it came time for them to start to make their break from the nest, small as it is right now, I would be helping push. But I am not
Anne
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: July 20 2007 at 4:26pm | IP Logged
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Fwiw, 9 is not that old.  In my opinion, there is no harm in limiting what he is reading, listening to, and watching. Lots of people (not nec. hsers) still limit music/tv/reading materials into the high school years, and for good reason. Spreading wings for boys is normal at this age, but it doesn't have to be in these ways. It can also be new interests that are more mature, like a deepening interest in scouts or sports or altar serving.
Its ok to let him have a bit more freedom, but don't be afraid to tell him you need to preread the front page of the paper first or look at what he's checking out from the library. And I am still *very* picky about radio stations with all of my children. Its not just the music, but the callers in and the dj personalities that can be really offensive. I even had to limit a Christian radio station to "no morning shows" because they were trying to copy the secular morning show model. 
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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folklaur
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| Posted: July 20 2007 at 6:04pm | IP Logged
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Hi Books - I am glad you said that!
My oldest dd - who will be 18 in 3 months () still has to get permission to see certain PG-13 movies. (When we allowed ds8 to see SpiderMan a few weeks back with Grandma - she was INDIGNANT! )
I am very particular about what they are allowed to read and listen to. We allow dd17 to listen to some things that could be a little "questionable," maybe, but it is still NOTHING like what I listened to growing up  .
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TracyQ
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| Posted: July 21 2007 at 8:30am | IP Logged
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BTDT, and still DT.
Our oldest will turn 17 in August, and our second son turned 15 a couple of weeks ago. It's not easy, but it's usually gradual, and so I think God works with us as we're going through it, so it becomes easier as time goes on.
They go through their *stages and phases*, which can be extremely painful to mom (homeschooling or not). I guess like Stef, who had a great thought, I try to think of the people they are, and who God made them to be, and try to see the good in them each day, and I try to focus on that, especially at a time when nagging them, and telling them what they are doing wrong can become so easy. They're living in a world that makes teens almost *foreign or alien* at a time where they already FEEL very much like they are. So I try to really focus on the people God wants them to be, and the good that they have inside of them, even if I don't always like some of their choices. I try to get them to search for God's purpose for them, so they don't focus on the selfishness they can often have at this stage of their life.
I pray A LOT to St. Monica and St. Augustine. They have both helped me a TON through this time of difficult change and growth. It's never easy to grow, but it's always rewarding in the end, because it usually means we're growing according to God's purpose.
I pray EVERY DAY for my kids, and the saints they've chosen, and I've chosen for each of them, saints that are specific and special to each of my unique creations of God. For instance, each day for Jake I ask St. Lawrence (Jake's Confirmation saint/name), St. Joseph (for every guy in my house), St. Francis (rebellious,but zealous for God), Sts. Peter and Paul (answered the call of God, and Paul changed his heart fully toward God), and St. Augustine (because his heart changed too)to pray for him. For Zach, I ask St. Michael (who he's a bit devoted to now), St. Joseph, St.Francis, Sts. Peter and Paul, and St. Augustine as well. For Sarah, (12yo), I ask, Mary, St. Terese (she loves her so much), St. Bernadette (faithful to Mary and her son), and St. Joan of Arc (heroic and brave (Sarah has some fear issues like her mom )). So I have found the saints they're devoted to, and pray to them, then add the ones I think would help them in their lives in the ways those saints would understand best from their lives. I also ask each of their guardian angels to pray for them, and protect them each day.
Prayer is VERY POWERFUL, especially at this time in their lives when you feel them slowly becoming independent, and you feel you have less and less influence on their lives. You may think you have less influence, but they just ACT like you do. Keep being the wonderful mom you are, praying for them, and putting them in God's hands every single day. Keep being the wonderful example of God's grace and love you are, and don't give in to the temptations of Satan to give up your parental authority for them.
I often tell my kids when they're not happy with my decision, *It's ME, your dad and I that have to stand before Jesus one day and answer for how we raised you and parented you. I am NOT willing for the sake of what you think will make you happy to give up my soul. I'm sorry, I'm just funny that way.* They get it, and usually that helps them understand that we take this parenting thing very seriously, and that it goes WAY BEYOND this world.
May the Lord bless you and keep you during this time of change. May you find the peace and grace necessary to endure the pain and frustration you will endure. May He allow you to experience the JOY of seeing and spending time with your children as they grow into the wonderful people He's created them to be, and may you always seek Him fully to help your children to find the purpose for their life and fulfill it to His glory.
With Love and Understanding,
Tracy Q.
__________________
Blessings and Peace,
Tracy Q.
wife of Marty for 20 years, mom of 3 wonderful children (1 homeschool graduate, 1 12th grader, and a 9th grader),
homeschooling in 15th year in Buffalo, NY
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Topic: Letting go...
