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oxymom2002
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Joined: April 06 2005
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| Posted: July 10 2005 at 12:32pm | IP Logged
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Oh please help us! - We have had the worst morning with my 10 ds. The past week has been challenging, with lots of refusals to basic requests/demands. Friday I was in tears, yesterday, he lost extensive priveledges. Today started with lying about chore completion and amped up. Finally he was sent to his room, refused, was gently assisted, came back down. I went up to his room and started removing belongings. Needless to say he was furious, I actually was calm - mostly. He finally stayed in his room and I had the opportunity to go through some of the mess of his room. He will have the opportunity to earn them back.
Behavior has been challenging for a long time. He is a very bright, verbally agressive child. I feel like pulling my hair out. When we had his IQ tested, the dr commented that verbal arguing was a huge problem with kids like this and that has cetainly been our experience.
I have been trying to hold him accountable for his actions. This has made a difference - I do get less "it's not my fault." Pointing out that his actions place him in time out or cause him to lose tv or computer time. I also try very hard to reward and praise good/positive behavior.
At this time it feels as though all demands upon him are met with resistance. He is only plesant when he wants something (to play a game, go to baseball etc.) I have also tried to be clear that pouting, refusing, etc is not going to change my mind.
I am exhausted and frustrated. Any ideas? I would really like to hear from anyone else who has been in this situation (or maybe we are the only ones...) and would like to hear what helped to make things different.
I have been reminding myself to stop and pray when we are in the middle of a stressful interaction. I'm sure it helps in ways I can't see and also allows me to remain calm.
Blessings,
Theresa
__________________
Mom to Melissa (11, Fragile X, Stroke, etc...), Anthony (10, accelerated learner), Katherine (safe in Our Lady's arms)
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Karen T
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Joined: Feb 16 2005
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| Posted: July 10 2005 at 1:59pm | IP Logged
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Oh, wow! NO you are definitely not the only ones in this situation. I could have written this post myself (and I have, if you look far enough back in the archives LOL)
My oldest is 12 now and is still a challenge but I'll share some things that seem to be helping.
First, dh and I sat down and decided on which issues were the most important to us right now (lying, talking disrespectfully to us and being responsible for his own actions)
next, we actually wrote out what we expected from him in these areas, and what the consequence of each would be, with escalating consequences. For example, the first infraction on any of these he loses his screen time for the day, and has to stay inside. The second infraction he goes to his room (which has nothing but books and Legos in it) until supper time. When he comes out, if there is any further problems that day, he goes to bed early and the following day is confined to his room the entire day. This may seem harsh, but as you know, kids like this will wear you down with excuses and blame, etc.
An example of making him become more responsible for his own actions is that he kept throwing his bike down in the dirt instead of using the kickstand. The brakes broke, so we took it to be repaired, and the repairman pointed out several other things that really needed to be tuned up (also from general lack of care -bike was a birthday present last year). The total bill was about $60 and ds wanted to just not spend his money and wait for a new bike for Christmas. We made him pay for 2/3 of the repairs, since he has the idea that things like this are disposable, with more freely given. Also, we plan to pass the bike down to younger son if it lasts that long. Now that it's fixed I noticed ds takes more care of it.
One thing that has helped SO much is that I've quit arguing with him, and quit trying to make him understand. There is a psychologist John Rosemond who's written several parenting books, and while I don't agree with everything (from anyone!) one thing that he says is quit wasting your breath - it's not like any kid ever said "aw mom, now that you've explained it, I see exactly what you mean. I understand why I can't go now" Ha! I've learned not to try to get the last word in either. We just tell ds the reason one time, and then refuse to continue the conversation. He's been told that if he truly has new information about the request/problem/whatever, AND he can come and sit down and talk to us logically, we might reconsider. But we won't argue.
Now, I'd be lying if I said we've seen a big turnaround; however there are definitely improvements. Most importantly, I don't feel like I'm constantly having to argue/yell, and when he's at his worst, I dont' even have to deal with him b/c he's in his room.
In Rosemond's books there was even an example of a woman who took the door off her son's room b/c of his behavior, saying it was a privilege to be earned. I think your taking things out of your son's room is on the right track. I try to remember back to our childhoods (I know, times have changed!) and realize how much our kids have that are such luxuries and yet they think they are birthrights.
{{{HUGS}}}
Karen
p.s. Lots and lots of prayer helps too!
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Karen T
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| Posted: July 10 2005 at 2:02pm | IP Logged
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Oh, sorry one more thing. I think it's important to focus on just a few things at once. One, b/c it's so hard to police every little thing that annoys you all the time. And two, b/c you don't want to go overboard in criticizing all the time, etc. (just had to confess that yesterday myself 
And, once the major things are in line, it becomes easier to deal with the rest. But to me, attitude has to be in the first round!
karen
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Marybeth
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Joined: May 02 2005
Location: Illinois
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| Posted: July 11 2005 at 4:02pm | IP Logged
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Theresa,
I am so sorry you have to endure this type of behavior. I know my de is only 5 so we don't have the same situation here. I do watch my sister's four kids several days a week. My niece is a fiery red heade!!! She is the delight of my heart. Of course, not being her Mom she is wonderful to me and cheerfully does all I ask of her. Different story with my sister....it can get pretty bad. My niece is 9 and has been hard to handle even as a baby for my sister and bil.
My sister has learned with her never to give an inch. It just backfires. She works on certain behavior to correct (usually the most obnoxious or annoying) at a time.
I know from my own experience as a total hellion (my poor parents) I needed some praise at times too. I think it is easy to feel bad about yourself when you know your parents are upset with you . I needed to hear an "I love you" besides all the corrections.
Like I wrote...I don't parent a child your ds age or experience first hand my niece being angry. I just try to listen to my sister and enforce her rules while I am with her kids.
This is just my 2 cents from watching and listening to my sister struggle to help my niece and become the parent she needs.
God bless,
Marybeth
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: behavior melt down
