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Anonymous
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| Posted: April 17 2007 at 4:01pm | IP Logged
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I hope that this fits into the forum rules...
Do any of you have DHs that are not as driven as you are? By driven I suppose I mean devoted/dedicated to seeing your dc raised as devout Catholics? Who think it is important to protect your dc from influences that are, at best, merely crude and rather unnecessarily vulgar (ie, certain cartoons and other programs on tv), and at worst, downright spiritually negative?
This is also part and parcel with my DHs distinct lack of apparent interest in, well, frankly, actually "living" as a Catholic. He sees nothing wrong with missing Mass on Sundays and HDO, sees confession as a once a year--at most--thing (he was informed--by a priest--around confirmation age, that confession more than once a year is a waste of the priest's time  , doesn't think most things that ARE mortal sins ARE mortal sins....
All of this is making it harder and harder to insist on raising our dc as devout Catholics...I've "overdone it" by informing our dc that there are places in this world where Christians are persecuted even today...that Catholics in years past (and even today) are put into prison, are killed, for their faith. Apparently, now even my cradle Catholic DH thinks I am raising freaks...warping them or something.
We are so not on the same page on this. He will not go talk to a priest. He hasn't been to Mass in months. He thinks me being perturbed because I've not been to confession in 5 wks (and thought I was--even briefly--in some danger of possibly dying/suffering serious injury to myself) was laughable...he's been known to call me a religious nut, a Bible thumper, and hyperreligious...
I've seen the effects poor catechesis has had on him and his siblings (his family of 13dc, 12 surviving, has only 2--incl DH--who are even CINO...his parents are deceased). Three of his nieces have gotten the same poor catechesis (one, a High School junior, hadn't been to confession since her FHC, and had NO IDEA she was supposed to...). I see that sort of problem all over the place...not just in DHs family. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD FOR THAT. That is one reason I am hsing my dds, so that I can make absolutely certain that their catechesis is "on the money" theologically.
But DH seems to think that I ought to be just fine with a bare skimming...and I cannot help but be terribly sad not to mention ALONE feeling when he makes his comments, shoots me the eyerolls and laughing glances...or worse yet, exposes our dds to things that are certainly NOT appropriate.
I don't know what to do, aside from prayer. He will not read the things I give him. He won't see a priest. He won't go to mass. I'm currently on my second 54 rosary novena, and one of my intentions is HIM.
I just feel so completely ALONE in this esp at this point. He doesn't want more dc, he doesn't like the way/what I am teaching the dc about the Catholic faith, and I don't seem to know any Catholic women IRL who are dealing with this level of "challenge" in their own homes. Its one thing when it's more extended family, but your DH backs you. It's another thing when it's folks in the world at large...as long as your DH backs you. Right now, it's me, and Our Lord and the Blessed Mother against everyone (or so it seems).
I just don't know if I am alone in this position, or not. If any of you have dealt with this, or ARE dealing with this, or just have prayers/advice/words of experiential wisdom...please share it. I am in dire need.
anonymous (who sometimes wonders if DH isn't my "cross" to bear)
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Taffy
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| Posted: April 17 2007 at 4:27pm | IP Logged
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I shouldn't even be on here, but I thought of these articles immediately when I read your post. Perhaps they will give you some guidance until someone else pops in...
Playing on an interfaith Team
Don'ts and Do's
Love Conquers All - The heroic hidden life of Elisabeth Leseur
FWIW - My father was very anti-catholic while I was growing up. My mom provided all our faith formation - a heroic feat considering what she was up against. In my father's final week of life, he sought entrance into the Catholic Church. Your task is doable, even though it's hard.
But, as I said, I shouldn't even be on here right now. 
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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guitarnan
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| Posted: April 17 2007 at 7:29pm | IP Logged
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The one thing I can say without doubt is that God is waiting to welcome your dh...but it's all going to happen in God's time. I encourage you to keep praying, and to sacrifice your sufferings for the intention of his conversion. I wouldn't necessarily worry too much about giving him things to read. Just be yourself...do what you know is right for you and your children, and pray really, really hard.
I have seen true conversion miracles happen. Nothing's impossible with God. I've seen people I could have sworn would never, ever go to any Mass, ever, come to Mass with their families. One dad (Baptist) did this after ten years of never going to any church, and sleeping on the sofa while his wife took their four small children to Mass every week, taught CCD, etc. It really can happen.
It does sound (at least from your post...all I have to go on) as though your dh is pretty hostile right now, so perhaps you and your priest or spiritual director could work out a few ways for you to handle those comments he throws your way...and I would also suggest, perhaps, finding a Catholic counselor (Catholic Relief Services in your area will have a list, and they often provide counseling on a sliding payment scale), to also help you during this stressful time.
Meanwhile, you are certainly not alone...not just with your situation (you aren't the only person struggling with raising Catholic children on your own)...but also because we can and will join you in prayer for your husband, and for you.
Sometimes people who've had poor faith formation or other negative experiences really need a lot of time to reconcile with God's Church. Please keep that flame of hope alive...sustain it with prayer...feed your own faith with the knowledge that you walk this path with support from people you've never even met...and I hope some others will share stories that will increase your hope and confidence.
I will pray for you, my sister in faith, and for your husband and family...please don't give up.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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trish
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My dh is a convert. When we married he did not marry a practicing Catholic so when I had my reversion he had to go through some tough times.
I prayed for him ALOT! I prayed weekly holy hours, offered my communions, lit candles at Our Lady's and St. Joseph's altars, rosaries on my knees, and even snuck a green scapular in his pillow. But I didn't push anything on him. A priest friend told me that was the worst thing I could do.
Prayer is a powerful thing. It really can work miracles. Hang in there. Prayers for you here too.
__________________
~ Trish ~
Wife to Les
Mom to 8 Wonderful Kids
+AMDG+
Saintly Soaps
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: April 17 2007 at 8:16pm | IP Logged
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I can see that you're really struggling through this, and that perhaps you carry a lot of anger. The only "advice" that I could offer is that I would try not to go head-on against my husband. You cannot push the Faith on him. A better approach might be to quietly pray and let Christ and His Blessed Mother take up your cause. Only the Holy Spirit can bring a person to conversion. And as disagreeable as your husband may be towards the Catholic faith and what you are teaching your children, I would try to always remain respectful of him. Our children see the way we treat our spouses, and if you do not respect him, then (I believe) that they will not either. Rather ask them to pray for their father's conversion. Our Lord loves the prayers of those innocent, pure children. You and your family are in my prayers.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Anne McD
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| Posted: April 17 2007 at 9:14pm | IP Logged
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A friend of mine is going through a similar situation. When she spoke with a priest about it, he told her that because she and her husband are one flesh, when she prays for him, he is praying, too. It might serve as some encouragement to you.
This is such a difficult cross-- you are in my prayers!
__________________
Anne
Wife to Jon
Mommy to Alex 9
James 8
Katie 6
William 3 1/2
Benedict Joseph 1
and baby on the way! 10/14
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nicole-amdg
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| Posted: April 18 2007 at 2:51am | IP Logged
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In addition to Elisabeth Leseur (a perfect recommendation), ask for the intercession of St. Rita and St. Monica for both your husband and your children.
Though it might not match your circumstances exactly, the book When Only One Converts might provide some solace.
I second the recommendation that you show great respect and love toward your husband. We can't change others, only our own behavior--but providentially, a spouse responds to that, though it may take years. Who knows how the Spirit will work in the heart.
No, you are not alone. +
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doris
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| Posted: April 18 2007 at 4:27am | IP Logged
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How very sad and difficult for you. I can't offer any words of wisdom, but I'll pray. Miracles do happen.
__________________
Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
Frabjous Days
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Erin
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Hugs, hugs to you.
The household you are in sounds very similar to the one I grew up in. You can teach your dc to love their faith, I know that my mother did. But it was a hard road indeed to travel and it took its toll on her, but she is an amazingly strong woman. My father called her names, St Anne, a martyr etc and did his best to undermine her in every way. He would allow us to watch unsuitable shows if she wasn't around, when she called us for the rosary he wouldn't back her up (he was a convert btw)he swore badly. He only gave in on the homeschooling because she wore him down but he never backed her up, in fact he aided the boys in not attending and then turned around and blamed her when they hadn't progressed. I don't want you to think I'm attacking my father because in many ways I think he could have been a better person if my mother had approached him differently. In fact now that he has gone to his reward my mother herself can see that she could have helped him better.
We are to be the best helpmates to our spouses, they are to be a better person because they are married to us. Now that sounds good in theory but as in your situation the practice is tough.
I can only speak from my own family situation. I know that my mother would have done better to not have nagged my father. She needed to build him up more, in private and certainly in front of his children. It is a balancing act when he is actively undermining Catholic values. I guess there she had to be extra strong. She certainly taught us our catechism and our faith strongly.
Oh many many hugs to you. Don't give up on passing the faith to you children you can do it  And pray every day to find something positive about your dh and share it genuinally with your dh and your dc. Please don't push him though, men don't cope with that very well. They back up and get defensive. Just be as Christlike as you can (easier to say I know). I hope I've been alright in what I have said. I DO NOT want to sound preachy to you AT ALL. Many hugs to you. I'll be praying for you.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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Maria B.
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My dh of 21 years is not Catholic. There have been many, many tough times because of this. There is so much to say and so much that cannot be said. I have made so many mistakes, so many. The best advice I have ever received from a priest was to just live my faith as best I could, in other words, witness to my husband. Don't preach, just love him and live your faith the best you can. The children will model after you. I can tell you that there have been many, many baby steps. I can see God working in him. Offer up all your suffering, frustration, and resentment for your husband. And above all, love him for who he is.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Maria in VA
Proud Mom to 10 Great kids!
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Cici
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 12:11am | IP Logged
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I don't have anything to add/comfort except that you aren't alone. My dh and I struggle with this, too. In fact, we have fought over it. Ironically, I'm the convert here.
For me, I pray for my husband and take the advice that Nancy gave to you and that others have given to me: that conversions happen in God's time.
Praying for you anonymous!
__________________
Christine - mom to 
My Sewing Blog
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asplendidtime
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 8:52am | IP Logged
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My dh and I used to struggle this way. I realised that when we met and married we didn't relate this way... So I simply sought to win his heart again. Sounds easy eh? Well, it was easy as I had won his heart once, I could surely figure out how to win his confidance in me again.
Be the girl that he fell in love with. And make him feel like the man you fell in love with. Build that trust again, and he'll trust your judgement a lot more.
Sometimes I think that this is a struggle because he feels disrespected somehow, or that he got left behind in the relationship. That was definitely the case with my dh. 
__________________
Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
Katie 16,
Mary 14,
Tim 13,
Jonah 12,
Josh 10,
Zoe 9,
Will 7,
Peter 6,
Laura-Mae 4,
Emily-Joy 2,
Genevieve & Gabriella 1
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momwise
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 9:14am | IP Logged
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Maria B. wrote:
| There have been many, many tough times because of this. There is so much to say and so much that cannot be said. I have made so many mistakes, so many. |
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Yeah, ditto. I can't pour out my heart here but you've received very blessed advice. Become St. Joseph's close friend because he is the expert and will stick with you through thick and thin. Also, St. Monica was told to stop telling St. Augustine about God and start telling God about St. Augustine; I've always loved that line.
Be encouraged: my reversion to the faith took place more than 15 years ago (well it started then) and we went through many very hard times before things got better...but they do get better. I have had times of disagreement about a certain church teaching that made me present in the Garden in Agony with the Savior ( suffering helps us to truly meditate on those sorrowful mysteries). These are the times that Jesus is drawing you closer to Him and sending you back out as His missionary. He must really want your dh to be one of His own.
The advice about treating your dh as a man is so good. He should remain head of his family. St. Joseph can guide him in this. I'm adding you to my prayers.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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momwise
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 9:19am | IP Logged
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Anne McD wrote:
| When she spoke with a priest about it, he told her that because she and her husband are one flesh, when she prays for him, he is praying, too. |
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Oh yeah, that is so true. And when you recieve Holy Communion ask Jesus to bring him every grace and healing you receive; the Sacrament of Marriage is that powerful. You can also lay hands on him when you touch him; that is, be the instrument to let the Holy Spirit pour out upon him and ask for his spiritual, mental and emotional healing.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 9:59am | IP Logged
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7smallones wrote:
My dh and I used to struggle this way. I realised that when we met and married we didn't relate this way... So I simply sought to win his heart again. Sounds easy eh? Well, it was easy as I had won his heart once, I could surely figure out how to win his confidance in me again.
Be the girl that he fell in love with. And make him feel like the man you fell in love with. Build that trust again, and he'll trust your judgement a lot more.
Sometimes I think that this is a struggle because he feels disrespected somehow, or that he got left behind in the relationship. That was definitely the case with my dh. |
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This really spoke to me today and I am wondering how to do this with kids, and the various changes in yourself over the years due to maturity, etc....how do you be the girl he fell in love with when your life has changed so much?
We now have kids--little time to ourselves and finding sitters is hard, he has a 70 plus hour a week job-he loves(can't say I do  ), we live in a completely different area of the country and I have changed now that I am learning our faith with the kids. He was brought up in another Christian faith-which his family still practices--and I think while he converted for me, ,his heart is still there.
Anyhow, if you did it-became what you "were", how???
Anne
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MichelleW
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 10:23am | IP Logged
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Ours is an interfaith marriage. Something that has helped me so much is a verse in Ephesians "Our struggle in not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Each time I would be tempted to see dh as an obstacle, I would ask forgiveness, remind myself that my struggle is not against him, ask the Lord for strength to struggle against the spiritual forces of evil and ask the Lord to work powerfully in my own life, the life of my dh and of our marriage and family.
In addition to this, Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Salt and Light
You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
Many of these things apply to you. It might be a comfort to read these words of Our Lord regularly. I know it can be lonely, and I am sorry for that. I will remember that in my prayers.
__________________
Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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Willa
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| Posted: April 20 2007 at 12:09am | IP Logged
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Dear Anonymous,
The Catholic Catechism says this about marriages where spouses have different views about religion or about the education of children.
Quote:
Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. ...
.. the Catholic spouse has a particular task: "For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband."140 It is a great joy for the Christian spouse and for the Church if this "consecration" should lead to the free conversion of the other spouse to the Christian faith.141 Sincere married love, the humble and patient practice of the family virtues, and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion. |
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Your husband is not an unbeliever, of course. But what seems to apply to your case is that the task of the more religious spouse is to most of all LOVE sincerely and patiently. The Church seems to promise that you can actually consecrate a spouse in this way. Elizabeth LeSeur is a good example and so is St Monica, who had a pagan husband.
But it takes prayer and patience and sacrifice. St Peter says: "..wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives." You are yourself refined and sanctified by this endeavour. Your children will see your loyalty to their father and it will set a lifelong good example for them.
One general thing to mention about the "anonymous" status of the post that started this thread. The Real Learning board is an excellent place to come to for prayers and counsel from other women. It is a semi-public forum, though. Janette explained it in this
thread
The "anonymous" identity is used on this board so that we can come here for questions and prayer requests that involve personal information about other people, especially family members, who might be able to be identified by other people from the information given. This could be damaging to their reputations and even harmful to their personal or work lives.
Our Church warns us against the danger of detraction, which means revealing true but damaging information about others without a necessity. This is what the Anonymous identity tag is for -- to leave an option to ask for help without the risk of this damage. More information about detraction by Father Hardon
He warns against the risk in revealing private information and then adds:
Quote:
| When the revelation of another person's fault is necessary or very useful, as in defense of self or of others, no injustice is done in revealing it. This would be the case when the failing or defect is made known...for the purpose of seeking counsel or help |
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The marital relationship depends on intimacy and trust. Posting anonymously seems like a reasonable way to receive needed advice and prayers without risk of putting a tear in the integrity of the relationship. SO if in doubt, it would be better to PM a moderator to ask if the question or concern is better off posted in an anonymous form.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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JenniferS
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You have been given much good advice. I really can't add to it, but I do understand. This has been a struggle in my marriage at times. Our priest has told me not to ever stop praying. I have seen small changes in my dh over the years that show me that my prayers are not in vain...which they never are. Anyway, just a long post to say I'll pray for you and your dh, and know that in God's time his heart will turn.
Jen
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Anonymous
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Ladies, I do NOT discuss my DHs issues as a complaining issue...more as a "what do I do? Where is the line between obeying my DH and obeying God to be drawn, esp in areas which I believe are at least somewhat morally related? How does one cope with a spouse who doesn't have the same level of dedication at this point, and is derogatory to your efforts?". I have sought counsel from priests on this issue--prayer is the first and foremost advice I get. Also the "don't push" advice. Both of which I have taken. And it has been difficult to avoid detraction--it is a very fine line. However, it is one I seek not to cross...I completely understand the need/use of anonymous posts...It didn't occur to me at first, and I appreciate the moderators efforts.
To respond to some of the previous posts:
My mother was/is not the best model of "how to use love and patience as persuasion"...She and my father are still married, but I learned what NOT to do from her. So I do not nag DH about his religious/faith life (or about much else, for that matter). To the point that some would tell me I let it go TOO far in the opposite direction. I try to keep myself looking as good as I can...although things have changed shape wise over the years, and with some medical problems, it makes things more difficult (I was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder which makes weight gain extremely easy and loss almost impossible, not to mention other complications). No, I am NOT the same woman he married...that's true. But then again, I was changing long before my Catholicism.
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad, on the one hand, that at least I am not going thru this alone...and yet, I so wish I was. I so wish that none of you had to deal with things like this. And I DO have so much to be grateful and thankful for, I know that, and try to keep my focus on that, rather than on the "deficiencies" of things at the moment. My prayer life has certainly gotten stronger, and I do plan on continuing with that. I may not see immediate results (instant gratification, lol), but I know that all things are possible with God...and I am all about saintly intercession
I know that aside from prayers, persistance, and patience, there isn't much I can do. And frankly, if this is a means of my sanctification, then so be it. I can think of far worse ways to do it.
Thank you for your kind words, ladies. I really appreciate it.
Anonymous
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Topic: DHs
