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Angel
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| Posted: April 12 2007 at 4:11pm | IP Logged
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I am wondering if/how any of you deal with isolation.
We live far away from family and have very few real-life aquaintances in this area. (It's a rural area anyway, so some isolation is just to be expected.) In addition, I don't have very many friends, period... and the ones I did have I've kind of fallen out of touch with because I'm afraid they don't really understand the Catholic/large family/homeschooling thing. Blogs and these boards help, but there are times when things get kind of lonely -- for everyone in the family, not just me. (Although at least my husband has friends at work.)
Anyway, if you also deal with isolation, can you share your experience and anything that has helped?
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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juststartn
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| Posted: April 12 2007 at 4:28pm | IP Logged
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Its probably not going to make you feel too terribly much better...but I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. And finally, last summer, I made a Catholic, hsing, out in the country-living, traditionally minded, large family having, SAHM with a military DH friend who had dc my dc's ages....
And she just had her fifth dc last month, my twin boys (which will bring me to 5 total) are due sometime in the next 8wks....
Persistance. really. pays. off.
I have more than one friend in a situation similar to yours. She's living out in the middle of nowhere in WA state. Its rough, I know. She's not hsing, but she's definitely for it....
Anyway, you are not the only one. I don't even live in the country, and had problems finding/meeting anyone. Blogs and message boards have really been the saving grace for me.....it actually helps to know that I am not alone either in my beliefs, OR in my lack of IRL companionship. Sometimes there are just no people like me (us) around. It is lonely. But hey, at least we have places like this one. Twenty years ago, I shudder to think about how things would have been for me...far far different....
Anyway, (((HUGS))) and please know you are not alone. Really. FAR FROM IT...even though we may not be neighbors IRL, we're living on the same block as far as our situations are concerned...iykwim.
Rachel
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Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
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John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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juststartn
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| Posted: April 12 2007 at 4:29pm | IP Logged
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Oh, and none of my family is close by--and even if they were, they aren't Catholic, or even practicing Protestants anymore, so I get harrangued at. Its actually better for me that they are some distance away...altho that may not be the case for you, I thought I'd let you know that, too.
Rachel
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Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
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Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: April 12 2007 at 5:40pm | IP Logged
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Angela, I could have written that post!
It is lonely. This board has been a lifesaver for me. I do so hope to meet some of you ladies in real life some day, because there is no one here at all.
I guess isolation has the benefit of bringing me closer to my dh and children because that's the only socialization I get!
My son doesn't have this problem because of Karate and scouts, dh doesn't because of work, older dd goes to school, and little dd has the two grandsons to play with. It's just me who has no friends! And I don't really get it because I am a pretty friendly, outgoing, positive person who always had friends in school. I guess it is a combination of having moved many times, the isolation, and lack of any real opportunities to make friends.
Wish I had some advice, but only can say "me too!"
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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mary theresa
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| Posted: April 12 2007 at 6:48pm | IP Logged
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Me too! Oh, I'm SO glad to know that other moms are lonely too!! I know what you mean Angela. Some days it's over-powering. I only have one little one now and so on bad days (of loneliness) I just try to get out -- to "shop" or to the library, or go to our parish's adoration chapel (tho that involves mostly trying to keep my little one quiet), but at least Jesus is there and sees me and just KNOWS. Doesn't always help, but at least it distracts me.
Sorry, I don't have much to offer now . . . but I'll think on it.
God bless you all who are lonely and isolated.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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mary theresa
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| Posted: April 12 2007 at 6:57pm | IP Logged
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Just thought of something ! 
Here's an article that has helped me, Angela. I don't know the author, it was being passed around by email. But it's beautiful! It helps me to see the isolation as a blessing (of sorts  )
MONASTICISM AND MOTHERHOOD
Carlo Carretto, one of the leading spiritual writers of the past half-century, lived for more than a dozen years as a hermit in the Sahara desert. Alone, with only the Blessed Sacrament for company, milking a goat for his food, and translating the bible into the local Bedouin language, he prayed for long hours by himself. Returning to Italy one day to visit his mother, he came to a startling realization: His mother, who for more than thirty years of her life had been so busy raising a family that she scarcely ever had a private minute for herself, was more contemplative than he was.
Carretto, though, was careful to draw the right lesson from this. What this taught was not that there was anything wrong with what he had been doing in living as a hermit. The lesson was rather that there was something wonderfully right about what his mother had been doing all these years as she lived the interrupted life amidst the noise and incessant demands of small children. He had been in a monastery, but so had she.
What is a monastery? A monastery is not so much a place set apart for monks and nuns as it is a place set apart (period). It is also a place to learn the value of powerlessness and a place to learn that time is not ours, but God's.
Our home and our duties can, just like a monastery, teach us those things. John of the Cross once described the inner essence of monasticism in these words: "But they, O my God and my life, will see and experience your mild touch, who withdraw from the world and become mild, bringing the mild into harmony with the mild, thus enabling themselves to experience and enjoy you." What St. John suggests here is that two elements make for a monastery: withdrawal from the world and bringing oneself into harmony with the mild.
Although he was speaking about the vocation of monastic monks and nuns, who physically withdraw from the world, the principle is equally valid for thos of us who cannot go off to monasteries and become monks and nuns. Certain vocations offer the same kind of opportunity for contemplation. They too provide a desert for reflection.
For example, the mother who stays home with small children experiences a very real withdrawal from the world. Her existence is definitely monastic. Her tasks and preoccupations remove her from the centres of power and social importance. And she feels it. Moreover her sustained contact with young children (the mildest of the mild) gives her a privileged opportunity to be in harmony with the mild, that is, to attune herself to the powerlessness rather than to the powerful.
Moreover, the demands of young children also provide her with what St. Bernard, one of the great architects of monasticism, called the "monastic bell". All monasteries have a bell. Bernard, in writing his rules for monasticism, told his monks that whenever the monastic bell rang, they were to drop whatever they were doing and go immediately to the particular activity (prayer, meals, work, study, sleep) to which the bell was summoning them. He was adamant that they respond immediately, stating that if they were writing a letter they were to stop in mid-sentence when the bell rang. The idea in his mind was that when the bell called, it called you to the next task and you were to respond immediately, not because you want to, but because it's time for that task and time isn't your time, it's God's time. For him, the monastic bell was intended as a discipline to stretch the heart by always taking you beyond your own agenda to God's agenda.
Hence, a mother raising children, perhaps in a more privileged way even than a professional contemplative, is forced, almost against her will, to constantly stretch her heart. For years, while raising children, her time is never her own, her own needs have to be kept in second place, and every time she turns around a hand is reaching out and demanding something. She hears the monastic bell many times during the day and she has to drop things in mid-sentence and respond, not because she wants to, but because it's time for that activity and time isn't her time, but God's time.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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doris
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 5:13am | IP Logged
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Me too. And here I am in our capital city!
I think moving really doesn't help. On the other hand, without being too cheesy, we are a pilgrim people.
I second the advice to pray. (I'm sure you're doing this already!) I've been praying hard and have recently made friends with a local -- home educating -- Catholic -- mother of 8! And another local -- home educating -- Catholic -- mother of 4! (That's quite a big deal because there just aren't many Catholic home educators in the UK, nor large families. We're not a large family -- yet! -- but that's something else to pray about.)
Anyway, I don't want to waffle all over your thread, but just to send you a  and let you know that you are not alone. Oh, and by the way, I love your blog!
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Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
Frabjous Days
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Willa
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 6:11am | IP Logged
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lapazfarm wrote:
I guess it is a combination of having moved many times, the isolation, and lack of any real opportunities to make friends.
Wish I had some advice, but only can say "me too!" |
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This is true of me, too. I am a shy person but I always had an easy time making enough friends for my comfort level. But here it has been difficult. I just wrote on another thread that most of my "kindred spirit" friends are long-distance (hi, you all out there) I have a few kind acquaintances/Catholic hs moms within 30 miles but we are not huge parts of each others' lives. I miss the times when I could just hang around with someone.
In my case it has affected my kids a bit. For several years Aidan's care took up so much time and energy that we were almost completely isolated from the community. We couldn't sign up for anything because he was ending up in a regional hospital so frequently. We had to protect him from viruses and the like. We are already out in the margins here because of large family size, homeschooling, and Catholicism which is more traditional than the LifeTeen, charismatic version at our church. (I'm not saying that I judge them or they judge us, but a difference exists-- we talk about or get thrilled about different types of things).
Since Aidan has been more stable, we have been able to join more activities like seasonal sports, music lessons and so on. But my kids are introverted and the other kids are pretty bonded to each other by the school community. The parents are the same way. So we get along OK with everyone but no real close ties.
It is definitely a trial. As for what has helped: Prayer and persistence -- praying, then looking for open doors. We have found a couple of opportunities that way. A few of us managed to start a Catholic homeschool group that meets weekly for Stations of the Cross -- this has been a blessing for my 3 younger kids since it's just the sort of regular, informal gathering they need to form alliances with the other kids.
For me, cyber-friendships have been a huge blessing. And I have read bits of writings from the saints that actually spoke of detaching oneself from earthly friendships. Now, by detaching they do not normally mean becoming a recluse -- but rather, getting to the point where you can have joy in the goodness of friendship when it comes to you, but you don't have to depend on having earthly friends. If you see the difference.
I am not there -- but it's so much of a new concept in this day and age where, really, we are encouraged and almost forced to become peer dependent from our earliest days. I think there is truth in it. The best friendships are the ones where you share each others' burdens and delight in each others' company but you don't feel a sort of ...hunger. It's hard to describe but I can feel the difference in myself. So in that way my isolation has been a bit of a blessing, like a form of poverty.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 6:14am | IP Logged
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When we first moved to our current home, which is quite rural and much further from family and friends, I too struggled with feelings of intense loneliness and isolation. Prayer was, and is, my saving grace, along with comtemplating the Holy Family's Flight into Egypt and their Hidden Life in Nazareth. When we meditate on the isolation and loneliness that Jesus, Mary and Joseph must have experienced it helps softens our own similar experiences. Uniting such feelings with those of the Holy Family makes times of loneliness much more bearable. Elizabeth's burnout post contained two beautiful ideas that are helpful when facing the struggles of isolation...joy lists and praise walks! Both are surefire cures for lonely moms and their children!
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extremeknitter
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 6:50am | IP Logged
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Just to let you know, That article on the monasticism was written by Fr. Ron Rolheiser, O.M.I. I love it.
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blessings and peace,
~knitter
mom to 6 terrific kids (ages 21 down to 1) and 10 little saints
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extremeknitter
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 6:56am | IP Logged
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sorry... forgot the link The Domestic Monastery
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blessings and peace,
~knitter
mom to 6 terrific kids (ages 21 down to 1) and 10 little saints
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florasita
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 7:23am | IP Logged
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Angela do you have a vehicle during the day ? I know it can be expensive to drive if you are a lower income family but I will say a big thing that helps me with my SAD and lonliness is getting out of the house . Even if it is with the kids and no other adults . We have started visiting the zoo , children's museum , larger parks . Once a week now . At first I had to force myself and I was nervous to drive as we had been with only one vehicle for so long . This really really helped me . If you have a tape / cd player in the car maybe get some good tunes or a story your kids like to play along the ride .
When we had only one car my dh had it till the end of the day so I started forcing myself to walk with the kids . We now walk to the library , bakery , and church . Being without a computer for 1 1/2 yrs helped too . It forced us to get out and communicate with others . Our church is a small mission church and its right down our street ! We started walking there once a week . We'd go in for prayer time which on a good day I got the rosary done but on a rough day we just prayed 10 min . We used the church computer so it helped us then form frienships with the secrtary and Fr. so much more .We'd often stay for lunch with them . We will start our walks again now that it is spring time .
Sometimes praying at home isn't enough our prayer sometimes needs to be in the form of walking and talking outside too .
Something a good spiritual director told me was to change your prayer a round a bit . Move your rosary prayer outside maybe for a few days . God may send you something we are missing . As well when in doubt go to his word he will never fail you  . Much lov to You , Rox
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asplendidtime
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 8:43am | IP Logged
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Great ideas Rox! Thankyou.
Unfortunately there are so many of us in this same boat. 
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Meredith
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Angela, this is the main reason I sought "refuge" in this forum so many years ago!! I live in an extremely liberal and non-hs friendly area, and people are literally in awe of us. We are considered a "freak show" in most social situations. But, there is hope in the loneliness, and so many good things have come from the isolation for my dh and my spirituality. Plus the fact that we lived in a populated area for just under a year and we able to immerse ourselves into a wonderful hsing community.
Now that we're back in isolation for a while, we have a new perspective, and for me I know where to turn (HERE) when I'm feeling left out!
Many blessings coming your way from one who has been there is there and probably will be again!
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
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mary theresa
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| Posted: April 13 2007 at 11:17am | IP Logged
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Knitter,
Thanks for the link! It's great to know who wrote that! It looks like that somehow I hadn't even recieved the whole article.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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Genevieve
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Angela, I think isolation and loneliness as a seaon in motherhood. It comes in waves for me due to constant moves and having pre-preschoolers in the house. We are also a one car family in a small town. Perhaps one day, I'll have friends from the nearby community. For now, I turn here even if it means quietly reading posts and having one-sided conversations in my head.  Time on the computers are short and infrequent. However, I did find some peace in this time of my life.
When loneliness was at its worst, I offered it up. It was a really a plea to God. At that time, I couldn't see the good in it all but knew that I couldn't dwell on it. Realizing that it wasn't going to disappear helped me realize the good in the situation. Hence, the name of my blog, The Good Within.
After I putting my loneliness at the foot of the cross, I began to search for the good that could come out of this. I realize in essense it is time. Time to do things slowly with my children. Time to just be still and be in awe of God's creation and hand in everything. Time to educate myself. Lissa wrote an inspiring post on the beauty of slowing down. I've also taken the initiative to write a letter to a friend every Monday. I don't have many friends and honestly, none of them are Catholic or even married. Regardless, they all enjoy receiving a note even if it's a short paragraph on some really pretty paper I also have to remind myself that friendships take time, even here through the forum. Danielle Bean's new book, although addressed to young moms, seems to address loneliness. She always had an honest but upbeat perspective in life. Perhaps her book could help.
I can't say it's easy. However, acceptance and giving it to God really was my turning point. I'll be praying for you all.
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Genevieve
The Good Within
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Anneof 5
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I know isolation all too well. I am not sure why it is like that but I really wish I had a close friend I could call when I really need to talk about something, good or bad. I tend to rely on my dh way too much. I usually end up calling my sister when things are rough and she tends to blame a lot of my "problems" on the fact that I homeschool my kids and I am burning myself out. If only I would put my kids in school and have some time to myself.... according to her and the rest of my family.
There are a lot of hsing families (Catholics included) where I live but for some reason I have not connected like others have and as a result I am very painfully lonely at times. (Neither have some of my kids.) We tend to be rather quiet and even in the forums I belong to it takes me a while to reflect on and formulate what I want to say and as a result I respond too slowly and by the time I do everyone is onto another subject.
I am still trying to understand what God has in His plan for me with my life being this way. I guess I really need to reflect more on the spiritual meaning of it all. Some of your reflections are beautiful regarding this common concern. Thank you.
I will pray for all of you who are experiencing this loneliness and isolation. God bless!
Anne
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Dealing with isolation
