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JennGM
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| Posted: March 15 2012 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
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I enjoyed turning 40. It didn't feel old.
But whammo, this turning 45 is hitting me like a ton of bricks. So many aspects...are hard to take. I just had a retreat last weekend and bared my soul, very humbling and very telling.
I'm closer to 50 now, and THAT scares me. It's mainly the omissions that stare up at me. My lack of self-discipline, the weaknesses in our schooling, my body showing it's lack of exercise, etc.
It's a little lonely for me, too. I am not a social bug, and I just don't have the friends to come and do coffee, etc. Everyone is in their little Nazareth right now (like me) and public life isn't on our agenda.
Pardon me for sounding whiny. I'd love to hear how you "handle" those days when your age and ending fertility and all that jazz creep on you!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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stellamaris
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| Posted: March 15 2012 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
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Today is one of those days for me, Jennifer. I guess I haven't quite come to an acceptance of myself. The later 40's and 50's must be a time of life when all of our shortcomings suddenly become glaringly obvious...our failings catch up with us, both in our health and emotionally. I do believe that this is a time of great growth and that I must learn to accept the love of God for me in a way that is deeper than I have ever known.
I have a lot of thoughts on this...but I have to run to haircuts.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 15 2012 at 1:18pm | IP Logged
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You're not whiny, Jenn, you are normal.
I am about to turn 50 and this is the first birthday I have actually looked forward to since turning 40. I finally feel ready to embrace middle age and a half-empty nest.
I wonder sometimes if this has to do with my oldest getting ready to transfer to an out-of-state university - proof he learned enough at home to survive two years of college - and my realization not too long ago that in just three years I won't be teaching any of my children at home. I'm not sure yet what I will do with my time (I have many things I'd like to do!), but it's fun to daydream now and then.
I do wish I had more time to exercise, and I'm hoping I can do something about that once Easter/Confirmation are over and the extended family visits draw to a close. I feel terribly unfit, and I need to lose some weight. That's depressing.
One thing I tried to do this winter was to appreciate the "stark beauty" (my husband's words) of the season, and that did help - normally I think of winter as dead stick season. Looking for beauty helped me get through the cold, dark days. (So did the lack of snow!  ) And now that spring is here I am smiling all the time - I made it through winter!
I go back and forth about my grey hair - more grey and less brown every year - but I have not yet decided whether to leave it alone or partially camouflage the grey.
On the fertility side, we pretty much knew after DD was born that she'd be our last child...and I've been working with my doctor each year to plan for a healthy transition to middle age. It helps me to do that; I feel more in control.
No real answers for you, Jenn, but lots of empathy.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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joann10
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| Posted: March 15 2012 at 5:28pm | IP Logged
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I also can't really accept the fact that I am 46.
I think for me it is because my "baby" is almost 6 years old. I always have had a little one around for the past 24 years and it makes me very sad that those days are gone. My fertility ended abruptly 5 years ago with an emergancy hysterctomy...so that has been hard.
My main goal is to get healthier...I'm sure that will help my outlook on things. I want to lose weight and regain some mobility that has been lost to rheumatoid arthritis. I want to be able to enjoy fun with grandchildren.
It's been a long, lonely winter, I also don't have friends to stop in for a chat, but I am concentrating on making times with my grown-up children fill the void. Just this past week, all ten kids were together and it was so good to see them laughing and playing together. It makes me realize that even though I look back and see how much I have failed in this mother role, something was done right to have such great grown-up children. That makes me smile when I am at my lowest.
Thank God for this forum, because it supplies that connection with like minded women that I desperately need.
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KC in TX
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Oh, gosh, Jenn. I totally get it. I'm 41 going on 42. The end of fertility has been hard. Realizing that I'm not the mom I truly wanted to be has been hard (not that I'm a terrible one, but the mom I was picturing I would be is not in me).
I wish I could come over and have coffee with you. I'm still trying to figure out a way to have a mom-cation. 
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: March 19 2012 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
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Jenn, I've been thinking about this post for days and plan to get to it the next time I have computer time. In short...it gets better  . Praying!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Donna Marie
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| Posted: March 19 2012 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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{{{JEN}}} I hear you...I will be 42 this week and I just saw my head in natural light in front of a mirror. I used to have these cool red highlights in my dark hair...it looks like God is trying a new color scheme on my head  dark with silver highlights  ...and my twins turned 18 this past year and I have no idea where I will go from right here right at this moment!!! WOAH! STOP the TRAIN NOW!!
I do hope and pray that I will have more children. But Only God can know that. I am trying hard to work on getting me to be healthier and more quiet in my heart so I can be the woman God created me to be. It gets so noisy in here... in my head...in my head AND my house. I squeeze prayer in all of the nooks and crannies and it does add up. It makes me feel more of a woman of purpose.
Oh, boy! am I ever aware that I have so much imperfection in me...and there are signs of that imperfection of myself allll around me...in the house, in the kids, in well, EVERYTHING. I figure that is a GOOD thing. I can be very humble then. God is the perfect one and I SO NEED HIM! I pray for Mary to take over my life every day. I am just her little child clinging to Her skirts and I so understand I need to keep myself there and try and imitate her example but only she will be the one that is genuinely perfect in Her own actions. Gulp. So it is. At least my heart is with her...dirty and scuffed up a bit.
I so feel that I am starting to get the concept that this world is not our true home...things change too much and are so temporary. I have to understand (so I keep telling myself) that I need to allow God to hide my beauty deeper in my heart and manner instead of reflecting it ONLY in a mirror...ouch!
I do concentrate on the small and little...the way my dh's eyes wrinkle in the corners when he is amused (and try and not notice that his face is getting a bit more aged looking and his hairline is starting to make a full frontal assault on the back of his head (his words!)
I try and see the dimples in my kid's smiles and their ever growing toes. I try and lean into all of their kisses and embraces and try to make the moment count with love.
Yeah, that love thing...it is what you take with you, so THAT is what I am concentrating on. It makes me feel better.
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God love you!
Donna Marie from NJ
hs momma to 9dc!!
Finding Elegant Simplicity
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SallyT
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I dunno. It is hard, and I empathize. Having one child out of the house has, weirdly, made it easier in some ways -- I miss her, but sliding into the role of "Mom on the phone" has been something nice that I hadn't expected. It's gratifying to see a child I brought up and educated solving her crises on her own, and just being there as listener and friend (and I like that she calls on me to fill that role). I can anticipate the pleasures of adult children in a way I couldn't just a few years ago.
I spent my early-mid 40s pining to have babies . . . now that I'm 47 I'm beginning to feel a bit of the freedom of *not* having babies. My youngest is eight, and this year we've finally hit that sweet spot in homeschooling where *everyone* can spend time working independently, which means that I can work alongside them on my own projects. That is very, very nice.
I'm working now on getting back into shape -- early menopause has wrought havoc on my body, but some changes in diet have begun to give me more energy, and I've been able to shed a few pounds already. That's encouraging. Again, the silver lining of older children is that I can leave the house to walk the dog and not have to take the youngers with me. At eight and nine, they can hold the fort for half an hour while I do a tour of the neighborhood (and then I also still have a teenager to call on when I need to be out longer).
I'm also an introvert, and life in our small town can be a little lonely sometimes, but on the other hand, I feel far closer to my husband and a keener sense of my need and gratitude for him. There is something about getting older with a person . . . we have friends not much younger than we are who are *still* trying to find someone to settle down with, which just makes me want to weep with gratitude that I don't have to be doing that. I actually look forward to a time when the kids are launched and it's just the two of us -- that's still years away, and God willing we'll both still be in good health and able to enjoy each other. I don't want to rush the children out, but I can imagine really enjoying the space, the quiet, and the time. Assuming the kids get jobs and don't all move back in with us . . .
Of course, being older, I find that I'm shorter on both energy and temper than I used to be, and that's a cross (for my children, really, more than me, but I ought to be bearing it). I do see and worry about my shortcomings more than I think I used to. But then, it's hard to remember exactly what I used to do.
On the other hand, I do really savor my days with my kids. I'm so grateful for homeschooling, even when it feels like a burden, because I am getting to have real days with these people, and not just leftovers at the end of a school day. I love the conversations I get to have with them, most of which just happen out of the blue. I love that the people starting these conversations are the ones I'm accustomed to think of as the babies, even though one of them is about to be ten.
I don't know. It is hard not to be young any more, but in other ways it's freeing. And there's never an end to growth and discovery -- as I'm discovering all the time.
And yes, I'd love to come have coffee, too.
Sally
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stacykay
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| Posted: March 20 2012 at 8:48am | IP Logged
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Jennifer, I had to wait a few days to respond, as I feel very much the way you describe. I'm now five days from turning 49, my "baby" is going to be 8! in June, I don't get out enough with female friends (and often feel lost in this jungle of men!,) the obvious neglect my body shows, from, as you mentioned, lack of discipline, etc., etc., etc.!
My oldest sis (who will be 65 this December) has always said, "Once you hit 50, you just go downhill and it all falls apart." I have been so determined to not do that, but, honestly, I haven't done anything to prevent it, either! I have only just started back up with my walking. I know I need to take a hard look at my food choices. My spiritual life definitely needs some reworking. And I do feel a bit fearful. My parents have both passed away, and I miss having them around. At each stage of life, different challenges pop up, and what I am experiencing now was nowhere on my radar back when I had them around, so I never got to ask, "What do you think about...," or "What did you do when..."
I am grateful I can come here and glean some of the wisdom of those who are a little ahead of me. 
Just know that you aren't alone, Jennifer!!!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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stacykay
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Oh, and I forgot to mention the part about omissions. I have been thinking about those a LOT. I finally decided it was doing me no good, getting upset about what I can't change in the past (while still wondering why in the world didn't I just do x,y, or z! Darn it!,)but doing whatever I can, now, to improve whatever area I feel bad about, and mostly, it all relates to my family or faith life. It's amazing how much a person can kick themselves for things from their past. I remember watching Mother Angelica, years and years ago, and someone had called in with something, saying she had taken it to confession, but she still couldn't get to a point of forgiving herself. Mother admonished her and said that if God can forgive, you have to, too. So much easier said than done!, but I am working on it!
And looking over this, I may be way off from what you meant, and I may have given way too much information....
I'd better get back to prepping for school (the boys had a class this am, so they will be home, shortly!)
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: March 22 2012 at 10:14am | IP Logged
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Jenn, I've been thinking about 2 things since reading your OP. I only have time to write about one, then I hope to come back about the 2nd. It's not like I have any wisdom to share, but it is helpful to share in this time together.
Around 44, life became very hard for me...crazy hard! And all this hardness lasted for several years, and now I'm inching toward 49 and much has settled down .
On the brightest side, my older children have enlarged my world! I feel more alive and engaged in LIFE than I have in years. My world is bigger...making me smaller...in a GREAT way. When the children were all little, I was their world and I LOVED that season. I was particularly attached to being very influential and solving problems and becoming holy (in a youthful, vigorous way.) Yet, right in there my deep, deep flaws were able to hide - even thrive  (more on that in another post.) Now I get to take a back seat and go along for the ride, literally since I have 2 drivers  . And I LOVE where they are taking me! Now I'm like a mom to many teens and young adults, their friends. While my world is BIG, I help in little ways...ways that are SO neglected in our culture. I cheer at baseball games. I make and hand out rosters so others can cheer. I run a little blog for the baseball team so that other parents know where they are going . I make dinners for college kids. I host parties for my friends. I go to breakfast or lunch with girlfriends. SWEET! The ways that I can show love for my neighbor has increased, helping me to feel very full, hopeful, purposeful...LOVING!
I'm off to the first game of a HUGE four day tournament now  . Praying for all of us! Thanks so much for each of your posts...you all help me in ways that I appreciate more and more .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SeaStar
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| Posted: March 22 2012 at 11:51am | IP Logged
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This thread is so full of great thoughts and wisdom.
Jenn, I feel your pain. At times my world also feels very small (though a bit larger now that my daughter is doing well and we can go out to resaurants again).
Stacey- your thoughts on forgiving yourself and moving on have been very timely for me. Thank you.
Angie- I am looking forward to hearing your second thought.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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Elena
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I'll be 53 my next birthday. Two things have really helped me to cope with mid-life and looking onward -
The Divine Office - nothing can focus you on the passing nature of this life and getting ready for the next like the office. If you use the divineoffice.org you can get thrugh the morning prayer in about 16 minutes or so.
Exercise.  sorry but there's no way around it. And I found out last year that if I just do it as soon as I get out of bed and get it over with, it goes much better for me! So i do that and then pray the office and then get the kids up. That has helped me out this year a lot.
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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stellamaris
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I've been thinking about this topic all week. One of the great benefits of growing older is that you realize all that there's no rush...you don't have time to get it all done, anyway!
I completely understand your feelings as you reflect on where you are now in your life and where you have been. The last ten years for me--between 45 and 55 (soon! Yikes!) have been the most challenging of my life in so many ways. A lot of that challenge has been the result of my own weaknesses and shortcomings...sort of the chickens coming home to roost! But there have been physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges unrelated to my own failings as well.
I do think I have learned a lot through these times, though. Maybe if I can share with you the positive results of the challenges you are facing, you will have more hope:
1. When I was younger, I knew life was a limited proposition, but I guess I didn't really believe it would be so short. Now I know how fast it goes, as the Scripture says, "My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle." (Job 7:6a). It is the case that the days ahead of me are probably shorter than those behind me. Because of this, I am learning to live in the moment. I'm more intentional and thoughtful about how I spend my time; I'm less likely to just do things out of obligation and more likely to do them because they are valuable to me or others in my life.
2. I am more willing to be myself--to say what I think (charitably, I hope) and not have to compromise just to keep others "happy". So I feel I am stronger as a person and witness to Christ.
3. I have learned how few answers I have to life's big questions. Even if I have an answer, I have seen through my own experience that doing what is right is completely different from knowing what is right. So I think I've grown in humility and also in my reliance on God's good grace.
4. I struggle still with accepting my failings, but I think I am doing better with this than in the past. One thing that really helped me in this regard was the DVD series I mentioned before: Living the Discerning Lifefrom EWTN by Fr. Gallagher. One of the things he talks about in this series is how the enemy not only causes us to feel desolation and discouragement now, but how he casts a pall over the past, too, making us question whether we ever did anything worthwhile for God. He is a thief, and he tries to steal our joy in the present moment and fill the past with despair, too. I really recommend that series; it has been so helpful for me in causing me to re-focus on the consolations of God and the power of centering our thoughts on God's good and perfect gifts, and in helping me let go of bashing myself over things in the past the can't be changed. Not that I'm completely over that, but...
5. Lastly (well, I have LOTS more to say, , but I'll spare you that and go to "lastly"!), having your youngest child turn 4 is kind of a milestone. Suddenly you will find yourself having more free moments, and that can be great! But, it can also cause you to feel a bit at loose ends. You aren't "free" enough to pursue a lot of your own interests yet, but you're not quite so constantly needed by the children. It is a time of transition, even when not accompanied by the changes getting into mid-life brings. So be patient with yourself and give yourself time to move forward into a new, and as Angie so aptly described, "BIGGER" place.
My prayers are with you, Jenn. I do hope I can meet up with you soon...expect a call!
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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stacykay
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Jenn, thank you for beginning this discussion!!!
Thank you all who have contributed! Your words really hit home with me and give me encouragement!
I am so very grateful for the sharing and kindness I have found here on these forums.
Many prayers for all!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Angie Mc
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If I drag my feet long enough in responding, Caroline will answer for me...what she said!
Jenn, I hope I can articulate this correctly...I used to think that by merely growing older and experiencing more in general, that I would grow (in a linear way) in wisdom and holiness. Now I know this isn't true. In part, what makes these years difficult is the loneliness of the narrow *meandering and mysterious* path, at least for me. I have felt sorrow at needing to leave friends behind - and being left behind - because of different paths, with the most loss felt among my Catholic homeschooling friends. At this age I can no longer be the young, enthusiastic, cooperative type. My eyes see the pitfalls more clearly now of that season (pride, control, superficiality, etc.). Now I'm more likely to see that the best I can do on most days is to give my attention to God, dh, children, and duties. That's plenty.
My personal shortcomings simply glare now. Whatever I managed to hide (not on purpose of course) or avoid or minimize has come to the forefront. I never thought I was all that great...but this bad?! "I thought I would be better (as in holy, wise, kind, whatever) at this point!" was my thought, often. I sooooo had a picture of the woman I wanted to be...and I wasn't. But praise God I wanted to...and still want to...change - to conform to His will and be pleasing to Him.
Enter...the outside world. Yep, they thought I was a loser. Seriously. I've been scrutinized in the most horrific and utterly vicious ways and have been judged not worthy. I've lost, lost, and lost again to those with some authority and with an intense need to put me/my family/our religion/our values "in its place." It's honestly very frightening.
I had a very hard time reconciling who I was with who I wanted to be and who others thought I was. So let's see...lonely, discouraged, confused, and misunderstood. Not exactly a recipe for happiness.
But after a few years of living with the reality that I'm a worm (per St. Louis de Montfort: O God of our fathers, Lord of mercy, Spirit of truth, I, a mere worm of the earth, prostrate before your divine Majesty...) I started to settle in to my new wormly self...a woman deeply in need of God's Great Mercy.
Then after much suffering, it began to lift. I was given little sweetnesses, here and there. Friends. Baseball. Craft beer. Twitter. Nutella. (No, I'm not kidding!) I started to gain strength, not so much in myself, as in my relationship with God and my role here on earth. I'm much more comfortable in the truth of myself now and honestly enjoy life so much more than I could have dreamed. I'm a creature of God. He loves me. I'm happy. I try to do good but in the end, He calls ALL the shots...and loves me...ME!
So, hang in there my dear friend. You are not alone in identifying this time as a difficult one. You could choose to make it easier...just stagnate, I suppose. But you won't. You'll insist on growing...closer to God. And the struggle is worth it ALL .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 30 2012 at 11:33pm | IP Logged
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There's lovely, if a bit overly modern song that talks about being a Daughter of God...and I think Angie's wise post reminds us all that we can aspire to nothing more...and nothing less...than being just that. And when Our Lord says we are His brothers and sisters, He means it.
Angie's right. This does not square or cylinder-ize or triangulate with the outside world. We suffer because we believe, especially here and now in the USA.
I've discovered this Lent that something you and I in particular take for granted, Jenn, namely, knowledge of the saints and their stories, is not well-understood amongst the Catholics my age (several years older than you) or their families. You have something to share, right at this time of your life. And, as a Catholic, wife, mother, educator, catechist, writer (and much more), you are in a position to explain how saints illuminate our lives and how celebrating their feasts brings so much joy to the liturgical year.
I agree with you - growing older is scary and frustrating at the same time. Just as I pop up, urging you to become more involved, I see so many people stepping back.
This is truly a season for prayer!
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: So, What Do You Do?
