Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.



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St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
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Babs
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Posted: May 20 2011 at 11:50am | IP Logged Quote Babs

One of my sons got married recently and I am trying to navigate through this new experience of having a daughter-in-law. To make it even trickier, I have all sons. If you search online, it would appear that being a mother-in-law is possibly the worst thing you can be. It is seriously all negative. I would like to find a site similar to 4-Real, where I can connect with other MIL's for advice and support. The few things I saw when I searched seemed to be for venting and complaining, which is definitely not what I want. Any ideas?
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Posted: May 20 2011 at 12:13pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

I'd hang around here and ask those ladies who are MILs stuff.

But one thing that really helps me with the reverse.. is remembering that the most likely irritants are where my MIL and I are most similiar.

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hylabrook1
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Posted: May 20 2011 at 1:23pm | IP Logged Quote hylabrook1

Thinking over my experience as being a daughter-in-law and, more recently, a mother-in-law, I would say that one aspect of the relationship is that you need to respect where your dil is coming from. Even though she shares many values with your son, and so kind of second-hand with you, she was taught by her own mother. You can love her like you would love a daughter, but she is not your daughter, iykwim. Listen to her thoughts on various matters when you are talking with her. Coming from a different family culture, she likely approaches some things differently than would be the case if she had been raised by you and your husband. Respect that. Ask her about her take on things and truly listen to what she says. Also, she and your son need to develop their own family culture, so she might have some ideas that are not part of either your family or of her family of origin.

Another thought is to remember that she is young. She might at times speak as if she has all sorts of things worked out, and you know that the reality is that those things aren't the way she seems to think they are. Often this is stuff about child rearing or homemaking, and you know she doesn't have the experience to back what she believes the answer to be. But be gracious. Know that she will learn what she needs to do or how she has to be when she is confronted with situations in the future, and just listen (unless she is truly saying something that is off the wall). She will learn from her experience, and she will grow and mature. Often *young people* think they understand certain things and, then, as they mature, they realize how off the mark they were. But that's all part of her growing; taking issue at this stage or correcting her will in the long run do more harm than good to your relationship.

I don't know whether my comments address what you are asking about, but I hope they are helpful in some way. Being an in-law is probably tougher than being a mother. I will pray for both of you.

Peace,
Nancy
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Elena
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Posted: May 20 2011 at 4:04pm | IP Logged Quote Elena

There is the biblical example of Naomi, who was so loved by her DIL Ruth, that Ruth willingly left her homeland to be stay with her MIL.

I am not a MIL yet, but my oldest has a long-time girlfriend and she and I have had our growing pains. I try to remember that she does not have my perspective or experience and that reminds me to be patient and loving with her. I think Nancy nailed it on the head whe she said that sometimes young women think they have it all figured out - I think we have to just let them figure it out sometimes.


When I think back about what my in-laws did that was great I remember, the birthday and anniversary cards, the thoughtful personal gifts like a bathrobe and slippers, and giving us space. Offering to help with out criticism was also very appreciated.

Your DIL could be one of your closest friends and be as dear to you as a daughter if you play it right. Congratulations!

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Posted: May 23 2011 at 9:25am | IP Logged Quote teachingmyown

I am not quite a mil, yet. But I do have that relationship with my granddaughter's mother. My advice is to offer advice only when asked and then stay out of things. I really believe that if she feels your respect she will love you and want to learn from you.

Good luck!

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Posted: May 23 2011 at 9:31am | IP Logged Quote MicheleQ

hylabrook1 wrote:
Thinking over my experience as being a daughter-in-law and, more recently, a mother-in-law, I would say that one aspect of the relationship is that you need to respect where your dil is coming from. Even though she shares many values with your son, and so kind of second-hand with you, she was taught by her own mother. You can love her like you would love a daughter, but she is not your daughter, iykwim. Listen to her thoughts on various matters when you are talking with her. Coming from a different family culture, she likely approaches some things differently than would be the case if she had been raised by you and your husband. Respect that. Ask her about her take on things and truly listen to what she says. Also, she and your son need to develop their own family culture, so she might have some ideas that are not part of either your family or of her family of origin.

Another thought is to remember that she is young. She might at times speak as if she has all sorts of things worked out, and you know that the reality is that those things aren't the way she seems to think they are. Often this is stuff about child rearing or homemaking, and you know she doesn't have the experience to back what she believes the answer to be. But be gracious. Know that she will learn what she needs to do or how she has to be when she is confronted with situations in the future, and just listen (unless she is truly saying something that is off the wall). She will learn from her experience, and she will grow and mature. Often *young people* think they understand certain things and, then, as they mature, they realize how off the mark they were. But that's all part of her growing; taking issue at this stage or correcting her will in the long run do more harm than good to your relationship.



Nancy's advice is spot on in my opinion.

I have been a mother in law for almost 3 years.

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Posted: May 23 2011 at 12:09pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

again speaking as a DIL.. don't just

Quote:
Often this is stuff about child rearing or homemaking, and you know she doesn't have the experience to back what she believes the answer to be. But be gracious. Know that she will learn what she needs to do or how she has to be when she is confronted with situations in the future, and just listen


Sometimes she might actually know something that's different from what you learned.

Nothing is as frustrating as being told that you don't have the experience to know something when you have the education to know it. And having someone talk constantly about how great it is for women to get their college degrees and then to ignore what is learned from that degree because it's not what you learned 20 years ago.. is a rather frustrating feeling.

Things change. Studies change. New information comes out. Remember that even without experience, education can provide a young woman with knowledge even without experience.

(and psst... I was right )

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Erica Sanchez
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Posted: May 24 2011 at 1:33am | IP Logged Quote Erica Sanchez

I heard a talk on the Focus on the Family radio show the other day about this exact topic. The woman speaking was delightful and she has written a book The Mother-In-Law Dance. She's the MIL. :)

I only heard a portion of it but it was so good! My sister and I joke often that we hope to be the type of mother-in-laws that just ask 'what do you need' or 'what can I do for you' and refrain from giving advice when not asked for or butting in, etc. I expect this to be very difficult for me, so should maybe start reading some of this stuff now. :)

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Posted: May 24 2011 at 7:47am | IP Logged Quote guitarnan

As a 25-year DIL, I might also add that it's most helpful to give gifts that don't have conditions attached to them, especially if the gift involves travel to visit you and your DIL's family also lives nearby.

We had this issue not with my in-laws but with my parents, who had to be reminded (by me) that there was no way I could bring the grandchildren to see them and not take them to see my husband's parents, too - even if my parents paid for my travel.

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Posted: May 24 2011 at 8:17am | IP Logged Quote stacykay

teachingmyown wrote:
I am not quite a mil, yet. But I do have that relationship with my granddaughter's mother. My advice is to offer advice only when asked and then stay out of things. I really believe that if she feels your respect she will love you and want to learn from you.

Good luck!


I'll second Molly's advice, here. In watching what went right for my mum and dad and their relationship with my bils, my parents never stuck their nose into anything, unless they were expressly asked for advice. They, my parents, never sought to ever make guilt a part of their relationship, and that led to a wonderful lifetime of happy memories for our whole family. They were at all times supportive, even if the routes chosen weren't what they would have taken. And when things did go wrong, they never said "I told you this would happen," they were just lovingly there to do whatever they could to help. They realized that each one of us had our lives to live, and they couldn't do it for us, even if they knew that we could have avoided many painful times. Fortunately, the suffering we have all gone through has strengthened us and made us who we are, today.

From my parents support, I had the flip-side with my in-laws. Strike one against me was that I hadn't been born Catholic (convert in '83 from Episcopal.) We also, married too young (I was 22, dh was 24,) didn't have a million dollars in the bank , went to our own church in the college town we lived in 30 miles away from them, had the wrong color bridesmaid dresses (really! I had asked my mil to go dress shopping with me since my mum was in FL- now how many mil-to-be get to go and help future dil pick out her wedding gown and her bridesmaids dresses? She said NO! When asked what color her bridesmaids wore, she said it was too long ago to remember! So I went with lilac. My mil hates any purple in anything- I didn't know- and this was a HUGE deal to her,) and picked the wrong godparents, etc, etc, etc, well, I could go on for what seems like forever. Those were the things that distressed them.

For me, their constant criticism hurt. Yes, I did resent criticism of house-keeping, not being Catholic enough, not knowing how to take care of a baby (and as an RN, with pediatric experience, this really hurt, as I felt they were not just criticizing my parenting, but my abilities/intelligence as a nurse, too.)

I worked very hard to overcome all their doubts about me. Most everyone we know agrees they are/were (my fil passed away in 2000,) extremely difficult and most said they wouldn't have kept trying with them. I now have a great relationship with my mil. She is still eccentric, but we get along so well, she now considers me her daughter (no in-law) and when she went through diagnosis and surgery for breast cancer, I was the one she wanted to go with her to all her doctor appointments, to ask questions and explain it all to her. She even has me as the person to call for medical decisions.

Now, it has been 26 years in the making (well, 26 tomorrow!,) but it's been a good road to maturity for both of us and worth it!

One of my closest irl friends also has six sons and a difficult mil relationship (her's has persisted.) We've both taken to writing down all our own personal do's and don'ts, with hopes and prayers for dils who will love our sons, and at least like us, too!

In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Posted: May 24 2011 at 12:40pm | IP Logged Quote JennGM

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. It's not without clashes, but overall, we get along very well.

I'll third what Molly said -- give advice only when asked.

Be a good listener -- that is key. No need to insert opinions!

When you visit your DIL, her house, her rules and her way. Don't try to change things or do it your way when not on your own turf.

Offer to help, offer to visit, offer to bring gifts, but ask HOW to help, when is a good time to visit, what kind of gifts. Work with your DIL so that you are supporting her way of raising the children.

My MIL gives advice only when asked. She respects that we do things our way (and it helps that dh is totally supportive, so it's a "WE"). When she talks about how things were done in her time, it's presented as her memory and how she did things, not a wrong or right way to do it. Her way isn't the only way, and she sees that. She may not understand bfeeding and homeschooling, but she respects it.

I have been so blessed on how supportive she is in all our "different" areas...and she is proud of her grandchildren and children. Two ways that have really touched me is her way of changing recipes and cooking to fit into my son's allergy need. As she is 82, it's not easy to do something different, and yet, she bends over backwards.

And with the homeschooling, she sees the results and she even brags about how we homeschool. At first, she didn't understand. She stood back and watched, asked questions to understand, and now thinks it's wonderful.

I only have boys, and think about this often. My dh has wonderful family memories, my MIL was a great cook, and so I like to bring in family traditions and recipes. In that way I honor her and dh. My sons are bearing the same last name, so I want to keep on the family traditions.

The only time I think we would interfere is by talking to our son if we saw moral or religious problems with the grandchildren (or with them)...like not attending Mass or receiving the sacraments. But some of that I think is better coming from dh if he's around. That's what my MIL says...if her husband was around, she knows he would say something to his sons...but she doesn't always because her role is different.

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Posted: May 25 2011 at 11:21am | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

I look forward to reading all the replies here later.

My quick response is to include her in all "family" pictures...especially on her wedding day (I'm almost over that one .)

I'm not a MIL yet, but may be sooner than I had anticipated. Right now I'm working very hard to become smaller in relationship to my teens...change my role to mentor and servant and cheerleader. I imagine that this practice will help me to truly accept and respect that, once married, the couple has the privilege, right, and responsibility, to live their life...make their mistakes...as my dh and I did. I plan to only give advice if asked for EXCEPT if there is "big harm or big damage" involved...so my kids know that I will say what is hard or what needs to be said if necessary, like a safety net. Too many young couples are neglected and left without any support under the guise of "it's your life" which can actually be a cop-out and abdication of the never-ending parental role. So...I can see a lot of on the job training and mistakes but my heart REALLY want to just love up the young couple...fill them with love, joy, and generosity...based on what they want and need, not on what I want and need.

Love,

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Posted: May 25 2011 at 12:31pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

Just one thing.. on the giving of advice.. for "big things".. make sure that it's actually what is going on before you start giving advice. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to get advice against something you were never planning on doing anyway.

Or make sure you listen to the reasons.. I find it hilarious now.. we were looking for a used suburban.. and dh family all would go on and on about how a mini van would be so much better.. and since we ended up with needing to buy on very short notice.. we did get a mini-van.. and we were told how much better that was for us than what we wanted... until that winter when we were visiting and it was snowing pretty hard.. and then we heard "you need 4 wheel drive" isn't that what we'd been saying was one of the reasons we wanted the suburban?

But the only thing you will accomplish with advice when you haven't really LISTENED is you'll hear about everything after the fact and only when necessary.

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Posted: May 25 2011 at 4:42pm | IP Logged Quote stacykay

Angie Mc wrote:
I look forward to reading all the replies here later.

My quick response is to include her in all "family" pictures...especially on her wedding day (I'm almost over that one .)

....Love,


You too, Angie?     It sure does hurt!    It took five years after our wedding for them to consider that I might be included in "family" pictures, and this was after 2nd ds was born! Oh the lessons I've been stockpiling!

In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Posted: May 25 2011 at 9:57pm | IP Logged Quote Nique

Something I'll do with mine (still got aways to go) however, talk to her like you do with your best friend. Even imagine you're talking with your best friend, when sharing something with your daughter-in-law.

My MIL started doing this about 10 years after I married her son, and since she has started doing this, it's made a huge difference in our relationship. For example, a recipe you're excited about, explaining how a doctor's appointment went, or your trip to the grocery store where you bumped into your old professor.

When I first got married, it sometimes felt she was friendlier to people she met on the street, than with me

I often wonder if it was her own best friend gave her that advice?

Because things are much better now

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Posted: May 26 2011 at 9:15am | IP Logged Quote stellamaris

I have found being a mother-in-law to be both a blessing and a challenge. I have two married sons, and so I feel I have only a little experience. Here is what I have learned, and what I am still learning:

1. Your daughter-in-law is not your daughter. You can not easily give her advice or act as a "mother" in her life. You can become a friend, a sort of sister, and an older, experienced resource all in one.

2. Building these relationships takes time.

3. It might be uncomfortable or difficult for your daughter-in-law to reach out to you--you are in the more secure position and this is all new for her. Make the effort to keep on reaching out to her. If you are lucky, you will have a wonderful dil like one of mine, who has really made a big effort to be involved with us in many ways.

4. It's a fine line between being honest and forthright and being controlling and critical...can't say I always get this right, but I keep trying to be "speak the truth in love" when it is NECESSARY (there's the rub!!) One of my dil's is on this forum sometimes, so she can testify that I sometimes fail on this one!

5. Recognize that different approaches to child-rearing, home-making, education, and marriage relationships can be equally valid. Accept that your children and their spouses WILL make different choices for themselves and their families than you did. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. As I look at the dil who is the mother of my grandchildren, I am often in awe of her patience, kindness, and awareness of her children. She is tremendously creative, talented, and bright. I can see the many ways she is such an excellent mother and also the perfect wife for my son. The better I get to know her, the more I appreciate her unique ways.

6. Fear is a significant and detrimental factor in the mil-dil relationship. Fear that your children are not old enough to marry, fear that you didn't "finish" raising them, fear that your dil won't like you, fear that you will be a bad mil, fear on your dil's part that you won't like or accept her, fear she has regarding her own abilities as a wife and mother, and so on and so on. Commit your way to Christ, accept His unconditional love for you and your dil, and try not to speak or act out of a spirit of fear. If you find fear to be present, I recommend Eucharistic Adoration. Spending time with Jesus and giving Him our fears is so healing. "Perfect Love casts out fear."

7. The toughest issues for me center around the Faith. I believe if my children remain close to God, the other questions of child-rearing, home management, work and life decisions, will all be affected by their Catholic faith. If they are seeking the will of God, then even if I disagree with some specific thing they are or aren't doing, I can still be confident that they are proceeding in the right direction.

8. When our children are young and we are homeschooling them, we never really consider that fact that one or more of them may turn away from the Faith we have taught them. Sadly, it does happen sometimes. Having to face the issue of whether or not to attend a non-Catholic wedding of your child is heart-rending and I hope you never have to face this. Having a dil who is anti-Catholic and anti-Christian stretches me to learn to love truly yet without compromising my faith. I wonder how well I will do when children are involved and Christian morals and values are not being given to them. However, I am learning that I can still reach out, love this couple, and pray (of course!) for them. I try to make frequent casual contact, see how they doing, and include them in all family events, etc. This is an effort that not only I but the whole family has to make, as the presence of one or two people who are opposed to the faith certainly affects the mood at holidays like Easter or Christmas (everyone else in the family is a practicing Catholic). Nevertheless, I hope and pray that this particular dil and son will know that I love them regardless of their current situation with regard to the Faith and that that knowledge will eventually help open their hearts to Christ. I pray my son will return to his Faith and guide his family to God as well. If you could say a prayer for this intention, too, I would really appreciate it.

May God bless us all and strengthen us as we embark on this new learning adventure of being a mother-in-law.

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Posted: May 26 2011 at 11:37am | IP Logged Quote hylabrook1

Your eloquent words are so beautiful, Caroline. Thank you. You family is truly blest to have you as their mother and mother-in-law.

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Posted: May 26 2011 at 1:25pm | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

stacykay wrote:
Angie Mc wrote:
I look forward to reading all the replies here later.

My quick response is to include her in all "family" pictures...especially on her wedding day (I'm almost over that one .)

....Love,


You too, Angie?     It sure does hurt!    It took five years after our wedding for them to consider that I might be included in "family" pictures, and this was after 2nd ds was born! Oh the lessons I've been stockpiling!

In Christ,
Stacy in MI


STACY! You made my day! I feel very silly right now but I actually burst into tears reading your empathy and receiving your hugs!!!! Isn't God good? Little hurts that I never thought to share...tried not to make too big a deal about...actually did need some healing. Thanks SO MUCH, SISTER and here's a right back at you .

Love,

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Posted: May 26 2011 at 3:17pm | IP Logged Quote momtomany

Nothing to add, just eagerly reading here since I'll be a mil in 16 days!!!   My biggest worry will probably be when they start having children since my future dil is not religious at all.   

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Posted: May 26 2011 at 10:20pm | IP Logged Quote Barbara C.

I have been very blessed with my MIL. We got along from the beginning (she's a wonderfully nice person to begin with). And she thinks everything I do is perfectly perfect; she has never said an unkind or disagreeable word to me in our entire relationship. And I can talk to her about ANYTHING. I am very blessed. My parents have been really great to my husband, too. (Both of their mothers were very controlling and caused lots of trouble, so my parents try not to interfere.)

I think what makes good in-laws include:

1. Not offering unsolicited advice.
2. Offering advice, but acknowledge that it may not be followed.
3. Offering sympathy when your child complains about their spouse's shortcomings, but developing a certain amount of amnesia afterward...don't get involved in their arguments or hold things against the daughter/son-in-law.
4. Express your concerns respectfully, but be prepared to let them go once your concerns have been acknowledged.


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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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