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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 9:51pm | IP Logged
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Okay...my son has an essay due tomorrow and he is playing video games. He is sure he can get everything done on time (even though he has overslept his alarm for the past two days). I am so trying to let him take responsibility for his learning experiences, just as if he were in a dorm room somewhere else.
I'm not doing a great job, not today.  He needs to reprioritize before his grades fall to C's instead of A's and B's. We've already had one (civilized, yay me!) discussion about priorities and schoolwork today...
I need tips for moments like these - the back off and let them flounder moments - the ones I am paying tuition money for him to experience.  At some point he needs to realize how important all of this is, and it's not happening right now.
All advice, anecdotes, prayers, cliches, etc. welcome. I am a frustrated college mom!
TIA! 
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Elena
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 10:00pm | IP Logged
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This happened to my sister with her oldest son.
She quit paying tuition.
He took some odd jobs, eventually learned how to tend bar, and then decided he needed to get his education. He returned to school and payed his own tuition. Now at the ripe old age of 24, he's done and has a degree!
Another kid from our homeschool group didn't want to go to college. Did a bunch of other jobs, and finally decided to go into the service. That seemed to work for him.
So if you let him flounder and pay his own way, it might not be the end of the world! and it might be the best thing to happen!
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 10:11pm | IP Logged
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Nancy, Dave and I are still working out some details (and Devin isn't under my roof but lives 20 minutes away) so I know the struggle. Here are a few things that are working (I hope!)
The 3 of us had a meeting, and came up with a contract that includes responsibilies of all three parties and consequences (both natural and thrust upon by parents) if contract isn't fulfilled. Dave also has a meeting with Devin once a week - part of the contract - where she is held accountable.
My main job now is to be her cheerleader, food provider, and contact person for daily travels via texting. Here's the hard part...I stay out of the classes/grades/homework area - that's for Dave. Deep breath...deep breath...
I'm closing up the computer for the night. If I think of anything else or you want to pick my brain, I'll post again. Let's pray for eachother - this is HARD!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 11:22pm | IP Logged
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These are all great ideas. My son knows he needs a 4-year degree to pursue any of his dreams...but is reluctant to set aside the freedoms of childhood.
We've talked (briefly) about his essay; I have a feeling I'll be looking it over tomorrow morning, early...
Since my dh is not always available for oversight, it looks like I'm it. My personal hard-to-let-go issue is that first things (school) should come first, not be left for the last minute, competing with sleep for priority. I was easily able to make this adjustment at his age, so I can't figure out why it's so hard for him. Adulthood is here...albeit tempered by the college experience...it's time to step up. He says he gets it, but...
...and if he were off at Purdue or College Park, it would be his issue - exactly why I struggle. He's here, not there, and asks for coping tips...only to ignore them for the most part.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 12:21am | IP Logged
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Hmm. That's a tough spot to be in.
You know, just because a person is "of college age" doesn't necessarily mean they are completely emotionally ready to be independant. Just as we recognize that our young children mature at different rates for reading readiness, logical thinking, etc, we have to remember that our older children mature in their own time as well. Some kids are totally ready to be on their own at 18. Some most decidedly are not. Variety, you know?
Think about it this way. If your son WAS at that college dorm,on his own, would he be doing better, or would he be floundering just as much as he is at home if not more?
Does he *need* you to step in for a while longer? Because there is no shame in that-- in recognizing that he maybe has not matured to quite the level society says he should have by now. I think it is true of many college freshman, hence the huge drop-out rate.
Perhaps a transition year or two, where he has some adult responsibilities but is not totally independent would be a good thing. Of course, at his age you would have to have his buy-in to make it work. He would have to recognize where he needs help and you would have to recognize where to back off.(The hard part for us moms, right?)
But on the other hand, if you truly think he is mature enough--that it is an issue of laziness or poor choices, then perhaps stepping back and letting him fail a bit will jerk him into reality. Sometimes one bad grade is all it takes to realize mommy aint coming to the rescue any more.
And only you and your husband (and your son) can know which is the real case.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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hmbress
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 4:47am | IP Logged
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Nancy, when I was in college my dad had a formula for how much financial assistance I would receive for the following quarter based on my grades from the prior one. An A was worth x amount, Bs less, Cs still less, etc. All
"A"s for the minimum credit hour load would earn me full tuition, extra credit hours earned me extra money. That was a very good motivation and my grades improved significantly my last two years in college, after the formula was put into effect.
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Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 8:37pm | IP Logged
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What I've told myself is that it's all a process and some people have a greater need to learn from personal experience rather than someone else explaining things to them. And, when things do turn out not so great, let the experience itself be the lesson, minus the "I told you so". Our children really don't want to be *that guy* who messes up big time, so they will straighten up after stumbling. But, boy, remaining quiet and patient while watching all this happen is definitely not easy.
Peace,
Nancy
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 9:20pm | IP Logged
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I'm sure it must be very hard to watch. But I'm a procrastinator.. and nothing anyone said would've helped me not be so. I had to figure out for myself how much time I really needed for doing things.
Many nights I sat up drinking kool-aid and eating popcorn while working on papers due the next morning.
BUT realize also that while I left the physical act of writing out the papers for the last minute.. that doesn't mean that I had spent no time thinking about it.
For instance I remember one paper that I actually asked my professor about because I heard from so many people in the class that they got a C or D or other rather unexpectedly low grade and all these laments about how many hours they put into it. And here I'd written it the night before so I'm thinking about a quarter of the time these others had put into it and yet I had a solid B.. she was the one who looked at me and said.. but that wasn't the first time you'd thought about it was it? oh.. no it wasn't.. I had never considered the time I was "just thinking" to be part of the process. My major was a smaller group so we had 3 professors for most all of our classes so this professor knew me fairly well.
But really it wasn't until *I* was tired of the lack of sleep that I really figured out how to get it done sooner against my inclination. Not because I didn't believe anyone else on why to do it earlier but because it's harder than you might think to change that inclination. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 24 2010 at 11:12pm | IP Logged
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Jodie, BTDT. I was pretty organized in college, but definitely not perfect. And I see my son thinking and thinking before putting his thoughts on paper. The problem is that he thinks schoolwork is #2, not #1. This has to change, eventually. School is his #1 job.
My dh had a great suggestion (since my parents have saved up a lot of money to help ds with college) - have ds report his grades to Grandpa instead of to us. (Ouch. My dad has a Ph.D from Caltech and grew up poor. This could work!)
In the interim, my son knows he has to have a homework tracking plan set up by early next week...and knows, too, that I don't have to be the backup alarm clock.
This is hard but not impossible; heck, I've sent my husband off to war (no email) and dragged my children all over the western world. We need a new equilibrium, one in which my son steps up and tracks his due dates, assignments, tests and projects.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Anneof 5
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| Posted: Sept 30 2010 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
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My ds20 is a sophomore in college living at home. He drove me nuts last year, studying in front of the TV, leaving papers to the last minute, everything was fly by the seat of his pants. I had to step back. He asked me to let him handle it himself and I agreed. It almost felt like a relief to me. He ended up his first year with a B average in spite of it all. He pays half of his tuition and says he will graduate and get a degree...I have to trust him. Right now he asks me to pray for certain things like tests, etc., and unless he asks me for more help, I am leaving it at that! It is much less stressful for me this way and I cannot expect him to be like my dds or me.
Anne
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Oct 04 2010 at 9:39pm | IP Logged
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Nancy, having your son report to Grandpa is perfect! I hope things are improving.
I thought of a few other things...
Does your ds have enough work? Sometimes bright students slide along because classes really are easy for them. Often they come out on top. Every so often they get caught with their foot in the door (which may be easily absorbed.) If he isn't challenged, he could consider a credit increase next semester and/or more difficult classes or join an honors college.
Another help that my dd and some of her friends are taking advantage of is getting spiritual direction from a campus priest. I can't tell you what a relief it is for me to have dd receive direction and accountability outside of me.
Is he happy with his social life? The reason I ask is that he might get more into his studies if he was studying with others students and/or getting studies done so that he could hang out with friends. Since my dd isn't in the dorms, we've helped her to find ways to build friendships in other ways. This Saturday she is having an open house, inviting old and new friends and their friends, serving food for a crowd, hosting ping pong and watching the ASU game. We're looking forward to it!
My dh and I are firm. Have a B average (doable for this student) by the end of the year or you have proven that you are not ready/willing/able for college at this time and we will not financially support another year. That's fair in our book. College isn't for everyone. For those who it is for, it is a privilege, not an entitlement. We strongly encourage the direct college route (go full time right after high school) but also see that some will choose/need to follow a different path to a degree.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: College Student at Home/De-helicoptering
