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Elena
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| Posted: April 16 2009 at 11:15am | IP Logged
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You might have discussed this before and if so I apologize for bringing it up again.
Have you had to deal with illness/death in your own parents?
My mother was very healthy until 11 years ago. She survived major brain surgery and was healthy again until recently. She has lived with multiple myeloma, but just recently we discovered she has stage III ovarian cancer. The doctor says her prognosis is not good.
I've lost my in-laws, my father, beloved grandparents, but losing my mother is going to be very difficult.
How do you balance accepting with what must be while at the same time hoping that she can recover to be the best she can be for as long as she can? It's like dealing with two ends of the spectrum at the same time.
Anxious to hear everyone else's experiences.
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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SueW
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| Posted: April 16 2009 at 11:32am | IP Logged
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Dear Elena,
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, and will be praying for her health and for you as well.
I don't have any advice to give, just empathy. I have a tendency toward denial. We went through a similar situation with my father-in-law, who died at 67 of non-Hodgkins lymphoma just two years ago. Even a week before he died, I reminded him that he needed to get better so we could take him to the movies again. He didn't really reply to that comment- he knew.
His lymphoma was chronic, and I thought the 'zapping' would continue to take care of it for many more years, because it had, up until then.
Well, this probably doesn't help much but remember you're not alone.
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Sue
wife to Mike~
dc Aaron, Christopher, Matthew, Anthony, Mary Rose, Elizabeth, Magdalene, Susanna and John
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 16 2009 at 1:26pm | IP Logged
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I don't know.. my step-dad is dealing with tumors in his lungs.. has been for a while but this one is in a dangerous location.. and how I deal with it is.. offer help that I can (they're in AZ and I'm in OR so not like being in the same town) but pass along information (apparently T-Tapp helps cancer patients deal with chemo) and help where we can (I did find a place they could park their rv and live in it for cost of utilities but it's a difficult location but it's still there is the money situation became desperate)..
try and prepare for the worst (my mom would likely come up here and we don't have room for her at our current house.. and it's pretty small for us anyway and so we're working.. slowly.. at being able to move to a better house)
But then not dwell on the worst.. but still keep hoping for the best. I think a lot of it is simply focusing on the tasks and not the reason for them.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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seven2hold
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| Posted: June 11 2009 at 12:48am | IP Logged
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Elena,
You have had so many losses. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.
My mother died 4 1/2 years ago. I miss her so much. I can't type without crying. It is rare for me to get so emotional now, but it happens occasionally. She was a wonderful and talented woman. She had a beautiful devotion to the Divine Mercy and Our Lady.
My Mom died from fallopian tube cancer. She was only 62.
When she was 44 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fought hard and beat it! When she was celebrating 12 years free of breast cancer, the doctor's found the fallopian tube cancer. Fallopian tube cancer's prognosis is simillar to ovarian.
It is a difficult to prepare yourself and your children for her death while you also foster hope for her recoery or at least more time together.
Supernatural Hope is the balance between expecting the miracle that you have faith God could provide and accepting his will over your own even when it is the death of someone dear.
We spent years spending every Christmas with my Mom & Dad instead of my MIL, because "it could be her last."
I don't regret that decision one bit. Now my MIL spends almost every Christmas Eve and Christmas day here with us.
My Mom fought hard and long. She did not want to die. She loved Daddy so much and all of us children and her grandchildren. On more than one occasion we thought the end was looming very close. My #3 DD had her First Holy Communion in my Mom's living room in Feb., because we didn't know if she'd make it to May. I also had a sonogram to find out the sex of my #6 (son #3) because she wanted to know (I did too). She wanted to buy something for him incase she wasn't here when he was born. --- That year my Mom (and Dad) had 4 grandsons. They were her sweet peas. And she held them all!
I remember once talking with her while she was fighting the fallopian tube cancer and I said that she was dying. She looked at me and said "Kathy, I am living." And that is exactly what she did. She spent every day she had living and loving all of us until Jesus called her by name.
Thank you for this opportunity to share my mother with you. I hope I've helped at least a little. Your mother and your family are in my prayers.
__________________
Kathy
Wife to John
Mother to DD(91), DD(93), DD(95), DS(98), DD(00), DS(01), DS(03), DD(05), and DS(07)
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lilac hill
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| Posted: June 11 2009 at 6:30am | IP Logged
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Elena,
Praying for you here, not just for your mother's health but for the emotional roller coaster that you are on.
My mother died after 10 years with early onset Dementia.
I still get emotional, I still cry and call my sisters to say what triggered my missing Mom so much, I listen when they call and are missing her and I share this with my children and husband.I also share stories about my mother and try to continue some of her little ways, consciously, so that perhaps my daughters will say,"Grandma did this or that."
It seems like as with all our other relationships, we just get through "stuff" one day at a time.
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Viv
Wife to Rick (7/83), Mom to dd#1(6/87), dd#2(1/90), and dd#3(6/94) in central PA.
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Elena
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| Posted: June 11 2009 at 7:30am | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies.
Today I am going to a care meeting and I think we are going to finally talk about hospice. Mom doesn't want therapy or treatment, but she does want to be comfortable so that is the route we are going. Just trying to deal with this one day at a time now.
Thanks for sharing all of your experiences It is helpful to learn from each other.
__________________
Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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stacykay
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| Posted: June 12 2009 at 2:17pm | IP Logged
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I had to simply pray for God's will. My dear mother had a near-fatal heart attack back in Jan. 2001. For the week and half after that, railing to get her moved to a hospital for better treatment and surgery, I spent most of my "waiting" time praying a rosary and reading the Psalms. God gave me an incredible gift of peace and acceptance.
My mom died nearly a year later, suffering through almost 12 months of terrible congestive heart failure. Towards the end, she was in such horrible pain, couldn't even stand to be touched, that we did have to move her to an inpatient hospice facility. She was quite afraid of being alone, and my dad and I promised her we would never let that happen. My dh watched the kiddies, would pick up me to eat, drop me back off and pick up my dad, feed him, and drop him off. My dad spent all day and night with my mom. I was there most of the time, during the day and part of the evenings.
My mom was much closer to the end of her suffering, and was only in hospice for a week.
I know that I probably cried nearly every day for the first year, and at least weekly the second year. Those first two years were quite difficult. It is just that I missed her so much. There are days now, when I hear a song, or smell her perfume, or just anything that triggers a memory, I can be reduced to a puddle of tears. I anticipate that this will always happen.
I have to share- while at Mass one Mother's Day, many years ago, I saw an older gentleman (about early 80's) who was standing in the vestibule, visibly shaken and crying. I went to another lady, as I had a cranky toddler, and asked her to see if he was ok. She did, and I watched her talk to him, smile and hug him, and she came back. I asked if he was ok, and she said, yes, he said he was just missing his mom.
I will pray for you and your mom, Elena.
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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crusermom
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| Posted: June 12 2009 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Stacy for that story. Sometimes I feel that there is something wrong that I miss my Dad so much - he has been gone 10 years. The year before he died, I was pregnant and would drive the five hours to see him as often as I could. I just sometimes want to shake people who still have their parents here - to appreciate them and spend time with them. I know every circumstance is different, but once they are gone - that is it.
Elena - for me - it was my Dad that was tough. I miss him every day and as I type this I can get teary eyed. Though it is tough, it makes me a better person. My mom is still here. I am so blessed that my brother lives with her and takes care of her. My husband being in the Army prevents me from being there. When my Dad was alive, we were within driving distance. I just use the phone as much as possible now.
I will pray for you - it is very difficult. Just be there as much as possible.
Mary
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Mary
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: June 13 2009 at 9:45am | IP Logged
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Elena, I don't think we can ever completely reconcile dealing with ailing loved ones, or missing them when they have passed away, while we are still this side of Heaven. There are no perfect ways to handle a loved one's potential or eventual death. While we pray with hope for their renewed health and continued presence with us, we must also pray with acceptance of God's perfect will, for them and for us.
It can be extremely difficult to juggle all the dynamics and emotions that are packed into such times, yet those can also be seasons of immense grace, if we allow it. Immersing yourself in prayer, as much as possible, can be a spiritual lifeline. One thing that truly helped me during several times of loved ones' illnesses and deaths was realizing how close they are to seeing the Face of God and allowing myself to truly experience the grace that can be present when someone is gravely ill or dying.
I've lost my father and two brothers, along with several other family members, but my mother's death last year, in the midst of trying to bring her to live with us, was the most painful loss. We knew she was not long for this world, as her health had been declining more rapidly, but we were still hoping, praying and making plans to have her with us. God had better plans...now, she no longer suffers. There is no easy way to balance all the emotions and dynamics of hoping for a loved one to be well, yet still accepting their possible death. No matter how much you pray and try to be realistic, while remaining hopeful, when death actually occurs, it can hit you like a ton of bricks...sometimes the reaction can be delayed for months, even years.
I do think losing one's mother can be particularly difficult. Tears flow at the most unexpected times...I've learned to just let them come, often in the shower. I loved Stacy's story of the elderly man who missed his mother...my own mother missed her parents a great deal, even many years after their deaths, and she spoke of them often.
Perhaps the lesson we can best hold onto is to cherish and make the most of the moments we have with one another, here and now, while we are still in the land of the living. We are many miles from our older children and grandchildren...I miss them as much as the loved ones who've passed away, but I try to focus my attention on making the most of whatever time God allows us to be together!
May our Lord give you special graces and blessings during the days you still share with your mother. May your times together be filled with profound love, serenity, mercy and joy.
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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Elena
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| Posted: July 06 2009 at 4:08pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom and encouragement. My mother did pass away on June 22. I've blogged about it somewhat because it was a very difficult death from Ovarian cancer. All of your responses were very important to me.
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
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Maria B.
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| Posted: July 06 2009 at 4:11pm | IP Logged
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My mother in law passed away on June 30th. I have some more to add later.
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Maria in VA
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MaryM
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| Posted: July 06 2009 at 4:20pm | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry, Elena and Maria. My deepest sympathy to both of you on your losses.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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stacykay
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Elena and Maria, my prayers are with you both.
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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SueW
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| Posted: July 07 2009 at 8:14am | IP Logged
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Maria and Elena, I'm so sorry to hear about your mothers. We'll be praying for their repose and for your families.
Blessings,
Sue
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Sue
wife to Mike~
dc Aaron, Christopher, Matthew, Anthony, Mary Rose, Elizabeth, Magdalene, Susanna and John
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seven2hold
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| Posted: July 07 2009 at 10:02am | IP Logged
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Elena and Maria,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are both in my prayers.
Kathy
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Kathy
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Cay Gibson
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Elena,
I'm so very sorry to read this. You have my prayers. I have been told that losing one's mother is one of the hardest lessons in life.
My husband has lost both his parents and has told me that a day does not go by that he doesn't think of each of them. He has handled their passings well and I take strength and learning from his example, but I know it can't be easy.
God bless you, dear.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: Elderly parents
