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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: March 10 2007 at 5:54pm | IP Logged
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Maybe I'm the only one with teens that balk - or worse - family rosary, going to Stations, weekday Mass, Lenten practices,etc. But maybe, just maybe, someone else out there has dealt with this and has some input on it. Or maybe YOU were the teen who was difficult about these things??
Some thoughts I'm mulling over after some difficult moments with our 16yo and 18yo (in 3 days) sons.......
1. Can you MAKE a teen go to confession?
2. What's the best way to deal with a teen who doesn't want to participate in family rosary and says, 'don't make me pray'?
3 Just how do you keep the sparks alive in the faith of teenage boys? We've hsed all along (but 18yo has been in ps last 2 years) and our faith has been central to our lives. I really don't know what we could have done differently and yet our oldest are both, in different ways, on rocky ground with their faith. And I see our 14yo starting to balk about things too, subtly but it is there. The 12yo and unders are so good about it all, open, joyful and positive about our faith. And, what scares me is that our 18yo was that way too at one point. And now I have to make him go to Mass each week.
I feel like I have battle fatigue. The EAster Vigil is coming up and it is our tradition to all go together. I can foresee a battle with our eldest and it certainly effects all the youngers, but mostly me. sigh.
more I could say but dinners ready....
Theresia - mom of 8
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Philothea
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| Posted: March 10 2007 at 7:34pm | IP Logged
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Wow. I only have a nearly 3-year-old, so I have no advice. But you are in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 10 2007 at 8:01pm | IP Logged
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Theresia,
You do need to make your teen go to Mass each week. I would invite him to confession when you're going, but not force him. With my son (15), I do a lot of "strewing" and "overhearing" things...ostensibly I am reading to my younger dd but he always eavesdrops, and generally gets interested. I think the shorter, simpler lessons and saint stories appeal to him for some reason.
I think, were I in your shoes, I would insist on Mass and on religious education (at home or through the parish), and invite him to everything else.
I must confess, I loved all the Triduum things from a fairly young age. I can't imagine not wanting to be there. But...every person is different and grows into faith in his/her own way.
As long as my children live at home, I expect them to attend Mass and say grace at meals. Period. I hope they'll do more. They can't help but learn about the Faith in spite of themselves, because our house is full of Church activities, religious art, etc.
I will pray for your son, Theresia!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: March 11 2007 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
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You can't force Confession, but you can make them go to the Church with you and sit there.
You can force Mass.
Most of the time, we require our son to sit with us at prayers. We don't require him to lead a decade, or pay attention to whether he is speaking the prayers out loud. But, he has to be there and be respectful. There have been times where he has been told to leave because he was disruptive. It is worse for the others to see his disrespect than to see that he isn't there.
I don't know how to keep them interested. I really think that they need outside influences, like a good youth minister, to keep their faith interesting to them. Otherwise, just keep praying and offering, without preaching. Every so often, we see a glimmer of hope. Ds 15 went to Confession two weeks ago without any prompting from me. For this kid, this is huge!
You and I seem to deal with the same personalities in our boys. The hardest thing is to get them to understand the harm they do to the younger kids when they openly defy us or belittle our family prayers and beliefs.
Prayers coming! God Bless!
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: March 11 2007 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
| I don't know how to keep them interested. I really think that they need outside influences, like a good youth minister, to keep their faith interesting to them. Otherwise, just keep praying and offering, without preaching. |
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Molly speaks from experience so listen to her. I agree whole-heartedly with what she wrote above. A good outside influence can prove extremely beneficial.
Also, children know if you sway, when you sway and how you sway. Don't sway, remain steadfast. Show by example how important these things are to you and for your faith journey.
Another advocate for inviting your teenager but not forcing him is Mother Angelica herself. I heard her say this years ago on EWTN to a distraught parent who was wanting their teenager to join the family in prayer time.
You have my prayers, Theresia.
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Cay Gibson
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wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
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Willa
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| Posted: March 11 2007 at 5:35pm | IP Logged
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Theresia, I agree about holding firm with essentials like weekly mass and inviting but not forcing with the other things.
I was thinking that a lot of people I know who have older kids have various strategies for making family devotions and confession more inviting. For example, I know a mom who would take her teens to confession and then to get an ice cream sundae. Little things like that. Probably wouldn't work for a somewhat cynical or resistant teen, but that sort of thing built-in naturally as a tradition might help the younger members of the family who haven't yet reached that more resistant age.
We presently say only a decade of the Rosary together, sometimes two, as a family and then the people who want to will say the whole thing and the others go about their day.
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Willa
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Maturemomg
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| Posted: March 11 2007 at 9:07pm | IP Logged
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Oh Boy!
Been there, done that.
Oldest ds left for the seminary at 17- NO problem with him.
Second ds was led astray by a "young female" girlfriend. Dh and I did not approve of their relationship (for many reasons).
She was not Catholic and led him away from the faith. As you, our faith is central to our lives (we had been doing weekly Adoration hours and monthly confession as a family for YEARS). Anyway, he rejected all that.
We basically had many talks with him. It came down to this:
If you live here, under this roof, you WILL attend Mass. You do not need to believe and do not have to go to Communion (SHOULD not, if you are not in communion with the Church). But, for the sake of your younger siblings, Mass attendance is NOT optional. While we did not have any bitter falling out, he choose at 17 to leave home instead of comply with that. That was MAJOR tough love. I am not sorry we did it. It showed him, as well as his siblings that this is MOST serious to us. Had he been the youngest, we probably would have made a different choice. Had he been a girl, I don't think we would have chosen the same. We did so only after much prayer and counsel by a holy priest. For us, in that situation, it was a good choice (we think). It is not the only or best choice in any situation. It depends.
Now, he is 25, married with one child, and successfull in his Navy career and marriage. Attending a Christian (but not Catholic) church. I have great faith that he will come Home (to the Church) someday. (The woman he married is not the aforementioned one. His wife was raised Catholic but fell away from the Church as a teenageer when her mom divorced and left.) We get along well with him.
I will pray for you and your family. This is NOT an easy situation.
Yours in Christ,
Kathy
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Maria B.
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Wow Kathy! I so admire your honesty and wise words and good counsel. You are your husband are to be commended for your "tough love" and your unfailing trust and hope in the Lord. God bless you and your family!
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 12 2007 at 7:14am | IP Logged
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I don't think you can force confession. Right now, I have two teenage boys. One goes to confession weekly and has been ever since he got his driver's license two years ago. I only recently learned this. Apparently, he's been going on his way to soccer practice. As a result, he has a great relationship with our pastor who has provided excellent spiritual direction.
The second son, who is four years younger, nearly missed confirmation last year because he did not want to go to confession. He's got his own theological reasons that he needs to work out. Spiritual direction would be really helpful in the working, but this child is painfully shy and doesn't want to talk about it with anyone. We're praying and trying to be patient and respectful.
To me, once a child is a teenager, to force him to go to confession borders on sacrilege. How can you shove him into the confessional and expect that the confession will be sincere?? Don't go through the motions if you don't believe. However, the teenager lives in a family and must be respectful of the beliefs and practices of the family. We go to Mass as a family and everyone must go along.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: March 12 2007 at 12:33pm | IP Logged
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I appreciate everyone's comments so much and wish I could comment individually on them. I certainly agree with the general consensus. I plan to give our eldest the confession schedules for the various parishes around here, and tell them that we really hope they will go. The 16yo will probably be with us when we go as a family so I imagine he will go, but we wouldn't MAKE him. Sunday and Holy Day Mass is nonnegotiable. And I hope dh will have a talk with 14yo and 16yo about the need to respectfully be present during our family prayer time for the sake of the siblings. Let's face it, often a man will be called to do what he doesn't feel like doing, for the sake of others.
I had a hard weekend, feeling totally overwhelmed and fighting despair over the state of our teens right now. But I'm feeling better today. I am a bit concerned though about my ds turning 18 tomorrow. by the way he has been talking lately, things could get ugly around here when he relizes that even 18yos have to follow family rules. sigh. I also just got a card from the school notifying me that he was 1.5+ hours late for school last Friday.
duty calls. My persistent 4yo is not going to give me a minutes peace until I get him some OJ.
praying for discernment, wisdom, courage....
Theresia
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Leonie
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Theresia, I agree with Cay that one must be steadfast.
And I agree with the others - one can force Mass but not Confession/Reconciliation.
I would suggest finding a specific novena for your dc, for you and your dh to pray together. And perhaps seek some spiritual direction from a priest who knows the family?
We haven't dealt with these issues but we have dealt recently with the whole girl friend, email, text message thing - and I understand how easy it is to despair. I despair mainly at my own failings, that I think help to cause my kids to stumble...We can all pray together for each other in our vocations, was what I concluded recently at my blog. Prayer helps!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 13 2007 at 7:27am | IP Logged
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One more thought...sometimes parents do all the things they are called by God to do, and teens still go astray. There does (and should) come a time when our children will have to make difficult decisions and live with the consequences of those choices. We're supposed to educate them, pass along the Faith, prepare them for adulthood - but in the end they will be adults who must decide for themselves how they will live their lives.
I'm with Leonie; in the end our prayers are our most powerful instruments as our children grow older. We must pray and pray and pray. I know my mother would tell you that prayer does work when it comes to being a young adult (she prayed for something very important for years and her prayers were answered in the best possible way, through Our Lady's intercession) and when it comes to being a mom (I'm sure her prayers turned me from a very bad, life-changing decision to a better path).
Perhaps we could pray a novena to someone (St. Monica?) for Theresia and all the parents of teens here?
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: March 13 2007 at 8:31am | IP Logged
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There is a lot of great advice here. I am only at the beginning of the teen years, but I do have a 13 yo ds who isn't naturally inspired by all things holy. 
We recently switched parishes. We drive almost an hour each way to go to one that is especially reverent, with all boy altar servers, etc...
I have seen HUGE changes in ds just from attending at this parish. I think the difference is both the reverence but also that when women are not lectors, ushers, and altar servers, the men step up, and ds sees that and it sets a wonderful example of Christian manliness and personal ownership of the faith. I think ds was seeing all the women volunteering left and right in our old parish (and men often don't step up when women are so willing to volunteer) and getting the idea that religion and spirituality was feminine.
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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: March 13 2007 at 12:29pm | IP Logged
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Leonie wrote:
I would suggest finding a specific novena for your dc, for you and your dh to pray together. And perhaps seek some spiritual direction from a priest who knows the family?
Dh and I have said MANY ;) novenas in the past year to St. Monica, St. augustine, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, etc. We're in the middle of a 54 day Novena that extended family is also saying for each others intentions. Needless to say, our 18yo is at the top of our intentions. I do get some direction from my brother who is a priest, via phone. He is wonderful and I know is going to give me good advice. Maybe it is my pride that keeps me from seeking help locally. I'm not sure either priest around here is real keen on hsing or large families. I'm afraid I might be on the defense or not be as open as I should to their assistance.
I understand how easy it is to despair. I despair mainly at my own failings, that I think help to cause my kids to stumble...We can all pray together for each other in our vocations, was what I concluded recently at my blog. Prayer helps! |
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Oh, I hear you. I can see how far in some ways dh and I both have come in the past few years. But I can really fall into some negative thinking - why, oh why are things like this, what have I done wrong? willl all my dc have issues like this at teens? It robs me of my joy in the present moment. And that is WRONG!!
Theresia
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Cathmomof8
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guitarnan wrote:
Perhaps we could pray a novena to someone (St. Monica?) for Theresia and all the parents of teens here? |
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Yes, yes, yes. Let's. ;) What's the best way to do that here? I have a good novena to St. Monica somewhere for parenting. hmmmmmmm. I'll look but won't probably be able to get back online until tomorrow. For today I'm busy with birthday dinner prep - mint chocolate chip ice cream angel food cake frozen cake, ham loaf, lil sallie potatoes, sweet potatoe bake, etc. And it is in the 60's here in Ohio today, so I've just gotta take the littles to a park during 14yo sports training class. But I'll share the prayer my db sent me today....
Lord, I commend the past to Your mercy,
and the future to Your providence.
Help me to live the present moment
in the joy of your love.
Theresia-off to peel potatoes and rally the kids to get this house picked up....
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anniemm
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I haven't read all the posts, and I don't have a teenager...but I'm not that far removed myself at 24.  My husband just recently moved to the business world after 5 years in high school youth ministry and catechesis. After experiencing this with him, and seeing so many teenagers fall away (granted, the VAST majority did not come from wonderfully faithful families like you all!), the thing that sticks in my mind for a teenager is *an experience.* No, our faith should not be bound up in emotional experiences, but having a big converstion experience often times will turn a teenager back to the faith, based on what I've seen and in my own and my husband's lives. You can have all the knowlege in the world of our Church and beliefs and be a holy follwer of Christ. However, teenagers are so emotionally driven, that these experiences can create a drastic turn-around. Maybe see if you can find him a good quality retreat to attend this summer? My personal "conversion" (I came from a family much like yours I think, we did nightly rosaries, attended confession, etc, and I *hated* doing that stuff, except mass, until after this retreat) occured on a NET Discipleship Week. Those are good, and all over the country. Also, there are several Steubenville weekend retreats that are absolutly life changing for many kids.
As I said...take this with a grain of salt, as I am certainly not coming from a place of experience  , but this is just what came to my mind!
Of course, you can always petition St. Monica. :-)
NET's Discipleship Week
Steubenville High School Youth Conferences
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Teens and Lent, family prayer, confession
