| Author | |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 9:29am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
In the topic, "What to do with the anger?" Servant wrote:
Servant2theKing wrote:
One concern I feel led to share...if at all possible, you and your husband need to try to act as a united front and work together for the sake of your entire family. |
|
|
I, too, have felt called more and more to think about what a "united front" looks like to teens. Why is it important? How do we define "united front?" How do parents develop this habit?
In the same thread, I posted about relationship triangles. The idea of a united front fits with this idea because it turns two people into one voice which eliminates the triangle. Interesting!
(A united front isn't the only way to tackle triangle problems, btw.)
More questions...How do we show a united front without it losing both masculine and feminine virtues? What does a united front look like when husband and wife disagree?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and practical tips!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 9:52am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi Angie (hey, thanks for the food funnies BTW on my prayer request thread), one way we "show a united front" is to talk about an issue beforehand, before actually talking to the child/children. We can then iron out any differences we have, provide each other input, and then decide who the "main speaker" is and who's the "backup". So any disagreements take place *behind the scenes*.
Doesn't always happen that way here, of course. In some instances, what we do when "winging it" is to agree with each other, and then provided another option -- e.g., follow what dad says, or you can also try blah-blah-blah, what do you think, Dad? and then dad agrees or further expounds.
Then there are the other (rare) instances when I just don't agree at all with what hubby's saying, and in that case I'll leave the room to keep myself from saying anything  and talk to him afterwards, and decide if the situation needs rectifying or not, or if we should just wait and see.
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
guitarnan
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 10883
|
| Posted: Feb 13 2007 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
The United Front approach does work...it's a bit of a challenge when dh is away (as he is now, and I am sure there are other families facing this challenge). I try very, very hard to anticipate what ds will say when I present him with an unpleasant (from his POV) choice. Then I try to talk with dh somehow, so I'm sure he's on the same wavelength. This helps me a lot. Sometime's I am waffling and dh is very strong and sure in his opinion. Just knowing that dh is backing me up strengthens me...even long distance!
It really helps to be able to say, "I've already discussed this with Dad, and we both feel..."
I don't mind our kids seeing some mild give and take between me and dh...it's part of life and I certainly don't want them to think that I decide everything and dh just comes home and nods his head...but any serious disagreements need to take place out of kids' hearing, for many reasons. Even a small argument can lead a child to think divorce is imminent...
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Feb 14 2007 at 7:55pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm fortunate because I can call my dh during the day if a teen/child is pushing a limit. It's like the cell phone provides a modern day version of "Wait til you father gets home"...without the wait .
I've been thinking that our weekly family meetings help, too. dh and I come prepared and the children know that they can bring their needs/wants to the meeting. Just seeing us together - a physical united front - helps. Having us in one place at one time also helps throughout the week as in when I say, "Can this wait until the family meeting?" or "Bring that to the family meeting." This also buys dh and I time to prepare.
Great points, stef and Nancy. Thanks!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Feb 15 2007 at 10:31am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I just wanted to comment that I thought your information about the relationship triangle was very valuable, Angie. I started to write about how this works in our home but didn't really say anything that Nancy and Stef hadn't already said. But I really appreciate you posting the information.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: Feb 15 2007 at 4:06pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I was going to write what Willa wrote. Pertinent information.
I have also come to see how crucial the united front is, and it does not always come easily, esp. if you disagree with your dear spouse about the direction (or lack of one) he is taking with your teen---MUST TRUST.
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2007 at 3:53pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
WJFR wrote:
| I just wanted to comment that I thought your information about the relationship triangle was very valuable, Angie. |
|
|
Thanks, Willa. I came across this concept years ago via a book called "The Dance of Anger" (this was pre-reversion years - can't vouch for the author's philosophy but her behavioral tips were helpful.) At the time, I was in a triangle between my parents (one confided in me about the other.) I remember learning to say things like, "I love you both and I know you'll work things out between you" and "I can see that you are frustrated. I'm confident that you two will work this out," and for some variety, "That is so difficult. I'm so glad that you two will work things out between you." The goal was to not get between their relationship - to steer them back together. It worked like a charm! In fact, it worked so well, and so fast (I had to stick to my guns for only a few weeks - repeating over and over again the same thing) that it completely "changed our relationship dance" forever.
Little did I know that I would find myself using this same "triangle skill" with other relationships - co-workers, dh and his family, my children. Staying out of triangles is a gift that keeps on givin'  .
Nina Murphy wrote:
| I have also come to see how crucial the united front is, and it does not always come easily, esp. if you disagree with your dear spouse about the direction (or lack of one) he is taking with your teen---MUST TRUST. |
|
|
I'm embarrassed to say that there was a time not too long ago that I honestly struggled with this in a huge way. I'm a very active, problem-solver, personality. I like to talk and fix things yesterday. I don't mind conflict at all because I feel that it part of figuring out what is wrong in order to solve it. Now, I find such peace in facing the honest truth...my dh has a special grace from the Holy Spirit through our marriage that provides guidance and direction for this family. Period. So my job is to TRUST him and his timing...to trust God and His timing. Will you all remind me that I wrote this when I struggle again in the future  ?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2007 at 5:08pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
If you'll remind me.... 
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
Forum Locked) 
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: united front
