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juststartn
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We're expecting #4 in June. DH said this last week...
"This will be the last one". I didn't reply. He knows I am not happy about it (I've not gone on and on about it, or done the whole silent treatment, but he knows...iykwim).
I know I have some time before I must deal with this "for real" since I have the rest of this pregnancy, plus DHs deployment (he leaves in Apr/May for a yr in Iraq) and the bit of time beyond that (it takes me til the baby is about 14 mos old to get to being normalized hormonally)....but I need to cogitate on it...
Dh is Catholic...at least nominally. He will not read anything, watch anything, or listen to anything (CD-wise) at this point (he feels it is my way of being "pushy" and nagging, in general...). I have spoken briefly with my priest. His information confirmed what I already knew/strongly suspected...
But have any of you had to deal with this issue before? Have you had any "success" in bringing DH around? I really cannot use NFP to even post pone, not with any really good results, as I have PCOS and it really makes my symptoms hard to read...until after the fact, of course.
Any advice would be appreciated....greatly. And prayers, well, prayers are always needed.
Thanks.
Rachel
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Michaela
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juststartn wrote:
| But have any of you had to deal with this issue before? Have you had any "success" in bringing DH around? |
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(((Rachel)))
I'm not sure exactly when, but we had three children & DH told me "no more". I cried for a few days  , plead my case  , and then left him alone.
My situation is somewhat different because we couldn't get pregnant...so each month he'd see me upset and crying.
Finally, I noticed a change of heart.
We finally got pregnant, but miscarried.
A year later, we got pregnant with Teresa (Thanks be to God)....well, during the pregnancy he started up again with "we're done". Teresa is here now and my husband is in love. He said we need to hurry and have another because he's not getting any younger. 
I think it was stress and worry.
After our twins, life went a wee bit nuts. I didn't handle going from 1 to 3 very well. Suffered with PPD and let me tell you they were challenging. Then the heartbreak of a miscarriage. He was so worried during this pregnancy we didn't sit back and enjoy it the way we had before.
Sorry for rambling on....do you know why your husband doesn't want anymore children? Could it be stress? or worry about you? He may be concerned about leaving you for the year to Iraq.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Martha in VA
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juststartn wrote:
But have any of you had to deal with this issue before? Have you had any "success" in bringing DH around?
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Hi Rachel,
Yes, I have been there. I knew within 4 months of my husband's vasectomy that the Lord wanted us to be open to more children. However, it was a long journey of prayer and waiting for the Holy Spirit to move in Dh's heart before we both were united on this. I want to encourage you to commit this issue and your Dh's heart about it to prayer. Most likely, there's nothing you will do that will "bring him around". From my experience, anything I did to try to convince Dh was perceived as manipulation and sparked anger and distance in him. It wasn't until I decided to stay quiet and commit to praying that I saw the Lord work this out in Dh. We eventually reversed his vasectomy......twice.....but that's a whole 'nother story!!
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juststartn
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| Posted: Jan 22 2007 at 2:25pm | IP Logged
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Well, he's not too concerned about me, handling the dc, etc. We've done it before (he's been gone 3 yrs out of the last 6, if that makes any difference). He left when I had a 5 1/2 wk old, a 5 mos old, and a just shy of a yr old...(different deployments). This will be the last deployment, however. No way is he going to be able to stay in any longer than that (he's got some bulging disks, and if it weren't for this deployment, he'd already be medically retired--he's over his 20 yr mark by a year already).
I think his main concern (if it IS this) is the whole getting a civilian job. But I don't think he realizes that by saying "no more dc" he is also saying, "no more marital relations" Cause that's the ONLY way it's going to happen. All of the other options are either unthinkable, or very unreliable (NFP, for me--not the case for every woman). But by putting a permanent "NO MORE DC" stamp on things, welllllllll....it wasn't a "maybe we ought to wait and see about things after I get a job"....but NO MORE DC PERIOD.
He's not going to like being told he's condemned himself to a "relation-less" marriage. I don't like that he's condemned ME to it! SIGH. Of course, if I could get him to talk to our priest, he might see WHY...but he's not going to like it...
SIGH
Rachel
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Paula in MN
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Rachel,
If I am reading your post correctly, your dh is leaving in April or May, but you aren't expecting your #4 until June. And you said that it usually takes 14 months for you to get to being normal  .
I think you should give him time, which you are going to have, and just pray. He may be concerned about this next deployment, and thinking of you being alone with a new baby to raise along with your other 3 children.
IMOO
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 Paula
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JodieLyn
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and don't forget that our dh's are just as likely as anyone to say soemthing that they feel without working through the ramifications.
As far as NFP.. couldn't you wait until O is confirmed and then you'd at least have however many days to the end of your cycle.. even if you can't use the time before O at all.. few and far between but at least something. And remember you don't have to be the one to say "no".. you can just let him know where in your cycle you are and that pregnancy is a possibility.
He's got lots of time to work through his feelings.. and change his mind. Praying for him will surely help.
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Jeanna
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Rachel,
I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. I have never been in this position and don't really have any advice. I will keep you and your dh in my prayers.
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Jeanna
Mommy of 7 arrows.....
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Becky Parker
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Rachel,
I prayed the novena to St. Joseph and my husband changed dramatically. I also have a friend whose dh was going to get a vas. and she prayed it as well. He changed his mind and told her one day that it was God's decision how many kids they have. So, I guess I would suggest the novena to St. Joseph. (By the way, I didn't stop at 9 days but prayed it continually for a year - every morning.)
I'll pray for you now.
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guitarnan
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Rachel,
Your dh may also have heard things in his unit about transfers with larger families. It's true the military doesn't make it easy for larger families to go to certain places. One friend of mine was turned down for orders to Japan because he has 6 children. They told him there was no way they'd send him because off-base housing is so small (even though they lived in a very small place at the time!).
So, he may be feeling stress from outside the family, too.
Pray hard! We're praying with you!
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Bridget
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Rachel, I have a little advice but I don't know if it's any good since I haven't experienced this dilemma.
Try to make NFP work the best you can if he still wants to avoid conception when the issue becomes a reality. Until that time work on being as cheerful and loving towards him as possible. Work on raising the children you do have as well as possible in the most joyful, loving way possible. Work on your own personal holiness and prayer life.
Obviously these are worthy goals for us all, regardless. I am just thinking of the things that will help him feel at ease and even proud and desirous of a larger family.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Tami
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Beautiful advice, Bridget. And yes, timely words for all of us, I believe.
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God bless,
Tami
When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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Nina Murphy
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I don't think I'm "back to normal" while I'm nursing AT ALL----which I'm still doing! So...I'm empathetic! 
I have the opposite "problem" ----my husband is ALWAYS open.
-----------------------------------------------
Seriously, I really believe in my heart of hearts that both spouses should be of one mind. I have a friend who is really "ready" for another but her husband doesn't think he can handle it (they are really strapped and have a very large family) and I really believe she is pleasing God by respecting this. Praying for a change of heart on her husband's part, if it is God's Will, really puts it in God's court. They are being obedient to God's Laws and I know He will bless this ultimately.
That is just my opinion (she sheepishly adds).
I pray for your peace.
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God bless,
~~Nina
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and 2 yet-to-be-met
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juststartn
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Well, the problem is (to be very honest here), I have the problem where I have multiple patches. Short of using OPKs constantly, I don't know until a good two-three days afterwards--at the earliest, since I have a slow rising temp--that O has happened(I've had cycles where I had a temp rise for over a week, and then it dove again, and stayed low...for over another week..and then AF visited...lovely). I've had to chart to GET pregnant, but that's actually alot easier than trying to avoid, since I know as long as my temp doesn't rise, I've still got a chance, lol. And yeah, things don't get normal here til a few months after I have completely weaned (I can nurse once a day for two months plus, and still not get anything for two-three months after I finally finish). So I know it's not like I have a short amount of time in which to cope with this, lol.
As far as transfers and such, well, after this deployment is over, he retires. There won't BE any more moves (actually, we've moved once in almost 12 yrs of marriage--we were in Germany when we got married, left there a year later, came to Ft Bragg, and have been here ever since. LOL). Well, we'll move locally, after DH gets out and gets another job. We've got 6 people to shoehorn into this house already (1100 sq ft--not teeny, but not nearly enough space--and no way of recouping if we built on). So we will be moving, at some point. So transfers, etc, are not a problem. Besides, paratroopers don't go many other places, lol. Except foreign lands for a year at a time....
This being the last deployment, I know that that cannot be what is bothering him. I'm far more capable now than I was when we only had the one dd...Plus, I have "helpers" LOL....That doesn't seem to be the problem. And it's not like I'm going to conceive again while he's on the other side of the planet. I mean, yeah, he's "Da Man", but STILL! LOL.
I'm trying to keep upbeat about it...since I've got 18 mos to deal with it, and figure out the best way to handle it (and to pray pray pray--believe me, I am not the only one working on this particular issue, I've got friends around the planet praying on this one). Once DH leaves for his deployment, there'll be masses offered up on his behalf as well--not just for his physical safety, of course. And I've already got a long list of "folks to seek intercession from"...sigh. And I'm going to be ordering some green scapulars to place amongst his clothing/uniforms while he is away...
And hopefully, things will work out well and he'll change his mind.
Thanks for the prayers and the advice, ladies.
Rachel
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JennGM
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juststartn wrote:
| I'm trying to keep upbeat about it...since I've got 18 mos to deal with it, and figure out the best way to handle it (and to pray pray pray--believe me, I am not the only one working on this particular issue, I've got friends around the planet praying on this one). |
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God works in mysterious ways. My dh will make blanket declarations on "we're NOT doing this" or "we're not rushing into something". I've learned to respect his wishes and not argue it. Quiet prayer, and usually over time he approaches me and changes his mind. It's not drastic things like your dilemma. I just find he's reactionary -- when things are overwhelming him, it's a blanket, sometimes unrelated, stand on other issues. It's how he deals with stress, so I learn to recognize it.
Praying for your current pregnancy, and for your other intentions.
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juststartn
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Well, we've got 18 mos to change his mind, OL and I. LOL
She can be pretty persuasive.
Rachel (who actually rather finds comfort in a mental image of OL putting her rosary about my DH's neck, and hitting him in the chest with the crucifix, cracking that hard heart of his...this is not the sole issue the concerns me regarding his religious thinking, but it is not something I can do anything about it...)
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SaraP
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juststartn wrote:
| Well, the problem is (to be very honest here), I have the problem where I have multiple patches. Short of using OPKs constantly, I don't know until a good two-three days afterwards--at the earliest, since I have a slow rising temp--that O has happened |
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This is a very common problem for all kinds of reasons (PCOS, thyroid problems, nursing, stress, etc.) but it is also very manageable with some one-on-one help from a qualified NFP techer - especially one who teaches a method like Billings or Creighton that does not rely so heavily on the temperature rise to identify ovulation. You will probably still have somewhat more abstinence that a woman who has nice, tidy, 'textbook' cycles, but it's nothing like total abstinence.
I teach the Billings method and you are more than welcome to PM me if you would like help finding a local teacher or if you would be interested in long-distance learning via email or faxes and phone calls.
My DH is not Catholic (Yet! ) and has only one sibling himself and at one point he did say that he didn't think he could handle more children. I told him that I would always respect (even if I didn't agree with) his need to say, 'not yet', and we would use NFP to avoid pregnancy when he felt that way. But I also asked him not to say 'never' - even if that's what he was thinking and feeling - and to allow in his mind for the possibility of God changing whatever it was that was making him feel that way. And then I did just what Bridget suggested and worked hard at loving and appreciating him as well as I possibly could and making our home life as peaceful and joyful as I could. I was (and am) FAR from perfect in either of these, but God has blessed my efforts anyway. It took about two years before my DH felt he was ready for another baby and about another year after that before he was open to the idea of leaving the number and spacing of our babies totally up to God (barring some extraordinary situation) . . . but that's where we are now.
I do think, though, it is very, VERY important not to draw lines in the sand with one's DH and write off or be slack with NFP or insist on celibacy when he doesn't feel ready for more children. For less than fully committed Catholics the temptation to resort to permanent, surgical 'solutions' can be very strong and, IMHO, it is unwise and uncharitable to do things that could lead one's spouse into that kind of temptation.
Many prayers for you and your family and please do PM me if you would like NFP assistance down the road a bit.
Edited to correct typos.
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Rachel May
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SaraP wrote:
| But I also asked him not to say 'never' - even if that's what he was thinking and feeling - and to allow in his mind for the possibility of God changing whatever it was that was making him feel that way. |
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This has been really helpful for me. He does not say never and respects my desire that he not do something surgically permanent. For me that is HUGE.
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Rachel
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Marybeth
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Rachel,
Why don't you join us in the 54 day rosary novena which Chari is organizing? She has a yahoo group called the Happy Husband List which you may want to sign up for also.
Both times I prayed the novena...I had word about my children's adoptions...I know this novena works for more children!!
The novena begins 1/24.
Hope you join in...will pray for your dh's peace and safety.
God bless,
Mb
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stellar9
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Hi Rachel,
I'm mostly a lurker here, so I don't know how much work you have put into making NFP work. But in addition to talking to Sara, I want to invite you to the NFP forum at delphi forums:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/nfptalk/start
It is a busy place with lots a great catholic (and non-catholic) women who will be able to completely relate to your situation(PCOS, nursing, etc) and let you know what helped them. There are also teachers of just about every method around available to answer questions.
After 4 dc my dh(who is an agnostic) also said no more. #9 is just turned one. Also, I don't think pregnancy is the time to discuss this, especially for the hormonal pregnant woman. You certainly don't have to decide forever today.
Micki
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JenniferS
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Hi Rachel! Yes, my dh made a similar comment after our second child. In fact he was adamant that he would have a vasectomy(he did not end up having one). He was not yet Catholic. I was heartbroken. I also prayed a lot. Most especially the rosary.
Many prayers for you!
Jen
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When DH says "no more dc"
